Accepting the unacceptable or just expecting too much? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

beauphoria · 12-04-2005, 03:11 PM

Greetings fellow sober-folk. My first post here is long, and for that I apologize but it's this issue that has prompted me to, at the very least, write about it and "throw it out" for your understanding and guidance.

I have eight+ years of "good" sobriety. (I have a sponsor, a home group, I sponsor women and work steps with them) I’ve been married for 25 years and have three pre-teen/teen children. I have “the house” – “the car” – “the vacations” etc. and am a stay-at-home mom (despite having a doctorate level professional degree). We live a very nice life in a California coastal town. In general, life is very good. I am blessed.

My husband drinks regularly – usually for business dinners. He’ll occasionally (maybe once every 3 months or so) go out for “poker night” (ostensibly with “the boys” but there are often girlfriends there as well) when he’ll come home drunk enough to vomit and be hungover the next day. This is rare, but it happens occasionally. I figure any normie (if that's what he is) is entitled to blow it like that on occasion.

Also – if he has pot, he’ll smoke (a lot of it) daily. He’s had pot a lot lately.

When he and I met 27 years ago in college, we got high together. That was one of the main things that bound us. Later, we continued to drink and smoke pot together and would occasionally splurge on cocaine.

We both managed to stay in school – I continued in graduate school and he launched a successful career in the hi-tech industry. We own a home and have some investments. Although we’re not “set” yet we’re quite comfortable even with me at home. We "partied" together for the first 17 years of our marriage (again, I got sober 8 years ago when my children were very, very young)

Here’s the dilemma: When I got sober, I SWORE to myself that I’d never impose my sobriety on anyone. I REALLY disliked people who did that to be before I was sober and I did not want to become “that.” I have no issues whatsoever with my husband’s occasional drink – say a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer or two at a BBQ. What freaks me out is when he’s blatantly stoned or drunk in front of the kids. The drunk thing rarely happens (but it has and has embarrassed me terribly), but the pot thing is fairly regular.

I love him. He’s a terrific dad. He does become kind of an ******* when he’s out of pot (a "dry drunkish phenonemon?) and I’m making myself insane trying to figure out what to do. I struggled with all of this early in sobriety and was counseled by an old-timer to try ACCEPTANCE. So I did - for many years. Now, however, I wonder if I’ve been accepting the unacceptable as I am uncomfortable with seeing him stoned - especially if the kids are around him.

It’s not like he’s at bars every night ‘til 2. His job is stressful and I understand the “escape” that pot allows. In a way, I think he deserves his escape. He’s very sweet and gentle (albeit stupid and stupid looking) when stoned and I honestly don’t mind it except that it’s freaking me out that my kids see him that way. I don’t believe they know anything about this pot smoking (they’re pretty young) but I can’t help but feel that it’s really wrong for him to be stoned in front of them.

I’ve asked him to not be stoned around them. I even went as far (recently) as telling him that although I love him, I’m not sure I can stay married to him if he smokes pot. It’s not not aligned with my new sober life.

He said our marriage was way more important to him that pot so he’d stop (for awhile, he said)…. He was back in full swing stoned-every-night mode within a week. I know better than to try to change him, but what if I simply can't accept the lifestyle that we used to share any more?

He declines counseling. He is not interested in 12 step programs. He feels I’m over-reacting…. etc.

My sponsor says go to Al-Anon – find someone with similar experience. I’ve been to several al-anaon meetings and have hated every one. (Sorry, but I just heard a lot of insecure, whining and sniveling…)

If it weren’t for the exposure to our kids, I could very easily accept my life as it is. We are financially comfortable and I don’t have to work. I live in a beautiful area and have great friends, get to travel, love to ride my bike, take yoga classes, etc. I do count my blessings and some times I think “shut up! You have a perfect life, let it go!”…. on the other hand, I wonder if, as a sober person, I’m selling myself short and should simply leave him and be on my own (a lot of fear around going back to work after staying home for 10+ years) and surround myself (more than I do) with sober friends.

Or… I think, accept this lifestyle of his and stay together for the kids and can decide about leaving later. Or, I also wonder if after the kids are gone if maybe just going ahead and drinking/smoking again (which will have been after almost 20 years of sobriety) will be the way to keep the marriage together (if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em).

Superimposed on this is my own selfish nature (and greed) that recognizes that he’s not reaching his fullest potential professionally (and financially) if he’s losing his edge by smoking pot. Terrible, I know, but I’m an alcoholic after all. We do well, but we’ll have several college tuitions eventually and I do have some financial concerns. Admittedly, I’m spoiled and reluctant to return to work.

I have, for many years, done “nothing”… I took the advice of ACCEPTANCE early on but it’s getting harder for me to accept it now. (kids older and more aware and my “road gets narrower”)

What, if anything, should I do? I’ve talked to my sponsor, I’ve prayed, I’ve talked to him lovingly about it… what next? What questions should I be asking myself? Am I insane to consider capsizing the boat and asking for divorce? Or… should I just count my blessings, go along for the ride in this “easy” life and continue acceptance?

Bottom line is, I think, that he’s a good person and (usually) a good dad and I love him.
Thanks for any insights.

trudgin' the road,

Gabe · 12-05-2005, 07:48 AM

Beau, "unacceptable behavior" is personal criteria.
What I might find unacceptable, may be okay in your book.
That being said, you are the only one who can decide what is acceptable or unacceptable about your husband's drinking and pot smoking.
If his lifestyle isn't working for you, it's something you need to discuss with him.
Your needs are important and he's only going to know about them if you tell him.
What he chooses to do about all this is out of your control.
Whether or not you feel able to continue in the relationship is not out of your control.

Susan Day · 12-05-2005, 08:27 AM

Hi,

My husband also drinks and smokes pot daily. I have told him that I this is unacceptable to me, I have tried to be understanding. My 20 year old stepdaughter lives with me, and she buys the pot for him. We have been married 15 years, and the last five years he has been doing this, so it is obvious he will do this whether I like it or not. I am not happy in this situation, with him and my stepdaughter, I love them both, but I feel as if he does not care about me anymore. If I say something, he gets very defensive, and picks on me, that I talk on the phone too much, I shop too much, etc. He really is crazy, and I think he is a very bad influence on my stepdaughter. But I can't get the courage to leave him, and I guess I do still love him. He just got over having bleeding ulcers, and the doctor told him to stop drinking. He stopped for awhile, but went right back. He smokes pot daily, and when he inhales it, he coughs and spits up for five minutes. It is a nightmare. There is noone to talk to about this. If I leave, I would probably worry about him, but I can't get the nerve up anyway.

Gabe · 12-05-2005, 08:38 AM

Hi Susan.
There are lots of people here who understand what you're going through.
Talk all you want.

Alanon and Naranon meetings are full of people who are going through similar things.
They might be good resources for you as well.

Susan Day · 12-05-2005, 08:49 AM

Hi Gabe,

Thanks. It is so nice to talk to someone about all of this. The other night my husband called his mother and sister 2:30 in the morning to tell them it was snowing. They both know that he is out of control, but nobody can do anything. He has been out of work for a year, due to an injury at work, so my only vice is going to work to get away from him. If I went to an Al-Anon meeting, I am afraid he would find out and get mad at me. He used to be such a kind and loving man. I can't believe what has happened.

Gabe · 12-05-2005, 09:55 AM

Susan, if night meetings are a problem, you might want to think about day meetings. Many areas have lunch time meetings to accomodate people who have trouble attending meetings in the evening.

Susan Day · 12-05-2005, 11:20 AM

Thanks Gabe, I will try to find something in my area.

beauphoria · 12-05-2005, 01:49 PM

Thanks Gabe. His behavior would certainly be unacceptable if I were just dating him, but we've been together for 27+ years and *I'm* the one who changed (got sober) not him -- so, in a way I feel it's my cross to bear.

He knows it bothers me. He doesn't even bother coming to bed if he's stoned - he'll sleep on the couch until I go to bed. I'm not sure what else I can say (short of threatening divorce) to impress upon him how much it bothers me. One gift of sobriety is that I'm a lot less likely to attack, scream, yell etc... Perhaps he won't "hear" me unless I do?

He knows and accepts the fact that I won't have sex with him when he's drunk or stoned but that doesn't slow him down.

I know I can't change him but I'm quite saddened that he doesn't seem to *hear* me. It'd be one thing if we didn't have kids - I could more easliy accept it. If we divorce - that'd probably hurt the kids more than his smoking pot.

:::shrug::::

Hang in there Susan - I obviously don't have answers.
I guess it could be a lot worse though...

Thanks for letting me spew,
beauph

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gabe

Beau, "unacceptable behavior" is personal criteria.
What I might find unacceptable, may be okay in your book.
That being said, you are the only one who can decide what is acceptable or unacceptable about your husband's drinking and pot smoking.
If his lifestyle isn't working for you, it's something you need to discuss with him.
Your needs are important and he's only going to know about them if you tell him.
What he chooses to do about all this is out of your control.
Whether or not you feel able to continue in the relationship is not out of your control.

ODAT · 12-11-2005, 01:36 AM

I'm thinking that your reasoning for not going to Alanon sound remarkably like someone on the brink of needing to go to A.A or N.A. but who is just not quite there yet.

I can't count the number of times I've heard addicts say that they can't stand going to A.A. or N.A. because all they hear is a bunch of 'snivelling people' about why they can't use drugs and wish they could.

I would suggest you try it some more. Try going to at least 6 meetings that seem to be recovery oriented rather than 'sickness' oriented. Just like at some meetings of A.A. you go and there are more people there who seem to share long 'drunk-a-logs' there are some meetings in Alanon which have a lot of people share about how terrible things are for them. And sometimes it IS very bad for them and its good that they have a place where they can go. But, some meetings encourage that kind of sharing between themselves and a sponsor and seem to work the program more.

The thing that I have learned with regards to leaving is that for me, even though I
'left the problem' I didn't really leave the problem. It followed me. And leaving 'for the kids' so that he doesn't get stoned around the kids....well, if you follow this logically then you may realize that this is something you have no control over.

Stay or leave you are not going to be able to change how he is with regards to the kids. Leaving just means that you are not there when he has the kids by court-ordered visits so you can't see if he's using or not around them. He will likely still get plenty of access to the kids regardless of whether you are there living with him or not. Most courts figure that it is in the children's best interest to maintain their relationship with the other parent regardless of how much that person uses. And its very likely that if you go into a court battle over his access to the kids and you say "he drinks occassionally, smokes pot" he is going to say "she drank alot, and is emotionally whatever" and then you simply have a mud-slinging battle which benefits no-one, least of all the kids.

From my point of view, unless there is violence as an issue, then leaving is only going to bring about more pain. But see, thats just me and thats because I DID leave and ended up having my son having to visit his father every other weekend and STILL being exposed to it all. I then found out that I was attracted to exactly that which I had left and that untill I learned to detatch and allow the other person in a relationship to be just who they are--that I would still worry and have those same thoughts about leaving etc with whoever the next guy was. It didn't matter if the 'worrying behavior' was drugs, food, work etc etc I was consistently attracted to guys who had a problem and weren't ready to have that problem dealt with. I also found out that part of my problem is is that I have a need to worry and control/help with another persons' problem. Don't know if that makes sense to you or not.

Praying and detatching might be a better alternative. And wait for a clear indication on what your higher power wants you to do. I was often told that when in confusion its best to wait untill that confusion becomes clarity before acting. Also, going to alanon/n.a. meetings might be an excellent thing for you at this point in your recovery because, simply put, you ARE being affected by his use.

If you are worried about the children knowing--its likely that they already know, suspect or will know soon enough. Children are not blind and are likely way more advanced in their knowledge of drugs and drug use than we ever were. Remember, we typically were not exposed to this untill later teens where-as many of our children are being exposed to drugs as early as the 3rd or 4th grade. I would encourage open discussion with kids about drugs rather early in their lives because it IS such a relevent problem for them at such early ages.

**BigSis** · 12-11-2005, 01:59 AM

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