If I don't believe in god, how is it possible I think I'm it?

[SelfSeeking]

I have been doing so good with that third step stuff... really feeling that peace, you know? And then I started a new shift at work and find myself in the same old alcoholic thinking, trying to control the world around me.

It happens so quickly I only realize it after it's happened and I'm like, err? What happened to me? I don't feel like picking up now but every other feeling is there that surrounds picking up... arrogance, frustration, sadness, that I can't force everyone to do what I want them to.

The weird part, though, is that I'm identifying what's going on. I didn't use to think that it was ridiculous to expect people and situations to bend to my will. I always used to think that my motivations were pure and altruistic so therefore behaving badly was excusable. I don't think I even thought that far, to be honest. It's way more uncomfortable this way! It seems that not only does AA take the fun out of your drinking, but out of being an @sshole as well. Had to stop drinking because of that... guess now I have to stop being an @sshole, too.

[Bamboozle]

I don't think you're an @$$hole. You don't smell like one.

I hope things are going well for you, SS.

[SelfSeeking]

Thanks, Bam Things are still going well, if I can just manage not to putz it up.

[desertdonna]

I think that when we find ourselves in new situations, schedules, challenges, moving, cars breaking down *cough*, it is very easy to resort to our old behaviors that we thought served us. Alas, they don't. Sneaky little bast*rds, aren't they?

You're demonstrating very smart self awareness, SS.

I'm proud of you.

Hugs,

Donna

[SelfSeeking]

Thanks, Donna Last night before work I spent some good time meditating/thinking/praying about it and while it was still challenging, it went smoother. I focused on my own little sphere of influence and left everything else alone. Once I straightened my head out I did feel that I must report some abusive stuff I witnessed... I work with vulnerable people. So I did that. I'm a little bit afraid because I'm so new but I trust my supervisor and how passionately she feels about this work, too, so I think it'll be ok. Sometimes you just have to step up. And I went to sleep this morning with a clear conscience

[desertdonna]

When I reflect on all of the great leaders, human rights activists and peacemakers, I can only surmise the struggles and obstacles they endured. I feel quite sure they, too, spent much time reflecting and searching their hearts before stepping up to the plate.

We do have an inner voice (our conscience perhaps) that prompts our path for the greater good, no matter the consequence. Yep, sometimes we get in the way of it. Sometimes others interfere. But if we hold steady the path will have its way. And it feels right and true.

You did good. My thoughts are with you.

Hugs,

Donna

[windysan]

What, me worry?

YouTube - Blind Idiot God - Stealth Dub

[SelfSeeking]

Thanks, Windy, I forgot what being stoned felt like....

Speaking of which I had the craziest using dream while I was sleeping today (night shift craziness). Some guy who looked like Tom Cruise in Valkyrie was ordering somebody else to take this shot and the other person was like "No! I don't want to!" and looked all upset so I stepped in and took the vodka shot to, uh, help him out. And then I was like "oh no!!! I drank!" and woke up in the middle of plans to never tell anybody about it and keep my 'day count'. I don't think I ever had a drinking dream like that that was so real I thought for several minutes after I woke up that I was hung over.

[desertdonna]

I've had some doozy dreams, but none about drinking. Mine have revolved around my cats getting loose outside and I'm desperately trying to get them, to save them from other cats or animals. I wake up freaked.

As my cats don't have any hair, they wouldn't have any fur to protect them around others cats if they were outside unsupervised. Think Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers movies. I have three of them

That's me---dreaming about cats or dogs. Weird. Well, dreams are all weird anyway.

But I've heard of drinking dreams often on SR. I can imagine they'd be a bit unsettling.

Hope you have a great year, SS. We'll start with Happy New Year.



Big hugs.

[ananda]

did my fear inventory with my sponsor....it was helpful, but now the hard work comes...allowing my self the opportunity to change .... not rushing willy nilly into something different.

She is so cute she says she can tell when the buddha nature is flowing through me and it definately isn't right now LOL

For a god person she translates real well....

6 and 7 hummmmmmmmm

[Jazzed_N_AZ]

Originally Posted by SelfSeeking

Thanks, Donna Last night before work I spent some good time meditating/thinking/praying about it and while it was still challenging, it went smoother. I focused on my own little sphere of influence and left everything else alone. Once I straightened my head out I did feel that I must report some abusive stuff I witnessed... I work with vulnerable people. So I did that. I'm a little bit afraid because I'm so new but I trust my supervisor and how passionately she feels about this work, too, so I think it'll be ok. Sometimes you just have to step up. And I went to sleep this morning with a clear conscience

Some people are born great and responsible,
some have greatness and responsibility thrust upon them,
while others grow into situations of great responsibility.
The greatness isn't the glitz and glamor surrounding the responsibility
but the benefit to others that one chooses to be responsible for.

The word "others" covers many, many venues
from still sick and suffering to customer. (JMO)

[SelfSeeking]

Watch out guys, don't puff up my alcoholic ego Thar I blow!! I am totally cringing right now, I have to go to work for the first time since I told my supervisor about the abuse I witnessed. My @ss might be grass.

[SerenityGirl]

Hope all goes well selfseeking!!!