New -- 104 days clean - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

kamikazi · 04-26-2007, 11:06 AM

Damn!!!

I threw my life away. Crack cocaine took me and I went willingly, at least that is the consensus among the people in my life. I've lost everything, wife,3 children, 7 figure income, house, home, self-respect; the most important thing I lost was myself. I'm not the same person anymore. I've changed -- I'm not sure for the better even if I am in recovery.

I'm afraid today. The urges are pretty bad right now and I'm sitting here at the computer literally vibrating inside fighting against myself. I don't know if it is the same for anyone else but for me the real killer is the thought that I can just have a twenty rock and let it go at that and manage. <---- BIG FAT STUPID LIE!!!!

I realize this is my addiction talking. I like to think of my battle as if it were the old cartoon cliche of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other whispering in my ears. What shoulder am I going to listen to??

There is a story I heard that is so appropriate .....

In the old days there was a great warrior who never lost a battle and was known for never surrendering or running away. One day this warrior was travelling from one village to another and laid himself down beside a stream to have a nap.

While napping the warrior had a dream. He dreamt that he woke from his nap to find a fierce warrior staring at him with a demented expression. And before he could say a single word in greeting this warrior lept upon him and began wrestling him to the ground. Throughout the rest of the day the two warriors contended. The battle was bloody and harsh, and each took many wounds.

Eventually the warriors, no longer able to draw breath, each collapsed upon the ground with mortal wounds. As the warrior laid upon the ground dying of the wounds of the battle, the people of his village came upon him. As they drew near the warrior cried out for them to beware of his opponent.

The people of his village were gentle as he was dying and with kind looks and gentle words told him he had contended not with a stranger but with the reflection of himself in the stream beside which he had slept.

Today and every day I am that warrior. I contend not with an external enemy but with one inside myself. An enemy that has all of my strength and knows all of my secret weaknesses. If I am to win this battle I must lose this battle. I must walk from the battlefield of my deranged mind a new person, I must die so that I may live.

We, the warriors of the mind, are heroes and yet not a single person will ever know the fierceness and unrelenting horror of our battles won and lost. If only for a day could I set down this battle I would. But my battle is never to end, no, for me there can be no armistice, no peace. Alone and unsung I must fight against the greatest foe ever surmounted. With no pride and no glory I must give to this battle all that I possess and all that I am.

Today I am hurting.
Tomorrow I will not.

andshewas · 04-26-2007, 11:13 AM

104 days is something to be proud of. And you are not alone. Even if it is "just" an online forum, please know that some people *do* know what this battle is. How difficult it is.

Welcome, and congratulations, and be proud of the hard work you are doing.

doorknob · 04-26-2007, 11:21 AM

Hello Kamikazi.

Welcome to Secular Connections and thanks for the great first post!

DK

indigo · 04-27-2007, 04:50 AM

Welcome to the forums hope you'll find some peace here.

indigo

kamikazi · 04-29-2007, 09:09 AM

shall i stand straight
locked in silent struggle
on the far side of crazy
rusted steel diffidence
choking my heart's poor cry

shall i fall deep
warped in twisted contention
a poorboy unappeased
angel's broken wings
shutter my hungry gaze

shall i in silence weep
alone for all tick and tock
given over unbound
fetters loosed once more
bound no longer safe

shall i run now free
dressed again in nothing
ceaseless questing yet
devil's careless whisper
thundering in my heart

shall i cease asking
truth spoken never heard
on the path untrod
sunlight lost now found
blinded by the light

**shockozulu** · 04-29-2007, 01:06 PM

Quote:

ceaseless questing yet
devil's careless whisper
thundering in my heart

QFT (quoted for truth)

Imani · 05-16-2007, 03:53 PM

I choose not to enter the boxing ring today, I choose not to walk the tight rope, today I would rather take myself far away from destruction and dereliction to the greener pastures, where the sun actually shines....where life is more simple and the days are more peaceful.

04-26-2007, 11:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
kamikazi Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Vancouver,BC Posts: 2	New -- 104 days clean Damn!!! I threw my life away. Crack cocaine took me and I went willingly, at least that is the consensus among the people in my life. I've lost everything, wife,3 children, 7 figure income, house, home, self-respect; the most important thing I lost was myself. I'm not the same person anymore. I've changed -- I'm not sure for the better even if I am in recovery. I'm afraid today. The urges are pretty bad right now and I'm sitting here at the computer literally vibrating inside fighting against myself. I don't know if it is the same for anyone else but for me the real killer is the thought that I can just have a twenty rock and let it go at that and manage. <---- BIG FAT STUPID LIE!!!! I realize this is my addiction talking. I like to think of my battle as if it were the old cartoon cliche of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other whispering in my ears. What shoulder am I going to listen to?? There is a story I heard that is so appropriate ..... In the old days there was a great warrior who never lost a battle and was known for never surrendering or running away. One day this warrior was travelling from one village to another and laid himself down beside a stream to have a nap. While napping the warrior had a dream. He dreamt that he woke from his nap to find a fierce warrior staring at him with a demented expression. And before he could say a single word in greeting this warrior lept upon him and began wrestling him to the ground. Throughout the rest of the day the two warriors contended. The battle was bloody and harsh, and each took many wounds. Eventually the warriors, no longer able to draw breath, each collapsed upon the ground with mortal wounds. As the warrior laid upon the ground dying of the wounds of the battle, the people of his village came upon him. As they drew near the warrior cried out for them to beware of his opponent. The people of his village were gentle as he was dying and with kind looks and gentle words told him he had contended not with a stranger but with the reflection of himself in the stream beside which he had slept. Today and every day I am that warrior. I contend not with an external enemy but with one inside myself. An enemy that has all of my strength and knows all of my secret weaknesses. If I am to win this battle I must lose this battle. I must walk from the battlefield of my deranged mind a new person, I must die so that I may live. We, the warriors of the mind, are heroes and yet not a single person will ever know the fierceness and unrelenting horror of our battles won and lost. If only for a day could I set down this battle I would. But my battle is never to end, no, for me there can be no armistice, no peace. Alone and unsung I must fight against the greatest foe ever surmounted. With no pride and no glory I must give to this battle all that I possess and all that I am. Today I am hurting. Tomorrow I will not.

04-26-2007, 11:21 AM	#3 (permalink)
doorknob Knucklehead Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Davenport, WA Posts: 4,003	Hello Kamikazi. Welcome to Secular Connections and thanks for the great first post! DK __________________ Get in where you fit in. - Too $hort

04-27-2007, 04:50 AM	#4 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	Welcome to the forums hope you'll find some peace here. indigo __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

04-29-2007, 09:09 AM	#5 (permalink)
kamikazi Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Vancouver,BC Posts: 2	my thoughts this morning shall i stand straight locked in silent struggle on the far side of crazy rusted steel diffidence choking my heart's poor cry shall i fall deep warped in twisted contention a poorboy unappeased angel's broken wings shutter my hungry gaze shall i in silence weep alone for all tick and tock given over unbound fetters loosed once more bound no longer safe shall i run now free dressed again in nothing ceaseless questing yet devil's careless whisper thundering in my heart shall i cease asking truth spoken never heard on the path untrod sunlight lost now found blinded by the light

05-16-2007, 03:53 PM	#7 (permalink)
Imani Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Miami, Florida Posts: 1	Imani I choose not to enter the boxing ring today, I choose not to walk the tight rope, today I would rather take myself far away from destruction and dereliction to the greener pastures, where the sun actually shines....where life is more simple and the days are more peaceful.

04-26-2007, 11:13 AM	#2 (permalink)
andshewas Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Portland, OR Posts: 56	104 days is something to be proud of. And you are not alone. Even if it is "just" an online forum, please know that some people do know what this battle is. How difficult it is. Welcome, and congratulations, and be proud of the hard work you are doing.

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