Addict obsessive thinking?

[meditation]

Today I've been hard at recovery. I have been to two step meetings and an aftercare meeting.

I just can only take it in small doses but today was overkill.
The more meetings I go to the more I wonder if I am doing something wrong because I am more than happy to be NOT in a meeting.

I get depressed hearing about how people are struggling and in every type of meeting I hear about how wonderful the program is in helping them but none of them are happy and each week it is more of how miserable they are doing but how happy they are to be there and be in whatever step meeting it is they are in and how the program is helping them. I don't understand this at all.

I don't see happy and joyous. I also don't feel the need to be in a meeting so the problem is I wonder because I feel so different about it that either I am not working a program and about to relapse just don't know it yet OR I am not an addict and can't ever understand OR my program of mishmash is working and step meetings aren't my answer?

I have struggled with this since I got into recovery last fall. I don't think I am about to relapse but I hear so much negativity that I wonder if I would know it?

Right now I just think maybe I've overdone the meeting thing too much today and ti's gotten me thinking too much.

In my heart I think my approach (prayer, meditation, Reiki, exercise and gardening) is working for me but if I had it my way not the mandated way I would drop the step meetings and be a whole lot happier but oh well.

Maybe I am just tired and need to go to bed and quit worrying about stuff. It does not help me to hear in a step meeting that people that "don't do step work relapse". ugh. Or the guy that shared how he detoxed and did it on his own and made it 2. 5 years sober and clean and then relapsed without the steps. That horrified me. I hope that he just wanted an excuse to use and took it and it had nothing to do with steps but what do I know. This whole recovery is to me a big guess on what works and how and for how long. I feel depressed the more I hear about it all.
I can't handle steps because I don't believe that I am powerless. I am the one that put that stuff in my system. Nobody but me so I feel that I've got it in me somehow to not choose to keep putting it back in. I mean I would not take a slug of floor wax so why put something in me that would be to my downfall like my DOC? I think I am grieving the loss forever of feeling blissful and without it but let me drag out a tool here that tape player. Yeah playing the tape... it ends bad as usual.
Okay kids going to bed. :praying

[meditation]

I guess I've heard too much of it in one day and not able to deprogram myself.

I wish I could take a pass on the meetings but not possible.

It is really really good to hear that bit of positive news about your family and the way you are doing this Phal. Thanks for helping me. I think I can sleep now. A big big hug to you:ghug

[bugsworth]

Meditation...what you are feeling is cognitive dissonance. This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time. I too experienced the same thing in meetings. It seems that you are required to attend meetings and that leaves you open to listening to things which are absolutely not true. The powerlessness theory, if believed, is the foundation for the whole aa program. I also am of the belief that I am not powerless hence the rest of the program is useless to me. My advise is to remain focused on your sobriety...remain vigilant about filtering out the dogma and above all stay true to yourself. As you already know sobriety is up to you...try to make the best of this experience and when it is over move on. Best of luck!

[gerryP]

As Bugsworth offers "try to make the best of this experience and when it's over move on"

I agree with every word in Bugsworth post. Best of everything Meditation.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by meditation

I don't see happy and joyous. I also don't feel the need to be in a meeting so the problem is I wonder because I feel so different about it that either I am not working a program and about to relapse just don't know it yet OR I am not an addict and can't ever understand OR my program of mishmash is working and step meetings aren't my answer?

Aaaaaaaa!


Meditation, I hope you are feeling better today. That's a lot to think about. What I see in that post is a lot of what other people think. What do you think? Honestly. You know what you need to do...what works for you and what doesn't. Seek out the people around here who don't do steps/groups. Cling to them.

I think this is your solution, plus SR, of course :

Originally Posted by meditation

In my heart I think my approach (prayer, meditation, Reiki, exercise and gardening) is working for me but if I had it my way not the mandated way I would drop the step meetings and be a whole lot happier but oh well.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by meditation

I get depressed hearing about how people are struggling and in every type of meeting I hear about how wonderful the program is in helping them but none of them are happy and each week it is more of how miserable they are doing but how happy they are to be there and be in whatever step meeting it is they are in and how the program is helping them. I don't understand this at all.

Maybe this belongs in another forum, but I'll give it a shot. What you are describing sounds exactly like what I see in really weak meetings. You walk in and nobody looks happy. A bunch of people complaining about their problems, topped off with how grateful they are. I agree, it makes no sense to me either. Almost comical.

Closed meetings (even better are those informally known as primary purpose, or solution based) are generally much more focused on the solution. It's an amazing difference. People come early, are laughing and sharing real stuff before and after the meeting, and the meeting is focused on recovery. No whining, no this is what happened to me today crap.

Oddly enough, the folks in those hard core meetings won't give a darn what your personal beliefs are. They'll just focus on the solution.

[meditation]

Thanks for all the wonderful support. I think Bam and Bugs are correct in the problem.
I usually can filter it all out but I had too much of it in one day.

For what it is worth I go to closed meetings of both types of step meetings so it's not the watered down versions, It's the real deal. Probably the area I am in. The solution of course is don't drink or don't use. But that is sort of obvious solution. I am not one to really open up to people due to years of trust issues and anyway I was told to just listen instead of share as I have less than a year of sobriety.

I doubt seriously they would want to hear how I keep clean and happy as it's not really in the BB or the Basic text and I would surely not want to derail someone else and make it a divisive issue.

Sometimes though I get the doubts about my recovery. I would feel better about it if I had a couple of years under my belt.

I can relate to the idea that I am doubting my own recovery success as to it being cognitive dissonance as that really makes sense. My own internal beliefs clash with all the chatter about why people are relapsing in the step programs so it tends to make me wonder if my program will collapse.

Perhaps this is normal in recovery to have such worries. I mean I don't feel cocky arrogant about it at all I just try to be vigilant. I don't think about drugs or until I am in a step program and I am doing so much better almost at where I was and who I was before this awful addiction started.

I will agree that addiction is cunning and baffling. I have tried to wrap my head around it.

I love you guys for your support. THANKS THANKS THANKS