Sex's A Problem - The Other Side

[BeingFree]

Hi everyone:
I posted last time about having a difficult time with my 26 year old sober SO (addict/alcoholic) who's not wanting to have as much sex anymore. He's been sober approaching 2 years now (been using since he was 15 - smoking heroin/coke/ecstasy/pills/alcohol). When we first met (he was already sober 6 months) I guess the "honeymoon period," we had more sexual interaction but having it had always been a tension filled issue (doing it or not doing it). He's active in a 12 step program and seems to be getting the rest of his life in order. I'm also in my own 12 step - Alanon and CODA.

I didnt quite understand it back then in the beginning but here I am 15 months later and sex has gone down to zip, zero nada. The difference now is he has finally admitted that he doesnt want to have sex at this point in his life. Before, he didnt say anything and the tension we experienced is him not wanting to and ensuing arguments because of "it" not hapenning (but it was never addressed directly). We've talked about it and it's now understood.

It has been really difficult on me -- but he's been very good though and continually assures me that its not me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and he loves me but he just doesnt feel comfortable about it and has to work things out first. I have to say that this has to be one of the most challenging things I've gone through -- to love someone and not have the ability to physically show/share it. I still wake up with his arms around me but this enforced celibacy has been taking its toll on me. It makes me cry a lot. I used to get angry with him at the way all of this was happening but I've resigned and detached and just now "sad."

Can folks share what they've done to cope with these feelings. I cant help feel that its me, I dont turn him on enough for him to solve this problem but I KNOW its not me. We havent had sex in about 2 months approaching and it's very weird for me. I really desire him and its very frustrating to be beside him and know its not going to happen.

He says that its not a physical problem. Its just when he knows its gonna happen - he gets an uncomfortable feeling. He says that he has to work out body issues and his feelings around sex. He said that in his addiction, sex was a way to medicate his feelings, when he was sad, he would have sex. Sex was also in his younger days used as a means to an end, to get something or alleviate his insecurity. He got his ex-girlfriend pregnant his senior year and they gave up the kid for adoption. So sex has never really I guess have positive results for him. He says constantly that he is pretecting his relationship with me by not having sex with me and that he really values this relationship. It seems that what he fears based on his history is, he will obsess about having sex and when this happens, he will want to have it constantly, and then it wont be enough which will move him to be unfaithful and once that happens, it'll just be a step away from actively using again.

I dont know. I understand this all in my head but my heart's drowning. He says this isnt forever and we're trying to work it out in couples therapy but it seems like forever. I'm not considering leaving him for this I think - I do love him and everything is ok otherwise. But sometimes I think --- how long can I hang in there? If it took him 15 years to get sober - how long will this challenge take?

I guess I just needed to get all of that off my chest - but I would like to hear from folks who may have gone through the same thing and some advice.

I'd also like to hear from folks who have gone through this on my SO's side, are some or most concerns of his similar to yours?

Plus just any perspectives or thoughts on the matter - I'm confused and despairing. I feel weak for wavering in my commitment about getting through this. Its like I'm going to sacrifice something good coz "I can't handle it." Or just complaining...he's a good guy -- I should "hang" in there. I dont know.

Thanks.
BeingFree

[Vaporgirrl]

As a SO in a sexless relationship, I can relate. He tells me, too, that it is not me. But it's very hard not to take it personally.

My 33 year old ABF has HUGE intimacy problems, to the point where recently he does not like to be touched. This has become a major issue in our relationship. I am miserable. I cry about it a lot, too. I am an affectionate person and come from an affectionate family. He is not. And no matter what he tells me, it still hurts.

For my abf, his lack of sex drive is partially physical (medications, depression) but it's also partially psychological. For me it's especially hard to deal with his lack of sex drive and the knowledge that he has been a very sexual person prior to our relationship.

No matter how many times he tells me that it's not me and temporary, I still can't help feeling hurt because he's not intimate with me. I feel like less of a woman.

He doesn't fully understand how it makes me feel and says it isn't a big deal and that I shiukd just be understanding. But I find it more and more difficult. The lack of intimacy and affection makes me feel unloved. And that is not a good feeling.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you on how to deal with this because I am finding it hard to deal with myself.
Thanks for sharing your experience BeingFree. It's good to know that there are others out there going through similar experinces.

Hugs!
Vaporgirrl

[splendra]

((((BF))))

It sounds like your S/O has a lot of issues reguarding his sexuality. He maybe experiencing guilt for giving up his child and is really twisting that around in his head. He may have abuse issues he is trying to deal with too....

I am sure that you are worthy of being loved and whatever his problem is I hope that you will refuse to let it color your view of yourself. I encourage you to commuincate with him and not be shut out. I am sure there must be some evidence that he cares about you otherwise you would most likely not still be there...right?

[BeingFree]

Dear Vaporgrrrl:
Thanks so much for your post. It is good to know that others are going through the same thing. I feel your pain V...the crying and feeling hurt. And it is true, I am also hurt knowing that he was sexual in his previous relationships but not with me. Granted he was using in those relationships and I know he exhibited a lot of negative behavior and what I'm idealizing is not what I would want from him now. I just feel very weighed by the whole concept of "it will take time" and knowing that its gonna be like this for...I dont know. What happens with my sexual self in this time equation?

He says that its diffucult for him too having "this" problem but the way I see it, I have the sexual feelings and he has none. So NOT having sex is OK for him while for me its...difficult...where does all those sexual feelings supposed to go? I'm just getting fatigued having to be "strong" and "understanding." I feel like the "crazies" again.

I actually started a fight with him this morning and started crying saying we might not make it and I cant stand it anymore. All drama and stuff -- I felt bad coz I know he cant do anything about how he feels and he does have to go through this on his own time. It got really heated and we just exchanged hurtful words, he ended up saying - Have sex with other people then! But its not that...I want HIM you know? I love him. Then I started attacking his program saying he doesnt go to enough meetings, doesnt call his sponsor and lagging on his scheduling a therapist...I just knew that I crossed over the line at that point. He then said this was about me and not him. It was not a problem for him that we're not having sex but it is for me and maybe we should just break up then or think about things between the two of us.

Of course, we didnt mean it, we were both frustrated at each other. He has said that he feels a lot of pressure from me knowing this is a problem yet his life has not become unmanageable because of it. I'm making it a problem he says - what do you think?
I dont know.....but ya --V. Let's hang in there?

Dear Splendra:
Thanks for the post too. Ya -- I do believe that the issue with giving up his child colors his life even now. He is no longer in contact with that ex-girlfriend but he must have a lot of guilt around her getting pregnant, giving up the child to another couple, etc. (all in their teens). He visited once but is now not in touch with that child.
I think I'm ok with myself -- its just the knowledge that I cant be intimate with him is whats affecting me, especially if everything else is ok. I'm trying to "accept" but it is so hard. I'm finding I'm obsessing. I really hate it. Thank you for chiming in though - I really appreciate it.

BeingFree

[onetwopunch_1]

Beingfree:

All I have to say is PLEASE READ MY POST (girlfriend of recovering addict)... Your post sounded like I could've written it!!!! We have ALOT in common... Please also feel free to post back to me...

My boyfriend just told me he wanted to lose the title of boyfriend/girlfriend due to the "pressure" it was putting on him. He said he felt like a bad boyfriend because of our sex issue. We haven't done anything together in about 4 months now. It's horrible. I feel exactly the same way you do. He even told me I should go explore other options and he would understand. I dont know what the deal is. Same thing though. He says he loves me and that's not the issue, he just lost the spark so to speak.

[Andygirl]

Originally Posted by onetwopunch_1

We haven't done anything together in about 4 months now. It's horrible. I feel exactly the same way you do. He even told me I should go explore other options and he would understand. I dont know what the deal is. Same thing though. He says he loves me and that's not the issue, he just lost the spark so to speak.

You've only been together 6 months and haven't done anything in 4? If he's telling you to explore your options, I think it's pretty clear what is going on. Plus the fact that he doesn't want you to call him your boyfriend is a pretty big clue that he doesn't want the relationship.

Cut your losses.

[roadie58]

I can't understand this topic at all. We're talking about men withholding sex here for some mamby-pamby 'addiction' reason? Tell em to take some of the money they've saved on dope and buy a pair of testicles already.

You need a real man... someone not afraid of cuddling, intimacy, whatever YOUR needs are.

[BeingFree]

Dear Roadie58:
Is your post like a toughlove way to say --- move on and find a healthy relationship..I do see your point somewhat.
BeingFree

[freya]

From what I can tell, there are several people posting on this thread who very strongly feel that they are in primary, committed relationships in which their own sexual needs are not being met -- at all. I'm assuming, although no one has said so specifically, that it is the understanding between both partners in these relationships that the relationships are monogamous/sexually exclusive. Now, for me personally, if I am in a primary, committed, monogamous relationship and both I and my partner have agreed that that is what and how we want the relationship to be, I should be safe in expecting that, in general, I am going to be able to get my sexual needs met within that relationship. This does not mean that I am always going to get exactly what I want exactly when I want it -- but it does mean that, over time, both my partner and I are going to be able to get enough of what we want when we want it to feel satisfied, respected, appreciated, heard, etc., etc. etc. within the relationship. And it does mean that going without sex for a protracted and indefinite period of time and/or dealing with a partner who doesn't want to be sexual with me and who doesn't know if or when he or she will want to be sexual with me is a good indication that maybe we need to redefine the relationship (unless, of course we have both agreed that what we want sexually is a sex-less relationship -- which doesn't seem to be the case for anyone posting here).

Redefining the relationship could mean deciding that it will be an open relationship -- which is not an easy alternative or one that seems to suit most people well, but I do know 2 long-term couples for whom it seems to work just fine. Redefining the relationship might mean that the partner who has the higher sex drive has the freedom to look for sex outside of the relationship until the partner who has shut down sexually works through whatever issues he/she needs to work through. Or redefining the relationship might mean that both partners need to accept the fact that the relationship would probably work best as a friendship rather than a couple-ship.

Altough a lot of people seem for some strange reason to want to put sex in a special category removed from most other human experience, in my own experience the same principle applies to this situation as to all other situations in which one partner's needs are consistently and continuously going unmet: if nothing changes, nothing changes. This means that I very seriously need to ask myself: If my partner, who doesn't want to have sex with me or who is unable for any reason to relate to me sexually, doesn't change, am I willing to live for the rest of my life with things the way they are? If my partner is sincerely trying to change and to work on his/her sexual issues, how long can I realisically BOTH live with things the way they are AND be truly taking care of myself? And I need to be honest with myself about my answers to these questions.

I guess I don't have any pat answers here -- I just feel pretty certain that keeping in touch with what you yourself need and doing what you need to take care of yourself and to get what you need, while at the same time being open, honest, direct and as loving as possible to the other people in your life, is the best way to go.

freya

[roadie58]

BeingFree, sorry to be so cryptic in my last post. It's my weird sense of humor I'm afraid. What I meant was that the man need a solid talking-to. That 'uneasy' feeling he gets since his libido isn't propped up by drink/drugs anymore is called EXCITEMENT, possibly some performance anxiety. It's good and natural and what most normal people feel. Follow AndyGirl's advice in another thread re this topic (if I may, dear) and just get on with it! Have you tried taking the, ahem 'bull by the horns'.

Otherwise, cut bait. (that means move on). He should at least be willing to talk about it and try for you. Maybe not be there at your whim every time, but a good concentrated effort at being intimate. I like what Freya had to say on the topic.

SIIIIGGGHHHHH, I'd be soooo good for someone, if only I could find a partner... so maybe take any relationship advice from me with several grains of salt. okay?