I need advice b4 I go crazy

[sandyh1977]

In love with a oxycontin addict for years - never knew he was an addict. Now he has come clean with the truth and is 60 days sober - but how do I deal with this new human? He's more selfish than he was before. EVERYTHING is about his sobriety and I have to "accept" everything.
At least as an addict, I could predict his highs and lows. This is new terrain and his new holier than me attitude is driving me crazy. Now that he's sober, he isn't to blame for anything. Everything is "in my head". He goes to NA EVERY single day, sometimes twice a day - and if I want to spend time with him, I'm being selfish and needy and I "need to get help". I have to beg for time, intimacy...he thinks his Higher Power now gives him the authority to preach over me, and Lord over me. When first sober, he was like a needy wounded puppy and now he's selfish and arrogant.
Does it ever get to be about me? Do I ever get to be the center of attention? He gets chips, claps and hugs and a room full of cheers every time he makes it 30 more days. I sacrifice every day of my life because of his addiction, his recovery and his debt. Will he ever see me? Be grateful? Make me a priority? I've been with him for years - where are my cheers, my chips, my hugs. I've tried Alanon and I just don't get it, but I keep going in hopes I will.
I don't know how this thing works, but can anyone help me?

[best]

Originally Posted by sandyh1977

When first sober, he was like a needy wounded puppy ....

and he fit just where you wanted him to fit. He filled your need to want to care for him at that point.

All that you have said about him may be 100% true. I have no doubts about any of it.
His issues. You can't change them, only he can.
Look inside yourself and see if there is anything in you that could use being changed. Don't use him as your guide of where you are at. Look for what is right aside of his actions.
Boundaries and self growth should be your point of action. keep seeing what you can gain from meetings and keep working on "Your" recovery. Let him deal with his and his attitude.

[dane5679]

Hi- it has been awhile since my last post... but if you look-most of my posts are pretty much the same as you have described. I understand completely what your talking about- my Abf is now 120 days or so clean... he was also a oxy/ H user. Checkout what everyone had to tell me- it helped alot. I agree that you def. need (as i did) to find your OWN recovery. I know the holy act feels like complete bull****- my ABF is living over an hour away and he would throw a fit if i went out once a month to have a drink with a girlfriend/ and i do mean ONE drink- it was as though he wanted to keep me boxed up away from anyone (I told him I felt like his barbie doll in her box- on a shelf for when he decided he wanted to "play with me" and then when he was done, back into the box i'd go waiting on the next time.) We have talked about things (and it has taken ALOT of time and patience- among the other crap) but we now are seeing that alot of our relationship problems are based on personality problems. His addiction was based on his emotional/ personality issues- HE IS SELFISH among other things. Now with the help of his sponsor he is doing a self-inventory to reconize and admit these problems.... and I am also finding mine with my program. If you ever want to talk look me up. Dane

[Slowbriety]

Will he ever see me? Be grateful? Make me a priority? I've been with him for years - where are my cheers, my chips, my hugs.

~WOW~

sorry to say, but for me, my sobriety comes first over any and everything. when i was first sobering up i was going to 3 meeting aday, i didnt know what else to do. but now, having a strong relationship with a GOd of my understanding i have way more time for other things and just to live life, but, no matter what i am doing my sobriety comes first. if i lose that, then what good am i to anyone in any type of relationship? if he is really trying to change and work the program you will be amazed of how much he will change, but it takes time.

[BigSis]

Hi Sandy...Welcome to Sober Recovery (SR).

There are many of us in your situation... especially down in the "anon" forum like Friends and Family and Naraon.

As ugly and horrid as is active addiction, I think living with sobriety is almost MORE difficult! Now, if someone would have told that to you 6 months ago, would you have believed them? I wouldn't.

What has helped ME more than anything was to work MY program of recovery. Because, in some ways, what Best says is right on target. We anons, for many reasons, tend to get into relationship with men who "need" us. We are strong, capable people and they often "let" us run the show. So the relationship has a sort of balance to it. When the partner suddenly gets better and needs us less - that sobriety can truly upset the balance in a relationship.

Because addiction, if left untreated, is generally fatal, addicts and alcoholics just don't have the option of NOT jumping into sobriety with the same ferver they had in their active addiction. But with time, the addicts I know have found a place somewhere in the middle... between obsession and addiction. They regain a better balance in all areas. But at first, especially, some folks just need to focus entirely on how to live sober... often at the expense of relationships.

So. Where does that leave me... and you? Well, if you can find an Alanon meeting (or six!), we can work on our OWN program. We can pull our focus back from what THEY are doing and put it on what WE are doing.

Through Alanon, I am learning to think about what am *I* feeling? I am working the 12 steps and learning about things in MY life that may have contributed to some of my behaviors. I have developed new friendships in Alanon and attend conferences and retreats and really focus on ME.

Mr. Big and I are also struggling... Mr. Big is NOT working a 12 step recovery program, so there is much we just cannot share. But with MY program, I have learned about balance in MY life, too. I have learned about things I thought were unique to US are actually sort of common in marriages where one or both partners are addict/alcoholic... even when one or both (as in our case) are sober. I have learned that, out of fear based on some "survival tools" I brought out of my own childhood, I tend to have some control issues. I am a perfectionist. I tend to be a workaholic. I obsess and have compulsive behaviors.

This awareness has helped my relationship with Mr. Big more than any of the counseling we have done over the years. And I as continue to work the steps with my sponsor and my Alanon group, I know from what they have shared, that my relationship with Mr. Big IS likely to get better. Imagine that.

So, if you can find some Alanon meetings in your area (or Naranon, but they are more difficult to find), you might consider going - not for your husband, but for yourself.

I wish you well, and again, invite you down to the Friends and Family or Naranon forums, too... Please post again - I do care how things are going for you.

[susie24]

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one. Since I got my fiance to admit his oxy/heroin addiction it's been all about making him better. Now that he's out of rehab, it's STILL all about him. I know that he has to focus on getting help, and do what he can. And I think that it's actually good that your guy goes to so many meetings. But a little attention given to us, the woman who love and stick by them, is well deserved. He's not the only one who needs help, their addiction affected us too. I think that you need to talk to him. He may become less selfish as he gets used to being clean, but do things for yourself. Don't let him make your world revolve around him just b/c his does. I let my fiance do that, and I was miserable. I wasn't good for me, or our relationship. Make him give you back some of the love and support you've been giving him. If he can't do that, it'll never last. You can't give all of yourself and get nothing back for your whole life. Good luck.

[QTpye]

Help! My Abf is any Oxy abuser too. First it was herion for about three yrs. then the past two he kicked herione & switched to herion. I feel liek would give anything to see him clean even if it meant alot less attention on me. I love hm with all my heart and he's killing himself. He'll "try" to stop about every month & a half but he "slips up" I would allow him to go to four meeting a day if it meant he would be healthy and sober. I realize mine is only 28 & been using less than yours( for about 6 yrs. total) but this stopping & starting & lying & deception is killingme and draining me physically, emotionally & mentally. I would give anything for it to be over. WHat made your guy recover?