My neurotic mother

[VioletAntigone]

I feel disgusted talking to my Mom. She is emotionally abusive to everyone around her, and has belittled/ridiculed me my entire life. I moved away from where I grew up eight years ago and have made a little tiny bit of progress in the self-esteem area.

My mother now lives closer to me, and I know that she wants to have a good relationship with me. After years of arguing and me being rude about making my point she has eased up just a little on her verbal assaults (at least she cares enough to try).

However, it seems like she is incapable of not belittling me and disguising it as fond reminiscences. I am pretty sure that she isn't really aware that she's doing it, and she is NOT open to someone politely saying something to the extent of "I wish you would try to point out some things I've done that don't somehow point to me being incompetent or otherwise retarded."

My mother is neurotic, abusive and overly critical, and refuses to take responsibility for any of it. This is just the tip of the iceberg of my mother's issues...I know that this isn't really about her, it's about how I choose to react....but it's also infuriating to me that it seems like she has also brought my step-dad down with her ridiculing, criticizing ways. He is now a late-stage alcoholic, and although he is certainly responsible for his actions, she just has a way of beating the self-esteem or determination out of everyone around her.

How do I deal with this without hurting her feelings? I know that what is basically my rejection/disgust for her is very hurtful to her, but I also can't be around someone putting me down with every word....and, I don't know how I can be around her while she continues her destructive, asinine patterns with the people around her.

Urghh. I guess I don't get to control my mom. I suppose I will have to think on whether I will bring this up to her and risk a big fight and hurting her feelings, or to just spend as little time as possible with her and just shut up about it. Hrmphh.

[best]

Or spend no time with her if that boundary helps you.

As it stands, she is hurting her own feelings right now. If you trying to educate her, hurts her feelings, it will be a hurt that helps. She is doing a self hurt that continues to hurt.

If you share with her...don't expect any changes. If they happen...Great. If not, yoo can move on and she can remain where she is. her choice.