Relationships, Trust, Sex, the Whole Deal

[AllThatGlitters]

I feel like I will never be able to have a healthy relationship-- ever. I feel angry and resentful a lot because of this. I always assume that men just want to use me & so I cut them out of my life & come off as very cold towards them. Though I'm very pretty, my attitude is a major turn-off for most guys, unless they're masochists (I get a few of those). Right now I'm abstaining from sex & relationships because I don't trust anyone enough to have a relationship with ... I'm also not very interested in sex or in a relationship with anybody. I don't even notice cute guys anymore. What do you think is happening to me? It's like my sexuality is disappearing moment by moment. I'm not attracted to women at all, either, so it's not like I'm going the other way. Anyway, I'm very depressed about all this & am hoping it's only temporary.

All other parts of my life are going ten times better than they were last year; twenty times better than the year before that. But this one area is just a major issue for me. I don't know what to do about it.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[best]

Some are gifted with the ability to remain single.
The social status of the world tells women they must be married and start having babies by such and such an age.

Let the world think what they want and just enjoy the gift that is before you.

[AllThatGlitters]

Thank you, best. I guess I never looked at it as a good thing before. It could be seen as that, and I'm happy you responded to point out that angle.

I guess I'm just bummed because I feel like I'm missing out. But I know anything's better than the dysfunctional relationships I had in the past-- even being alone. So, that's why I don't even try. But I feel like I should at least try. And I worry that I'm being too hard on guys & not giving any of them a fair chance. There's been a few that MIGHT have really been interested in me for me ... maybe.

[best]

I was separated for over two years. Once we had gotten back together, I came to realize the freedom I lost. Not that it isn't worth the trade off. To give of myself to another takes the time I had to do other things when separated. I am not one who is gifted to be single, so for me it is good that we have gotten back together.

As I stated above... women are not looked at from a world point of view in the same light as men. The world isn't always right.
Do what you feel is the best for who you are. Single is ok. Married and being a stay at home mom is good as well. Then there are the many things inbetween.

[utopia]

(((althatglitters)))
i could relate tp your post. i was abused as child by my father and ever since had a deep mistrust of people but especially men. in recovery im slowly getting better.

i believe my higher power made it so that my first year of recovery had no other men in the meetings and then slowly let them trickle in and eventually allow me to hug them platonically. i always thought men were "out to get me", god too and that they wanted to swindle me, use me for sex, corrupt me, take advantage of me, sometimes i was drawn to the wrong sorta guy and i was used but i used it to prove to myself in some way that yes i was a victim, innocent and not responsible for anything in my life.

somehow in recovery i have learnt that re-gaining my trust in my self is paramount, in my instincts, beliefs and convictions. trusting in a Power greater than myself too. only then could trusting of others even begin. only when i started to share in meetings (uninterrupted!) i began to develop trust.

without trust i become paranoid, doubtful, elusive, aloof, secretive, isolated, alienated and finally lost, dissassociative and anti-social before what i saw as my future, dying bitter alone and in pain. for me the first step is trust.

[AllThatGlitters]

Utopia,

Thank you SO MUCH for your post. It is so comforting to hear from someone who understands where I'm coming from, and who has actually had the bravery to recover from it (as opposed to many girls I know, who are still stuck with I am; even worse, they are promiscuous and bring a lot of pain upon themselves).

I think my distrust of men is so strong that it is literally overwhelming any contact I have with them. I really am coming from a dark place, rather than one of independence. It's hard to recognize that sometimes, as I'd prefer to think of myself as invincible.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and strength. I think that, or I hope that, with time I can recover from this perspective of men. I really hope so, at least. But I do realize that it will take a lot of time.

[utopia]

you have hope and thats enough for me to begin. thats the force that drives me to meetings and to open my literature every day. i used to dream i was invincible too.a statue that didnt need anyone and could get through anything. yet my life has shown me im capable of surviving and living though a hell of a lot! yet it was only with a higher power guiding me and loving me and of course the wonder of the fellowship that boost me with faith in today, in me and someday in others and this world.

[lillian]

hi-how long have you been alone? i am sort of separated from my husband- he is newly sober and told me he wanted a divorce, and then that he was sorry and most recently he said he feels ambivalent about the marriage- so i wonder too, have feelings of what does it matter, i'll be alone, don't trust relationships (he cheated on me in a really bad bad scenario which was the catalyst for him wanting a divorce, though he didn't say so at the time) anyway, seeing all this written down, it seems so done, finished- what is it i'm waiting for, him to nail a note to the door? but being officially alone is hard too- i don't want to accept a relationship where i'm not valued, and know i have to value life, etc. but i get impatient too- think i'll never trust or find companionship. but i think i am impatient- i feel bad now, but that's okay- i try to remember i won't feel so bad always, and believe me, i feel a lot better than i did when all this came down the pike a year ago! hang in there! making friends can help ease the will i be alone forever burden...

[utopia]

its harder sometimes then other times and i find its really that companionship that i get lonesome for, thats why im grateful to at least have UNDERSTANDING in meetings and from my sponsor. im mostly starved for what i didnt have in my family, intimacy without fear.

[AllThatGlitters]

Utopia and Lillian, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me.

Lillian, I'm really really sorry you have to go through this. I've never been married ... I don't have any good advice to offer. But every day that I am single, I meet more guys. So, it's not like you will never meet anybody again. The real issue is to be able to trust them again ... I'm sending strength to you, hoping that you either find someone you can trust, or find happiness in being single. Whichever comes your way.

[GratefulGirl]

i have always been too trusting, i think..i always try to see the best in people and take what they say as the truth - but lately, its not that way at all. i have developed a terrible distrust of my boyfriend (he is a recovering addict). i am constantly suspicious of him, always wanting to snoop around, and just have this overwhelming feeling that now that he is getting better and off drugs that he will cheat on me. its ruining our relationship. all of a sudden he has a password on his cell phone - he has never done that before - he wants to join a gym to get into better shape, he is always in a good mood, never wants sex anymore, all the typical signs. he works with a girl that is 6 years younger than him..she is kindof the office tramp..and of course she knows NOTHING about his past. also, i am 7 months pregnant, which doesnt help the way i feel about myself physically right now and as i understand sometimes hormones can cause pregnant women to feel crazy about everything..she is always inviting him out "with the office" to go to bars - he doesnt go but im sure it feels good to be invited out. even if he wasnt an addict/alcoholic, its not really an appropriate place for a 7 months pregnant woman to be anyway - but i was recently informed that i wasnt invited in the 1st place so i shouldnt even worry. apparently she and the other woman he works with are both "scared of me" since i dont want us to go to bars. i have been horribly codependent in this relationship due to his addiction and things that have happened. has anyone else felt this - as soon as it starts to get better, i start looking for reasons for it to be bad...maybe he is cheating on me and im just overwhelmed. any advice would be great. im kinda feeling crazy.

[Cindi R]

Also on this same boat...
Have had problems trusting men, most of the men in my life have been untrustworthy...starting with my daddy who is a practicing drunk...
Guess for the most part my "man picker" is broken...and I seem to continue to choose the sort of guy that can't be trusted.
It's been a year since my last relationship ended...even though I think I'd like to have one...I'm scared of once again making a bad choice.
So what's a girl to do?
My stance on this issue this past year is that it wil happen on God's time...not Cindi's.
Quite possibly, I'm still not ready.
I was married for 25 years...I'd rather have no relationship than a bad one again...

[pmaslan]

I'm with you on that Cindi.............

[dollydo]

If I had to do it over, I'd skip men...I have married two dive bombers and lived with 1 addict....Phew, what a mess....

I no longer trust men and think most are abstractly stupid...so, I pass....I'm too old for this crap...

Just me,

Dolly

[AllThatGlitters]

KFarrar,

I hope your man isn't cheating on you. I read somewhere that men often THINK of cheating ... but I hope he isn't ACTUALLY cheating. It could be that he is reacting to your suspicions of him. Unless, of course, his suspicious behavior came first. I just really feel for you, as you are pregnant, and it's a b*tch to have to deal with this right now. I would talk to him about it. Try to keep your tone of voice casual ... but keep asking questions until you get answers. Don't give up. I'm not saying he is cheating on you ... but, you deserve to know why he has changed his lifestyle. Don't get angry, don't act upset, just tell him you are concerned and you want answers, just keep asking and tell him you want to know the truth. Then, don't get mad when he tells it to you, no matter what it is. Just thank him for letting you know. Maybe someone else will come along for advice for what to do after that ... I'd say that giving him one more chance, provided he doesn't do it again, is a good idea. I've never been cheated on, though. Does anyone else have any good advice about this??

I'm wishing the best for you.

Cindi,

Me, too. I'd rather have no relationship than have a bad one. Which is precisely what I'm doing ... and to be honest, I still cry less now than I did when I was miserable with a guy before.

But mostly, my misery about men comes with being used and with being left. That's why I'm afraid of taking risks. I'm trying to figure out how I'm reading guys wrong. I get smarter every year.

Best of luck. I hope you keep making choices that are good for you.

Hey Dolly,

Thanks for sharing. My mom says I'm too young to be bitter about men, but I don't think age has anything to do with it. And I object to the term "bitter." I'm just "disillusioned," thank you very much.

Wishing well to all replied.