Son checking into detox, but.....

[Durango]

I don't believe it's for the right reasons....

He was supposed to have gone in Monday and they didn't have a bed and scheduled him for today. Naturally, he used this as an opportunity to party over the holiday weekend. We (meaning my daughter and I) "rescued" him from one of his drama situations (girlfriend-also A-took his truck hostage by removing the plates) because he said "this is it...I'm going into detox and then going to face the legal issues and get my life back on track". That was on Thursday evening. Friday we called around for a detox hospital and that's when they set it up for Monday. He spent Saturday and Sunday playing golf, going out on a boat to party with his sister and her friends (one who is crazy about him and also gets sucked into helping him). He had picked up his paychecks (only $400 total because he hadn't been working a full week) and this friend deposited them in her checking account, but gave him $100 of it. He KNEW he had to have $350 to check into the hospital on Monday, but when I picked him up to take him on Monday, the $300 was still in her checking account. Like a good co-dependant Mom, I said I would write a check for it and the girl would get the $300 to me later that day, but it's still $50 short and Son's ass is saved AGAIN by everyone else figuring out how to solve HIS problems.

To make a long story short (besides, you've all heard it before), they had no bed, rescheduled it for today (wed) so I took him back to his sister's house where he could party for 2 more days. Now today I'm predicting that he's not going to have ANY money left, so my dilemma is whether I should pay the $350 for him to get admitted when I feel he's only going through this 1. because his insurance will pay the rest of it ($3500) 2. He's going to have to face a judge and possible jail time so he didn't want to detox in jail 3. He feels it will help his case in court if he's shown that he's "trying".

I just don't feel he's wanting to quit drinking, he just wants to get out of trouble. His boss told him he will still have a job when he gets these problems cleared up, so now he's got all these people supporting his efforts when he's really not making any effort. Then I start thinking maybe this time the benefits of sobriety will take hold once his head is clear again so I want to help him at least get through the door. He's got 2 boys (11 & 6) who he loves dearly, but right now the alcohol comes first....he didn't even spend any time with them this weekend knowing he's going to be in the hospital for 10 days, plus possible jail time (for dui's).

I've been on this site since last Thurs. because I need the support of people who understand all sides of this. I dated a guy once who was in recovery for 11 years and found out then what fabulous people recovering alcoholics are! I SO want my son to be one of those people because I know he will be so much happier! I'm doing so so on the detaching and not being co-de, but obviously it's still tugging at me. He's 35 years old and has to do this himself. He went through rehab once (12 days) and that was his first exposure to AA. He seemed to really be "getting it", but when he came out, he didn't go to one meeting, didn't get the meds from his doctor, didn't go to counseling and basically said he couldn't imagine never having a drink again....I guess the one day at a time theory hadn't caught his attention. This is why I don't feel he's going into detox because he want's to quit.

I just need some feedback....your thoughts on this situation. Thanks for listening!

[Durango]

Adding to the message above:

He (son) called me awhile ago to tell me he had called the hospital and they have a bed for him so he would be here soon so I could drive him. I was all set with maps on how to get there and even made a pot of strong coffee for him. Then he called back and said "you sound irritated with me so I got a ride". I told him I wasn't irritated, but I guess I was (see what I posted above) and it must have come through in my voice, huh?

Anyway, I said ok, told him good luck and to hang in there and that I loved him, so now it's back out of my hands which is a relief, but I'm feeling the manipulation here....him trying to make me feel like I did something wrong so now he'll "punish" me by getting someone else to take him in. The part that pisses me off is that it's working....guess this is where I need to find an Al-anon meeting and get a dose of reality.

Jesus....he just called me again to ask about how to get there and we cleared up the "I know you're irritated" thing, so I'm not feeling guilty or like I'm a bad mother. This crap sure does a number on all of us, doesn't it?

[atalose]

You are NOT a bad mother, you love your son and would do anything to help him. My fiances(ex) mother learned when he was in his 20's that there was nothing she could possible do to help him. And beleive me she tried. She put him in the best rehab's in the county, she did everything in her power to hellp him get help. The problem was, he really didn't want to get help. Now at 40 years old, she is helping him again, financialy with rehab's, but from a distance. For her sanity, she needs to be at a distance from him now. She also got a restraining order against him many years ago because she was afraid of him. I know she loves him, but while in rehab, she told him he could not come back to her house to live anymore. He freaked out, but that was shear panic, thinking he would be homeless. She offered to pay for a hotel room on a short term basis while he got himself into a halfway house. He got out of rehab, a 28 day program and realized he did need more therapy that sitting around alone in a hotel room was not good and took counselors advise and went to another facility in Florida. What his insurance won't pay, she is. Lucky for him she can afford it. She has learned to keep herself healthy including her own emotions. She went back to talk with a counselor and I feel bad that I lost contact with her. I was an emotional wreck and thought I would do her more harm then good. I think I will send her a letter today. Please don't let yourself start to fall down that spiral of self doubt. He is where he needs to be and it's up to him if he gets out of it what he's suppose to. Do what is best for you right now, and let him do what is best for him. Hang in there, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Durango]

The "thank you" was not enough. I wanted to tell you that what you wrote was exactly what I needed to hear, that taking care of myself is what I'm supposed to be doing...that if he's going to get through this, he'll do it without me "hovering" over him. He believes I can't help him financially, so he doesn't come to me for that and he's still got a couple of people who enable him so I'm praying he sticks to this. Yes, write to your ex's mother!!

[atalose]

He may just have to do that, go through it all. The courts, the rehab what ever he has to own up to, is his to own up to. My ex was in jail for 12 days, everyday he called his mother to bail him out, she stopped asnsering the phone and turned off her answering machine. He was yelling at her, blaming her, etc. etc. it was the hardest thing for her to do but she left him in jail, refused to bail him out. His mother and brothers had no intention of bailing him out and the attorny they hired along with the prosecutor asked to have his bail increased so none of his enablers could bail him out either. He detoxed in jail, then realized what he had done and became of remorseful he wanted to go into rehab. He could not beleive that he threatened me to the point where I needed to get a restraining order and he could not beleive he was talking to his mother the way he was. She told me, he's not the person we know and love right now, he's the addict. She hadn't seen the addict in so many years, I don't think it was something she though she would ever have to deal with again. She told me right from the begining, take care of you, worry about you and not what the future might hold because we don't know what's in the future for any of us. I miss her and I am going to send her a letter today. You keep being strong....

[Durango]

You're absolutely right about him needing to go to jail....that's why a few weeks ago when he knew he was going before the judge and knew he needed $1500 to stay out of jail, I told him "sorry son, I just don't have it", thinking that this would finally make him look at where he's at and what he's doing. Nope...he just didn't show up, so now the fine will be $5,000-8,000 and the jail time tripled. This is why I think he decided to go into detox.

[atalose]

He may be only fooling himself by going into rehab thinking he can avoid his court responsibilities. But it's just that, HIS responsibilities for him to deal with. You sound like a very stronge person who's putting tuff love in place. I know you want the best for your son and going to jail sounds so hard and scary, but it may be just what he needs. My ex fiance could not beleive his mother or brothers would not bail him out. He made several calls to his mother, of course many of them yelling and screaming at her for "doing this to him", but she stepped away emotionaly, turned off her phone and answering machine and went to therapy. He left jail and went into a detox program. He even says that he knew if she came and bailed him out, his plan was to go buy more drugs. Detoxing in jail was no picnic for him, by the 12th day, he knew he needed and wanted rehab. Hang in there, stay stronge.

[Durango]

Son got out of rehab, "saying" all the right things, but instead of taking advice from the counselors, etc....he went back with his girlfriend and back to work. It took about two weeks for both of them to start the slippery downhill slope.

I have to admit I've enabled him by giving him money for gas and then cashing their paychecks for them. But I'm done....as of today. He's called me at least 5 times telling me they've been evicted, both are out of a job and they're broke. I told him now would be a good time to face his jail time. I'm offering nothing...not even answering his calls now.

It will be hard if he shows up here. I pray he doesn't.

[Durango]

Almost 2 years later....it's almost too tiring to continue the story, but for anyone wondering what happened:

A son faced the court, went to jail for 30 days, out Oct 23, 2006 (his birthday), released to me and given 2 years probation. Court ordered AA meetings, daily testing, weekend community work. No license, no job, no $$....I was it for 5 mo. until he finally got back to work (elec. cable splicer, good money). His brother and sister provided transportation to work, he paid me $75 wk. (whoopie), had his boys here every other weekend.

Red flags started popping up once he had money in his pocket working in areas where drugs were available, started with "migraines", going to a doctor for Tramadol and other "substitute" drug (keep in mind this is all hindsight now), borrowing money from brother and girlfriend, no money for xmas gifts for his boys, and finally decides, after one year of VERY expensive probation, that he's going to finish 60 days in jail instead of another year of probation.

Two days before court date, he starts what I recognize as detoxing...calls 911 himself at 2:30 am, they didn't admit him, he stayed up all the next night throwing up....finally got himself admitted the next day and when I went in his backpack to get phone numbers, I found needle, spoon, white substance, used spoon and lighter.

I confronted him, threw it all in the garbage, took him to court, he went to jail and I let him know he wouldn't be coming back here to live but he could find a halfway house to "start over" again. He gets out next week and it's been painful thinking that he could end up on the street because I don't think he's got what it takes (or wants to be clean bad enough) to do it on his own.

Enter his father....my ex.....a long time functioning alcoholic. Says he's not going to let him go to halfway house, son can live with him, stepmother, brother and sister and they will control his money, take him to meetings, not let him out of their site......let me tell you, they don't have a clue as to what is going on. They even said they will take him to meetings in their town so he won't be around "riff-raff" in my town where "he probably got the drugs". They don't even realize that he and I both went to meetings in their town!

You know, I 've offered to give them a run down on what to watch for with him living there, but I can't give them a lesson on how it all works. They have to want to understand it and do their homework like I did. I don't want to have to say I told you so in 6 mo. or a year, but I can see where it's going. The only thing I can hope for is that maybe going through this twice will make him want it more this time (sobriety). If nothing else, living with his step mother should do it!skillet

What a waste the past 18 mo. has been. Keep us in your prayers. I love him so much, but I've learned to detach. Still, I was enabling during the time he was here. Thanks for being here. I introduced this forum to a woman he was dating and ended up using and hurting.