Why am I so blind??????

[tobeornottobe]

I think I know the answer to this but would love some feedback. I have been in a relationship for a little over 8yrs (posted some concern in an earlier thread)this guy told me that if I do not stop drinking he will not stay around. So, since I "love" him I decided I would give it a try, thinking that he would do the same. Since he started this new job he does not have the opportunity to drink during the week. He drives a semi, anyway we got the chance to talk last night as to what I am doing to stay sober. He has told me that I am an alcoholic and I can't just have one drink. (he may be right) but the kicker is he is still drinking and said he is not an alcoholic. He can stop at one (wrong). He is all to familiar with AA, because years ago (before me) he attended many a meeting. He use to hide empty bottles of booze in his closet, he would lie to me about his drinking. Now he is making me believe that I am this bad person and he is oh so wonderful because he can drink and I can't. He has lied to me in the past soooooo many times and I have caught him. He also has another addiction that he hides from me and he thinks I don't know about it. He has a second email so he can enjoy without being caught. He tells me that he wants to stay together but he will continue what he wants to do and I can't. I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner, or a few beers watching a football game but I can't do that anymore. I guess my question is to anyone who wants to answer. Should I let him go, because he won't change for me. Should I stay and be sober and wonder constantly about his other addiction? I am enjoying being by myself for now (it has only been 3wks) but there will be a time that I want him around. Boy am I stupid or what? I could type for hours about what he has hid from me and how I feel he has planned this for some time, to be the one that can continue to drink.

[journeygal]

Hi Lisa,

I'm married to an addict and for a time he would accuse other people of having addictions to one thing or another, I think to make him feel not so bad about his own addiction. If your b/f has been to AA, chances are he does have a problem but wants to think or convince you he's more in control than he really is.

But to answer your question, we can't expect anyone to change for us. "If you love me you would..." is a trap in my opinion. It's conditional love, so basically the person is saying "I will only love you if you do this for me, otherwise I won't." We have to accept people as they are, and vice versa. Then it becomes a matter of deciding whether or not we can live with who this person is and possibly assume that they may never change. Change generally has to come from within, IMO.

Are you happy with your b/f the way he is today? If he never changes, would you be ok spending the rest of your life with him the way he is today? If not, then you have to make any necessary changes (i.e. learn to live with the person he is or move on) and not expect him to change for you.

Take care,
JG