To My Secular Friends

[doorknob]

Although I read the secular forums quite often, I haven't participated much in discussions because I had pretty much given up on being able to stay 100% sober. I haven't spiraled out of control like many believe is inevitable, and if anything my usage has slowly decreased over time. But still, I'm a slave to that little bit of relief that has worked less and less over time. Also, my tolerance has gone way down, causing the times that my usage does spike to be extremely painful and long lasting. I think part of that is that I'm getting old. Anyway, reading and sometimes participating here helps keep me grounded and gives me a feeling of 'belonging' which I desperately need. So, I want to give a huge 'thanks' to all those who participate here in SC and let you know that I appreciate you all being here.

Doorknob

[gypsytears]

Don't give up Doorknob. I, for one, have missed your posts .

Stick around. Read, participate... get active again .

[Dee74]

Yeah don't give up, don't give in
and use this place man - it's what it's for...

D

[ananda]

I would love to get to know you better!

[zencat]

Do what works for you, do what helps. I remember when I first joined SC your were active. I missed having you and the other members that used to be here. I'm here for peer support and when I'm left to my own devices...well its not good...lol. Good to see you again, keep posting.

[mattcake79]

I don't post here much, but I really enjoy the contributions in this cozy corner of SR

Doorknob, I hope you can eventually let go of that particular "little piece of relief", and find an alternative. Feeling that you belong isn't just a nice plus, to me it's downright necessary. So I hope we all get to hear from you more often. Good luck

[nolonger]

Rough times, by the sound of it, DK. Hang in there and post whenever you can. Doesn't have to be anything heavy. Just what the weather's like, inside and outside yr head. I always like reading yr posts, so give us more!
peace,
nl

[bugsworth]

Hey doorknob stick around again, I enjoy your post! 100% sobriety is not required, who knows maybe we can help you, I know I have learned a lot from your past posts.

[paulmh]

Hi DK, always good to see you.

[windysan]

DoeKnob,

I'm hoping you can chunk whatever it is you need to chunk. I don't know what you're chipping at and I don't need to know I reckon. I'm glad you are here.

[Thinkingabit]

Good to hear you are okay. Think about what you want and focus on that!

HUGS to you!

T

[historyteach]

DK,
Good to see you still posting; still going for the gold!
Miss ya, man...

Shalom!

[doorknob]

Thank you everyone! It's nice to know that I haven't been forgotten. Yesterday I went without my daily green Tilt. I'm not planning on having one today...

Knob

P.S. When I said 'Secular' I in no way meant to exclude Alera, MG, Teach or anyone else who has been a friend to me. And a big 'hello' to those who's acquaintance I hadn't yet made!

[Alera]

Originally Posted by doorknob

Thank you everyone! It's nice to know that I haven't been forgotten. Yesterday I went without my daily green Tilt. I'm not planning on having one today...

Knob

P.S. When I said 'Secular' I in no way meant to exclude Alera, MG, Teach or anyone else who has been a friend to me. And a big 'hello' to those who's acquaintance I hadn't yet made!

Congrats on passing up on the Tilt yesterday. You can do it again today Doorknob.

[PaperDolls]

You're in the right place Doorknob. I've always loved and appreciated your posts.

Keep doing what you need to do.
Be happy. Like yourself. Love yourself.
You deserve it.

Also, a suggestion. Comeback and read your post here often. It might help something click.


I'm glad you're here and I appreciate your feedback and support you've always given here at SR.

[Alera]

Doorknob, there's a thread right underneath this one about SMART tools. I found a couple that work great when I get those cravings to use. The best for me are the DISARM and STOP worksheets. You can find them under "additional homework" SMART Recovery® - Tool Chest and Homework

[doorknob]

I'm probably being a whiney little baby, but I'm really having a hard time being optimistic about my life right now. My girlfriend and I moved to Davenport, WA about a month ago. It's a little wheat farming town located 35 miles west of Spokane. We were trying to move to Spokane or a neighboring town because we both have family there who we were only getting to see a couple times a year being 3 hours away. Also, we wanted more job opportunities than we had in the Leavenworth area. Susan, who is an incredible singer is trying to get into a band and I really want to go back to being a gymnastics instructor. I like to sing too, and we did find a great place to sing Karaoke, but it is still 25 miles away. Anyway, we ended up here because we couldn't find anything closer that would take 2 dogs and a cat, especially given our time and money constraints. Susan is a caregiver and found a job before we got here. I, on the other hand have been unemployed for a month. There is very little work here in Davenport, and I am somewhat limited in what kind of work I can do because so many things trigger my OCD rituals, and employers are not going to pay someone to be 'stuck' all the time. There are some jobs in Airway Heights, which is 25 miles away, but my car is old and the commute is costly with gas prices what they are. I'm just having a hard time not feeling depressed and hopeless. As far as f2f meetings, there is one AA meeting here, which for me can be a double edged sword. I know, I could be in much worse situations and I keep trying to remind myself of that. But still...

[Thinkingabit]

So.... Focus on what you want and not what you do not have or do not want...

I am clean and sober today.
A job is going to be found for me. (then do keep looking)
I live close to family and friends.
My car is running! (working not like in "oh crap have to catch it")

Say those things over and over. Perspective is everything. If you see the negative that is what you feel. See the good and guess how you will feel???

T

[windysan]

What kinda jobs makes your OCD go wacky?

[doorknob]

Counting money or anything that involves recording information can trigger checking rituals. It's not so bad if it's computerized and once the info is sent, it's sent. But if it's there to be seen, I'm compelled to keep checking. Also, if there is a time constraint, like people waiting in line it is really bad and I have panic attacks. I've done a good share of cooking, but during rushes I get panic attacks, my brain freezes up and I can't think. But, I've been told that everything I send out looks picture perfect. I much prefer prep cooking where I'm not rushed. I can work fast if there is not much thought involved, like general labor, even though I may repeat things and be very perfectionistic at times. I can think fine if I don't 'feel' like I'm under pressure to perform at a certain speed, although I still check and repeat thinks to some extent. So, my assets are that I am very detail oriented and thorough, but being so rigid and methodical comes at the expense of the quanity of work performed. I wish I could find something working from home that is not a scam. I do a little bit of selling on eBay and my seller rating is very good, but finding things to sell is a challenge. I'm going to post this and see how many times I have to edit it. LOL!

[windysan]

Dang, doeknob !! I had a bit of that OCD when I was doping. Checking the locks and the stove and the lightswitches and stuff. I didn't have it too bad though. I quit doping and it went away. I wish you could get a job putting puzzles together...that way when the puzzle is done then it's done. I have a friend who sells books on half.com and ebay. She does pretty good with it and she hits garage sales and thrift stores for books. What about UPS or Fedex? Those loaders make good money and that seems like it wouldn't get you a'countin and whatnot.

[doorknob]

Some stuff I do is a lot like tweekers. I have really bad cleaning rituals (if I decide I'm going to clean) and wash the hell outa my hands. I get stuck in rituals where I have to look at things a certain way for a certain length of time, and I have to pick the best looking package of whatever I'm buying, which reminded me of your annoying stoner post involving picking out eggs. Except I get worse when I put down the dank & drank. I'm just a freak, dude. Not a bad idea about loading trucks, except from where I live it would be about a 40 mile commute. If I don't find a way to start making some scrilla soon, I'm gonna have to start selling stuff I don't want to sell!

[windysan]

Do they make medication for the OCD? It sure sounds like a pain in the ass. Does the weed make it worse or better? Sorry for the questions but it is interesting. I do still have a bit of the OCD lingering around but I've had that since I was a kid. I got these really bad headaches, hallucinations, and floaters (eye floaters and not turds) when I was a kid. For a while they thought I might be retarded or autistic. Anyways, I'd do some counting and I hadda get it right or I'd do it over again. I still like to get the nicest package of whatever I'm buying. LOL. Now when I get the urge to pick out the best package I'll pick out a crappy one on purpose.

[doorknob]

They use SSRI anti-depressants for OCD, but effective dosages are usually very high and for me the reduction in symptoms are very slight. And the side effects of most of the SSRI's (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, etc.) at maximum dosage are pretty unpleasant. As far as the direct effect on symptoms, weed can help me get unstuck from something I've been obsessing on, but also leave me more vulnerable to getting pulled into new rituals, atleast until I get too tired and lazy to do anything. If anything it just makes me more accepting of my situation and the way I am so I'm not motivated to really try to get better. It also helped keep my alcoholic drinking in check. Anyway, I pretty much lost access to the stuff with my move, and hey, it's been over 48 hours since I've had a drink. I'm wanting to try life with a clear head again. I passed up beer that was offered to me last night while my gf was having an audition with a band and am kinda proud of that. But I had way too much caffeine and thought I was gonna lose it for a bit. I could still feel it when I woke up this morning. I need to leave that stuff alone too.