no faith

[utopia]

I have lost faith in love. or maybe inn relationships.

I believe hope is a desire for something to happen.

I believe faith is a belief that something will happen.

While i still desire some men when i see them, i dont hold faith.

i connect having faith with having expectation and having expectation with having Disappointment. when i expect something through faith i cant help but partially design in my mind what it will be like, opening me to be disappointed.

i dont think is such a bad thing, its quite freeing but i have become more SOLEMN. i feel free and in control of my desires which is VERY new to me.

all my life i had wanted a relationship, partner, soulmate. i wanted to shower them with love, sex, passion, support and wonder and share the beauty of this world and life. yet i was always disappointed, let down, they never fulfillfed my dream of prince charming.


i always desperately hoped that whenever i went ANYWHERE i would bump into 'the one', or at least someone to snuggle and talk too. but they never fitted the bill. sometimes they did but my heart was broken and they became consumed by their own addictions. or i was used/abused and misled to believe it was more than it really was.

i would go as far to say i often dont even desire it, i sometimes think, hmm hes cute, or hmm hes got a great persona, but i dont think of pursuing it. i feel gods carrying me. maybe its that ive fully let go.

there is DEFINITELY a link to letting go of my parents or rather, who they werent. and the painful things they did. i feel in GRIEVING over the years of abuse, abandonment and hurt, as well as my love for them despite it all, i freed myself. I felt i used enormous amount of energy to pursue this fantasy of love of relationships. this precious illusion of the fairytale, it had been shattered many times but i think im in serene ACCEPTANCE of my singledom. i never thought this was possible.I AM F**ING amazed at the wonders of recovery, of the steps at this point.

maybe ive just accepted? im not overly worried, im quite sad but also content. maybe my faith died to be reborn. maybe its ok. scarily and yet comfortably more and more its ok.

[grateful2bsober]

Because by T.D. Jakes

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are,
Doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped,
Doesn't stop you from being the best,

Just because no one has come along to share your life with,
Doesn't mean that day isn't coming,

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile,
Doesn't give you permission to stop running,

Just because no one has realized what am awesome woman you are,
Doesn't mean they can affect your femininity,

Just because no one has shown up that can love you at your level,
Doesn't mean you need to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is,
Doesn't mean life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king,
Doesn't mean your not already a Queen.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now,
Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining, keep running, keep hoping, and keep praying, keep being exactly what you are already, COMPLETE!

Send this to our female friends who need to keep on doing what they do best.BEING A WOMAN OF GOD!

I hope this helps!It helps me ALOT,when I feel the way you do-because I have.
Meliss

[utopia]

thanks so much, im a man but that still speaks to me and helped me a lot, thankyou.

[utopia]

ive had a bit of progress in my definitions, i think what i thought was faith was expectation, or faith in only what i wanted and when i wanted it. im starting to see faith more as in giving all my fears to god and accepting what is, loving what is, believing that i am NOT missing out and that i am and will continue to get what i truly need. not everything i want and desire but what i need for true peace and happiness and freedom. faith.

[Wondergirl]

Hi Utopia,

I think we have to go through the disappointments of broken relationships including our parents relationship to realize it's not what it's cracked up to be. Maybe I'm cynical but I use to expect so much in a relationship where the guy should be always loving, considerate, respectful and meet my every need. I would deny that I wanted that all the time but I really did because I didn't know how to meet my own needs. Noone, not one person can totally be there for us. They have their own needs too. So, by being alone for awhile, I learned how to take care of myself. For instance, I learned how to be comfortable in my own home. I use to think I had to go out all the time and be with someone......not! I don't feel lonely being home by myself anymore. It's relaxing and like solitude from the rat race. I enjoy reading, exercising, using the computer, listening to music right at home. Also, I began to read alot of spiritual literature, meditating that I started developing a relationship with my higher power. Having a relationship with a higher power is loving myself.

I don't think you have lost faith but are seeing that your okay on your own. To me, faith means knowing your going to be okay no matter what happens. Of course, I never totally feel like that but definitely more so. Good luck. You helped me to understand myself better! Thanks, Wondergirl.