Anger outbursts

[Wondergirl]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum. Thank you for the list of a healthy relationship, Gabe. It helps me to see what I want in a relationship and what I need to work on. My husband has been in AA for several years now but he has many issues related to addiction like over self sufficiency, workaholic, loves money like his higher power, anger outbursts, etc., etc.. I'm in AA too so of course, I have my own stuff like codependency. Yesterday, my husband was so hungry because he didn't eat all day and wants to leave for dinner. I was almost ready, listening to a message on my answering machine, when he lost his patience and said I'm leaving. He walks out to the car, ready to pull out when I jump in yelling and swearing for neighbors to hear. We continued to argue all the way to the restaurant. As soon as we get near the restaurant, he turns and says, "I'm going home. I'm not hungry anymore!" I have a fit and threaten to get out of the car when he says, "don't get out, if you do I'll let you walk home like I've done before." We end up going back to the restaurant to eat.
This is a typical dynamic between us over the years. It does so much damage to me emotionally. I know I tolerate it and wind up abusing myself but I don't know how to set limits with him. We both go to meetings, sought therapy, take OCD meds and it has improved greatly but when this happens I get very angry (more with myself). I can't work with him to resolve the issue because he won't own up to his own behavior, alot of blaming tactics. I usually feel guilty, then apologize in some way and I have to wait for him to cool down. Do you have any suggestions how to handle this better? Thanks, Wondergirl!

[Gabe]

Hey Wondergirl.
You can't do anything about his anger, but you can certainly do something about how you react to it.
If you stop engaging, I imagine he will get bored with "no one to play with".

[Sophia57]

Hi Wondergirl
I totally agree with Gabe, it's only your reaction you can change. My husband also has anger outbursts over what can be trivial stuff or when he's frustrated and I've learned (the hard way) the only thing to do is not to react or to remove myself till he gets over himself.
Sometimes it's really hard to bite your tongue esp if you feel the blaming is very unjustified, but I really think he gets a buzz out of the outbursts, so no response means no buzz.
Not saying I've cracked it, cos I hate angry scenes and get embarrassed when he explodes at someone else in public, but all I can do is not take the blame on board or at least work on doing that. He has a short fuse and sometimes after a meeting he will apologise for his behaviour.
I have to learn not to play the victim or martyr, or blame him right back, and then maybe we'll get somewhere.
Sophia
x

[Wondergirl]

Hi Gabe & Sophia,
Thank you for your replys. They are very helpful and what I needed to hear. It is the hardest thing not to react to his temper but it does seem to be the only way to avoid being verbally attacked by him. He did carry a grudge until the next day & we ended up fighting again. When things are going smooth, he seems to throw a wrench into our lives. Also, I think he wants reassurance that I care for him but isn't aware of it so it comes out sideways. Thanks again, Wondergirl.