It's all about me Part 4

Old 03-31-2015, 12:38 PM
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I sent you a pm Charley so I wont repeat it here.

The lying hurts. Logically we can read here on both the family side and the recovery side and everyone admits to lying, so we know its part of the addiction and not personal. Sometimes lying is even meant to protect us, basically it all gets twisted up.

Cleans post was soo good. Its gonna be actions, changes in attitude and his behavior. I think those are what we have to look for when blind trust is gone. When he has time to figure out where he made errors or wasnt prepared, then he should be willing to sit and talk about it. I think if he knows your calm then he can do this. But it could be a while before he is able to himself.

I think you are communicating with him really well!

What can you do to help take some of the intensity off your emotions? We gotta make sure Charley is ok!


Butter,

What do you do with these eggs? Do you do more than dip them, swirl them, try to mix colors, tie dye? Your post has me thinking I need to color some eggs!
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Old 03-31-2015, 01:42 PM
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Not communicating so well. Just got screamed at over the phone. Swore all over me.
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Old 03-31-2015, 01:56 PM
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He's not .

Maybe break for a while. Your both very emotional today and hes probably physically hung over.

The "limit" comes into play now? Not gonna be screamed at.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:03 PM
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You're right, Blue. I just used our key word for the second time today. Told him I was serious this time and to please keep to that key word and what it means.

I'm trying very hard to be unemotional about this, because inside my emotions are going crazy. And if I show those emotions he'll lose it. he's so upset and hates himself so much right now that it's easier for him to say I hate him. I've told him four times now I love him and this doesn't define him. He says I'm accusing him. Not sure where the accusation is.

I can't deal with this today. And I'm really worried about him, that he will do something worse than drink.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:24 PM
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And we have 197 views right now I and I feel like I'm under a microscope, so I'm going to stop posting about this now because I forgot how open this forum really is and how many people are out there. I'm doing all I can to keep myself calm and take care of me and that's all that I can do right now, right?
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:47 PM
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Sorry. Some of those views are me. I am following what's going on because I care but I really don't have advice or words.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:57 PM
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No worries, Happybeingme. I just feel kind of raw about things right now.
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:10 PM
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From what you have shared there is no accusations from you. He is probably embarrassed and ashamed and can't cope with those feelings. But, too bad. He did it. He went to the store and bought the alcohol. Now he has to decide if he is going to dump the booze and recommit or if he is going to just give up.

You have shown an extraordinary dedication to helping him. Don't ever doubt that. You can't do more unfortunately. The ball is in his court. So, what he does is out of your control. But you are brave and strong. You can take care of you and the kids.
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:19 PM
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Thank you, Happy. I have really tried this time, I kept all emotions out, I have told him four times now that I love him and this doesn't define him, that I will need some time to trust him and that I want to work on moving forward. I told him "every event is an opportunity" and said that I don't want any of the work we've done to be eroded. I get that he really hates himself at this moment, but I'm tired of being yelled at and saying I'm accusing him. Accusing him of what? Drinking? That's a fact, not an accusation. And I was very careful this time to only use positive words, with the exception of saying that I will need time to trust him again, and that this has thrown me for a loop. Those are the most negative words I've used. And I was careful to not say that I will never trust him again, only to say the truth, which is, I will need time for that trust to be rebuilt.

I know the ball is in his court. He tells me he "just wants to have fun with me" which translates to me to mean, he only wants to have fun and doesn't want to have to explain or deal with negative things. I don't know how to deal with that. I feel like I'm married to a toddler having a temper tantrum.
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Old 03-31-2015, 04:04 PM
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I think your both very emotional Charley. I believe hes been putting in effort and this has made his negative self talk start churning. Your words may not even be making it all the way through, or they are perceived different than your intent. And he may be trying to say one thing to you, but it comes across with a different meaning also. I say this because 'i just want to have fun with you'. He may mean many things such as, Im sorry you have to be hurt by this, I dont want our relationship to be about this, I want you and I to be separate from this. Do you know what I mean? When both people are emotional and hurting its difficult to go very deep.

You have to set limits on what makes you comfortable posting too. This place is here to help so you have to do a cost/benefit ratio and use it accordingly.

((Charley))
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Old 03-31-2015, 06:08 PM
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Good evening everyone!

Charley: I've been saying all along it doesn't look like H is trying to work a sober program. He has fought you all the way thru! It's like he hears you, but has this little man sitting on his shoulder saying he can still drink. He hasn't come to the conclusion he can never drink again! Y'all had a night out together and he drank to have FUN! I GET that! I took pills to have a better time in everything I did before I said: "Enough is enough over eight months ago!" Not long ago I was in a good mood and the thought of taking a pain pill to feel really good hit me! WTH? It sent chills down my body! But I remembered those times! How many times I took a pain pill to feel better than the high I was already in.

My grandpa on my dad's side had to take medication in order not to drink! He tried and got real sick the first time around. He didn't drink anymore as long as he took the medication. Some ppl just don't have the willpower on their own to stop! It's like giving a child a security blanket to turn to for comfort! Give them the med's and they know they can't drink! Take it away and all sense of security goes away! Thoughts run rampid!

H is afraid of life w/o his booze! He really needs some type of program to get grounded. Even if it's going away into a Rehab for awhile? I know you love him and want him better! However? You aren't schooled in the area of how to get him thru this! I went thru several programs myself and knew what I needed to keep myself off the opiates. I haven't really seen H dig in with both feet to learn the tools to get better. Sorry! I've seen YOU doing all the studying and learning though!

Just like with Jethro! I can only preach the preach to him about myself knowing what's happening to him and what lays ahead of him/US if he continues taking the pain pills. He's showing signs this evening of having taken a pain pill! The shortness of breath, the quick snappy answers, the attitude, etc. ARGH! Just makes my stomach clinch in a knot! Or is it fear of the Oh Shiitt I don't want to put up with this again? Two good days and now we're back to this again! You'd think not being able to breathe would be a good sign of I don't want to take these anymore? The meds screwed with my breathing too. Not anymore for myself! The last two days he was doing really good and now he's huffing and puffing, leaning on things trying to catch his breath! I'd already figured he was going to be taking them again after all the hard work he's done outside for the past two days. It was a gimme!

Don't get me wrong! I loved my opiates and the time I used them! Opiates were killing too many things in my life though! Including my life! Do I miss them? At times yes I do! But I know the consequences of taking them again. I don't want or need to be there again. I sit out here in the porch room watching TV and laugh my butt off at stuff. Feels so good to laugh! I walk inside to tell Jethro about something and he's usually sitting in a stupor. I keep walking!

I won't stop trying to get him to stop the pain meds! I just do it slowly now in order not to cause daily huge fights!

TOD
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:55 AM
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Hello Everyone.

Butter: Im happy to see you back and taking 1st post.. LOL Ive missed you, how was your trip?

Charley, I hope your night was calmer.. Im praying for both of you. I agree with everyone here.. you may be breaking up on the inside but I think you look composed as possible on the outside and when talking to him. Don't feel like his reactions are because of you.. I know its hard to leave out the emotion in times like this.

Your son sounds so cute talking about his yellow egg. They are so adorable at this age. I hope you can color some more this week. I forgot how much fun all these things can be.. messy but worth it.

Hi Cleanin, Blue..

TOD.. I was thinking Jethro was outside doing a lot of work these past couple days. Now hes paying for it, and looks like you are too. He reminds me of the people who don't exercise very often then do a huge workout and cant move for two days. Then they stop again completely until the next round of motivation comes along. Then its back to doing to much and giving up again after that.. LOL
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Old 04-01-2015, 01:23 AM
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There ain't nothing like walking in the house and seeing Jethro coming out of his bedroom with his hand cupped holding a pain pill heading to his mug of tea to take it. ARGH

He was on the phone with his coworker too! She had told him she had put her two weeks notice in and was moving out of state with her husband. Her husband got a new job. Come to find out though? All the college courses she had taken ended up being one credit short. She now has to stay here and take the last course because this school doesn't transfer credits. What a bummer!

Jethro was telling me stuff about their conversation and then he hit my sore spot with something he had told his coworker! He flat out lied to her, telling her he had been laid off! I lit into him! I said: "I'm so tired of you fabricating things and/or telling an outright lie about things!" He said: "I love you too DEAR!" I turned on him and said: "It has nothing to do with LOVE!" I was on a roll at this point!

I said: "I know you don't want to hear this and you're going to get pizzed? You didn't like me on the pain pills and I sure don't like you on them. Did you ever stop to think your boss doesn't like you on them either and that's why he hasn't asked you to come back?" He said: "You better stop while you're ahead!" I said: "Get off the damned pain meds! And did you know you've been taking them since May 2009?" An hour later when I went back inside he was already in bed and snoring! Hmmmm One more time I hit a nerve with him.

A person lying to me is like someone cheating behind my back! I hate liars! I've dealt with this thru the Internet too! I get many emails in my junk file wanting to meet up and be friends! HA! I know how those can end up! People not to be trusted! My stupid XBIL got caught up in a web of deceit from the Internet too! He was sending thousands of dollars to this gal to help her out. She even told him she'd meet him at the airport. He spent all night at the airport waiting for her to show. She never did! And of course he sent her money for the plane ticket! His sister had to step in and take over his money so he wouldn't send any more overseas. He lost everything! His house, his motorcycles, his truck, etc. I hope he's learned his lesson?

TOD
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Old 04-01-2015, 11:27 AM
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Hi everyone!
How's it going? Well not too good for me. I have a vent here.

Two weeks ago I put my script into the pharmacy to get filled and hit a brick wall of needing a prior authorization. So the pharmacist says she'll call my doctor see if it can be done ASAP. Well it wasn't. I ended up having to pay out of pocket which was almost $300! Money we don't have to toss out the window. Ok...that was the 20th and the weekend and the doctors office was closed. So I tried again to get the ball rolling on this authorization by calling Monday morning. Hit another brick wall because my doctor's office receptionist told me to leave my name and number and the lady in charge will call me back. Never did. So I called again and the lady said not to worry they faxed the info to the insurance company but it will take up to 72 hours for the whole process to be completed. Ok? So this brings me to today. I called the insurance company to verify that the prior authorization is complete and I will not hit another brick wall when attempting to pick my prescription up at the pharmacy? The representative says there is nothing in the system telling me that it was even initiated! Oh boy! So here I am back at square one! Then the lady politely informs me that she could begin this process for me. Really? So then why I wasn't hold that last time I called? I was told it all has to be done thru the doctors office! Grrrr!!!!!! So now I another brick wall. The representative said he can not be put on hold for over ten min. The way my doctors office is doing and will call them back in a awhile. See it's all getting blocked by the lady in charge of authorizations at my doctors office. She for some unknown reason cannot call people back or be available when they call! So I'm going to call again and demand to speak to her! Let's see if that happens! But I'm going to try!

Hope everyone is having a better day!
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Old 04-01-2015, 11:31 AM
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aw darn, Tod, I was hoping that Jethro was going to try to get off those pills!! The shortness of breath has to be scary!

Allfor, we're hoping to dye eggs on Friday maybe? It's going to be interesting, lol, DS is at that age where if it's fun, he doesn't understand why it has to end, lol.

Thank you everyone for all your help yesterday. I really appreciated being able to have people to talk to, and some great advice.

Last night was a very quiet night at our house. H was trying very hard, and I was too, but we couldn't speak to each other. And that was ok. when we went to bed, H said he was very sorry about how the whole day went, and that he wished he could erase it. I agreed, and we went to sleep. Very short and calm.

This morning, H said that he understood what I was saying yesterday, he just hates himself right now for what he did. He said he wants to continue to work together as we have been, as a team, and that he has no choice but to go forward and work on doing better. I agreed, and that's the most that can happen at the moment, right? There isn't going to be that trust anymore, that will have to be rebuilt, but there is no use in dwelling on it. As for the feelings he is feeling about himself, he will need to find a way to work on that.

Yesterday we hit a record high for temperature and it was lovely! Almost 70F! But today? ugh. They're calling for snow. Mother Nature is crazy.
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Old 04-01-2015, 11:34 AM
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Holy Clean, that sounds so frustrating! What a run around!! Why does your doctor's office need to authorize? That sounds incredibly frustrating, almost like they're hoping you get too upset and give up.

I would keep calling and not give up until you get answers! That is nuts! and $300 is a lot of money!!
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:00 PM
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Hi Ladies !

I just posted the new podcast from smart. Its about 48 minutes long but some of it is just sharing everyone's credentials. They talk some of the basics and I think its all things we have talked about here. They stressed how important it is we care for ourselves, mentioned the oxygen mask, stressed individuality, kindness, looking for the strengths, reinforcements. And also patience because Craft is about changing the dynamics of the whole family, our interactions and communication. Change takes time. Not as many questions answered as the podcast last year, but that one is still out there too.

Sorry, just finished listening so wanted to share my thoughts.

Clean, its so unfair about the script not being authorized properly by the Doctors office. Well you already know Im not his biggest fan, and now his admin too! I hope they get it straightened out. Wouldnt you think all this would happen online now and she would just need to push some buttons?

Charley, the podcast was also saying sometimes if you feel the need to take a break then you just do. And even a few hours is fine. You managed your part incredibly well yesterday. I hope you feel the same! My socks are knocked off! I hope you feel a little bit better today having time to reflect.

Tod, is that all true? Your xbil? I feel so bad for him. Hes gotta have a few issues going on, I mean? I can see being taken in once, but all that? To picture him waiting at the airport ?

Mr Blue came home last night. So happy to see him because it had been about 9 days. He went into work but we are both "supposed" to do a half day. Have lunch and an afternoon out. So far no call saying how impossible it is to leave work, so Im hopeful.
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:27 PM
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Thank you charley! I think you're right about that! Ha! This is probably their way of getting out of paying every time!

See when my husband changed jobs so did our health insurance. My old company never asked for prior authorizations. Just paid for it....minus my copayment which I have a coupon that covers the cost...so it was free.

But now they are saying they need to authorize it because it's on their list of meds needing authorization. Probably because of the cost?

Anyway, I finely got to speak to the lady in charge at the doctors office. She said she'll call my insurance company and get this going. Said she'll call me back when it's all over. I sure hope so. Now I've got both promising to call me back. I'll be so glad when this is over!

Ok...good news! Just as I typed the above sentence Lisa in charge of authorizations called me back. My med has been approved for 6 months!
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:42 PM
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Hey Blue you slipped in here. Hope you get to enjoy an afternoon with Mr. Blue!!! Thank you so much for that podcast! Can't wait to watch it!

Charley thanks Again. Blue is right, you did good yesterday!

TOD sorry you had to see Jethro with pill in hand! I give you so much credit remaining clean with pills right there in the house! Very very unnerving! I wouldn't be able to do that! I don't think so.
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:48 PM
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Clean, I forgot to ask if your son is ok? Was it an infection?

Good job "authorization" lady. Thank You for helping!
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