New Here...Dating Someone in Recovery

[Skittles78]

Hello everyone! I am new here. I recently met a wonderful man who is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict. We have been out on a few dates. He is a realy great guy. We have the best conversations and I feel already like I have known him forever . Our chemistry is amazing. He hasn't been out of rehab for very long (less than 2 months). I have never dated someone in this situation before. If any of you could offer me any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I want to know what my role should be at this stage in his recovery. We are taking things very slow at the moment, but we have already expressed very strong feelings towards each other. I want to be supportive of his recovery and not impose upon it in any way.

Thanks!

[whiston]

Skittles
Two months in recovery is not very long. You should be prepared for a roller coaster ride. My advice is to keep your distance for a very long time, protect yourself. You are going to be roped in to all his problems and turbulence. Even though he is not using anymore, these people still tend to have other problems that they hid by using and these will come out. You should start going to Al-anon meetings sooner rather than later so that you can arm yourself with essential information to help you deal with his mood swings, his possibly relapses, his self-absorption.

Because of my past experience with an exabf who stopped using, but still had all kinds of problems to deal with as a result of years of excess, my strong advice would be to run and find someone else. But that wouldn't be fair of me, because you are clearly very fond of this person and so need time to find out for yourself, whether he is worth it or not. So the best thing you can do to protect yourself would be to keep a comfortable distance, don't get too involved emotionally and go to al-anon for support.

[Skittles78]

Thanks Whiston. Very good, fair and honest advice. I am trying to educate myself as much as possible so that I can be prepared for what may come.

[journeygal]

Welcome Skittles.

The good news is he was open and honest about his recovery. But as Whiston notes, two months is not very long and it can take quite a while for someone to become successful at living a life in recovery.

I would suggest taking things verrrrryyyyy slooooowwwwww and see how it goes. If it's meant to be, things will work out.

Take care,
JG

[RAVEN1]

just take it slow and pray everything will work out i was going thru the same thing

[dalila]

I am in a somewhat similar position, have just begun to date someone who is recovery from drug addiction. He has been in recovery for almost four years. I think he is a pretty together, present guy and I am impressed with his openness and outlook on life. He has not been dating much all these years and is now venturing into that world.

I am finding that I am at a loss as to what to expect from him. I have never dated anyone in recovery before. Our rhythms seem kind of off, although I am pretty certain that he is interested in me, I don't hear from him as often as I would like to, etc. This seems to me to be that usual guy thing, you show interest and they move a bit away, but a girlfirend of mine in recovery thought it might be something different, something to do with taking slow steps in recovery.

I can sure use some advice. I don't know this man well but I like him and I'd like to give him a chance. I am a bit tired of men that get scared and run though. So I'm feeling torn. I'd like ot give him the benefit of the doubt. What's going through his mind??

Thanks!! D

[splendra]

It is recommended that people in recovery not make any major changes during the first year. He may be trying to stick with that.

Maybe just give it lots of time... if it goes too fast he could end up using again and you would be in a very unhappy situation before you know it.

[WorkInProgress7]

Skittles,

Please allow me to offer a bit of my experience here. I began a relationship with a girl 3 months ago who supposedly quit drinking and checker herself out of AA because she didn't like it and felt it wasn't for her. She is a binge drinker and didn't know that for the first month we were together. She was everything I wanted in a parnter and said that I was the same. Things moved incredibly fast and she told me she loved me after about a month. Then the roller coaster started. The emotional ups and downs. The crying, the mood swings, the "I love you" one day and the next day "I need some space". It was an emotional roller coaster for me. They suck you in and bring you down with them. The breakup (from a binge which she lied about) happened about 2 weeks ago and now I'm dealing with self esteem and self confidence issues that I never knew I had. I had no knowledge of alcoholism before this relationship so I had the blinders on and I jumped in head first. Ignored the red flags, thought things would be ok, tried to be her best friend (which she told me I was). We spoke one time a week ago and she told me that she had butterflies in her stomach when around me and that she will always remember me as "The One" that she let go of. Said she couldn't be herself around me and was scared that if I knew who she was that I wouldn't love her anymore. Said that she was a "facade" and that I deserve so much better than her. Woman can be so manipulative sometimes and instead of accepting this as her problem I turned it all on myself. This website has done wonders for me personally and emotionally and educated me.

Every situation is different but I suggest you read plenty in this site to educate yourself.

Good luck and God bless.

[utopia]

hi,

i think educating the self is the best hing you could do. your situationis not mine but in my experience i usually associate a red flag with feeling like I "know" someone I've only just met. There's usually a link there for me to my immediate family, usually the ones with addiction problems---I try to see if theres any link there. Sometimes I have tried to SUBCONSCIOUSLY recreate relationships with my family that didnt work with other addicts or similar people so I could finally give and receive unconditional love. I dont want to condemn that a relationship with an addict is doomed, I dont like it when people in recovery speak of alcoholics and addicts in a negative light. For me recovery is a focus on "god", the self and the selfs dealings with others. not on others, and not on others recovery. if theres issues with a relationship in recovery as in any relationship I AM RESPONSIBLE for 50% of whatever happens...my half and my stuff. im not arrogant enough to say that I dont have issues similar to an alcoholic or addict because I grew up in a dysfunctional and alcoholic home. i dont think i should have a role in anyone ones recovery, im in no way responsible for anothers progress, IF i do its through the will of the universe, not by own doing.

i wish you the best of luck and truly hope that your relationship grows in strength, trust, intimacy, communication and passion. in my experience premature and overwhelming feelings arent healthy for me. theres nowhere to rush to so slow is good for me. i cant rush to aplace where i feel as if ive "secured the deal" which is a committed relationship. Faith, patience and trust are essential in relationships for me.

good luck, god bless.

[utopia]

thought i might add, of the people ive seen to have succesful relationships in recovery they have done mostly this.

focused on their own recovery.

[jjs39]

To Skittles,

I am in a year-long relationship with a man who just completed his second year of recovery. I can relate to what you're saying. I have done a LOT of research in the last few months because we've been on an emotional roller coaster ride. He's so sweet and smooth and romantic - I was sucked in, particularly because of some low self-esteem. And when he deflected back on me...I thought I was crazy. Recently, I asked for a break so I can step back and look at this thing more objectively. In my opinion, he is hiding behind his recovery; he won't change his life for me; he "lives" in fear that without his program he'll die; he is "married" to his program and therefore, can't be married to me. I cannot tell you what to do (although I'd like to tell you to not date him for a year). You may have great success with this person. Just know this disease is selfish, self-centered, manipulative and sneaky. He on the other hand is probably the most wonderful person. I am very grateful to have had the year with my man. I just don't know if I'll have another one with him. Try Al-Anon, find a person in a like situation, go to counseling yourself, LIVE YOUR LIFE, be honest and upfront with him right now especially if there are red flags, be your authentic self, speak up early, and most importantly, trust your gut.

[Skittles78]

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for all of the helpful replies. There have definitely been a few red flags in the past couple of weeks. I think that I needed a wake-up call as to the severity of what being an addict and the process of recovery really entails. I have realized that it is best to take thing very slowly because he is and needs to be "married" to his recovery program. His behavior over the last week or so has been very erratic. He'll call everyday for like 3 or 4 days straight and then I won't hear from him for a couple days. I've been cool about it because I am a patient person anyway. But I have begun to feel like I really don't know what or who I'm dealing with. Its so weird because everything was so intense with us in the beginning and now I don't know what to think.. ..I have considered going to Al-Anon. I've also been doing alot of research. He is a wonderful person and I think the best thing for me to do is just be there for him as a friend for now. I agree with everyone about not dating for a while.

[WorkInProgress7]

Hi all. I contacted my alcoholic ex-girlfriend yesterday and we had a wonderful talk. I told her that I have been researching the disease and that I now partially understand things. By disclosing that, she finally came clean about everything. Admitted she is and alcoholic and didn't want me to know. She is a mess right now, no will to live, no will to work, and having suicidal thoughts. I encouraged her of how wonderful a person she is but she don't see it within herself. Or at least not yet. She asked if I would go to an AA meeting with her this weekend and I agreed. My goal right now is to be a friend, a loving, caring, non-judgemental friend. Deep down she knows that and know I would not hurt her (I hope). But I also understand that it's impossible for me to do anything. She has to do it for herself. It's amazing how powerful this disease is. Right now I'm focusing on detaching my romantic feelings for her and just focusing on being a friend if she needs one. My main question: am I running into a brick wall by volunteering my friendship if she is still associated with the same "drinking buddies"? I know I can't compete with them. Not even possible. But I don't want to be an emotional crutch for her either. So when you folks talk about being a friend for someone suffering from the disease, what all does that entail? Thanks!

[AUDRADAVID]

Skittles- Omg!!!! When I First Met My Abf- In The Beginning I Would Call Him And We'd Hang Out And Then Like For Like The Next 3 Days- Everytime I'd Call He'd Never Pick Up. I Would Get So Hurt- And Then A Couple Days Later He'd Call Me Like He Never Was Mia For 3 Days. Once I Got To Really Know Him- I Found Out- He's A 3 Day Binger. I'd Bet My Paycheck Your Bf Is Out On His Field Trip For However Many Days He's Mia. Thing Is They're Ashamed And Don't Want You To See Or Hear Them Messed Up- They Might Lose You. Going To Alanon Would Really Help- But Think----- You Just Met Him. Maybe U Could Just Meet Someone Else Just As Easy??!! But If U See Something In Him That You Really Like- Then Stay- Just Brace Yourself It Is Really Really Hard At Times- All I Can Say Is You'll Know When You've Had Enough- Its Different For Everyone- No One Should Tell U What To Do, Except For Brace Yourself- Cover Your A$$, Watch Out For Yourself, And Make Sure U Have A Backup Plan If U Two Start Getting Serious, Just In Case. Good Luck. Private Message Me If U Ever Need To Talk. Bye.---audra

[Skittles78]

Work In Progress:
I feel that offering to be a friend for them just entails being there for them if they need to talk on the phone or meet up for a cup of coffee. I am just leaving everything open-ended with the guy I'm seeing because I can see myself getting hurt already simply because I am in "competition" with his disease and his old friends. Although I do feel hurt sometimes by the distance that he puts between us by not calling me for days at a time, etc.. I see it as best for me because he will always have the upper hand in the relationship. He will always be in control of when we talk and see each other because it has to be convenient for him, and it depends on how he is feeling and his state of mind, etc.

Audradavid:
Thanks so much for writing.
I am so worried that may be the case. I am just praying for him and I really hope not, but I do know the reality of the situation. Not to be arrogant, but I am very attractive and meet guys on a daily basis, but there is something extra special about this one so I would like to stick around. I am just now stsrting to realize how hard this is and I am definitly evaluating whether or not I can handle dating someone going through this.

[utopia]

how do you DETACH and just be a friend if u have romantic feelings? i myself can't just deny that i feel more for a person and just stuff it deep down????? i find it almost impossible to be just friends when i want more, to be just friends after physical intimacy has taken place. it sounds like denial to me rather than detachment. how does one "switch off" the romantic interests??

i just pray to god and hand it over but if it doesnt fade away, like a subtle infatuation, then what?

[Rowan]

Work in Progress,
This girl is a mess, and it's not your responsibility to accompany her to a meeting. I don't mean to sound harsh, but don't jump in too quickly, even if you feel you could detach from any romantic feelings. This young lady needs to focus on her recovery, and if she wants it badly enough, she'll make it to that meeting. I would suggest she ask a girlfriend to go with her. It can be awfully difficult to go from being boyfriend/girlfriend to 'just friends', especially if one or both still feel attracted to the other. You hadn't been involved with her for long before your relationship ended; you sound like a terrific person with much to offer the right girl. I would really leave her alone; you don't need to be anyone's caretaker. Life with an alcoholic can be a rollercoaster, as you have found out. Good luck!
Rowan

[Skittles78]

Hi Utopia,

I do have strong romantic feelings for him, but I decided not to have sex with him, event though we came close a couple of times. I cannot imagine how much worse I would feel if I had slept with him, conmsidering I haven't talked to him in 4 days. So I guess it is a little easier for me to detach myself. I'm still thinking about him all the time and I am upset that I hanven't heard from him, but also worried about him.

I've been getting all of my frustrations out by working out

[skinner]

Hi Utopia:

My bf and I recently came to the decision to be just friends. I love him very much and he loves me as well, but he has many difficult issues in his life to deal with. (He is not an alcoholic or addict, just has issues). At first I told him there was no way I could just be friends because that would hurt me too much. Then, I realized how selfish I was being. He is one of my best friends and I was going to turn my back on him simply because he wasn't going to be with me the way I wanted WHEN I wanted it!!

Basically, I have unconditional love for this man, and by me letting go of wanting to control how "we" were, I have come to peace. I still love him and want nothing more than to be "with" him, but I realize he needs my love and support as just a friend right now. I love him enough to give him that gift.

It is absolutely amazing how my HP has given me what I need rather than what I want........and I'm in a better place now than I have been in a LONG LONG time!!

[AUDRADAVID]

Skittles- I Too Am An Attractive Person- And I Have Always Dated Who I Wanted- With Ease- And Exactly Like U I Saw A Very Good Hearted Man- That's Why I'm Still With Him Cuz The Good Times Out Weight The Bad- And If That Ever Switches I Will Leave, But For Now- It Isn't Very Bad. I Can Handle It Now- U Will Know When You've Had Enough- But For Now As Long As U Don't Let It Ruin You, And U Feel Things Are Ok Then Stick Around, Maybe U Will Leave One Day- But Maybe U Will Never Have To, Each Situation Is Different Until Any Become Dangerous- Until Then Figure Out What U Will Put Up And What U Won't And Stick To It------ Don't Forget- U Are Pretty And U Can Find A Guy Just Like Him But Who Isn't An Addict- Its Just Your Choice To Do So. Good Luck- Write Back We Have A Lot In Common- U Can Private Message Me Too Whenever- Until I Hear From U Have A Great Thanxgiving-----audra

[Skittles78]

Hey Audra!

Thanks for writing me back I appreciate your support and advice.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I will be away for a couple of days.

Have a great weekend!

[CherryRockchick]

Hi Skittles78 - (and everyone else too )

I am a recovering alcoholic of a little more than 4 years, and I still don't feel ready for that kind of a relationship. I have been told, and seen in others, that getting into a relationship with a recovering addict of some sort, can be a very beautifull experience, however it takes a lot of very intence and hard work.
If the person with whom you have entered a relationship is a newly recovering addict, there is a very good chance that this person is either very high on the experience of getting sober (which is an amazing feeling, but however not eternal - and he or she will come down again eventually), trying to avoid having to deal with themselves maybe for the first time sober or trying to find a person to make their higher power (all of this I know from personal experience). My advise to you in this situation would be to listen to your higher power. No other person can predict what will happen with the two of you if you stay in this relationship or split up, but a higher power along with the steps of AA, NA and or AL-ANON can keep you sane. Should you decide to stay together here is a tip:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/ - search for "Cph12" and there you will find Dave P and Polly P talking about how to use the traditions of AA in relationships.

These speaks have been very beneficial to me. I have recently started to use the traditions as much as I can, in all my affairs - as I try to do with the steps - and it is already paying off! My relationships with others (family, friends, ect.) have improoved emmencely. I hope you'll concider cheking it out.

Lots of Love, positive thoughts and wishes of happyness!

CherryRockchick.

[utopia]

amen cherry,

i found that trying to use the traditions in my family, with my housemate and in an relationships helps them flow smoothly immensely! god bless the program(s).

i still dont see how you can just be friends with someone you strongly desire more from. ive had friends desiring more from me but i felt that because i loved them as a friend i didnt want to see them hurting so the best thing was to end the relationship so that they could move on to find someone else, i dont know but there may be a difference between hanging around in hope for men and women, but i find that for me its too frustrating, ive got so much energy and excitability and my romantic fantasies dont need a lot of encouragement. just being friends has also been a lame excuse for having no committment, and thatve always been addicts (not to say all addicts are like this) ive tried to be just a friend of one A i dated but he kept making suggesitive comments and subtle flirts...i think as an acoa, or just as someone in love one can be taken advantage of in such a vulnerable state. opening your heart takes courage but it takes trust and the willingness to be vulnerable. ive been used that way with my "heart on my sleeve" way of loving fully. i dont think its conditional to want committment if thats what u desire, you can still love someone even if you never see them again...in my own experience i would spend time apart, rather than be a hangon friend...more than anything for my own serenity, because that is more helpful to myself and anyone around me than me haing in there like some battle saviour nurse awaiting orders for rescue missions.