explaining to the kids - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Melanchonika · 12-11-2005, 07:06 PM

hello......i am the spouse of a cocaine/alcohol addict.......have been for 17 years.......i am 36 with 4 daughters, 10,8,7 and 4.

my husband recently relapsed last month. he tends to binge for awhile then. smokes cocaine all night (away from the house).....come shome, drinks himself down......then sleeps the next day away.

today.......the kids awoke before me, and couldnt "find Daddy".......the oldest, 10, was most concerned, and ran aroudn the house looking for him, checked outside ot see if the vehicles were still there, and finally discovered him in the basement and was ok then, and went about 'kid' business once again...... (he goes in the basement to "hide" form us while he finishes drinking himself down off the unbearable high).

my question is, have i made a grave mistake in not telling my kids what goes on with daddy? im feeling like my relationship with my kids could suffer for not being honest (on their level, of course) and real aobut the 'family problems'......sometimes i do well with living with an addicted person, sometimes i have a bad day.......like today. they can sense my mood, my anger, hurt.........and sometimes, i am resentful that they have no clue why mommy is so disoriented at times. then again.......i dont want to use my kids as any emotioanl whip and glean their "understanding" for my gain. i want to tell them with a motivation and intention more pure, like just doing it to be honest for their sake, and our relationship. doing it so they could have compassion for mommy is ridiculous, and inappropriate, im thinking.

i guess when they were littler, i could have explained little tidbits here and there-but i wasnt aware at the time, and didnt know any better. now my oldest is 10, and people at Al-anon and my ACOA have told me my kids probably already know something is up, and probalby know more than i give them credit for. water under the bridge.......just for today, what is a good suggestion moving forward?

thank you..........melanchonika

Soul Catcher · 12-11-2005, 07:22 PM

Maybe you should try and catch a few nar anon or al anon meetings and ask around there also. It's a tough situation because you don't want to talk bad about him and kids don't understand "daddy is sick" they think he can quit if he loves them....remember all the things YOU felt dealing with him, now think if you were ten how your mind would register those feelings and emotions. Your job is to protect them. Ten is young but not to young to know about drugs and alcohol. I think I would explain all that first and if "daddy" keeps up this way of life then you'll know if your ten year old is ready to hear it by the way he/she reacts to the first talk.
You may not see it like this but I look at this as "abuse" to the kids. They have a drug addicted father and because of that it is emotionally and mentally scarring the kids. I had to get my A out of the house and fast to protect them and things are WAY better for them. They were being abused by them seeing daddy fall down or pass out and not understanding why daddy was sleeping and slurring and not paying them any attention. They seen daddy yell at mommy and vice versa when there was no other reason then drugs or alcohol being involved. I had to get them away from that or I was to blame just as well for the abuse because I was allowing it to happen. My A wouldn't do it every night but maybe once a month and for us we forget things and let them pass but to a child that one tiny moment could scar them for the REST of their lives. So that's what I protect my children from is that ONE TINY CATASTROPHIC MOMENT. I hope you find a way to reach your children so they are safe. Keep them little as long as you can. Good luck.

Melanchonika · 12-11-2005, 07:31 PM

im considering and feeling led to separation right now as a matter of fact........though this is a different subject, i dont want to sidetrack too much from my original question. he wont leave and i have no education......for the first time in my life i have some self worth back and am actually not as frightened to leave as i used to be.......but why should my kids have to leave their home and security/school,etc.

Soul Catcher · 12-11-2005, 07:38 PM

How well I know the feeling. First thing you need to do is get all your ducks in a row and plan plan plan. Even being married you can get Govt assistance and child support. You may find out that for him to avoid paying so much child support he might agree to let you live there and HE can find a place to stay. I am seperated and have been for four years and that's what we do. It was always supposed to be temporary until after he got help but he has never gotten help. So I still live in the house and he works and pays our bills. He has an apartment and go about my day better then before. I also have a part time, temp job working as a sub at my girls school. It's not much money but it's a foot in the door. Plus...if your on govt assistance they will put you through their school and give you a free education like secretarial or banking or computers, ect.
I know how hard it is to ponder right now but don't look at the big end picture. Just start tomorrow putting your ducks in a row and make a plan. After you start to follow through with alot of it you will feel so empowered and wonder why you didn't leave sooner.
You kids shouldn't have to leave the house. You can get an attorney through the govt (legal aide) and in the papers you can ask and probably get the house and the child suppport will figure in his HALF of the mortgage, if not more. He'll pay or he'll go to jail. I'm sure it's easier to let you stay in the house. They also usually don't hate their kids and don't want them out of the house, they will leave first. Not always must mostly.

ODAT · 12-15-2005, 05:11 PM

You are right--the decision to leave or to stay is another question yet in a way, the two are inter-connected. I left the father of my first kids because of his using and it didn't turn out how I had expected to. So, before you leave--and if you are planning on leaving I would caution you to be careful about just how much and what you share with your children--but before you make that decision I would urge you to become very aware of what and how the courts in your area handle divorce and such when children are involved.

The reason I say this, is because for here, unless the mother can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the father is unfit--then leaving because of the kids isn't a good enough reason and is one that can potentially and quite often does backfire.

See, you leave because of his using. But, if other than at home once in a while, and if he's managing to keep this whole thing fairly secret from the kids and neighbours etc etc--then when you leave the courts decide what is in the best interest of the children--and usually that means that unless there is proven drug use and proven continuous drug use--they will decide that the father will have regular access to the children. So, where as before you were in the home whilst he was doing his thing in the garage or the basement--now you are NOT in the home, the kids are there without you and he is STILL likely doing his thing in the garage or the basement. Sure, he will say that he's stopped etc etc--but how can you be sure?

And to boot, if YOU say that he's using as part of the divorce thing--then its quite likely that his lawyer will say that you are just saying he's using inorder to paint him in a black light so that you will get custody. Some jurisdictions don't pay alot of attention to women who claim their husbands are this or that when they are going through a divorce. And making the accusation will actually paint you in a bad light because it can be argued that you would be trying to 'turn the children against him'.

Anyways--what to say to them?

I wouldn't be worrying so much about them being too young to hear the drug speach. Most of the public schools these days have kids that are there using or even selling in as low as 3rd grade so in truth, the younger that you can prepare the kids to say "no" the better chance you have. My take on the whole thing would be to just tell them that Daddy is "sick" and to slowly start to educate them. Try praying and then praying some more and as you feel compelled to say things--don't hold back so much.

Just be honest and try to speak from a loving position about their father--remembering that they likely love him and respect him somewhat regardless of what he does. Think about how you would want the kids to be told about you, if you were in his position and then proceed with caution from there.

I can not give you much indication on what to say, or on any larger decisions because each person has to follow their own higher power and figure things out that will work for them--but for me, it was better to say that "Daddy was sick" rather than to say anything else. Looking back on the whole leaving and staying thing--for me, in some ways I wish I had stayed because leaving just means that now every other weekend means that my son has to go there and if I stop that from happening it means that I am in contempt of court. Sure, I could try and petition the court to stop these because of his Dad's habit but untill there is concrete proof or whatever then he still goes there.

scorpiowife · 01-02-2006, 07:24 AM

hi m, my prayers are with you!
everyone that posted has some great input. my feelings as far as the kids are concerned are honesty! honesty is always the best policy.i was in a similar situation and believe me kids aren't stupid- that's not to say they need to know all the details but at the very least they should know that daddy is sick because that is the truth.
i feel that part of our sickness as codies is the covering up and i for one refuse to cover up and sugar coat things for my AH anymore.my AH is now sober and we are faced with different problems he wants to live together as parents and says the kids don't need to know that we don't have any kind of relationship between us. i feel he is once again asking me to lie for him and to cover up the truth.
personally i feel evreything we do is teaching our kids a lesson like yourself i have 4 kids, 3 of whom are girls and i certainly don't want to teach them that this is exceptable in relationships and this is what a wife is suppose to do! sometimes i think more importantly i don't want my son to learn that the way daddy behaves is acceptable for a husband and a father either.
soul catcher is dead on when she said that these things (even if small) can effect kids for the rest of their lives. i know they have in mine and in my AH's lives we both come from A homes and i feel we both learned how to live and react as a direct result from our dysfunctional upbringing! it's time to break the cycle!
my prayers are with you good luck!

12-11-2005, 07:06 PM	#1 (permalink)
Melanchonika Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: USA Posts: 58	explaining to the kids hello......i am the spouse of a cocaine/alcohol addict.......have been for 17 years.......i am 36 with 4 daughters, 10,8,7 and 4. my husband recently relapsed last month. he tends to binge for awhile then. smokes cocaine all night (away from the house).....come shome, drinks himself down......then sleeps the next day away. today.......the kids awoke before me, and couldnt "find Daddy".......the oldest, 10, was most concerned, and ran aroudn the house looking for him, checked outside ot see if the vehicles were still there, and finally discovered him in the basement and was ok then, and went about 'kid' business once again...... (he goes in the basement to "hide" form us while he finishes drinking himself down off the unbearable high). my question is, have i made a grave mistake in not telling my kids what goes on with daddy? im feeling like my relationship with my kids could suffer for not being honest (on their level, of course) and real aobut the 'family problems'......sometimes i do well with living with an addicted person, sometimes i have a bad day.......like today. they can sense my mood, my anger, hurt.........and sometimes, i am resentful that they have no clue why mommy is so disoriented at times. then again.......i dont want to use my kids as any emotioanl whip and glean their "understanding" for my gain. i want to tell them with a motivation and intention more pure, like just doing it to be honest for their sake, and our relationship. doing it so they could have compassion for mommy is ridiculous, and inappropriate, im thinking. i guess when they were littler, i could have explained little tidbits here and there-but i wasnt aware at the time, and didnt know any better. now my oldest is 10, and people at Al-anon and my ACOA have told me my kids probably already know something is up, and probalby know more than i give them credit for. water under the bridge.......just for today, what is a good suggestion moving forward? thank you..........melanchonika

12-15-2005, 05:11 PM	#5 (permalink)
ODAT Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: sarnia ontario Posts: 124	You are right--the decision to leave or to stay is another question yet in a way, the two are inter-connected. I left the father of my first kids because of his using and it didn't turn out how I had expected to. So, before you leave--and if you are planning on leaving I would caution you to be careful about just how much and what you share with your children--but before you make that decision I would urge you to become very aware of what and how the courts in your area handle divorce and such when children are involved. The reason I say this, is because for here, unless the mother can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the father is unfit--then leaving because of the kids isn't a good enough reason and is one that can potentially and quite often does backfire. See, you leave because of his using. But, if other than at home once in a while, and if he's managing to keep this whole thing fairly secret from the kids and neighbours etc etc--then when you leave the courts decide what is in the best interest of the children--and usually that means that unless there is proven drug use and proven continuous drug use--they will decide that the father will have regular access to the children. So, where as before you were in the home whilst he was doing his thing in the garage or the basement--now you are NOT in the home, the kids are there without you and he is STILL likely doing his thing in the garage or the basement. Sure, he will say that he's stopped etc etc--but how can you be sure? And to boot, if YOU say that he's using as part of the divorce thing--then its quite likely that his lawyer will say that you are just saying he's using inorder to paint him in a black light so that you will get custody. Some jurisdictions don't pay alot of attention to women who claim their husbands are this or that when they are going through a divorce. And making the accusation will actually paint you in a bad light because it can be argued that you would be trying to 'turn the children against him'. Anyways--what to say to them? I wouldn't be worrying so much about them being too young to hear the drug speach. Most of the public schools these days have kids that are there using or even selling in as low as 3rd grade so in truth, the younger that you can prepare the kids to say "no" the better chance you have. My take on the whole thing would be to just tell them that Daddy is "sick" and to slowly start to educate them. Try praying and then praying some more and as you feel compelled to say things--don't hold back so much. Just be honest and try to speak from a loving position about their father--remembering that they likely love him and respect him somewhat regardless of what he does. Think about how you would want the kids to be told about you, if you were in his position and then proceed with caution from there. I can not give you much indication on what to say, or on any larger decisions because each person has to follow their own higher power and figure things out that will work for them--but for me, it was better to say that "Daddy was sick" rather than to say anything else. Looking back on the whole leaving and staying thing--for me, in some ways I wish I had stayed because leaving just means that now every other weekend means that my son has to go there and if I stop that from happening it means that I am in contempt of court. Sure, I could try and petition the court to stop these because of his Dad's habit but untill there is concrete proof or whatever then he still goes there. __________________ One day at a time.

01-02-2006, 07:24 AM	#6 (permalink)
scorpiowife Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: between a rock and a hard place Posts: 24	hi m, my prayers are with you! everyone that posted has some great input. my feelings as far as the kids are concerned are honesty! honesty is always the best policy.i was in a similar situation and believe me kids aren't stupid- that's not to say they need to know all the details but at the very least they should know that daddy is sick because that is the truth. i feel that part of our sickness as codies is the covering up and i for one refuse to cover up and sugar coat things for my AH anymore.my AH is now sober and we are faced with different problems he wants to live together as parents and says the kids don't need to know that we don't have any kind of relationship between us. i feel he is once again asking me to lie for him and to cover up the truth. personally i feel evreything we do is teaching our kids a lesson like yourself i have 4 kids, 3 of whom are girls and i certainly don't want to teach them that this is exceptable in relationships and this is what a wife is suppose to do! sometimes i think more importantly i don't want my son to learn that the way daddy behaves is acceptable for a husband and a father either. soul catcher is dead on when she said that these things (even if small) can effect kids for the rest of their lives. i know they have in mine and in my AH's lives we both come from A homes and i feel we both learned how to live and react as a direct result from our dysfunctional upbringing! it's time to break the cycle! my prayers are with you good luck! __________________ SCORPIOWIFE

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12-11-2005, 07:22 PM	#2 (permalink)
Soul Catcher Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: la la land Posts: 196	Maybe you should try and catch a few nar anon or al anon meetings and ask around there also. It's a tough situation because you don't want to talk bad about him and kids don't understand "daddy is sick" they think he can quit if he loves them....remember all the things YOU felt dealing with him, now think if you were ten how your mind would register those feelings and emotions. Your job is to protect them. Ten is young but not to young to know about drugs and alcohol. I think I would explain all that first and if "daddy" keeps up this way of life then you'll know if your ten year old is ready to hear it by the way he/she reacts to the first talk. You may not see it like this but I look at this as "abuse" to the kids. They have a drug addicted father and because of that it is emotionally and mentally scarring the kids. I had to get my A out of the house and fast to protect them and things are WAY better for them. They were being abused by them seeing daddy fall down or pass out and not understanding why daddy was sleeping and slurring and not paying them any attention. They seen daddy yell at mommy and vice versa when there was no other reason then drugs or alcohol being involved. I had to get them away from that or I was to blame just as well for the abuse because I was allowing it to happen. My A wouldn't do it every night but maybe once a month and for us we forget things and let them pass but to a child that one tiny moment could scar them for the REST of their lives. So that's what I protect my children from is that ONE TINY CATASTROPHIC MOMENT. I hope you find a way to reach your children so they are safe. Keep them little as long as you can. Good luck.

12-11-2005, 07:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
Melanchonika Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: USA Posts: 58	im considering and feeling led to separation right now as a matter of fact........though this is a different subject, i dont want to sidetrack too much from my original question. he wont leave and i have no education......for the first time in my life i have some self worth back and am actually not as frightened to leave as i used to be.......but why should my kids have to leave their home and security/school,etc.

12-11-2005, 07:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
Soul Catcher Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: la la land Posts: 196	How well I know the feeling. First thing you need to do is get all your ducks in a row and plan plan plan. Even being married you can get Govt assistance and child support. You may find out that for him to avoid paying so much child support he might agree to let you live there and HE can find a place to stay. I am seperated and have been for four years and that's what we do. It was always supposed to be temporary until after he got help but he has never gotten help. So I still live in the house and he works and pays our bills. He has an apartment and go about my day better then before. I also have a part time, temp job working as a sub at my girls school. It's not much money but it's a foot in the door. Plus...if your on govt assistance they will put you through their school and give you a free education like secretarial or banking or computers, ect. I know how hard it is to ponder right now but don't look at the big end picture. Just start tomorrow putting your ducks in a row and make a plan. After you start to follow through with alot of it you will feel so empowered and wonder why you didn't leave sooner. You kids shouldn't have to leave the house. You can get an attorney through the govt (legal aide) and in the papers you can ask and probably get the house and the child suppport will figure in his HALF of the mortgage, if not more. He'll pay or he'll go to jail. I'm sure it's easier to let you stay in the house. They also usually don't hate their kids and don't want them out of the house, they will leave first. Not always must mostly.

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