Final Round?

[juliajane]

Hi,
I would love to receive some advice...

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years now and I have found myself at a crucial point. I have one of those alchoholic boyfriends who only gets comfortable enough to admit and confess he has a problem with drinking when he is drinking (ironically enough)....but the rest of the time, I think he sees himself as a very normal beer enthusiast. I have had a very difficult time making sense of my situation as my bf is incredibly intelligent, loving, clever, thoughtful (at times), and responsible with money, work, and well liked by his friends - all of different circles. But my bf drinks every single night. In 2 1/2 years i have never spent a straight 24 hour period with him where he didn't have a drink. He will pack beers in his suitcase, put 'just in case' 12 packs in the trunk of his car, manage to work drinks into every one of our plans. When we watch tv together, go on vacation and do nothing together, beer is always with us....always faithfully by his side.

I have been going to therapy for over a year and a half just to make sure i'm not crazy. Just to make sure I am not manipulative, crazy, controlling, needy...so petrified my constant feelings of hurt and detachment when all I keep getting are hugs and kisses and 'i love you's' were not a fault of some personal drive to refuse love and happiness in my life. I have told him in about 6 crying sessions that his drinking hurts me and that I need him to do something about it. Each time there is this immense gratitude for me speaking my mind and being honest....and he tells me he is listening - always with a very grave look on his face...that he is listening very carefully to what i am saying and that he loves me very much. And then here we are again.

So this time it's different. Or so I hope. I told him last night (over the phone which is less ideal) that I have cried long enough. I told him that i feel he would allow me to leave him before he would be willing to quit drinking. I have never told him I want him to quit but i told him last night he needs to quit. I said that I deserve to have someone who wants to be with me sober. He talks constantly about a future that i have become addicted to...a vision of perfection that has nothing to do with the present. I told him that I deserve a whole person...he was quiet on the phone and I wanted to follow up with something regarding that I need to hear his plan or we need to stop seeing each other. not next week but now. I couldn't get the words out, however, and since he couldn't really speak i told him to think about what i have just told him - mainly so i can buy some time to get the guts up to give him an ultimatum. He texted me a message after we got off the phone saying his usual i love you and thank you for the talk and how good it makes him feel. but i need action this time...

My question is...can you ask a drinker to stop when it is not their own idea? I realize ultimatums only work if you plan to stick to them but is there another way altogether? What is the best way to approach this where there is potential for something to be salvaged. I realize now that I may finally have to walk away from something that brings me 75% joy, 25% misery...but that 75% joy can sometimes feel like the best thing i have ever had...and the 25% misery can swallow me whole. More then anything, i want him to get well and I want to say what will be the most helpful and loving without putting myself back where i have been stuck all of this time...

Anyone been through this? Has everyone been through this?

[journeygal]

Hi Julia,

Yup, many of us have been through this. Take a look at the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum and read our stories. You'll see that you aren't alone.

Generally, the alcoholic has to want to stop drinking for himself and its been my experience that ultimatums don't work.

I know what you mean about the 25% misery swallowing you whole. Might I suggest looking into al-anon? It helps to know you aren't alone in dealing with this issue.

Keep coming back and take care,
JG

[Minx1969]

Originally Posted by juliajane

but i need action this time...

Hi Julia! I usually post in the Friends and Family Forum but read your post with much understanding and compassion..Most of what you wrote applies to me and my recent relationship with my now exABF..I think the most telling was your quote "but I need action this time"..

I was madly in love with my ex boyfriend..we went round and round for 2 years..he made many promises that he never kept..he would do somethings but not consistantly..in the end he admitted he had a drinking problem and would do something about it. I was so relieved..I started going to Alanon for my sanity..he didn't get help, I did..

He's still drinking and I've moved on..It's taken about 10 months to put myself back together..I've now met a wonderful man that I am just starting to date..

Here's a few things they tell you in Alanon (or on the F2F bulletin board).

The 3 C's of alcoholism (or addiction). You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it..

he won't get help until it becomes his problem and he is ready..Turn on the mute button and look at his actions not his words.

More importantly, what do you want from your life? What type of relationship do you want? I have heard many times that you can't water from a dry well..

I would highly recommend going to Alanon..I just completed my year and it was instrumental in helping me move forward in my life (which meant ending the relationship)..

I wish you luck! Hope to see you on Friends and Family.

Hugs,

Minx

[juliajane]

Thank you so much for your response (both JG and Minx)

I realized after the fact that I probably put this post in the wrong section. It has been awhile since I have visited this site.

Minx - How did your Aexbf react when you broke up with him? Part of what keeps me frozen is that I keep thinking he won't get it....won't understand that it is not about me 'not loving' him. He trys to tell me I am his inspiration to getting well and that he works on it all of the time. I told him that quitting drinking would be the first step in working on it....and that the therapy he goes to know can't be doing much but treating the cycle that the alchohol creates. I become so caught up in wanting to explain it more clearly....but I know I have actually done a very good job of explaining myself above and beyond what is necessary. Even though I do not suffer daily from his drinking (we do not live together) it always comes back to being a hurtful issue for me.

I will consider Alanon and appreciate the suggestion.

Julia

[Minx1969]

Our final break up was strange to say the least..He and I had a history of on again off again..

This time, I went away for vacation..He was po'd about something so told me not to call him until I got back..Under sponsor direction I didnt call and waited to see what would happen..he didn't call..didn't hear from him for 2 weeks then he sent an email "is there anything I need to pick up from your house".. That was the whole email..

I continued to ignore him (the whole time I'm thinking we are still together) until I was able to peacefully call him and find out what was going on..it was about a month apart at that point..he had disappeared on me before..

Then I got this whole song and dance about he couldn't be in the relationship.. I was too screwed up for him..

then the phone calls started in a few weeks later..

I chose not to go back this time..I could have gotten back into the whole ugly chaotic mess..As much as I love him (and part of me still does) I realize that by being with him I was preventing him from getting better..He didn't want to get help..

He found a new girlfriend in November so now I know why the phone calls stopped..

Here's what I heard in Alanon..Explain it once, any more then one time you are trying to control..

I tried over and over and over and over and over (you get the point) to explain..He heard..He didn't want to get better..

he's still not better..I just completed my 1 year in Alanon and am starting to date a fantastic guy (not an alcoholic)..

My ex is still drinking..I cant' talk to him..too painful..

It was horrible to walk away from someone I loved so much but it was the best thing for him and me..

Definately try Alanon. It is a tremendous support group..