maybe someone else has been thru this?/situation

[shortcake77518]

Bf(A, whos been clean for over 5 months now) expressed to me a few days ago, that he's not happy, with our intimate (sex) life, and even in the past wasnt..but then was mainly because i work alot of hours and so does he, to put food on the table and pay my bills. (we live in seperate houses) you see i had a hysterectomy a few years ago, well...turns out they missed my lft. overy, in wich i just recently had to go thru major surgery, to have it removed. (I also had a mass attatched to it the size of a grapefruit.) Its been about a month now sense my surgery, so of course sex is out of question, till Dr. gives the ok. u know. So i felt hurt when he told me all this, because i feel like he's not being very careing about me, and my recovery from surgery. And he's also afraid that now...that i dont have anymore overies, that my sex drive will be affected...and i dont even know...commpletely about that yet, i mean it has effected it some, but im sure i will still enjoy it as well..later on after i heal. But i feel like he's being very insecure, and immature about this whole sex thing...after all theres more to a relationship..i hope than just that. And yes i agree its a important part..but not everything.
Anyways...i just want to hear from anyone else whos been thru simular..or had simular problems...and what you think?
And i dont really want to get on hormones..because ive heard they can increase a womens chance of cancer. I dont want that.
Im just feeling kind of down about all this. need some advise or support.
(and im not that old, im 37, never thought id go thru this)
I think my bf, is insecure and his low selfesteem, and fear are getting the best of him. I try to reassure him I do love him, but let him know he hurt my feelings. He said he's just trying to be honest about his feelings. He wants me to want sex as much or close to it as he does, and takes it personal, if i dont, and sometimes says hurtfull things like well i need to get in shape, so ill have alot of girls look at me and want me.
uggh!!
But later says he;s sorry, but that its not my problem, its something he hs to work on.
anyways......if anyones been thru or has had simular experience please let me know.
thanks

[Bozo]

To hear about that tough operation you basically went through twice. That really sucks.

I have no advice to offer as of course I do not know either one of you.

Perhaps you could re post this in the Ask The Experts category.

Good luck. I must admit after rereading your post it sounds like you answered a lot of your own questions.

[shortcake77518]

Thanks Bozo, for taking the time to read it. Not sure exactly how to repost it without having to retype the whole thing lol. And yes i am still upset for having to go thru it again, when should have been taken care of long ago. But I have come to the conclusion, that just have to accept it, and try to move on, not let it get me down.
Anyways thanks again. It just helps to talk to someelse who has been thru simular situation as me, thats why i posted it.
I have never had a problem like this before, not sure exactly how to deal with it really, its all pretty messed up, situation.

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by shortcake77518

Thanks Bozo, for taking the time to read it. Not sure exactly how to repost it without having to retype the whole thing lol. And yes i am still upset for having to go thru it again, when should have been taken care of long ago. But I have come to the conclusion, that just have to accept it, and try to move on, not let it get me down.
Anyways thanks again. It just helps to talk to someelse who has been thru simular situation as me, thats why i posted it.
I have never had a problem like this before, not sure exactly how to deal with it really, its all pretty messed up, situation.

We might not be much, but were all we got!!

Perhaps you could copy and paste to a new thread? I think that might work.

Maybe a moderator will read this and offer a suggestion.

Just remember even though things get tough, we are not alone.

[journeygal]

Hi Shortkcake,

I am so sorry that you're dealing with two very serious operations and also have to be concerned about your b/f's insecurity on top of it. I'm sure you've tried reassuring him that once you've recuperated that you will be able to focus on your sex life. You've probably also said that you would appreciate more support and understanding from him during this time.

If you want to post this in the Ask the Experts section, you can highlight what you wrote the first time, copy it, and paste it into a new thread in the other forum.

Please take good care of yourself.

Hugs,
JG

[Fire_Wind_Rain]

My suggestion based on what has happened to me is; you need to take care of your health when your health is in jeapordy or comprimised, and not feel guilty about it. If you are not comfortable, ahem, taking care of said bf's needs in "other" ways (which I am not either), then you express to him that you will let him know when it is safe to resume sexual relations, and until then, how about just dinner and a movie, then home to bed alone.

Perhaps you can find a hysterectomy site somewhere as well that will go over all the side effects of what you've had done. I know just with having my tubal ligation, it has opened up a Pandora's box of problems. Go over all the side effects with your boyfriend so he knows what you are dealing with as well. It's a serious operation with long term consequences as you well know, and if bf can't handle it, well hon, I'm sure there's other fish in the sea who can.

[shortcake77518]

Thanks everyone for all the support. Bf knows that once i have Dr. ok, that we will then work on the rest (getting back to normal sexualy) If only he could put himself in my shoes, he is being patient, well kind of... but hes also taking it personal to some degree, wich he shouldnt. He talked to his sponser about "the problem" his sex drive, and my not being able right now and possible change in my lack of hormones, because of the surgery, and his sponser, told him sense he broke up with his gf, he hasnt had sex in a while, and feels like he needs to focus on other things right now instead of sex, and told my bf, that thats what hes doing, and that he can go without for a while, just have to pray about it, and stay busy, and focus on his recovery or his son.
So anyways Im sure he still loves me, but is going thru some issues, and fears about our sex life after my sugery.
And on other hand, he wasnt very nice after my surgery, didnt come around much(we dont live together) because he said he and my daughter dont get along...but to me if you love someone you dont let something or someone get between you and someone you really love, esp if they really need your support. Esp right after surgery.
Anyways...thank you all for taking time to read this and for the support, and kind words.

[shortcake77518]

Thanks Shannon, well we have been going to movies and such, some. But last time we did, he was kind of distant and cold. And afterwards as we were leaving the theater, he staired at this girls ass! grrr!... Now i know men look, but he kept looking, even turned his head toward the road, then back again to take anoughter look!
And yeah, I ended up saying something, and it broke into a huge argument. And he still doesnt see how he was wrong. I told him that it hurt my feelings, esp sense he was cold towards me before during and after the movies. If im out with him and see a good looking guy, I may glance...if that....but i never stair, to the point to were it hurts my bf's feelings or makes him feel insecure. That would be totaly disrespectfull.
Thats what i tried to explain to him but he later told me that he's going thru some stuff, sexually. Anyways weve been to the movies sense then...and things have been alot better, he's not as cold anymore. But it hurts me that he doesnt see how certain things he does can hurt me, esp sense im still trying to get back to a normal life.
And yes i have my insecurities, i need to lose some wieght, but i want to do it for me, and for my health. Not to please him or anyone else for that matter.

[StandingStrong]

What I've come to realize over the years - and especially throughout the talks I've had with AH - people (in our case, AH and I) veiwed sex in a little bit of a different way. Because of this, there were times that he felt as though I didn't love him, want him, etc when that was not the case. We have talked about this topic between ourselves and have come to understand each other in a much better way.
Which leads me to why I'm posting to begin with. I wonder if your man is veiwing things differently than you are as far as what he gets out of it (besides the obvious). Is sex to him the only way in which he feels wanted by you? Is this the way in which he knows how to bond with you? Is this the way in which he releases stress and whatnot? Is the act of sex more of a physical need of his or an emotional one?
See where I'm going with this?
I do believe that he's being quite rude about his actions and his lack of showing how much he cares for you. I'm just wondering if there is some underlying issue as to why sex is so important to him when it sounds as though he's making you feel less important.
Hopefully you two can work this out and everything will be just fine.

[shortcake77518]

well a few days ago he told me that its more than just physical, and of course he enjoys it, but its a closeness, also with me, and also...yes a stress releaver, lol.
But on other hand he says he gets in the mood alot lately, and gets frustrated about it, and yeah he admits to well u know, taking care of it alone, and sometimes looking at a nudie mag. But says he perfers it to be with me, more than doing the alone thing.
And feels regected, even though, he knows right now we cant. And even when i start back to work, I work alot of hours, sometimes and we dont always have same days off.
So its not uncommon for us to not see each other for a few days.
It does suck, i admit, but its also life for now.
Cant live off of love alone, i wish i could!

[Brammy]

I can tell you from experience that during my SO's last sobriety, his sex drive went into overkill. Though I enjoy the closeness, well, there's only so much a girl can take.

I also had a hysterectomy with a bilateral oopherectomy and I have never felt so comfortable with sex. No hormones either. Before, I had post, pre, and peri menstrual symdrome . Now I finally feel human.

Anyway, back to it. One day, as I smoked a cigarette, my SO approached me for about the third time that day (it was still barely afternoon). I was so frustrated that I took the ash tray, put it on the bedside table, lay down and continued to smoke. He says to me 'You're going to keep smoking?' I say to him 'Well, with the way you are now, I'll just have to learn to multi-task!!!'

I think he got the message. He is slowly learning that the cuddling makes everything else so much more enjoyable and sometimes the wait helps alot too.