New relationship..questions about relapsing

[staysupportful]

I don't really know where to begin. I'm new here, my name is Kimberly. I am in love with an addict. We had been friends for years and decided to date three months ago. Once we got closer his addiction became known to me. He used oxycontin and occassional heroin for a year and a half. In august he went throug h a rehabilitation program. In the past three months he has had three relapses. Each relapse is really hard on me. I guess you could say I'm a girlfriend with a gut instinct. Every relapse he has had i've detected before he even used. I'd try to let him know that I knew what was going to happe, I caught all of hte warning signs, but he assured me he was fine. This is what this past weekend was like:

His father kicked him out of the family, took him out of the will etc. when he found out about his 2nd relapse. My boyfriend, was upset, cried, had some normal reactions then used cash he had aquired by placing an empty envelope into an ATM to buy oxycontin. He bought one 80mg pill, took some that night. At 10:00 at night we talked and I asked him how he handled what his dad did. I knew he would use, and he assure me he hadn't. I drove an hour to pick him up because he can't afford gas money and we came back to my place. On the drive back he informed me of his use earlier in the day. We talked about it and I think I handled it pretty well. I was sad of course and a bit disapointed but how else could I react.. I love him.

We went to bed where we talked for hours. Later in that night i find out that he in fact has used heroine before, which he told me he had never ,and used to use steroids. I was heartbroken. When we woke up in the morning he just didn't seem right. He was doing everyhting possible to get me to go take a shower. I had the instinct right away that 'he wanted ot be alone so that he could use' but he assured me it wasn't the case. We went on with our day and went shopping. All day I knew he was high, and I tried to let him know i knew without saying so. I pointed out that his eyes were 'pinned' and he was acting in a way he normally wouldn't (unshy..) Well later that night I said "I was listening to you in the bathroom today just so you know" (i wasn't but I wanted to 'trick' him into telling me) and it worked. He admited to getting high off of the little bit he had left. DEVASTATED!

I love him so much and I can't imagine leaving him. We are only three months into our relationship and I'm afraid for the future. He wants nothing more than recovery and I know that. We talk about it and are so open about his addiction. He will OCCASSIONAL go to meetings.. says he will try to go to more. Now it is coming up that there are places in CALIFORNIA where he can get into a really good halfway house. He wants to go but says he wont because he can't leave me. I will admit I am very unstable and he's afraid if he leaves I wont be able to deal without the daily attention (problem of mine) and that I will leave or cheat on him. I'm willing to do everything possible though for us to insure a future. I want him to be clean. I want him to get the help and do what he needs. I know he wants it to.

This is really long but this is the first time i've really gotten everything out.

-Kimberly
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
the courage to change
the things I can and
the wisdom to know
the difference

[Rowan]

He wants nothing more than recovery and I know that.

REALLY?

What makes you say that? It's one thing to say you want recovery, and something else entirely to actually do it.

Kimberly, welcome to SR, you sound like a very sensitive and caring soul. I'll tell you exactly what I felt as I read your post. RUN. It sounds to me like a trade-off: you've got a drug-addicted boyfriend who is so entirely dependent on you, it makes you feel needed and loved. What are you losing? To my eye, everything.

I didn't read one single thing in your post that suggested your boyfriend had any intents of getting clean. He's lied to you and is lying to you now. It's causing you worry, heartache, and money. He's a big boy, and if he wants this gig bad enough, trust me he'll get there, with or without you.

You have recognized that you have some areas in your own life that could be improved upon i.e. self esteem. You deserve more than this, my dear. Why don't you put this energy you've been investing into him, and put it to good use: YOURSELF.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's important to be honest when it comes to such things. Love him from afar, do it for your own sake.

Take good care!
Rowan
(recovering alcoholic and drug addict)

[historyteach]

Kimberly....
Here's a thread I'd like you to read. Please do so...it may change your life.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-39699.html
Can you hear what Jon is saying?
You are not being supportive, Kimberly, you're enabling him.
My son is a heroin addict. I understand what you're dealing with -- probably better than you do right now, unfortunately. You are only 3 months into this relationship; he's "relapsed" three times; he lies to you; and you continue to hope, pray, and do for him what he should be doing for himself. I've been dealing with my only child's addiction for 11 years now. Can you imagine yourself 11 years from now, doing all of this -- still? Cuz, that's where you'll be. NOTHING you do will change him. He has to want to, and doesn't seem to me as if he wants to at all.
He wants a tool....
Wishing you the best...
Shalom!

[Gabe]

Hi Kimberly,
Loving an active addict is a very hard thing to go through.
Our first reaction is to try to help them any way we can.
That's natural.
It's human nature to want to help those we love.
So it's frustrating when we find out that our "helping" really isn't helping them at all.
Dealing with addiction is something he has to do on his own.
It's the only way he will come to terms with it.
You can love him and support any decision he makes, but ultimately...this is a road he walks by himself.
There is no reason that he can't go wherever he needs to go for treatment.
I think it's become obvious to you that his sobriety is first priority right now.
Any excuse he comes up with for not getting help, is just that, an excuse.
It means he's not done yet.
His addiction has left it's mark on both of you.
Many people find Alanon and/or Naranon meetings helpful in dealing with the addiction of a loved one.
In my opinion, love isn't about making excuses.
It's about doing everything it takes to be the best person we can be in a relationship.
Welcome to Sober Recovery, I'm glad you're here.

[Hopefloats]

((Kimberly)) Welcome to SR. I just want you to know that you will find alot of support and strength here on the boards. I have not been on here much lately for personal reasons but your post caught my eye.

Just like the rest of us, you need your time to educate yourself on addiction and learn about your behaviors. We all had to do this. None of us just show up, knowing what to do. We are hurt and confused and we feel very, very afraid. That is all okay.

There is a wonderful book Called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. We refer to that book as a "must have" around here We really do believe that we are helping our addicts, and we want them to be well, SO badly that we even think we may be able to "love" them into recovery. Sadly we cannot. Only they can get better. There is nothing that we can do "for" them.

We don't tell people to stay or leave. Many people stay with their addicts, many moms live with their addicted children, and as we work our program, we learn what we can and cannot do, that is in "our" best interest. You will learn this too. And again, this will take time.

Sometimes it is easy for me to say "do this or don't do that", but I try to remember where I was when I first was faced with this devastating news, that my daughter was an addict. I am so sorry for your pain, and I share in your heartache.

You do not have to walk this journey alone. You will understand the Three C's, which mean, you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

Addiction is a disease, and often times we get as sick as our addicts without ever taking a drug. We have to learn how to take really good care of ourselves, and detach from their addiction with love. We love the person, and we HATE the disease.

Only time will tell what your bf will do. Many find recovery every day. Some do not. We just don't know.

Please get comfy I hope to see you again. Do something really nice for you, and remember ONE DAY AT A TIME. See about face to face meetings in your area if you can. They help alot as well.

In the meantime..you have my prayers..
Hopefloats