Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change: CRAFT for Families
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I am struggling with this chapter. The rock bottom/apple on the head approach has been so ingrained in me. And while I know it takes time for me to change, somehow I expect my H to change immediately. I get upset and frustrated with him, which causes him to revert back to his old habits and patterns of behaviour. Not taking away his responsibility in the whole dance of addiction, of course, but I wish I could be more patient and accepting of this, and I wish I could celebrate more the positives he does do instead of focusing on the missteps. I guess it's because the missteps are the ones that are loud in our house - alcohol causes anger in him ,and he is loud and verbally and emotionally abusive then, and that's what gets the most attention.
I have found, when he is trying to make a positive change, he will do it quietly without telling anyone. I am the opposite, I like to be verbal with my changes and I like positive reinforcement. Maybe I need to be more observant of when H is trying to make changes? I need to be careful with mentioning anything tho, esp drinking, as he is so sensitive about it, even when he is trying to stop. If I knew he was having a tough day with withdrawal or cravings, I could help more or be more supportive or give him more room ... this is a tough thing to go through!
I have found, when he is trying to make a positive change, he will do it quietly without telling anyone. I am the opposite, I like to be verbal with my changes and I like positive reinforcement. Maybe I need to be more observant of when H is trying to make changes? I need to be careful with mentioning anything tho, esp drinking, as he is so sensitive about it, even when he is trying to stop. If I knew he was having a tough day with withdrawal or cravings, I could help more or be more supportive or give him more room ... this is a tough thing to go through!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I have been listening to the book in my car as I drive for work. I went back to the beginning and Im almost caught up now. I wanted to thank u for posting on the book Allfor, and also to everyone who is contributing. 2013 was a year of mixed blessings for me. It was the worst time ever in my life because of what happened to my husband, how sick he was, things I learned he did while using. And then its also got these moments after that, where I have all these good memories of us talking, really listening to one another, and learning more about who we are as individuals, and all the fears and confusion that lives inside us. All of the things in the book, why I decided to use this approach is because it supports what we spent time doing in our counseling and family sessions. I keep thinking how scared I was last year at this time, and I feel so much more at peace now. One of the reasons is because he and I have worked together, and at the same time we have each become stronger on our own too. All of this has helped me, the books, Smart recovery, the Craft class I took.
Thanksgiving is over, but this time of year is still making me think of what I give thanks to, and I give it to my friends here for all their time, care, concern, and rhe effort they put in to share here.
Thanksgiving is over, but this time of year is still making me think of what I give thanks to, and I give it to my friends here for all their time, care, concern, and rhe effort they put in to share here.
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Part II – How to Cope
Chapter 4 – Start Where You Are
This chapter starts with an analogy Ive heard for a long time… make sure to put on your oxygen mask before trying to help others… something used at Smart Recovery….We have to make sure we are ok before we do anything else.
The book introduces a set of skills called ACT – Awareness, Coping and Tolerating.
These principles are used for people working to overcome substance abuse issues, and family members.
Fact shared by the book: In a given year, there are 22.2 million Americans, or nearly 1:12 that have substance problems serious enough to be classified as dependence or abuse. Over 30% of adults abuse alcohol at some point in their lives.
I think this is helpful to me because it brings awareness… many people are going through the same types of issues my family went through. Many people I encounter on a daily basis have someone in their life who has a substance issue…. In my opinion, substance issue’s are something people tend to keep private, and one of the main reasons is fear of the stigma associated with addiction, fear of other peoples judgment.. on themselves, their loved ones, even their own children.
How are You?
According to the book: “clinical studies show that caring for a person with a substance problem increases rates of depression, anxiety, physical illness, and low self esteem in the people doing the caring.”
Awareness:
Several concepts and examples are given in this chapter… I wont go through all of them, but I feel like these are some of the key points:
Its human nature to get caught up in what has happened, how you wished it had been different, how you still wish it will be different, instead of being present in this moment and seeing what is. But in readiness, or “presentness” there is a sense of calm, relief, and confidence. Its being in a state where natural and learned abilities are most available to be utilized.
Modern science is now reaffirming that mindful awareness (mindfulness)…. is a practical skill applied to business decisions, spiritual awakening, solving interpersonal problems, making changes in our lives.
Awareness is necessary to instigate purposeful change, we must recognize the facts of our situation in order to change them. We acknowledge what is real, take its measure, and act from there..
On autopilot there is no learning, only repeating.
To learn what hasn’t worked we need insight into what hasn’t worked in the past.
In the book, Get Your Loved One Sober… I think part of this is addressed in the chapters on mapping of behaviors.. both our own & our loved ones.. By looking at what hasn’t worked, studying interactions between people, looking at our own emotions, reactive behaviors, impulses.. we can begin to become more aware… and we can begin to change ourselves, our actions and reactions…
We need awareness to learn about alternatives, to set our own goals, come up with strategies to help us reach these goals.
Keeping your perspective - taking a deep breath, taking a step back, taking in the forest view as well as seeing the trees –requires a broad, nuanced view of the scope and complexity of your situation.
The world isn’t static.
Awareness in the moment, in real time, allows you to adapt to what is happening as it is happening and incorporate new information as it comes.
Awareness –
Allows for something different to happen
Learning depends on it
It guides strategic action
It counters natural mistakes
Perspective requires it
It promotes flexibility
Note: I liked the discussion of mindfulness and focusing in the raisin.
On the topic of Mindfulness, the authors of the book also suggest the following are good sources of reference: Kabat-Zinn, Dan Siegel, Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron, Sharon Saltzberg, Thich Nhat Hanh
Acceptance
Acceptance is an action
Acceptance is a little bit of peace in the eye of the storm
.. several examples of acceptance in the book but I wont break those down.
The Power of Powerlessness
"...accepting or admitting powerlessness” over compulsions to use substances… this is meant to be empowering and for many people it is. Others find the concepts of “self empowerment” and “willpower” the real driving forces of change. The reality is both are true: a person can be both powerful and powerless at the same time. Similarly, a person can accept what is and want things to change at the same time”
Later in the book we will be introduced to strategies to help our loved ones. But its critical to remember even though these strategies are proven to be effective, we cant control the outcome in any given interaction. We may also be working to change our own behaviors, but no matter how much we intend to change, there will likely be instances when we don’t get it quite right… in all of this there are many variables we cannot control… things we don’t see coming…
Acceptance is the way to live through something instead of being stuck in a constant fight against it
Exercises follow in the chapter to help determine Where we are.. what is our baseline.. what is our happiness scale.. methods to track our personal progress as we attempt change, ideas on journaling, and perspective .
Chapter 4 – Start Where You Are
This chapter starts with an analogy Ive heard for a long time… make sure to put on your oxygen mask before trying to help others… something used at Smart Recovery….We have to make sure we are ok before we do anything else.
The book introduces a set of skills called ACT – Awareness, Coping and Tolerating.
It takes awareness (of problems, goals, their ambivalence about changing) to start down a path of change. It takes learning to cope differently to make actual changes and it takes the skill of tolerance to handle distress in the process and bide the time, whatever it takes.
Fact shared by the book: In a given year, there are 22.2 million Americans, or nearly 1:12 that have substance problems serious enough to be classified as dependence or abuse. Over 30% of adults abuse alcohol at some point in their lives.
I think this is helpful to me because it brings awareness… many people are going through the same types of issues my family went through. Many people I encounter on a daily basis have someone in their life who has a substance issue…. In my opinion, substance issue’s are something people tend to keep private, and one of the main reasons is fear of the stigma associated with addiction, fear of other peoples judgment.. on themselves, their loved ones, even their own children.
How are You?
According to the book: “clinical studies show that caring for a person with a substance problem increases rates of depression, anxiety, physical illness, and low self esteem in the people doing the caring.”
When people are dealing with substance problems, …… they may tend to go on autopilot to avoid distress….
you feel that – “this is just the way things are”
Awareness:
Several concepts and examples are given in this chapter… I wont go through all of them, but I feel like these are some of the key points:
Its human nature to get caught up in what has happened, how you wished it had been different, how you still wish it will be different, instead of being present in this moment and seeing what is. But in readiness, or “presentness” there is a sense of calm, relief, and confidence. Its being in a state where natural and learned abilities are most available to be utilized.
Modern science is now reaffirming that mindful awareness (mindfulness)…. is a practical skill applied to business decisions, spiritual awakening, solving interpersonal problems, making changes in our lives.
Awareness is necessary to instigate purposeful change, we must recognize the facts of our situation in order to change them. We acknowledge what is real, take its measure, and act from there..
You may feel more comfortable not knowing what you would rather not know. But – navigating intentional, lasting change takes awareness. It takes awareness to be proactive instead of reactive, to try something different instead of going back to the same dysfunctional routine…
To learn what hasn’t worked we need insight into what hasn’t worked in the past.
In the book, Get Your Loved One Sober… I think part of this is addressed in the chapters on mapping of behaviors.. both our own & our loved ones.. By looking at what hasn’t worked, studying interactions between people, looking at our own emotions, reactive behaviors, impulses.. we can begin to become more aware… and we can begin to change ourselves, our actions and reactions…
We need awareness to learn about alternatives, to set our own goals, come up with strategies to help us reach these goals.
Making changes often requires us to act counter to what comes automatically
The world isn’t static.
Awareness in the moment, in real time, allows you to adapt to what is happening as it is happening and incorporate new information as it comes.
Awareness –
Allows for something different to happen
Learning depends on it
It guides strategic action
It counters natural mistakes
Perspective requires it
It promotes flexibility
Note: I liked the discussion of mindfulness and focusing in the raisin.
On the topic of Mindfulness, the authors of the book also suggest the following are good sources of reference: Kabat-Zinn, Dan Siegel, Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron, Sharon Saltzberg, Thich Nhat Hanh
Acceptance
Awareness is paying attention to what is actually happening. Acceptance is being willing to stay with it while you sort out what you can change and what you cant. Acceptance leads the way to making changes out of the raw material of how things are. Acceptance puts you in a stronger position to change the things you can. It is also how you come to terms with the things you cannot change.
Acceptance does not mean approving, giving up, or detaching, it means recognizing things for what they are, no better but no worse either. We may not like the truth, but its true anyway
.. several examples of acceptance in the book but I wont break those down.
The Power of Powerlessness
"...accepting or admitting powerlessness” over compulsions to use substances… this is meant to be empowering and for many people it is. Others find the concepts of “self empowerment” and “willpower” the real driving forces of change. The reality is both are true: a person can be both powerful and powerless at the same time. Similarly, a person can accept what is and want things to change at the same time”
Everything we know about motivation and change suggests that power and powerlessness come with the territory of caring about someone with a substance problem. You have the power to help someone change, and the power to make changes yourself that will improve your situation, yet you are powerless to make another person change or do the changing for him.
Accepting that only so much of the situation is in your control will help make the frustration and fear that come with awareness manageable.
If accepting you are powerless feels empowering to you, go for it. Just take care not to wield this as an ironclad truth over anyone else. It is not the only truth.... If someone feels powerful, if someone takes more inspiration and reassurance from the idea of willpower than from powerlessness, it doesn’t mean shes deluded. Remember the change process is different for different people, at different times. There are many legitimate, promising first steps in change as there are people trying to change. We suggest awareness and acceptance, but we don’t force them on anyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Thanks Allfor. Was thinking about awareness and acceptance. Awareness hurt. It hurt to know I had been unaware of how things in my life had been changing for months, and I felt something but let it slide. It hurt to become aware of all the things my husband did, and how sick he was because of the drugs. Acceptance did give me peace! And once it settled then I was able to say ok, what can I do now. This makes me feel powerful. Ive had help figuring out both, with my family's support and counseling. Im not perfect yet, but I know I can live without fear.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 
I am really enjoying this thread. What is the name and author of the CRAFT book to check out? Can I get it at the library or order it online?
The book info is here:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change - A Guide for Families*
by Jeffrey Foote PhD, Nicole Kosanke PhD, Carrie Wilkins PhD
I know several people have found it at their library, and if your local one doesnt have it they can often have it sent to them from another branch. Its also available online, and audio versions.
There's another book too, its called: Get Your Loved one sober alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening by Bob Meyers phd. Its more textbook style, Id probably start with Beyond Addiction if u can find it.
This website is helpful too: Home - The 20 Minute Guide
Please join us to chat, pose questions, or share from your experiences. Ive been reading some of your threads, congrats to both of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Chapter 5
Self Care I : Damage Control
This chapter is about self-care
Feeling calmer and more grounded you will:
Help better
Feel better
Be less likely to unintentionally make things worse
The book brings up common themes family members often share....
The "ability to enjoy life hardly matters in the face of your loved ones destructive behavior, or that you can’t possibly enjoy life until your loved one changes" "your only as happy as your unhappiest child"
"If you could just make him see how much he's hurting you and ruining your life, he would surely want to stop"
This last point, I think we know is ineffective because nagging, pleading, threatening are not generally effective. Our loved ones are already often aware of how they behavior is hurting, or worrying us... but this often just acts as a trigger for them to stifle emotions, pain, and create the desire to avoid a relationship with us, or numb their feelings with substances.
Taking care of ourselves and feeling better is one of the first things we can do to reverse this negative cycle.
Self Care asks us to focus on things that bring us happiness, and personal enjoyment.
Physical and Emotional health
Hobbies
Work
Relationships
Other Interests
And enjoying time together with our loved one, when he’s not using substances
By doing these things & focusing on our own self-care… the book states we are "modeling" positive, healthy behaviors and setting an example for our loved one.
This statement supported by research that has been done on adults and the influence of modeling behaviors... even happiness is contagious.
RESILIENCE
"Our ability to maintain equanimity, health, strength, and happiness or to bounce back, even (or especially) after a setback or a disappointment."
It helps people bend and not break
The basic self-care strategies include:
1. Eating well
2. Sleeping well
3. Exercise
4. Avoiding mood altering drugs
5. Treating Illness
In the book, it states while these things are obvious often family members neglect even basic self-care. Excuses for not going to the gym, visiting the doctor, or why its ok to indulge in junk food, etc.
1. The connection between physical and mental well-being cannot be overstated
2. Recognizing stressors as soon as possible can help motivate us to focus on our own basic care needs
3. These are all things we can control to some extent
A reminder... early chapters focused on the processes of motivation and change. We can use this knowledge to begin working on ourselves...meeting our basic needs is the first step for us.
DISTRESS TOLERANCE
Learning to tolerate what we can’t change this second, we can avoid adding suffering to what is already painful.
The more we fight a painful reality, the more we suffer.
I think this is an important point for me... not good to sit and spin the wheels, obsess over what could be... when at this moment certain things cannot be changed... awareness and acceptance also come into play IMO
The book says symptoms often of intolerance can manifests in symptoms such as insomnia, uncontrollable crying, anger issues.... Agree
Tolerance, like awareness and acceptance is a learned skill
A set of tools is presented & based on DBT - Dialectal Behavioral Therapy...
I Wont discuss these in detail as they do in the book, but here’s a high level breakdown....
DISTRACT YOURSELF
1. Switch the focus of your thoughts
2. Switch the focus of your emotions
3. Switch the focus of your senses
4. Do something generous
RELAX
This I found interesting: panic is a mind-body feedback loop
SOOTHE YOURSELF
TAKE A BREAK
The difference between running away from a problem and taking a healthy break lies in awareness. With awareness you can plan a break with the intention of facing your problem from a rested, revitalized perspective. With awareness you can recognize when you need a break and when its ok to take one.
MAKE IT BETTER
Make the moment better by creating a positive experience out of a negative one in any number of ways:
1. Half smile
2. Meditate or pray
3. Move
4. Find meaning
5. Borrow some perspective
PERSPECTIVE
What is perspective?
Understanding a situation
Understanding our reactions
Stepping back and taking time to look at options
Seeing patterns
Seeing a path forward
Just a note.... in the case study given... options include being proactive as family members... seeing our own & our loved ones situation with perspective..
YOU HAVE TRIGGERS TOO
"When your own anxiety is triggered beyond your awareness, it’s a surefire way to lose perspective and the ability to cope and plan"
This case study was interesting and even mentions common things that can trigger us.. subtle sounds, smells... memory triggers..
Anxiety I think is common even into early recovery with our loved ones... we can drive ourselves crazy assuming the worst, actively looking for signs..... I think this is a key point.. in order to stay “attached” to our loved one & healthy in our own rite.. we need to learn coping skills.. awareness, acceptance ,tolerance, perspective… these skills can be learned, refined….
THERAPY AND OTHER THERAPUTIC OPTIONS
It is not weak or selfish to ask for help
Loving someone with a substance abuse problem can be traumatic - literally. The author states family members often meet diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder... I agree with this also.. my therapist likened what I had been through with my husband as a trauma....
In terms of support groups for family members, the authors discuss options available.... keeping in mind each person must find what works for them as individuals.... keeping in mind philosophical, spiritual, and evidence based beliefs regarding addiction and the best means by which family can successfully move through the process.
Again I think this takes perspective to step back and look at options.. closely matching what each person needs as an individual.
The book mentions SMART recovery, an evidence based Non-12 step program for families.... this program incorporates the CRAFT approach into their family program which includes other behavioral tools. It also offers a growing number of local meetings for family members, as well as online meetings and peer support.
Partnership Drug Free has a program in place to help put parents in touch with experienced parent-coaches for peer support
Individual therapist, and substance abuse treatment centers that offer family programs are another other option for families
Also The book mentions 12 step programs, and in essence CRAFT can also be combined with any of these, by using the dictate "take what you want and leave the rest" -- also would like to comment I personally know individuals who combine aspects of both programs successfully to meet their needs..
In addition.... the book states Exercises on the self care topics follow in the book....
"And, to be clear: self-caring is not about trying to be perfect (perfectly calm, perfectly happy, perfectly well rested, and so on). It’s about bringing intentionality to what you do at every level - self kindness and self-understanding as much as healthy eating and exercise, patience as much as effort, acceptance as much as change. In short, it’s about doing your best. Allowing that your best may look different from one day to the next. “
Self Care I : Damage Control
How can you accept your loved one until she stops doing what she's doing? One way is to have your well-being not wholly depend on her and by devoting energy to something outside of your concerns for her. When you take care of yourself, you build strength to both tolerate what you can’t change, and change what you can. At the same time, as a calmer, happier person, you will be contributing to an atmosphere that is conductive to healthy behaviors you wish for your loved one.
Feeling calmer and more grounded you will:
Help better
Feel better
Be less likely to unintentionally make things worse
The book brings up common themes family members often share....
The "ability to enjoy life hardly matters in the face of your loved ones destructive behavior, or that you can’t possibly enjoy life until your loved one changes" "your only as happy as your unhappiest child"
"If you could just make him see how much he's hurting you and ruining your life, he would surely want to stop"
This last point, I think we know is ineffective because nagging, pleading, threatening are not generally effective. Our loved ones are already often aware of how they behavior is hurting, or worrying us... but this often just acts as a trigger for them to stifle emotions, pain, and create the desire to avoid a relationship with us, or numb their feelings with substances.
pain and tension in the relationship can act as triggers for use. Again, this does not mean that it is your fault. You are not the trigger
Self Care asks us to focus on things that bring us happiness, and personal enjoyment.
Physical and Emotional health
Hobbies
Work
Relationships
Other Interests
And enjoying time together with our loved one, when he’s not using substances
By doing these things & focusing on our own self-care… the book states we are "modeling" positive, healthy behaviors and setting an example for our loved one.
We are less independent than we realize. We have an impact on each other without saying a word
RESILIENCE
"Our ability to maintain equanimity, health, strength, and happiness or to bounce back, even (or especially) after a setback or a disappointment."
It helps people bend and not break
The basic self-care strategies include:
1. Eating well
2. Sleeping well
3. Exercise
4. Avoiding mood altering drugs
5. Treating Illness
In the book, it states while these things are obvious often family members neglect even basic self-care. Excuses for not going to the gym, visiting the doctor, or why its ok to indulge in junk food, etc.
1. The connection between physical and mental well-being cannot be overstated
2. Recognizing stressors as soon as possible can help motivate us to focus on our own basic care needs
3. These are all things we can control to some extent
A reminder... early chapters focused on the processes of motivation and change. We can use this knowledge to begin working on ourselves...meeting our basic needs is the first step for us.
DISTRESS TOLERANCE
Change takes time and is rarely -if ever- straightforward, especially where substances are involved, so your job as a helper and self-helper requires tolerating the way things are now, to some extent - however distressing they may be. Tolerance is acceptance over time, and it’s a cornerstone of self-care.
The more we fight a painful reality, the more we suffer.
I think this is an important point for me... not good to sit and spin the wheels, obsess over what could be... when at this moment certain things cannot be changed... awareness and acceptance also come into play IMO
The book says symptoms often of intolerance can manifests in symptoms such as insomnia, uncontrollable crying, anger issues.... Agree
Tolerance, like awareness and acceptance is a learned skill
A set of tools is presented & based on DBT - Dialectal Behavioral Therapy...
These are skills you can use to balance your urge to change things with tolerance for the way things are. You can use them to help you feel better and not make things worse: distraction, relaxation, self-soothing, taking a break, and making the moment better. They may not all work for you and they may not all work all the time, but the idea is to load up your toolbox and have it ready
DISTRACT YOURSELF
1. Switch the focus of your thoughts
2. Switch the focus of your emotions
3. Switch the focus of your senses
4. Do something generous
RELAX
....appealing directly to your body with specific relaxation techniques will... a) relax your body b) put your mind on relaxing your body instead of what is upsetting, and c) relax your mind because when your body is relaxed, your mind tends to follow suit. This threefold effect of relaxation reverses the spiral of distress. ....body tells mind tells body ..
SOOTHE YOURSELF
Self soothing involves making a gentle, comforting appeal to any of your five senses
TAKE A BREAK
The difference between running away from a problem and taking a healthy break lies in awareness. With awareness you can plan a break with the intention of facing your problem from a rested, revitalized perspective. With awareness you can recognize when you need a break and when its ok to take one.
MAKE IT BETTER
Make the moment better by creating a positive experience out of a negative one in any number of ways:
1. Half smile
2. Meditate or pray
3. Move
4. Find meaning
5. Borrow some perspective
PERSPECTIVE
Tolerating distress when it is not really an emergency (and staying calm even when it is) creates time and space to consider options and act in ways that are more likely to help. Panicked reactions, on the other hand usually make things worse.
Understanding a situation
Understanding our reactions
Stepping back and taking time to look at options
Seeing patterns
Seeing a path forward
Just a note.... in the case study given... options include being proactive as family members... seeing our own & our loved ones situation with perspective..
YOU HAVE TRIGGERS TOO
"When your own anxiety is triggered beyond your awareness, it’s a surefire way to lose perspective and the ability to cope and plan"
This case study was interesting and even mentions common things that can trigger us.. subtle sounds, smells... memory triggers..
Anxiety I think is common even into early recovery with our loved ones... we can drive ourselves crazy assuming the worst, actively looking for signs.....
with perspective, emotional resilience, and distress tolerance skills, you can enjoy the time when your loved one isn’t using instead of dwelling on the last time he did - or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
THERAPY AND OTHER THERAPUTIC OPTIONS
If you are not getting the support you need from other family members or friends, you may want to seek outside help from your doctor, a therapist, marriage counselor, mentor, spiritual adviser, and/or support group.
Loving someone with a substance abuse problem can be traumatic - literally. The author states family members often meet diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder... I agree with this also.. my therapist likened what I had been through with my husband as a trauma....
we suggest you pause long enough to think about what kind of support you want and from whom you can get it. Consider who is actually in a position to help you. Consider what kind of support you want - do you want someone asking " How is it with Tom? Every time you meet, or would you rather prefer a more logistical support such as babysitting the kids on a Saturday night? Or both?
Again I think this takes perspective to step back and look at options.. closely matching what each person needs as an individual.
The book mentions SMART recovery, an evidence based Non-12 step program for families.... this program incorporates the CRAFT approach into their family program which includes other behavioral tools. It also offers a growing number of local meetings for family members, as well as online meetings and peer support.
Partnership Drug Free has a program in place to help put parents in touch with experienced parent-coaches for peer support
Individual therapist, and substance abuse treatment centers that offer family programs are another other option for families
Also The book mentions 12 step programs, and in essence CRAFT can also be combined with any of these, by using the dictate "take what you want and leave the rest" -- also would like to comment I personally know individuals who combine aspects of both programs successfully to meet their needs..
In addition.... the book states
You might not want to attend any support group.... and thats ok too. For some people listening to other people’s stories and complaints about substance abuse is the last thing they want to do. But make sure you can talk with someone who will empathize with you - even if its empathizing with your need to talk about something else.
This chapter asks you to take responsibility for your part in your own health and happiness, for yourself and the benefit of your loved one. This does not mean there is something you could have done differently to prevent your loved ones behavior, or anything you could do now to make him behave in a certain way. THE POWER TO INFLUENCE SOMEONE, NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE INFLUENCE, IS NOT THE SAME AS RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANOTHER PERSONS CHOICES.
Our loved ones problems become our problems- thats the price we pay for love - but our loved ones problems are not our fault.
Our loved ones problems become our problems- thats the price we pay for love - but our loved ones problems are not our fault.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by BlueChair
Hi and Welcome!
The book info is here:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change - A Guide for Families*
by Jeffrey Foote PhD, Nicole Kosanke PhD, Carrie Wilkins PhD
I know several people have found it at their library, and if your local one doesnt have it they can often have it sent to them from another branch. Its also available online, and audio versions.
There's another book too, its called: Get Your Loved one sober alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening by Bob Meyers phd. Its more textbook style, Id probably start with Beyond Addiction if u can find it.
This website is helpful too: Home - The 20 Minute Guide
Please join us to chat, pose questions, or share from your experiences. Ive been reading some of your threads, congrats to both of you.
The book info is here:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change - A Guide for Families*
by Jeffrey Foote PhD, Nicole Kosanke PhD, Carrie Wilkins PhD
I know several people have found it at their library, and if your local one doesnt have it they can often have it sent to them from another branch. Its also available online, and audio versions.
There's another book too, its called: Get Your Loved one sober alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening by Bob Meyers phd. Its more textbook style, Id probably start with Beyond Addiction if u can find it.
This website is helpful too: Home - The 20 Minute Guide
Please join us to chat, pose questions, or share from your experiences. Ive been reading some of your threads, congrats to both of you.
Yes, my husband has been doing very well. Today I sent him a text at his work letting him know that I appreciate his sobriety. I know it is difficult for him, but I am trying my best to support and encourage him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
In Ch 2, there is some inconsistent discussion of the impact of ultimatums on the addict. Whether or not ultimatums are the ideal approach to stimulate change, they are often necessary for the health of the person living with an addict. I am at the point where I know I cannot have a person in active addiction living in my home - period. After the emotional pain I experienced with the first young man, my psyche just can't handle it. If the person living with me is not making serious efforts at recovery, he has to go. Is that an ultimatum? Maybe, but it is what is required for me.
In regard to ultimatums, the authors first discuss the difference between internal and external motivation, stating that while external motivation cannot by itself support sustained change (internal motivation is required for that), it can nevertheless provide the basis to initiate change. The author notes that such external motivators that can tip the balance in favor of change and lead the addict to seek treatment include things like - "it is either the drug or our marriage." This sounds like an ultimatum to me, and the author is saying that this is an example of an external motivator that can begin the positive process of change (p. 134). Later in the same chapter, however, the author suggests that ultimatums are never ideal and, in fact, can be counterproductive (p. 163).[/QUOTE)
Hi SeekingGrowth,
I can understand what you are saying in your post. You said that someone has to make serious efforts are recovery, or he has to go. I see what you mean, and I also believe that "recovery" can mean a lot of things. My husband is not doing AA, counseling, or anything, but he has shown a willingness to abstain from drinking for the past 28 days, so this is commitment to me. I am guessing that if one of your previous boyfriends had stopped heroin for 28 days, you would see this as some recovery as well.
I told my husband that I cannot live with someone in active addiction. This is a boundary I set up to protect myself, but it can also be implied as an ultimatum.
In regard to ultimatums, the authors first discuss the difference between internal and external motivation, stating that while external motivation cannot by itself support sustained change (internal motivation is required for that), it can nevertheless provide the basis to initiate change. The author notes that such external motivators that can tip the balance in favor of change and lead the addict to seek treatment include things like - "it is either the drug or our marriage." This sounds like an ultimatum to me, and the author is saying that this is an example of an external motivator that can begin the positive process of change (p. 134). Later in the same chapter, however, the author suggests that ultimatums are never ideal and, in fact, can be counterproductive (p. 163).[/QUOTE)
Hi SeekingGrowth,
I can understand what you are saying in your post. You said that someone has to make serious efforts are recovery, or he has to go. I see what you mean, and I also believe that "recovery" can mean a lot of things. My husband is not doing AA, counseling, or anything, but he has shown a willingness to abstain from drinking for the past 28 days, so this is commitment to me. I am guessing that if one of your previous boyfriends had stopped heroin for 28 days, you would see this as some recovery as well.
I told my husband that I cannot live with someone in active addiction. This is a boundary I set up to protect myself, but it can also be implied as an ultimatum.
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Originally Posted by soverylost
I don't think love has to be conditional. You can love someone who doesn't love you back, just be careful of how much you attach to them. Know what I mean? It feels better, to me, to love someone rather than hate them. Less energy to love, and it feels calmer in my heart. Being angry with someone makes me feel agitated and frustrated and tired.
Loving them doesn't mean you're letting them walk on you, it simply means, you care about them and want the best for them. That's healthy.
I have a BIL, in particular, who is very vocal about what I should do about my H. I am not prepared to do what he wants, and he can be vocal about it since he doesn't have to live it. It's hard to follow what YOU feel right, not what others tell you should feel right. Ultimately, you live your life, and they don't. Do what YOU feel is right.
And glad you are getting the book
Loving them doesn't mean you're letting them walk on you, it simply means, you care about them and want the best for them. That's healthy.
I have a BIL, in particular, who is very vocal about what I should do about my H. I am not prepared to do what he wants, and he can be vocal about it since he doesn't have to live it. It's hard to follow what YOU feel right, not what others tell you should feel right. Ultimately, you live your life, and they don't. Do what YOU feel is right.
And glad you are getting the book
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Originally Posted by soverylost
This is exactly what my personal therapist said to me yesterday - that H is choosing alcohol over family and me, and that he drinks simply because he is a drunk. That's why, as of today, she will be my former therapist.
Great summaries, Allfor. You do a wonderful job in zoning in to what is important in each chapter!
Great summaries, Allfor. You do a wonderful job in zoning in to what is important in each chapter!
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
This is where I can get a bit confused. When I told my husband that I cannot be in a relationship with someone involved in active addiction, I believe that what has kept him sober in the past 28 days is his marriage. He made a choice of our marriage and me over drinking, as that is pretty clear. His motivation appears to be shifting a little bit, as he said not drinking helps his liver, as he had Hep C in the past. But I think his main motivation in not drinking is wanting to be with me, as he enjoys my company more than if he was alone and drinking or drinking with buddies.
I was curious what part is confusing for you? My husband only got treatment because of me and his family. I think its kinda a thin line, when he envisions the life he wants it includes me, his career because it means a lot to him, a general lifestyle we had been leading, minus some of the bad bad stress he put on himself! But his desire for all these things I think motivate him. Using drugs isnt compatible with the life he wants. Does that make sense? Not good at trying to exlplain tonight maybe.
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It makes sense. I just wish my husband was getting sober more for himself and not me. I wish he would see more clearly how his drinking impairs our relationship. He does not take accountability for this, but is just not drinking because I told him I don't want him to. I wish he could more understand and see why I don't want him to, but he refuses to see this.
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Justbreathe I know for me it took several months at least for my motivation to change from external to internal. When I say this, I'm referring to the first time a got clean....not this second time. This was a relapse. So this last time I had an internal motivation from the get go. I had reached the point where I was done with pills.
But I was attending an IOP and my internal motivation came from what I learned about my own addiction and how it effected my life as well as the destruction I witnessed of other people's lives while I was in the program.
I don't know that much about your story or if your husband is working a program of some kind? I needed that. I doubt I would have been successful without it.
I will say that my motivation became stronger the longer I had been in the program. I started seeing how much better my life was without the pills. How much stronger my relationships were and just an overall healthy free feeling I felt.
But I was attending an IOP and my internal motivation came from what I learned about my own addiction and how it effected my life as well as the destruction I witnessed of other people's lives while I was in the program.
I don't know that much about your story or if your husband is working a program of some kind? I needed that. I doubt I would have been successful without it.
I will say that my motivation became stronger the longer I had been in the program. I started seeing how much better my life was without the pills. How much stronger my relationships were and just an overall healthy free feeling I felt.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
It makes sense. I just wish my husband was getting sober more for himself and not me. I wish he would see more clearly how his drinking impairs our relationship. He does not take accountability for this, but is just not drinking because I told him I don't want him to. I wish he could more understand and see why I don't want him to, but he refuses to see this.
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Since we have talked some on this thread about mindfulness.. I thought I would add in this link from the Secular forum - it links to a special 60 Minutes documentary on the topic.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ndfulness.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ndfulness.html
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Book Quote:
'On a deep instinctual level, their brains are telling them that by stopping using, something is missing, something is wrong. This is a huge factor in relapse, despite good intentions and efforts to change.'
'On a deep instinctual level, their brains are telling them that by stopping using, something is missing, something is wrong. This is a huge factor in relapse, despite good intentions and efforts to change.'
Allforcnm, FANTASTIC thread, gonna order the book.
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Chapter 10: Reinforcement
This book and thread is very helpful to me, too. I especially appreciate the authors' awareness of how challenging the helper's role is, and the self care ideas they offer to maintain resilience and strength. And I think this book does a good job of explaining how a family member can help someone change without also being responsible for the addict's choices.
Like someone else mentioned in an earlier post, I realize that I don't do a great job of reinforcing my husband's attempts at sobriety, either. It's hard to do so after experiencing repeated relapses. Yet I understand the logic of "rewarding your loved one for positive behavior" and "ignoring or withdrawing a reward for negative behavior" (175). As the authors acknowledge, it's akin to raising a child or training a dog
Does anyone have experience with a person who takes Antabuse to prevent drinking? It seems that the only time my husband doesn't drink is when he takes Antabuse, which he does for about 10 days before going off it and falling off the wagon. I guess taking antabuse is positive behavior? Yes, he starts to get back to himself again, which is great and makes me want to stay married to him. But then, as has been the pattern for--oh, augh, I was about to write 6 months when I realized that it has been more than a year--he stops taking the medication and resumes drinking.
Although he applauds himself for taking the medication and not drinking, from my perspective Antabuse functions as a temporary panacea rather than a program. As the BA authors note, "the best way to ensure compliance [with Antabuse] is by administering the medication with supervision" (223). Yep, but my husband wants/needs to be in charge of his 'program,' which is what drew him to SMART and CRAFT rather than AA in the first place, so the last thing he wants is supervision.
Speaking of which, I'm wondering if anyone else finds it challenging knowing when the addict is/isn't sober. My husband hides his drinking and lies about it when/if I ask, so the only way I know what he's doing is when I find the evidence. Knowing when to reinforce positive behavior is challenging when you're not sure what's really happening.
Like someone else mentioned in an earlier post, I realize that I don't do a great job of reinforcing my husband's attempts at sobriety, either. It's hard to do so after experiencing repeated relapses. Yet I understand the logic of "rewarding your loved one for positive behavior" and "ignoring or withdrawing a reward for negative behavior" (175). As the authors acknowledge, it's akin to raising a child or training a dog
Does anyone have experience with a person who takes Antabuse to prevent drinking? It seems that the only time my husband doesn't drink is when he takes Antabuse, which he does for about 10 days before going off it and falling off the wagon. I guess taking antabuse is positive behavior? Yes, he starts to get back to himself again, which is great and makes me want to stay married to him. But then, as has been the pattern for--oh, augh, I was about to write 6 months when I realized that it has been more than a year--he stops taking the medication and resumes drinking.
Although he applauds himself for taking the medication and not drinking, from my perspective Antabuse functions as a temporary panacea rather than a program. As the BA authors note, "the best way to ensure compliance [with Antabuse] is by administering the medication with supervision" (223). Yep, but my husband wants/needs to be in charge of his 'program,' which is what drew him to SMART and CRAFT rather than AA in the first place, so the last thing he wants is supervision.
Speaking of which, I'm wondering if anyone else finds it challenging knowing when the addict is/isn't sober. My husband hides his drinking and lies about it when/if I ask, so the only way I know what he's doing is when I find the evidence. Knowing when to reinforce positive behavior is challenging when you're not sure what's really happening.
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