Thoughts?

[Doug]

Hi all,

I had a rather puzzling thought tonight regarding my son who just turned 13. He lives with me now, close to 2 years after his mom (after alot of drama) decided to let him come live with me. Since that seems to have effectively releived her of any real parenting stuff, she treats him like a "friend" now, and her house is a pretty cool place to hang out now, as it probably would be for any 12-13 yr old.

It occured to me tonight, that if I ever use the old, "You can't live here if you ever use/abuse", speech on him, its really not any big deal to him because he has his moms place to fall back on.

I've always been the "A" around here, and I know if it had happened to me like that, it certainly would not have felt like anything I needed to worry about.

I should note here my son is not using, and this is not an issue yet, and maybe it won't be, but I'd like to ready for it if I need to be. And I always thought I'd tell my kids they can't live in my house if they choose to use, but suddenly, it seems my son would be an exception to this.

So has anybody been here before? Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions?

[Ann]

Doug, good for you for thinking that through.

That was a consequence for my son, and although he didn't have another parent to run to, he did have other people who willingly took him in...until he wore out his welcome there as well.

It's a codie dilemma, but what I learned was that I could only control my own boundaries and make sure I was honest with anyone else who might ask about him or his behaviour for this reason.

I'm interested in what other split parents may think. I think the fact that the other person is a parent also makes it more difficult for everyone. Also, the age of your son is significantly different than the age of mine.

Hmmm, I almost cancelled this post because as I reply I realize our situations really are quite different, but I think I'll leave it anyway, just because. And I'm going to hang out and listen too.

Hugs

[historyteach]

Hi, Doug;
Well, Trevor is much older than your son too, but, I've BEEN in your situation. Bill, my ex, has never had any boundaries with Trevor. He has always let him in, supported him; enabled him. Even BEFORE we divorced.

It's not easy. Bill would not, and still will not let himself change. It's a mark of honor for him to be stubborn. Seriously. He jokes about it that way, and he really means it. He'd rather remain the same old broken way than admit he was possibly wrong. This, a man who never once apologised for anything during our 24 year marriage.

So, if mom plays that game, G*D forbid your son ever slip into the oblivian of addiction, I can only say this. It will be impossible for you to change either one of you. You will have to take care of you especially well. Cuz, if not, their behaviors will make you very ill.

Take it from one who's been there. I pray you don't ever have to find out first hand.

Shalom!

[ranae1221]

i don't have children, but can share what happened to my brother.

my parents divorced when my brother was about 9. my dad was an alcoholic, who really was just so wrapped up in his own problems and life he couldn't really have a "parental" relationship with us. going to visit there were never any rules, you could do whatever whenever. of course at my mom's, there were rules as any responsible parent would have.

when my brother was 15, he started going through a tough time. skipping school, fighting with my mom, always threatening to run away, call the cops accusing her of "abuse", etc. he almost hit my mom on a few occassions, and instead would punch holes in the wall. he refused to follow any rules, restricitions, etc. I have no idea if these behaviors were due to drugs/alcohol or just teen rebellion. He wanted to live with our dad where it was "fun", and finally when he was 16 my mom let him.

it was one of the hardest things for her to do, but she also realized that forcing him to stay was making things worse.

after less than a year, my brother saw that life with dad wasn't that great after all. that my mom may have been strict, but it was out of love.

now at 23, he is a different person. he is very respectful to our mom, nothing life the 16 year old he used to be. he is someone i am proud to say is my brother.

in my non-parent opinion, you need to set whatever rules/boundries you need to in your home. if your son does not abide by them, that would be his choice, and if that means he stays with his mom for awhile, he will quickly see that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

[upanddownjj]

Jessica - you are so wise !!

[ranae1221]

lol....nah, i just fake it well!!

[Doppelganger]

So, um... your ex...
How did she feel about you using/drinking? Did it play any part in your breakup? Hmmm? And, if she hated it when you did it, she's likely to hate seeing history repeat itself. And just because she gets to be the cool permissive parent right now doesn't mean she wouldn't turn parental if your son suddenly wound up on her doorstep.

I don't have any kids. But I do think that making your standards known to your son can only be a good thing. Ask yourself, though, if you really want to deliver an absolute statement like "you can't live here if you...", because if you waffle, my friend, you become someone who is not to be taken seriously. An "I love you and I want your health and happiness, so please..." will go as far as any ultimatum ever did. Maybe you can wait to decide what you can and can't live with until you're actually in a situation you're not sure you can live with.

Huggy-poo,
Dop

[GettingFree]

My A didn't come into my life until after my eldest was a teen and I had already established my guidelines. As I wasn't dealing with addiction then, my guidelines were probably different than what others here might have.

I expected my children (who are now 18, 21 and 24), would experiment with alcohol and at least pot. And I did not believe that making an absolute zero policy would be helpful, but may make the appeal stronger. So I permitted usage, and I made it very clear to them what my limits were and what I would consider a problem -- if I saw them became out of control, if they were drinking/smoking on their own alone, if it was used frequently, if it was used during school days, etc. And that if I saw any of this, I would come down hard.

Now with all of them young adults, I am really happy to say none have problems with any substance, and all have a very controlled and take-it-or-leave-it approach, and it only is used in social situations with friends. And they'll all doing pretty well in other parts of their lives.

just my experience,
gf

[BigSis]

Hey Doug,

Both Mr. Big and I are alcoholic, but we quit drinking because we thought that by changing the environment, we would somehow change the outcome. Today, I don't believe that works, but I didn't know that then.

We ended up having to kick out both of our children at different times... in each case, the kids were too immature and too unprepared and we were incredibly upset by having to go "that far".

What I know today is that we needed to try and do all the things we did... rehabs, outpatient, inpatient, counselors, church... they all had a place in our recovery.... that of the addicts and that of we codependents who are their parents.

I doubt your path will be the same as ours, but I don't presume so much about addiction anymore. Even though I know much more about it, I understand less.

I wish you the best.

[Autumn]

Originally Posted by Doug

So has anybody been here before?

Yep. As the kid.

I was about 12-13 years old when Mom pawned me off on Dad, and the age I started using. My Dad was the disciplinarian, and my Mother was overly-permissive.

I don't know much about your relationship with your son. But it sounds like Mom's house is more fun than Dad's for a reason.

Mom's house was more fun for me, well, because I could sneak out and go get high. Heck, I could have even lived in her house without her knowing - that's how oblivious she was.

Dad's house, in comparison, was like a prison.

So I started running away, getting in trouble with boys, getting heavier into drugs - all the while Dad issuing ultimatums, threats, and preaching.

What could Dad have done for me that would have meant the world? Spent time with me. Took me places. Listened to my problems. Been my friend - not just my Dad.

I saw how difficult it was for them - my parents. They both worked full-time, and didn't have much time left for me. But today, I have a lot of resentments, because they didn't keep me as busy as they could have. I was a talented kid, with a lot of ambition.

You have a 13-year old son! I remember my brother at that age - how he so idolized our Dad. Wanted to be just like him. I think it's a great age for you and your son to be spending more time together and getting to be friends - going to games, school activities, karate classes, fishing; you get the idea. Fill up his days, keep him occupied. You can't keep him from his Mom, I guess, but perhaps the two of you can work together to make sure that his time is structured. He loves you and needs his Dad more than you know - and when things aren't going well in the home, kids usually act out, especially when communication is lacking.

A child's biggest fear is abandonment, and even if he starts using, at this age he will need you more than at any time of his life.

Good luck Doug.


~Autumn