evilive911

I have had about as much as I can take, and I have to get this off of my chest:

I have been sober for 9 years now. I was a low-bottom addict who lost everything. AA truly was the “last stop” for me. After becoming homeless and losing everything, I had no choice but to seek treatment. I did an intensive outpatient program coupled with a sober living facility. It changed my life. My therapist was in recovery, and did an amazing job at helping me. He did so by boosting my self-confidence and noting my strengths when I thought I was a worthless piece of ****. I learned a lot from him, and also my peers in treatment. This experience helped define who I am today.
Also, there was AA. It was a necessary part of the treatment program I was in. I didn’t like it from the beginning. As an atheist, I thought it was a bunch of archaic nonsense. I sucked it up and did the best I could, because I had to. I was required to go to AA, and also, I was still very raw and depressed as a result of my former lifestyle. I needed something more than just therapy, or at least I thought I did. I wanted to belong to something so bad and I tried so hard to belong in AA. I never really delved deep into the fellowship, because, quite frankly, I find most people to be not genuine, boring, and basically full of ****. I didn’t really want what they had, but boy I sure thought I did. I knew what I had wasn’t enough, at least at the time.
I worked the steps the best way I could. My sponsor was a condescending *******, but he taught me some things about myself and never hesitated to tell me when I was doing something wrong or making a bad decision (I often was). I made it through the steps up to 10. When I got to step 11, it wasn’t so much that I was afraid of prayer and meditation. I tried the best an atheist can try at something like that. But, my life got better, I felt better, and I stopped going to meetings and went without a sponsor. I went for 5 years or more without going to a meeting or working a program. Slowly, I started to slip back into a slump. I started acting selfishly and started hurting others. I never relapsed, but I guess you could say I was a “dry drunk” (I really hate that term, but I don’t know what else to call it).
I got into troublesome relationships with women. One relationship in particular was with a young lady who was profoundly mentally ill was what brought me down to my knees. I found myself engaging in really sick behavior with her. I didn’t use drugs, but when we broke up, I felt like was bound for a relapse. That breakup was the most spiritually draining experience I had had since using drugs. I had nowhere else to turn but back to AA.
Let me back up a little. I worked at a treatment center at the time as a “recovery coach.” I got the opportunity from an old friend I went to treatment with. Even though I wasn’t working a program, I thought it would be a good opportunity, and it actually was. I loved it. I still work there today. It feels good to help others who were in the same gutter I was in. You can imagine, however, how much of a fraud I felt like. Sure, I was sober, but I wasn’t doing what had been ingrained in me to do: go to meetings, work a program with a sponsor, blah blah blah. So between the demise of my relationship with a girl who I was madly in love with and the feelings of being “not genuine,” I returned to AA. This is where a concept of what I call “AA guilt” began for me.

I have a sponsor now who is NOT a condescending *******. He’s a really good guy with many admirable qualities. Basically, he has what I want, but I’m beginning to think that I am too fundamentally different to have what he has. I worked the steps with him. I was very thorough, but I still find meetings to be incredibly nerve-wracking. I still dismiss a lot of what is said in the big book due to my non beliefs. I still never went “all in.” I went to two meetings a week and would run meetings at a detox center sometimes to get some service work in. It never felt like enough. I never went to meetings and came out saying “boy, I sure feel better” I always feel annoyed, alienated, and misunderstood. My program never felt like it was enough compared to what others were doing. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to do more, but this amount of dedication was all I could ever manage to do.
One day about 2 months ago, I said “fuck it” I stopped putting pressure on myself. I stopped going to meetings. And you know what, it was AWESOME. I had time to pursue hobbies, spend time with my new girlfriend who is awesome and I have a healthy relationship with, and just be myself. I don’t need a fellowship, or tons of friends. I have a few friends I hang out with very occasionally and we have a lot of fun (they aren’t in the program).

So I find myself going back, because this “AA guilt” came back. I felt like I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I didn’t go back because I was unhappy. I talked to my sponsor when I went to the meeting. It made me feel worse. He told me I wasn’t working a program. My response was basically along the lines of “But, I have a good life.” He told me maybe I don’t need AA. I was offended by that. I have been brainwashed to think that if I’m not going to meetings or actively working the steps at any given time, I’m ******* up. But I don’t think I’m ******* up. I came out of that meeting and talking with my sponsor, and all these insecurities that previously went away when I stopped going to meetings suddenly returned. Now I feel like a fraud again. Like my recovery isn’t good enough. And I’m sick of feeling this way.

The only reason I went back to AA was out of guilt. I just want one person, one person, to understand what I’m going through as an atheist who doesn’t agree 100 percent with AA and the need to be a part of a fellowship with people who I have nothing in common with. I wish there was another way to “be in recovery” without being in AA. I don’t feel like I’m a “dry drunk” I try to be a good person, make amends when I’m wrong, and take close evaluations of myself. What can I do? I live in the southeast in a middle sized town. AA is the only game in town, there are no other support groups. I just don’t feel like AA is a good fit for me anymore. I believe I’ve grown out of it. Any thoughts?

Dee74

Hi evillive - welcoem

I moved your post here to this forum because AA and 12 step topics (either for or against) are not allowed in our Secular Connections forum.

If you want to start another thread in the Secular Connections forum asking about secular approaches to recovery, that'll be fine

Dee
Moderator
SR

PhoenixJ

Hi there. I do AA or SMART or Buddhist meditation or anything that feels right. If it does not feel right- I move on. The big word there- movement. Always doing something. I am 19 months into recovery- so I cannot equate my limited experience with years of sobriety- but if I feel guilty- it means something is not right. Perhaps something as simple as cleaning my living space and going for a walk. More often it means working on me. I equate guilt to an imbalance in my emotional well being. Guilt is pain. Like physical pain- I can be a warning sign to keep trying, working. I run 2 AA meetings, have done the steps and have a sponsor. But it is not my career. I do it because I have not found anything else to fill it. It is not perfect and I do not expect others to solve my bad feelings for me. I do that with a counselor and a psychologist. CBT is especially good for this.
Support to you.

awuh1

I agree that many people use AA to help get sober and then don't continue to go to meetings. That's fine. I'm glad it helped when you needed it most.

AA meetings are not synonymous with what "AA" is. It's alot more than meetings.

My advice is not to let a few abrasive people with opinions you don't agree with keep you from attending a meeting now and then.

You can also stay connected with a "recovery community" right on this site, which might be a good thing for your recovery long term.

All the best to you.

Wholesome

I'm not an AA person but I want to chime and say there are LOTS of people who get sober and go on to live happy full lives without AA. I think everyone should do what's right for them and not feel pressure or guilt to have to get sober in a certain kind of way. AA shouldn't be a life sentence, it seems perfectly natural for people to move on once they've gotten better. Once you are permanently sober then there should be no need for more meetings no?

Dropsie

Just my opinion, but I agree with your feeling of just wanting to live your life after so many years.

I would spend sometime trying to figure out what is causing the guilt because like Zen said most people who successfully stop drinking do not go to AA.

This is not to criticise AA, but just to state a fact.

I think the real issue may be to get comfortable with your sober together self without guilt and see where AA plays a role, if at all.

And if you go, dodge the people you don't like (like anywhere).

I equate it with going to church, which I do sometimes even though I do not agree with everything they say -- on balance I find it a plus, and when I don't, I don't go. No guilt (ok just a little).

Bottom line, maybe its time to enjoy what you have built, but don't risk it.