New Here

[Confused38]

I probably should have started out in the "newcomers section", but I thought I would start out here, because it's with relationships that I have the most problems.

I really don't know where to begin. I came across this community through a search because I was looking for information pertaining to love obsession. I'm not sure whether I have it or not ... I'm not stalking the person I can't get over, but he's always on my mind, and quite honestly, I'm so depressed over the relationship that I find it hard to do anything ... clean my house, have quality time with my kids, etc. Some of the attributes of obsessive love fit me ... I can't stop thinking about him, I'm somewhat self-destructive at this time, and even though I've been dating other men, I'm still hanging on to him ... hoping that he will come back, even though it's quite obvious that he can't give me what I need in a relationship to be happy. I guess I'm somewhat self-destructive, too, in that I've had such a hard time sleeping that I've been taking sleeping pills AND drinking so that I can forget about him for a few hours.

This isn't the first time I've gone through this. I can date some men and I or they can break it off and I can move on easily. It seems, however, that I'm attracted mainly to men who aren't emotionally available for one reason or another, and I grieve for months after the relationship ends. I usually don't stop grieving until I'm in another relationship ... usually an unhealthy one. As I look back, I see that most of the men I've had "deep" relationships with were either heavy drinkers, mentally abusive, or were into porn. "Normal" men usually don't keep my attention for very long, or I don't keep theirs.

Am I the only one like this? Am I insane?

[best]

Originally Posted by Confused38

Am I the only one like this? Am I insane?

Not the only one like that and absolutly NOT insane.


So welcome to SR. Have a look about.
My first thought about your post was you may be looking for guys that need help because you like to help others. "I can fix that" and he will be so grateful.

Look over the many boards. Read the stcky posts at the top of them.
I am sure you will find you agree with so much of what you read here and with that you will know for sure... Your not alone.

[notsonormie]

If you're crazy I'm crazy. . . and I don't wanna be crazy. I just got out of a relationship for the second time with the same person. She is the only person I've dated in the last couple of years, and each time we broke up all I could think about was my fiancee, who I haven't seen in 2 years! Obviously, we have trouble working things out in our heads, especially when we're self-medicating. It's impossible to get emotionally and spiritually healthy when we keep ourselves so hung up that we get loaded just to be able to sleep/ relax/ feel good for a few minutes. Hang in there, get somebody to talk to that you can be honest with about EVERYTHING. For me it's a sponsor. And it's a struggle. Good luck.

[Confused38]

Thanks. I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this.

At the present time, I'm seeing a counselor. It helps at the moment, but a day or two later, I become anxious again. And I'm not a religious person.

I just feel so alone ... although I have my kids. My friends are married, as well as my family members. I feel like a failure in life due to the fact that I'm not in some type of relationship, but as I mentioned previously, the men I choose are distant ... they either work several hours, spend their time in the bars, etc. If I'm dating a decent guy who is available, I find myself finding things wrong with him ... he's too sensitive, he's too boring, etc. I'm not attracted to a man unless he's a jerk. Does any of this make any sense to anyone else other than me?

Any suggestions on becoming "normal"?

[journeygal]

Hi Confused and welcome.

I've had a long history of obsessive relationships with emotionally unavailable people. For me, it was an attempt to fill a very deep void inside of me with a relationship or another person. I never felt whole or normal or complete by myself. I found myself drawn to people I could "fix" and ended up giving away way more than I received.

The solution for me has been recovery from growing up in an alcoholic home, finding a way to fill that void inside of me, which turned out to be a spiritual void, and learning to love myself and know that I am worthy.

Keep reading and coming back. There are many people here who can relate to what you're going through.

Take care,
JG

[Confused38]

Thanks Journey. That's just how I feel. I grew up in an alcoholic home, as well, and I attended a co-dependent support group a few years ago, but I continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

I saw my counselor today and we talked about how I felt "incomplete" without a relationship. I just don't know what to do about it. I read about the obsessive love wheel and plan on obtaining the book, but even that is an obsession ... trying to figure out exactly what I am and what to do about it.

[Evanna]

Originally Posted by Confused38

This isn't the first time I've gone through this. I can date some men and I or they can break it off and I can move on easily. It seems, however, that I'm attracted mainly to men who aren't emotionally available for one reason or another, and I grieve for months after the relationship ends. I usually don't stop grieving until I'm in another relationship ... usually an unhealthy one.

Am I the only one like this? Am I insane?

No, not the only one. It has taken me a couple of days from reading your post to being able to own that i did this for years. Men that were emotionally available would leave me feeling suffocated within weeks. Yet give me a wounded guy and i would be hooked straight in there. Coming out of those relationships was unbelievable harsh. Somehow i lost parts of me in those relationships and it is real hard to move on when i have left bits of me behind.

Welcome to Sanity & Sober Recovery, Confused38!

I don't think you're insane.

It's fairly common for alcoholics/addicts to have relationships that share the same characteristic. Well, at least I can vouch for that...I've been obsessing over a dead relationship for umpteen years. Just recently laid it to rest. The "Filling of The Void" complex is something I can relate to. When my fiancé gave back her engagement ring, I was mortally crushed. Devastated seems to be a understatement. A part of me was literally ripped away. That's when my drinking really took a downward spiral.

When the time came for me to actually give up booze entirely, it's as if that 'other half' of me was about to get ripped away. With a LOT of help from AA and professional counselling, I managed to survive it all.

I hope you find the peace you seek.

[Confused38]

Thanks for the support.

I called him yesterday. I felt even worse afterwards. I had hoped that there would be some warmth in his voice; afterall, he called me a few weeks ago claiming that he missed me and that he wanted to see me. Before the phone call, I missed him terribly and, basically, mourned for him every day, but at least I had closure. I knew it was over then. Now, I think it's still over, but I still have hope that it isn't. And the relationship isn't what I need to be happy ... while we were together, he never had time for me and I always wondered if there was another woman.

[Evanna]

Arrghh! Sounds really, really painful.

[journeygal]

((((((Confused)))))))

Relationships aren't supposed to be painful. They should lift us up, not bring us down. I think we often get caught up in the idea of being in a relationship instead of focusing on the reality of the situation.

You deserve to be happy.

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by Confused38

It seems, however, that I'm attracted mainly to men who aren't emotionally available for one reason or another

Okay, so you're aware of this, and awareness is the first step.
The next step is action.
JG is right.
Relationships aren't supposed to be painful.
They can be healthy and full of good things.

[jcw1964]

Welcome Confused!!
As you have found, you are not alone. I first came here to find out how to help my wife who is addicted to pain killers. I soon found out that I need to fix my issues first. While reading your post, I realized that I have the same kind of issues. I have always been in a relationship my entire adult life. Ussually with women who need my help. I found that it was my codependant need to "fix" people. I have come to find that this "fixer" attitude comes from my need to be needed. That is how I recieved my validation. I only felt worthy if others needed me. Since going to Codepentants anonymous and meetings here, I have found that I will never be "validated" by others. I have to validate myself. I now put more focus on ME and what I need. I still do things for others but it is because I want to not because I want to be needed. In one of your other posts, you said that you werent religious. I am not sure what you mean by that but I could not have made it without God. I believe that there is a part of our heart that can only be filled by God's love. That is why we try to fill it with other people, drugs, sex, gambling etc and it never works. We look for the next thing to try and make us whole. I believe that God is the only thing that can make us whole. I have found alot of comfort from my relationship with Jesus.
Good luck and keep coming back
God Bless
Jeff

[Gabe]

Good point Jeff.
I think that "need to be needed" is the pitfall of many a codependent.
And actually, there is nothing wrong with needing to be needed.
As long as it's balanced.
I think many of us Codies jump into the deep end of the neediness pool and then wonder why in the hell no one is rescuing us as we drown.
Eventually, we learn to swim and float and ride with the tide.

[Confused38]

I just no longer have faith. I keep thinking to myself that I've had to do something bad in my life for God to make my life so awful. Other times I think that maybe there isn't a god.

[Gabe]

Confused...
I don't know where that theory came from.
You know, the one that goes..."I must have done something bad in my life, and that's why God is punishing me."
First of all, I don't believe that God punishes any of us.
Why would he bother?
We do such a good job of punishing ourselves.
Second, the rest of our lives is not a sentence for any bad thing we have done.
We've all committed our crimes.
The only way to move on from that is to dabble in some forgiveness and move to our next good place.
It's out there.
For all of us.
You too, okay?

[jcw1964]

Absolutely, Gabe. Foregiveness is free for everyone to accept. You cant earn it. It has already been earned.
I have heard a really good theory on why bad thing happen.
They happen for one of three reasons.
One, They happen because of our own sins. In other words, we bring them on ourselves.
Two, God is trying to teach us something. For instance, if he wants us to learn patience, he will make us wait for something. I think we can all have more patience.
Three, They happen because of the sins of those around us. Sometimes we just get caught in the "crossfire".
No matter why bad things happen, God's grace and strength are enough to get us through. We just have to give it to him and he will take it.
It also has been my experience that when I am getting closer to God, the devil tries to make me change my focus. Also when I am not close to God, God is trying to get my attention. It seems like no matter what we are in the middle of a spiritual battle.

Hope this helps
Jeff

[journeygal]

Originally Posted by jcw1964

It also has been my experience that when I am getting closer to God, the devil tries to make me change my focus. Also when I am not close to God, God is trying to get my attention. It seems like no matter what we are in the middle of a spiritual battle.

This has been very true in my life. When things are quiet, I tend to seek God less but the minute something goes wrong, I'm praying my butt off! I need to find a better balance and remember to put God first, always, during the good and bad times.

Confused, as Jeff and Gabe said, God does not punish us for our sins and He didn't make your life awful. Bad things happen b/c we're human and we make wrong choices or others make wrong choices and we have to deal with the consequences. Know that He forgives us for our sins, all we have to do is ask. It's also important for us to forgive ourselves.