Relationship advice

[a27jane]

I am the wife of an A. My H has been sober for the last 3 months. We have been talking about our future and possibly having children in 2-3 years. At this time, H is going to meetings every night after work and doesn't get home until 9-10pm. I asked him if he would change his meeting schedule when we had kids and he said that "kids or no kids, meetings were first priority." This comment was very hurtful because it makes me wonder if H would be a supportive father and H. Am I being too sensitive? Do meetings really come first before family and children? Does being married to an A mean that H's meeting schedule does not accomodate a family?

[Soul Catcher]

I can say this for myself. I'd rather have meetings come first and have a husband and father for my children then an live with an alcoholic. I think meetings should come first as long as the kids are taken care of. Plus things change once you have children. There becomes lots of pressure. First rule to live by is you can not change him. The way he is, is the way he is.

[Cindi R]

At 3 months of sobriety...he needs to be eating, drinking, & breathing sobriety every waking moment...
In time things will level off...but this is one of the most important things he's ever attempted in his life...
Please give him time to become the sober person he was meant to be before jumping to any conclusions about events which may or may not happen 2 or 3 years in the future.
Take things one day at a time for now...
{Hugs}
He is making progress if he's working that hard at it I'm certain.

[Gabe]

Hi Jane.
There is no doubt that his sobriety comes first.
Without that, nothing else in his life is going to work.
That being said, I think there is a way to balance meeting attendance and family life.
Regularly attending AA meetings does not have to hinder the rest of someone's life, or cause their loved ones to feel like they come in second.
Right now, he's in his first three months of sobriety.
I'm guessing he's doing that "90 in 90" thing...90 meetings in 90 days.
That doesn't last forever.
If having children is 2-3 years away, just sit back and give all this some time.

[laurenlanai]

Gabe said it right, just remember that anything he places before his sobriety he will surely lose. Have you tried alanon? If not check it out, also there is a great book by melody beattie, Codependent No More. Its great!!!!!!!
Good Luck!

[Magichappens]

There is a lot of information about those types of things in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I recomend having a copy of your own. Knowing and understanding AA's approach to recovery has helped me, not only with my husband, but with my own spiritual growth and understanding. Attending Al-Anon has been a big help, too. Hugs, Magic

[a27jane]

All of your messages have been very helpful. I am just so frustrated with this process. I want my H to be sober more than anything, but I feel like nothing else matters. I just want to have some type of balance with his recovery and our marriage. I don't believe that I am hindering his meetings given that he goes to 2-3 meetings EVERY DAY. It would be nice to have dinner with him and not be alone every night. Just today, I asked him to go to an earlier meeting on Saturday so we could see friends and have dinner with them. His immediate response was no and that he wanted to go to that particular meeting. Even though I pointed out that he could go to a Saturday morning meeting, he said that I wasn't being supportive and at the end, he said that I could either go alone or not go at all because he wanted to go to that meeting. It is times like that, where I feel that I am wasting my time in this marriage. I just feel like I am constantly forgiving all the things that happened while he relapsed, and trying to be supportive during his recovery, but there is no reciprocity. There is no compromise! Does it ever get better???

[saintintx]

It does get better..He just needs to start feeling comfortable with where he is. My AB did the same thing.. He was in rehab for 5 weeks. When he got home he went to meetings every day, sometimes twice a day.. Even missing basketball games on TV to go to a meeting.... Heck, before he got sober we couldn't even go out to eat if a game was on!.....

He's now been sober for 11 months... he's in a routine.. feel comfortable with his group. I'm sure you're H will too, just be patient.. I know it is hard... but it is worth it, believe me!

If his group has an open meeting, maybe you can go with him. It'll help you understand what the meeting are about and why he feels the need to go....

Hang in there...

[a27jane]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have asked him to go to his open meetings but he doesn't want me to be there. He said that I will hinder his recovery.

It is just so hard because we used to be able to talk about things that bothered us. Now, if I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rolls his eyes and doesn't want to hear it. I am trying real hard to contain my feelings, but it is really hard. I miss the man that I used to be able to talk to and the man that would acknowledge my feelings. Sometimes, it just doesn't seem like it is worth it.