Need advice, like NOW!! Anyone there?

[Dead Poet]

Hey, I need some really quick advice, a guy asked me out, but, the first time we hung out with a group of friends he was quick to mention how he got in a fight with this other girl because she wants more than he does and he doesn't want her like that, very suspicious of it because he works with her and when he was talking about it he was like "she thinks im in love with her or something like that" and i said do you give her the wrong impressions and he said yeah sometimes......(anxiety about what to think because he asked me on a date) and when he were chatting after that night he was quick to mention again, "i'm not interested in her anymore".....anymore?? I don't know if he's lying or how others said maybe he wants to make it clear for you that theres nothing between them....i dont know what i should thnk because theres a part i want to hear and then a gut feeling but i dont even know what it is, i know i am afraid so any REAL insight would help thanks

[bikewench]

Hey DP...

Well..
me being me... I'd put on my armor and wade right in.. ;o)

Sort out the details after.

I'm trying to do things differently now though...

My credo these days is...
when in doubt.... ASK.!

Pick his brain around this chick..
if you still get the weird feelings...

.... run.. ;o)

[Dead Poet]

thanks, good advice, i really think hes lying, shading areas of it because he wants to go out with me, but honestly he didnt have to mention her and their dilemas, or he could have said it differently...it just wasnt nice, it was arrogant.

Yet he's still pushing for me. Meanwhile there is def. something between them. And that makes me angry, because I can't change him, i accept that, but what should i say to him? People usually get angry when you tell them "hey i accept you the way you are and therefore your not right for me" ...ok, not exactly those words but something to the extent of...........? any suggestions. I dont want to say i think your lying to me and hope for him to tell me something i want to hear. I need to say something strong.....................??? You could take me out on one condition,

[skinner]

Originally Posted by Dead Poet

thanks, good advice, i really think hes lying, shading areas of it because he wants to go out with me, but honestly he didnt have to mention her and their dilemas, or he could have said it differently...it just wasnt nice, it was arrogant.

Yet he's still pushing for me. Meanwhile there is def. something between them. And that makes me angry, because I can't change him, i accept that, but what should i say to him? People usually get angry when you tell them "hey i accept you the way you are and therefore your not right for me" ...ok, not exactly those words but something to the extent of...........? any suggestions. I dont want to say i think your lying to me and hope for him to tell me something i want to hear. I need to say something strong.....................??? You could take me out on one condition,

Hmmmmmmmm, well, sounds like you have a LOT of reservations about this guy. So, I'm just curious, WHY do you want to go out with him? Maybe just tell him you aren't interestedin dating at the moment and just really want to get to know him better at just friends.

As far as the "You could take me out on one condition," In my opinion, there really shouldn't be a NEED for any kinds of conditions.

This is a tough one Dead Poet cuz no one can tell you what to do. BUT, listening to your "gut" it usually a pretty good thing to do. Good luck!!

[bikewench]

Yeah DP..
kinda sounds like your trying to force yourself to go out with this guy...
or...
control the situation to your liking... ;o)


Either one is a make-work project for yourself.

How about just being straight with him....??

People usually get angry when you tell them "hey i accept you the way you are and therefore your not right for me"

that's your truth... and not your problem how they take it..


If it was me...
I'd be saying...

"okay...
obviously you want something to happen here...
.. and so do I....
but.. I have a couple of concerns...
One of them is ____ and your relationship with her.

Now.. I know what you TELL me...
but.. my gut and my mind says there's more.
So.. how about filling me in so that I can put my fears to rest and we can get on with getting to know each other."


And don't be afraid to let your gut talk.
Cause..
your prepared to walk away anyway.. so... ;o)

[Dead Poet]

wow, bikewench, thank you. When I read what you wrote (exactly what i need to say in truth) it sounded so good, and it doesnt even scare me that much to say that ( thanks to recovery) but really thank you because you made everything so clear on what i need to do. You just blew me away because that was some of the best advice i've ever recieved, (and i literally recieved it because I actually absorbed it and will most def. use it)

[Dead Poet]

I want to go out with him because I think he's cute, and I like it when we flirt But i'm afraid, to go out with a shady liar character...most of his jokes are always about needing reassurance that i want to go out with him, "you dont want to see me do you"...or "are you sure you want to be seen with me?" but they are jokes because hes NOT insecure..just the other night he was saying how his friend wants more than he does, "she thinks hes in love with her or something " what insecure guy says THAT!

[bikewench]

DP...

but they are jokes because hes NOT insecure..

Just cause a guy is confident in other areas of his life don't mean he's a tiger where women are concerned...

and liking someone..
makes mush outa the knees... ;o)

... and the head.. coming to think about it.

I am thinking you have some chemistry happening.. by liking the flirting...
but.. your guard may be up too high and your looking for every little reason to run..
that's no good either.

gotta orchestrate this.. to give it time to reveal itself..
you might be tossing away a perfectly good guy here now.. ;o)


Just take it slow...
and keep it honest...
cause.. if you don't have honest.. you got nothing anyway in my opinion..



Yeah. the relationship thing..

It's not that we have to avoid...
...it's that we have to learn to protect..

...ourselves...

and be the guardians of our lives .. and our emotions...


And don't worry ....
you got SR behind ya.. lol

[Dead Poet]

Well, you can see through me like gluestick...I think he likes me...he does get awfully shy around me hehe,......and like you said I am so scared, my guard is WAY UPI'm trying what you said, we have a date this Saturday and Im going to be honest with him and ask him because i would want an honest relationship from the start..i can't hold in what i think or it will just bottle up and be used against him....and I'm so glad to have heard i have SR behind me I feel a little more confident now. I know I have to trust myself when it comes to gaurding my emotions, but what i'm scared of is of myself, that i won't be honest with myself if I see something fishy. I don't know how to trust myself. I ALWAYS see both sides of things, make excuses if he does something f*ed up, or...I don't know if i'm explaining this well.
Here's an example:
We were supposed to go to lunch today and talk, because we were always in groups when together so i got the vibe that he wants to get to know each other better in a one on one situation..so i said yes, and 2 minutes before he came to pick me up my friend popped in who was starving and wanted to go to lunch with me, so she came with us. It was kinda weird since that wasnt supposed to happen, but i dont know now whether hes more into her or what because he ended up talking to her more than me. Ok, maybe he thought why did she bring her friend along, maybe he was nervous around me and since he saw a friend he was intimidated but thats not what my mind wants to think....therefore, i dont know if its a strong gaurd or if im looking through stained eyes...are those excuses because im scared or are they honest? I dont expect you to know the answer because everyone is different but i should know, and thats why i dont trust myself...Is it only what I wish it was?

[princess9282001]

I read your original post and it reminded me of a similiar situation i had with a guy. He kept tellin me that it was over with him and the other girl and that he liked me. It turned out that he was seeing the other girl too and tellin her that I was his cousin. I dont know I think you need to stick to your gut feelings on this one and not let your guard down too much. Sounds like you really like this guy, but be careful. He sounds kinda shady to me.

[bikewench]

that i won't be honest with myself if I see something fishy.

There again...
We're here to offer perspective...
Anything that you can't get your head around.. just run it by the wise ole heads here..

I ALWAYS see both sides of things, make excuses if he does something f*ed up, or...I don't know if i'm explaining this well.

I totally get what your saying...
... you have a kind heart.. ;o)

.. and you give people more than one chance...

I know how hurtful that can be...

But.. I wouldnt' change that about you..
the world needs more of that.
We're so defensive now..

But ....
that's not the same as lying to ourselves about what's really going on...
Knowing someone is being human.. and cutting them some slack around that is different than living in a fantasy world while the guy's hurtin ya blind... and telling ourselves it's okay while we're dying inside.


And my take on the girlfriend at lunch...

I think him being shy around you made it hard for him to speak directly to you with another person there.
.. and...
I know that when I'm gone on someone... I would like their friends onboard as well..
cause.. guys know girls talk... and I'm sure he wants her to say good things about him...

That's my take on it though..
I wasn't there.


Opening ourselves vulnerably to another person is a risk.

Expecting someone to live in a vacumn with no contact with people of the other sex or past relationships...
well..
even if a guy like that existed.. don't know if I'd want him.. lol

This guy sounds like a normal kind of guy.

If he's not a druggie or a drunk.. and he's not known as a creep... or a stud..
.. then I say give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves you wrong.



But.. don't take that as advice... ;o)

[Dead Poet]

Thanks

There again...
We're here to offer perspective...
Anything that you can't get your head around.. just run it by the wise ole heads here..im holding zou to that!

and about the guz in the vacuum, i dont think id want that either LOL, that was reallz funne

Let u know how the date goes!

[Dead Poet]

Sorry about the typo's up there...now, is this something to look out for:

Last night a group of us went out to a bar and he came with us but didnt know anyone except for me and the girl that had lunch with us. He was very nice towards me, gentleman like, bought the drink, slipped my coat off and on, so chivalrous Later that night i had to come home early to "help" a friend, i'm in college, so as the sober one volunteered to get her home, wasn't quick enough though if you guys know what i mean..haha...ok so that was another story but back to him, he came back with me, i told him he didnt have to but he wanted to. Ok, so we went back to my room and put her down and afterwards we went out onto the balcony and started to talk a little bit..he asked if i was cold and put his arm around me ( it was really cute ) Right then, my friend came in! Lol, the same one that had lunch with us......what do you know, he started talking to her and flirting with her, like no problem. Soo au natural.....like, it was completely different?!?? Yet, he's shy?? You explain that one?...

You can give it to me, the bad news....or at least the truth

[BigSis]

Originally Posted by Dead Poet

I want to go out with him because I think he's cute, and I like it when we flirt But i'm afraid, to go out with a shady liar character...most of his jokes are always about needing reassurance that i want to go out with him, "you dont want to see me do you"...or "are you sure you want to be seen with me?" but they are jokes because hes NOT insecure..just the other night he was saying how his friend wants more than he does, "she thinks hes in love with her or something " what insecure guy says THAT!

DP... this guys sounds SO much like the guys I used to go out with.. cute, vulnerable, flirtatious, rapscallions.... alcoholic.

Looking back, I can see that my needy parts fit perfectly with theirs - and it was all beneath the surface and was never out in the open where it could be addressed.

I like Bike Wench's idea to get brutally honest.... if your honesty drives him away - then perhaps he is not the right guy.

[Dead Poet]

Helllo! I went on the date, yahoo! With a clear mind, letting it just happen, and it was nice. He was very very polite and really nice, and it was a good first date. I am still not sure about what to think when it comes to his flirting style with my friend, because with me he's shy and i don't think he wants to "say or do the wrong thing" cuz i could tell he was nervous. .however, the best part about all this is that i'm really learning just to let things be, i can't control any of it, kind of like "everything happens for a reason" things and people change, just because what i wanted to happen exactly the way i wanted to happen doesnt, then it wasnt supposed. But all i can do in the situation is be myself because if i try to control him and "make?" him like me then its not even really going to be him really liking me, in the end ill end up a control monster!!!

He went away this weekend and he wants to talk when he comes back about us, because we started to on chat, but its better in person so........ill come back Thanks for all the true advice though like always, sb is always there for me! Love DP

[eire rose]

Hello Dead Poet,

I was reading your post and it sparked something in me, here goes if it makes any sense, I can flirt, talk, hang out with any guy no problem so long as I am not attracted to him phsically (like intense attraction) If I like a guy like that I can't talk to him, look him in the eye or be around him without choking, my shyness is ten fold in that situation, even if I've been in his company more than once, it passes eventually but it takes a while.

I would not worry too much about the flirting with a friend, its you he wants to have a date with,

Good luck and keep us posted!

Love, Rose

[emmanuel2012]

you said you wanted real insight....

follow your heart.


namasté

[Dead Poet]

I'm sorry I've wasted your time about this guy....I'm not even hurt because I'm so mad that a person could be like what I'm about to tell you, but at least I KNOW!

Last night, everything became crystal clear. You guys deserve to know...he came up so we could talk, just the two of us, and we had a really good conversation going. Friday the 13th comes up and I said did you have any weird experiences and he said yeah but I can't tell you because you wont think its funny, meanwhile hes laughing...ok. Later on i ask for the time, he hands me his cell phone to check it and theres a picture of the "other" girl on there, i said is that....yeah, well, that's my girlfriend now, thats the stupid mistake i made on friday the 13th..............

HAHA, i think i can just feel the of whos reading this, but believe me for me that was my STOP sign.My brain switched gears right there. I was like like you lied to me, followed by, well no, i never said I had a g/f, so now what do you think of me? You must be really mad at me, blah blah blah im not sure if i heard the rest I was like you arrogant ******* (in my mind) all my answers were very friendly, i wasnt oging to give the satisfaction that maybe i didnt want him to have a gf. He used the lammmmmmmmmest excuse after that, that i'm leaving in June if he was to start something with me. The last thing i said to him was in answer to "what i thought about him" i said i think you odnt know what you want....
OH and get ready for this, Our date was on the 14th...........DID I mention DATE, 14TH, I'M NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!?!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!! hAHa i'm so mad it just makes me laugh. I maintained a friendly attitude though and was just very very glad to find out. Looks like this thread is closed! Thanks for all the advice and support.