what do you mean i can't change him?

[lalalandluvr]

i am new to this site today. i am truely having a melt down because i again think that i can change my addict into a loving, caring , guy of my dreams. and i just want to stomp, scream, cry and cry and cry!!! everything that i know that i should not do. i sometimes attend al anon in my community and i also attend na and cma for myself. yes full of problems. not too bad just how im feeling today. anyone have some suggestions on how to over come that urge to fix everyones problem? my man will be sober for weeks on end then bam he drinks himself very close to death. everything is so good when it is good but when he touches the alcohol..... our world and family falls apart. help. thanx

[velvet]

If you could change them, there would be no need for SR. I can't give much advice on not being the enabler....I'm learning myself. My addict is my daughter. But know that this site is great with support. The people here are wonderful. They have helped me so much. When I came here, I was ready to give up on myself. I could have just crawled in a hole and died. But, I am getting stronger each day, and learning how to cope and let go. This site is better for me, than the meetings. But the meetings help too. Others will come by with great advice. Done-With-It, Hopefloats, I'msooconfused, Ann, to name a few....I can't name them all, I'd be here all night. But stick around..........it's worth it. Best of Luck.

[unsure of]

Welcome to SR. the Addict in my life is friend/boyfriend who is 4 1/2 months into recovery and his doc was cocacine/herion. detachment was a life saver for us both.

The only advice i can give you is try to change yourself first. because once you make a recognized change in yourself, perhap this change will influence others in your life. find something simple that you can change about yourself, perhaps drink less coffee or get up earlier and excerise. little changes can lead to big changes.

peace, hugs and support

Polly Anna

[TreLayniesMa]

Hi LaLa,
I'm new here and not sure if you got my quick reply but I just want to tell you to hang in there. I do believe that God has a plan for all of us and if he wants you to let him go he will tell you. My husband of 1 1/2 years was on heroin for the first 5 or 6 years we were together. We have been together now for 11 years and have two wonderful children and a life no one ever believed we could have. Everyone told me he was a loser and to give up. God and my heart wouldn't let me. If it is meant to be it will be. Everyday is a struggle for the both of us, as we have been "dabbling" sometime now with methadone pills. Today makes a week clean for the both of us. I really wish you luck and just believe in your heart. I know it is a struggle. Believe me I know! And LaLa no you can't change him...but he can change himself. Hang in there!

[freya]

This might sound simplistic and trite but it's the truth and I can't think of any other way to say it: the only way to get over the urge to try to fix/change someone else is to take your attention off of that person and what he/she is doing and put it back where it belongs -- on yourself and what you could be doing instead that might actually help you regardless of what that other person does or doesn't do and regardless of what happens or doesn't happen to him/her. I know that that's a lot easier said than done -- but it's not going to get any easier by waiting to start practicing doing it, so you might as well start now.

good luck -- freya