Being the girlfriend of an addict in recovery

[neci]

Good morning my name is Neci.

My fiance recentally started going throuh rehab for an addiction problem that he has that he recentally let interfear in his life. Its been hard to cope with because when he started allowing it (marijuana) to take over his life I became very depressed and was very close to leaving him. Now that he has finally taken the step to try to get help it has become harder for me to live with him because now he is trying to bring everything that he has learned home and he is trying to preach his learnings to me. He has now decided that not only is he giving up drugs for good he is also going to give up drinking for good. Which I believe is okay because it is his decision. But now he is telling me that I have to as well not ever have another drink if I want to be with him. And I dont have any problems with drinking so to me this is just another way of him controling what I do and who I am. He explained to me that I am what they call a Co-dependant and that I am trying to always make other people happy and live for them... and that he wants me to become stronger and stick up for myself so that we can have a good relationship... But then he is still telling me what I have to do as a companion to live with him. Im so confused... I am willing to give up drinking for him but is that what I should really do or should I just be me and stay strong and make my own decisions and tell him that If I want to go to a wedding and have a glass of champaign that that is my decision and that I should be able to do that without the worry of upsetting him. Is it always this hard living with someone that is going through rehab... any advise on how to smooth out this road. He seems to be very happy with his decisions and Im happy that finally he is sticking to something that is positive for him. But I think he should worry about him and not me...

[Susan Day]

Hi Neci,

My husband is also addicted to alcohol and marijuana. He doesn't think he has a problem with it. He has gotten very controlling though. If I try to tell him he has a problem, he tells me I have a problem, like talking on the telephone, going shopping, my parents, etc. He says what he enjoys is alcohol and marijuana. If his mother tells him he has a problem, he tells her she has a problem with going to church all the time. He always has an answer for everything. I don't know the answers, just wanted to vent and tell you you are not alone.

[Gabe]

Whoa Neci.
I'm seeing control issues all over the place here.
His job is to manage his recovery, not your life.
It would be one thing if he told you that he's not comfortable with you drinking around him.
It's another thing entirely to tell you that you're quitting too.
He may be all enthralled with what he's learning in recovery and eagerly "over sharing" that with you.

[neci]

Originally Posted by Susan Day

Hi Neci,

My husband is also addicted to alcohol and marijuana. He doesn't think he has a problem with it. He has gotten very controlling though. If I try to tell him he has a problem, he tells me I have a problem, like talking on the telephone, going shopping, my parents, etc. He says what he enjoys is alcohol and marijuana. If his mother tells him he has a problem, he tells her she has a problem with going to church all the time. He always has an answer for everything. I don't know the answers, just wanted to vent and tell you you are not alone.

See my issue is a little different since my boyfriend... fiance admits he has a problem and is trying to do something about it... But the controllingness is also my issue. Just because you have a problem doesnt mean that I do... but does it mean since I do love him that I need to stop drinking as well. Should I be givin an altimatum because he has a problem... The thing that bothers me the most is he doesnt have a problem with drinking... just drugs.... so why am I being asked to stop doing something that neither of us have a problem with...

[beauphoria]

Here's a little AA/NA lingo... Tell him to ask his councelors what it means when somebody says "Stop taking my inventory."

(it's really common for an addict/alcoholic to try to impose their program on others...)

[neci]

Thank you.

[lesa]

what does it mean in aaor n/a stop taking

[neci]

Okay, Now things are starting to get a little more difficult. I dont know how to explaine to him anymore that I am my own person and If I choose to go out and have a drink a year from now that it is my choice... I have never had an addiction to drinking...nor am I the one in rehab. He is now bringing me home books to read and telling me that I must be an alchoholic because I dont feel the need to stop. He is causing more issues in the relationship then he is fixing because of his mistakes. If I needed atherly advice I would ask my father. He is to the point where he is more then absorbing what they say in his rehab and questioning every part of who he is... Is this normal... Im trying to support him in every way accept for telling him. Yes hunn. I will NEVER EVER have another drink..." I was ready to leave before because of issues that he had with not being a responcible adult... and I though things were getting better... but now he just wont stop nagging me.. and now he is telling me if I have a drink when I go out... I should just stay out and not come home... I have already told him that I will stay completely sober while he is going through his classes... he keeps saying that he is worried because I have an "Addictive personality" because I am "Addicted" to being a codependant and he is scared that I will start drinking more and more.... because I am more subseptable to replacing my codependancy with drinking... I just am so confused and dont know what to do. Should I just give in and say okay Ill never drink even though thats not what I want... Or should I stand up for myself and keep telling him it is my choice not his?

[elizabeth1979]

Neci,

Its definately not his job to ask you to change your life. He has selective listening at his meetings if he thinks that he is supposed to control you.

In fact, part of being co-dependent is trying to control others. Maybe he should read the books instead of bringing them to you.

I would suggest that you do what you are comfortable with. There are plenty of significant others of alcoholics that drink. Out of respect for his program, I wouldnt do it in front of him though.

By the way, I used to get this same thing from the alcoholic in my life. Its emotional manipulation and not warranted.

Keep posting, and let is know how its going!

Oh- and I would absolutely ask him to stick to his own inventory!

[ODAT]

Go, yourself to Alanon or Nar-anon. That is a program for 'co-dependants' or folks who have been affected by someone elses drug/alcohol use. There you will learn that yes, you are your own person etc etc and you will have a place to vent etc when your fiance gets controlling. You will also learn how to distance yourself a little to some of his rantings and focus only on you.

You are correct, it isn't his job to tell you if your an addict or to control you or tell you where to go in any way. That is your job. His job is to worry about himself and his own recovery.

He is being told that he can't drink and in a way its good that he is telling you he can't drink because at least you know he is hearing something in the meetings. Alcohol is considered a drug within N.A. and the one leads to the other as far as recovery goes. They also both have similar affects on the brain, moods etc and so both are taboo. This is why he can't drink anymore.

It also might be a part in why he has a problem with you drinking. Even though he shouldn't be focusing on you at all--and hopefully eventually it won't bother him if you have the occassional glass of wine etc etc...there are those in A.A. and N.A. that simply can not be in a relationship with someone who drinks or uses because that sets off a whole negative spin which is a hamper to their own recovery.

However, IF they are so close to using etc that they can not bare to allow another person to drink and be around them, then they are NOT following their program too well. For most users, the partners have already seen the futility in never having booze in the house as a way of helping recovery because simply put, if they are going to use then they are going to use and they will find the money or substance very easily if this is what they want to do.

It is very easy when in early recovery to worry more about the partner than ourselves. This is because it is very painful and difficult to look at ourselves and much easier to focus on another person. It is also futile with regards to our own recovery but often we don't see that untill later.

I would definately recommend going to Alanon or Nar-Anon though because THAT is where you would go to inorder to recover your side of the disease. Just because he is an addict doesn't make you one too.

I would also recommend that you try to stay out of these types of conversations. Just try telling him that you have your recovery and he has his and then try and either change the subject or walk into another room or something. It is quite likely that what he is trying to do (and not knowing it) is to pull you into a good arguement so that he can justify his going back out using again...so discussing it with him more than once would simply be catering to his need to blame another person for his using or desire to use.

[neci]

Hey everyone. Just wanted to stop i with a quick update. Things really havent changed much... at least not when it comes to him wanting me to cut out alcohol all together as well. He did graduate his 21 day class with flying colors and he has defenentally changed when it comes to now he is being responcible and being there for not only himself but the rest of the family as well. But for me it is getting harder and harder and I dont know how to confront him without messing up his recovery so I am again sitting in the dark keeping my thoughts to myself... just as I did when he was smoking all the time. You see I am quite a bit younger then he is ans when he was out smokinging and drinking he was acting very young and immature as well. So we seemed to have some of the same things in common like going out and dancing together and things like that. But since he has takin on this... "Im never going to drink" thing (Even though he never was a heavy drinker) He doesnt want to go out and dance anymore either. I have only once had a chance to go celebrate New Years leagally out of the house since Ive been 21. and I want to go out this year and celebrate. Even if we dont drink. But he is making excuses so that we just stay home ... again... another year. I am worried that now since he is acting his age that I wont want to be with him anymore cause since he is 16 years older then me he has had the chance to be there and do that... and I havent and still want to... if Im babling and this makes no sence Im sorry. Im just very confused and worried that his sobriety... since he has taken it to a whole other level then what was needed... will end up making me so bored with life that I wont be able to stick around. Its like getting to know him all over again... and feeling like I have to live old in order to be with him... any advice?

[Sugah]

Honestly? If I were in your shoes, feeling the way you say you feel, I'd be moving on.

I agree with the consensus that if he's coming home, focusing on your behavior rather than his own, it's unhealthy for him. I will also say I left a seven year relationship in order to get clean. I left a business, a home and a family. He didn't think he had a problem and didn't intend to change; I knew I had a problem and had to change or die. I couldn't be in a relationship where I was confronted with it on a regular basis. Yes, eventually, we can be around social drinkers without consequence, if we have a good reason to be, but it takes time to build a program of recovery. Without that foundation, we're setting ourselves up for a fall. If you choose not to stop and he can't hack it, then it sounds like the decision is made.

I have yet to meet anyone in early recovery who could frequent bars safely. There's a saying in AA: hang around the barbershop long enough, you're bound to get your hair cut. If clubbing it is important to you and he's serious about recovery, you're more than likely going to have to find a new mate...or give yourself a chance to see if you enjoy the sober parties we have in AA.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[neci]

Originally Posted by Sugah

Honestly? If I were in your shoes, feeling the way you say you feel, I'd be moving on.

I agree with the consensus that if he's coming home, focusing on your behavior rather than his own, it's unhealthy for him. I will also say I left a seven year relationship in order to get clean. I left a business, a home and a family. He didn't think he had a problem and didn't intend to change; I knew I had a problem and had to change or die. I couldn't be in a relationship where I was confronted with it on a regular basis. Yes, eventually, we can be around social drinkers without consequence, if we have a good reason to be, but it takes time to build a program of recovery. Without that foundation, we're setting ourselves up for a fall. If you choose not to stop and he can't hack it, then it sounds like the decision is made.

I have yet to meet anyone in early recovery who could frequent bars safely. There's a saying in AA: hang around the barbershop long enough, you're bound to get your hair cut. If clubbing it is important to you and he's serious about recovery, you're more than likely going to have to find a new mate...or give yourself a chance to see if you enjoy the sober parties we have in AA.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

The big difference is he has NEVER been an alcoholic...(So he was asking me to be free of something that he had no problem with because of a decision he was making for himself) his drug of choice is Marijuana... not Alcohol... (which the marijuana was only around because of him.. not me)and the other thing was that he was going out around alcohol on a weekly basis... I stopped drinking in the house to help him... and even stayed sober myself for over a month just to show him I did support him... But good news... over the New Years weekend we went out together. We went to a sports bar and he allowed me to have a drink with no fussing. I only had one real drink and thena lil dinki cheering cup of champaign to toast the New Year. He, by his own choice did not choose to drink... But we had a WONDERFUL weekend together. He learned that it is his choice and that no matter what I am doing he can keep his choice his...

I think it was a big milestone in our relationship... because it takes this issue... which was becomming a big one... out of our way... and now we can move on and focus on other things that are wayyyy more important. Thank you all for your help and support.