How do you forgive?

[susie24]

My three old daughter and I moved in w/ my fiance (not her real father, but the only one she's ever had) and life was great. Then, I got pregnant, life is even better! Then, he starts acting strange. And suddenly our savings is gone. And life gets terrible. Our living situation was crazy, b/c he blew our downpayment for our house and then we had nowhere to live. So, we moved around a little. He was never home, and I was homebound and pregnant. My daughter was miserable b/c he was really mean to her. And with no license or money and pregnant I had no where to go. I eventually figured it out, it was oxycontin that was ruining my life. I had it very bad. Sometimes not having enough money to put food on the table, and no help with our newborn. All my dreams and future plans were ruined. And it's all his fault. I'm sick of people telling me that it's his illnesses fault. Nobody told him to start snorting drugs, and eventually even shooting herion. It's his fault that he got he began doing it to begin with. He's out of rehab, and we want to work it out between us (I moved out several months ago). I really love him, but he put me, and my daughter, through hell. How do I forgive that? I finally was able to get a car, a good job, and get my life back on track. But I have a hard time with the fact that I've paid so much for HIS mistakes. When does the anger go away?

[ree]

Hi,
I am in a codependent hell of a relationship for 25 years. I don't know who I am madder at Him for not trying as much as I thought he should( Co depdence thinking or at myself for caring more about him than I did myself. He is out or work 8years living in what I consider my apt. as mean to me as a junk yard dog!
I all these years told myself It's not him it is the pills. What iit really was was I had this idea of what he could be( my fantasy) when in reality he is what he is!
Lately I have not been very supportive & then I am riddled with guilt( co dep behavior).
I don't know how old you are but I am 56 & if there i no foundation from the beginning

[unsure of]

well i think you made a good point. I used to cry and be frustrated and mad at my RA when he was actively using. because he is a wonderful man and was a great partner and we were perfectly matched. Everything our families, goals, everything and then his Addiction took my place. I was so mad he took my love and thru it away, it took and thur our future away.

But you know what i went to a meeting and saw a women in her late 30's early 40's and i could see in her face all the anger and bitterness she felt for her husband and i didn't want to be her she was so worn and sad. right there i stopped being so anger and started getting a better handle on me.

I still love my RA (recovery addict) and when he is better for himself i will be ready for him. I just think where you will be and all the wasted energy from being anger and mad at your husband. it is a waste of energy. take that energy and make it positive and place on you and your children.

Addictions sucks and i hate it but i love my RA.


POlly Anna

[best]

Yesterday can't be changed.
Holding on to anger takes today away from us.
If you truly love him and want it to work, you need do your part...let it go.
Can't change what has happened but you can help what could be , become better.
Anger and resentment fix nothing. It eats away at us, not them.

What have you done for yourself today?

A good place to start would be letting go of yesterday and trying to make the most of this day.

Even if you never get back together and fix things...you do need let go of yesterday and live for what we have...today.
Make today the best you can for you and the babies.
If he joins in and is in recovery..so much better.
Just as you have done, you need to continue doing... Take care of you and the babies.... let go of yesterday. You can't change it.

[utopia]

forgiveness. letting go of this hatred that inflames me, that hurts me. whyi it so hard. i find that sometimes the anger comes and goes. i find that anger is a necessary part of the healing process. i find that it eases sometimes this deep feeling of injustice, the sense that im justified. the truth that i pray and ask my higher power to take away the grief and hate every day i feel for the man that took away my childhood innocence through rape and beatings but the fact that he was already lost to the madness of alcoholism and that he was my family, my father. im still accepting that and ive also found that its possible to feel joy and peace despite still having the pain of that experience if not in my soul, as a scar in my souls memory.

in trying to move on one day at a time i try to live, to have the courage to love and try to practice recovery not to spite the past or anyone in it but because i refuse to let this hurt destroy me, though it may marr me on my journey. just for today higher power, show me how to forgive.

[mary85]

I have had some pretty ugly things happen to me similar to those I just read and it took a long time to realize that even though someone treated me the way he did and ripped my childhood out from under me, I do have some amazing strength inside of me. I turned into a very permiscuous teenager and drank from the time I was 13. Ifelt absolutely no self worth. You figure if someone you love (be it your fiance or a close family member) can do such horrific things and make you feel that you are worth no more than a piece of meat then you must be worthless. without consciously thinking in those terms you create that as your self image. I know it was God's work in me that I picked myself up somehow, went back to school and now can be independant. I'm on this sight so I obviously still have issues, but through this fellowship, AA and my faith I have come to realize that even the bad things in life happen for a reason and there is something to learn from each instance. I have found the feelings that I have endured through my difficulties and lack of a real security, I have learned what my children need more than anything else; love unconditionally, protection and a feeling of true belonging. I have taken the need to nurture and gone into nursing. I feel that I have a true sense of compassion and understand when someone has been completely abandoned physically or emotionally in your case. If you do love him and he has STOPPED the using, AND HE IS KIND AND LOVING TO YOUR CHILDREN, it is your decision to take what you have lived and learned to iether move forward with him or take the strength you have found in getting your life in order and move forward with your beautiful children. remember you are their only advocate.....

[susie24]

Thank you for the kind messages. I feel like if Utopia can get past her anger, there's no reason I can't, as my experiences have not been that traumatic. Actually, my experiences have been mild compared to many on this site. I was trying to put it in the past, and I really wanted us to work out. But in order for me to trust him, he had to earn it. And he failed on Friday by refusing to take a drug test. He said he couldn't then b/c he wouldn't pass, but that he would the next week. Well, that's not good enough for me, and I had to kick him out. I can't believe I didn't get my kids away from him earlier when he used all the time, and was starting to get violent and there were drug dealers calling my house and threatening me. I refuse to put myself back into that life, and refuse to expose my kids to it again. It took me too long to get up the courage to leave the first time, I didn't allow it this time, I kicked him out right away. I'm even more angry right now. We had a great relationship, and he ruined it. We started all over again, and we were both happy, and again, he ruined it. I know that I can't hold onto this anger forever, but I guess that it's too early to let go and forgive right now. I hope that it doesn't take me too long to get to that point.

[best]

Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another.
Letting go of the anger helps us. Holding to our boundaries helps us.
When my life is at peace, those around me get the benifit. When my emotions are at war, those around me know it *LOL*
When we take car of ourself, others benifit from it. My children see a kinder dad that is better for them to see then an angry husband towards their mom.

Let go for you. Hold boundaries for you. Keep your life in order for you.
If others want to join in your recovery, they can. If others want to do as they please... your life will remain at peace as you stay your path and hold your boundaries.
Do it for you.

[utopia]

forgiveness is not a pardon and it is not saying that the action (or lack of it) was ok. its letting it go, the pain, the rage and the grief to set them free, and moreso to set yourself free from their actions. ive found reading as much as i can helps. i found writing down all the things i feel i hate and then work from there. a lot of my non-recovery issues result from running away from pain. when i embrace my pain, really feel and acknowledge it i endure it because i have a higher power that can love me through it. i cant always see through but i can see past it and know somehow that ill get through it. one day at a time i work myself up with the willingness. but in the 12 steps our amends reach us in step 8. sometimes for me i foudn i need to start preparing earlier. its a process that takes time.

[RBC1074]

I know exactly where you are comming from.My husband went from a Alcholic to getting hooked on Oxy's Fentanol(sp) patches to Vicodens. I have 3 children and Iam a full time stay at home mom who is currently looking for a job. I have the same questions as you but no one can seem to answer them. I do not trust my husband at all and that really bothers me. I just dont understand how a person can tell you how much they love you but still LIE to you everyday you just dont do that to the people you say you LOVE. My husband is currently in a DETOX center for the 2 time in less then 6 weeks. Iam not sure if things are gonna work but for now I dont have a choice but to stay. The cosuellors where he is at kep saying that they want to meet with me but they still havent called to set it up. Iam left in the dark and if I feel if I do leave him then if something bad happens to him that it will be my fault I guess in a way Iam trying to save him from himself. I agree with you when they say its there ADDICTION which I know is a illness but he does need to take responsiblilties for his own actions. Iam very confused and scared of what will happen next.

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by RBC1074

The cosuellors where he is at kep saying that they want to meet with me but they still havent called to set it up. Iam left in the dark and if I feel if I do leave him then if something bad happens to him that it will be my fault I guess in a way Iam trying to save him from himself.

Hi RBC. Welcome to SR. Those feelings you have are all the more reason to make that call. Please accept the help those counselors are offering you. Addiction affects so many more than just the addict.

Come on over to the Friends and Family board if you like. There are many there who understand what you are going through and have wisdom to share gained from their own experiences.

L

[RBC1074]

I made the call and called the counsellors and I have to call tommorrow at 8am.I have posted alot today on the firends and family board. I have een reading all sorts of different and new things to learn here that I have been here most of today lol.

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

Hi RBC. Welcome to SR. Those feelings you have are all the more reason to make that call. Please accept the help those counselors are offering you. Addiction affects so many more than just the addict.

Come on over to the Friends and Family board if you like. There are many there who understand what you are going through and have wisdom to share gained from their own experiences.

L