new member!

[thebman]

Hey all, I first want to say this site has absolutely the best information ever. I've been reading as a 'guest' here on the forums for some time (about a week) and decided to register up and share what im going through...

The last thread I read, (and loved) about 4 times over, is this one :

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-76296-2.html

I am too dating a recovering alcoholic, though I did see the right on posting in that person's thread and taking the meaning off that person's original post. So I thought it was appropriate to start my own thread, please tell me if I'm at wrong doing, as you can delete this post.

First off, I'd like to say its 12:51AM here in the Northeast, I have a fever of 102 and I can't get to sleep, so much is on my mind, and I keep getting hot flashes ruining my sleep...so hopefully I will be getting to bed soon after this post.

My name is Brian Kinney, I'm 18 years old (yes I'm a male) and I'm dating a 19 year old Recovering alcoholic...she's gotten out of rehab a little over a month ago, and we've been dating prior to her entrance into that program. I don’t know where to start really, I knew a girl who drank, found out she had a problem and went in for it...and now is attending AA meetings every day (sometimes every other day). I’m not saying this is a problem, she actually invites me to a lot of the open meetings, I've been to about 9 so far and they're excellent. I've been learning a lot (did most of my research about alcoholism when she went to rehab for 4 weeks, only saw her one day a week on the weekends) and tried to understand what I'm building myself up for.

People might say "your young, what the hell are you doing” She’ll be 20 in June, I'll be turning 19 in June, and I know...this might sound very silly to some but this really seems to feel like its something worth fighting for...and so far (yes I know its only been a month) its been a roller coast thus. (Sorry if my lingo gets confusing im pretty dizzy). Anyhow, this is really going to sound silly because I know a TON of people here have been dating AA members (male OR female) for YEARS. This is coming from a new guy that's only been dating one for a month...and his world has been changed!

First thing I immediately found out. Is independency is a key. She doesn’t have a car, so I usually drive the 8 miles to her house almost every day to take her out to where she needs to go...be with her, be with her family, it’s something I've grown to love. Being 18 years old I'm murdered with gas prices (even with my crap box 1991 cavalier!) though she has helped me out on some accounts with paying for gas...(she doesn’t have a car due to her parents made her give up her license). Though we've definitely hit our rivets. Another thing I'm learning to adjust (and don’t yell at me for this term!) is she's extremely selfish! Every time I talk to her its like the world revolves around her...for Christ sake I had a fever today of 102, she didn’t ask me how I was doing until she explained to me how well her meeting went (talking about these guys she met, one drove her, they had a 'blast' were laughing the entire time, etc). Though I kept talking to her about me, and she gets extremely quiet...and seizes to talk. (When the conversation is about me). She constantly insists "Oh, I am always here to talk to you about your problems too, you know I'll be here to talk too" but every time I talk about my stuff...she always butts in with her own problems....I know, I can relate to the whole "she's relating to you" thing...but for once, can I talk without her involving herself? I for once just want to talk about myself and what’s going on in MY life, and for her just to say "its ok" or something...don’t call me a sap here, but common, guy or girl...either one wants to hear that once in a while.

I've talked to her about a break up, and how a 'break' might allow us to step back (much like a post in the above link) and think about just us and what we're doing...but she says every time "no, a break up would make me a wreck, I've fallen for you, honestly". I mean, don’t get me wrong here folks, but I've pretty much fallen for her too...I've always been there for her, and I can truly say I really am into her as well.

We've had our arguments, we've already had our bumps...and it’s like I constantly ask this question "will it be worth it in the end...will this be worth having something come out of this?" I've had previous relationships (about 10) where the girl figure isn't really as "into" me as she is. Which probably explains why I feel so inclined to pursue this relationship, it makes me believe...that it will be able to work out...and I believe with hard work...it can. EXTREMELY hard work. She seems extremely special too me, and I do honestly believe when she says "I love you" I truly feel loved and return the comment every time.

I know one person will reply with "this is only teenage love" or "you’re getting your hopes up WAY TOO HIGH!"...I ask, what if?

I just ask, is there anyway I can talk to her, do something that makes me feel like I'm not having a relationship with only myself? It feels like a one way street...and If I didnt have such strong feelings for her, I probably would question why I'm doing this, but since I do have such strong feelings I feel its up to me to be the backbone...But it's rough...its a bumpy ass road.

I haven’t been able to talk really to anyone about this, so I googled "having a relationship with a recovering alcoholic", and this site has been all I have been reading for weeks. Sorry for the rant.

Thank you all who are reading this, and god bless

[best]

I know one person will reply with "this is only teenage love" or "you’re getting your hopes up WAY TOO HIGH!"...I ask, what if?

With that I would ask...what if "they" are right?

You need ask yourself this...What if...
...She doesn't change?
...She starts drinking and the drinking becomes very heavy?
...She cares more about the drinking them she will about you?
...the hard work you know that is ahead will be required for your whole life...Yes every day for 80 years. Are you willing to accept the what ifs?

It is very commendable of you to want to do all that you can and help her find growth BUT as you have read and will find over time on your own..
We can't change others, they are the only one who can change themself.
We are powerless when it comes to the need or desire of changing others as only "they" can change themself.
No matter how strong I think I am or how hard I try, I can't pick up 1000 lbs.
Trying to change others would be like trying to pick up 10,000 lbs in one hand.
Just can't be done.

[thebman]

Best, thank you for that response...and with what I am right now I'll try to reply.

What I am about to state is my honest to god truth.

You need ask yourself this...What if...
...She doesn't change?
...She starts drinking and the drinking becomes very heavy?
...She cares more about the drinking them she will about you?
...the hard work you know that is ahead will be required for your whole life...Yes every day for 80 years. Are you willing to accept the what ifs?

If she doesnt change, Then I believe I will be there to manage.

If she starts to drink and becomes heavy, I will try my hardest to try to get her help again, as she's got a disease that I'm willing to deal with.

What would one do in this situation? Would I leave? Or stay as it's her disease? She'll always want the urge to drink.

Yes, I believe this hard work will be able to continue. I believe once I get these basic "what ifs" straightened out That I will be able to answer myself in the future. Ex. "What if I had a girlfriend that WASNT an alcoholic", what if I had a mate that was involved and caring for me as I was for them (as she needs to think about her recovery) Answer 1: It would be like any other relationship, and the more I fight, the more I deal and cope, and manage with it...I believe the stronger the relationship will be. (as she DOES know how much I do put into it, it "Doesnt go unnoticed", she DOES thank me all the time for what I do) Answer 2: it would be an excellent relationship, I wouldnt lie...but the fact of the matter is she DOES want a relationship with me, and I believe her 100% when she says "I love you". Everytime I hear that, makes our relationship kick ass.

[best]

The world is filled with people who think they can change another. It can't be done. I can change my actions to a degree and even then I need reach out because I can't change my own heart...Only God can change a heart.

Just so you know with full understanding what "could" be ahead and you are ready, willing, and able to accept that, I say ok that is your choice and I hope the best for you.

Yes things can work out and flow into a wonderful relationship but they can go south as well.

Prayers and hopes that all goes well for the both of you.

[cinderellawkids]

Can you live with always being second to alcohol? Your young, you have plenty of time, can you detach emotionally and try being friends until she's been sober longer. Can you cahnce her drinking or using if she pregnant with your children? Take your time and think about it.

[just asking]

Hi,

I'm sort of in a similar situation- I've been dating my bf for a year, he's been sober for about 6 months, and he just started the 12-step program a month ago. And let's just say this past month has been HARD!

My boyfriend seems very selfish too, though he's a great listener and is willing to offer advice, he would not put someone else's happiness first. In the end it's all about him, no matter how much I talk about myself or ask for something.

I just registered for this site this week, and I've learned a few important things that will hopefully help you.

1. Don't make her recovery your priority. Let her deal with it. Because if you do everything to get her clean, that means the second you get tired of it and want to back down, she'll come crashing down because you were the one that got her through. This was kind of happening with my boyfriend. For a while I was trying to motivate him to change and clean up his life (after he gave up drinking), then I started focusing on myself for a bit, and it was like he finally had to be on his own. I did feel bad at first, but now I know that that's how it has to be. Don't think that you're only special if you go through huge hurdles to save her life.

2. All you should do is listen, and stop telling them what you want or hope for in their recovery. As hard as it is, don't offer advice on what she should do unless she's really begging for it.

3. Realize that even if she gives up alcohol etc, she can still have addictive tendencies and replace it with something else. For example, my boyfriend has been an intense workaholic ever since he gave up drinking. He knows it, but still won't change it. I stopped nagging because I realized I was wasting my time.

4. She probably already knows she's hurting herself, but is doing it anyways. My boyfriend is a really smart person, he thinks things through. And I realized that when I nagged him about things, he already knew that those things should change, but he didn't feel like changing. Now that I don't nag, he's making the changes I asked for before.

5. I don't think you'll ever know if it's worth staying in the relationship. As much as you care about her, you need to wonder- am I okay with not being a priority, getting less attention, and missing out on certain things you would get from another person? I know for sure that there are guys that could give me things that my boyfriend couldn't. I don't know if I'm foolish in staying and being patient. I do know that if his problems were hurting me, then I would have to leave.

I hope that helped. I'm still learning a lot myself because all this has been so recent (this past month).. Good Luck =)

[dollydo]

Welcome,

Addiction is the ultimate act of selfishness. Whether they are active or not, they are self-absorbed and selfish. It goes with the territory.

No one can say what is right or wrong for another person. My only advise, keep your eyes and ears open, take it slow.

Hope you are feeling better...

Dolly

[mooselips]

Brian,
I don't have anything to add that others haven't said before me, I just want to say welcome to Sober Recovery.


Hugs to you,