Sad

[luvroses]

I am new here, but have been reading the boards for a couple weeks.

My boyfriend, now ex, is an alcoholic. We had, what I thought, was a pretty good relationship. All of a sudden, out of the blue, a week ago he breaks up with me, no warning, no signs anything was ever wrong; telling me that although he loves and cares for me very deeply, he is not in love with me and never has been....says that for the past year, he has just been doing and saying all the things he was to make me happy and because he thought that is what I needed. I am really having a lot of trouble with this...I am hurting bad. I love this guy very much and thought he was my best friend. Three days before, we were making plans on moving in together (his idea). Now, he tells me he has had these troubling feelings for a long time and just didn't say anything (but continued to make future plans.) If what he says is true, it means he was a real good actor with everything we went through and that he used me and violated me. I am having trouble believing what he is saying because of previous actions and things that were said in the past. He's been in a lot of pain since this break up and has been drinking nonstop. He tells me that his hurt is mostly caused because of him being angry with himself for what he did and because he knows the pain it has caused me.

We never had one fight and got along well. Family, friends, etc., were all shocked to learn we are now broke up.....no one has ever heard him even mention once he was unhappy, in fact, just the opposite.

I am a member of Alanon and have been using different tools of my program, but this is just so shocking to me and hurts me so much. I don't get why someone would do something like this. I keep telling him I don't get it and don't understand and he's getting irritated with me because he says he's explained it over and over that he has every component there that he's always wanted in someone, that I am the type of person he's always dreamed of being with, I'm extremely special to him, and he loves me very, very much but this one component of being "in love" isn't there and he can't put his finger on it. Oh, but after being with me for this past year and pulling the rug out from underneath me like this (that is what it feels like), he still wants to be friends and still wants me in his life often. What the heck is going on?

[unsure of]

luvsroses-

i know how you feel. My Addict said that he loved me and wanted to get to have a future kids the whole deal and then broke up with me a week later. it sucked, but he really didn't love me because he didn't love himself. and if he didn't love himself how could i have expected him to love me.

this is the post that helped me the most i hope it helps you

Polly Anna

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts

[mallory11]

god... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME... is how i think... but there is nothing wrong with me... OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER WHO IS STANDING BESIDE A LOVED ONE, A FRIEND, A FAMILY MEMEBER through the rough times of an addiction.
I read a few of the writings on the board.. god how it helped me look clearly through this time of need.
My boyfriend.. though we have only been together for a short period of time.. this is a person who i would truly do anything for. I love him... He is addicted to cocaine. I knew he had a problem... but I didn't know it was sooo toublesome. I sniffed it with him 3 weeks ago.. the first time in 2 years... and he has been going hard for the last 3 weeks.. everyday weekend or 3 day of the week. I feel so useless. I called him at DETOX which i know was silly of me. but i just need the reasurance that he is doing ok.. i just want to know if our relationship is going to be the same when he gets out.. **** how i miss him soo much. He is my comfort blanket my best friend.
We faught soooo much before he took this high step inlife to get help.. was it the drugs? I asked myself... or was it just me... oh how i miss him.
When you are not the addict and they are in treatment.. you feel like you are also.. im sorry but thats how i feel. I feel like i should not touch a drink, i should not smoke... I SMOKE WEED.. yes it is a drug---i try to tell myself.. well its better than sniffing a line.. which yes true it is.. **** i feel so alone. I know that there are other gurlfriends/boyfriends... sitting waiting for there love to get out... but am i waiting for nothing.. is he going to remember how much i cared for him.. HOW MUCH I STILL and always will.. that i was someone to always stand beside him... through good and bad.. im at work.. I CAN'T WORK all i can think about is him.. i feel liek im going crazy.. he came back and said goodbye but i cried i cried all night and myself to sleep... i just want to talk to him hold him and be with him through this time.. i will wait i will always be here for him...
im not goign to lie.. i had a couple drinks last night.. it iddn't do anything.. i cried and cried and cried.. i was feeling sooo sorry for myself.. when i think about him i just cry...
i have to be strong and get through my own issues and worry about myself.. but i only think about him.. is he doign ok.. is he prgressing? What is going on there... how i wish i could have someone to talk to .... you know reconcile how im feeling... i wish someone in the same position.... woudl talk to me.. none of my friends who are dating guys ever enev talk about cocaine.. never mind having the one you love do it all the time.. please if anyone is goign through the same thing.. please talk to me.. feel free to email me.... because together we can get through this...