Sex

[Andygirl]

My question is, how long were you in sobriety before you felt comfortable having sex? I figure I've been altered every time my fiance and I have been together. We have always had an awesome sex life, and when we do it now, it's still pretty good.

But, I don't have the desire like I did before. I hope it's just something to do with the newness of recovery. When we do it, I feel self-conscious and I just want to get to business and not mess around with a bunch of kissing and other crap.

Has anyone else gone through this? I really find it odd. I've always had a high sex drive and an incredibly high self-esteem. I look good, and I feel good, so what's the problem here? I want to keep him satisfied, but there are times when I just can't be bothered with it.

[Chy]

Just about everything we do in early sobriety comes with a new perspective and different clarity. There's so much to learn and do now in sobriety. Everything changes and so does working on relationships and even sex. Give it time you'll find that a sober experience with intimacy will eventually be more gratifying.

[bikerprincess]

Andygirl,

I can totally relate! I felt the exact same way.

And it took me awhile (2nd year sobriety)....I hope you don't have to wait as long as me.
The good news is it does get better WAY BETTER.

Hang in there...enjoy the process
Anne

[Andygirl]

Oh, I'm planning to work through it. I'm not going to stop having sex just because I stopped doing drugs and alcohol. That would be completely unnecessary and frustrating.

[utopia]

Because sex is so interpersonal and revealing of at least your physical self, I think it is bound to change when in a recovery program that changes all facets of the wayyou act think and feel.

For me, I found sexual abuse issues were the main obstacle to my enjoyment of sex.
And in my extremes of wanting to be a sexless stone statue or to just have complete sexual abandon proved annoying.

I think sex is very personal and we all have different desires and tastes, whether committed or not, I need some sort of mutuality between me and the other party, or parties if I ever chose that! haha.

but as everything in my life changes constantly, I don't see why my views and experiences of sex would stay the same.
-----------------------

i havent had the real opportunity to have sexual experience as I've been single for quite some time, sometimes by choice as I felt unready and sometimes by Gods choice cos he thinks im not ready obviously.

but the comfort factor...i need to feel relatively safe i think, mutual agreement on what its about, pleasure alone, expression of love, experimental. but i also look at all things where i dont feel comfortable.

anything that is new i find uncomfortable like new shoes and new postive behaviours, feeling bliss took a long time to feel comfy.have i still got emotional issues, abuse stuff, other baggage?

like i practice positive behaviours, so i guess i could experience sex to see if its discomfort from the newness and the sstrange healthiness of it or if its something deeper and more disturbing than that holding me back from who i want to be, in this case, sexually.

peace

[gforce]

My God, how great it is to hear someone that relates to the great big Oh my goodness, what happened to my sex life, dilema. I ahve been clean and sober for 8.5 months now, and when I first left treatment, there was no way to be able to have sex due to the adverse reaction to my meds. Now that my shrink has my meds leveled out and there is actually some lead in the old pencil, I feel just like a sexual invalid.....what to do, what to say, how to approach someone, etc, etc, ad nauseum. I am well aware of the no nookie for 1 year, but you know I'm not looking for Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now, to blow off a little steam. And, Biker Girl, if it takes me 2 years to level out my game, you'll be reading my Obituary on this site...hehehe. I just know that if things don't level out soon, I am afraid that I am going to throw somebody down and lick there teeth...... But, thanks to you one and all, at least I know that there is hope around the corner.

I have really been obsessing over this one person, and coupled with this bass ackwards sex thing, it has made me crazier than a bed bug. I keep praying that things will level out.....really soon.

Big Love,
G-Force

[splendra]

Originally Posted by Andygirl

My question is, how long were you in sobriety before you felt comfortable having sex? I figure I've been altered every time my fiance and I have been together. We have always had an awesome sex life, and when we do it now, it's still pretty good.

But, I don't have the desire like I did before. I hope it's just something to do with the newness of recovery. When we do it, I feel self-conscious and I just want to get to business and not mess around with a bunch of kissing and other crap.

Has anyone else gone through this? I really find it odd. I've always had a high sex drive and an incredibly high self-esteem. I look good, and I feel good, so what's the problem here? I want to keep him satisfied, but there are times when I just can't be bothered with it.

I was sober for a very long time before having sex was good for me and something I sought. I was celebate before getting sober...got married had a kid got divorced and, was celebate for several years after.

I do not think it would be uncommon when one quits using drugs or alcohol for priorities to change. If having sex was a part of your addictive pattern and now you are seeking to change the patterns of your relating to others I would think that having sex might not give you the same kind of charge that it once did.

As you learn more about your sober self and what you really want you might find that your sex life gets even better. I would also like to suggest that you talk openly to your partner about your feelings if you have not already and make sure he knows that you are going thru changes and that you still love him and want to make sure he does not feel unloved or unwanted. Commuication helps make a relationship better.

[Andygirl]

Well, I decided to handle it by just doing it. I can give up the drugs and the alcohol, but I ain't giving up the sex. Usually, the more we do it the more I want to do it, so with that dynamic at work things are much better.

[splendra]

Originally Posted by Andygirl

Usually, the more we do it the more I want to do it,

which sounds like addictive behavior...doesn't it?

[Evanna]

Originally Posted by Andygirl

Well, I decided to handle it by just doing it. I can give up the drugs and the alcohol, but I ain't giving up the sex. Usually, the more we do it the more I want to do it, so with that dynamic at work things are much better.

Glad to hear that things are much better Andygirl.

[equus]

State-dependent memory refers to the phenomenon in which people can retrieve information better if they are in the same physiological state as when they learned the information.

Reference encarta encyclopedia on memory.

It may just be that you are re-learning what was learned within a different state, re-learning to feel the rewards and enjoy it. I'm not saying it is but it would seem possible.

Usually, the more we do it the more I want to do it, so with that dynamic at work things are much better.

Yep - that's how we learn to re-do things that we enjoy!

Ok - the difference between that and addiction gets a bit more complicated, but here goes!!

In behaviourism rewards are called reinforcers - a reinforcer is defined as any consequence which increases the likelyhood of the preceding behaviour being repeated. Something nice happens after you did X - you do X again! This is why it's called a reinforcer - it reinforces the behaviour that led to the reward.

There are 2 primary subgroups of reinforcers:
1. Positive reinforcers
These are like the example given above - like being given a sweet, hugged, something soft and furry to touch. Basically they are something nice and POSITIVE that you GET.

2. Negative reinforcers
This is often CONFUSED with aversives or punishment but that IS NOT what it means.
A NEGATIVE reinforcer is when something unpleasant is taken away. The removal of something nasty can be a strong reward, a good example is the feeling you get removing tight, uncomfortable shoes, scratching an itch, or taking a painkiller when you have a headache. The main point is that the reward is that something unpleasant has been removed - hence NEGATIVE.

Both kinds of reinforcer are capable of setting up a cycle where the more you do something the more you want to do it - but addiction works on NEGATIVE reinforcers. Withdrawal is the unpleasant state creating the reward when the addiction has been fed. If addictions were adding to life (providing positive reinforcers - giving addicted people something EXTRA) SR/AA and rehab centers most likely would not exist! Addictions work by making someone 'uncomfortable' and when that discomfort is removed it's a VERY powerful reinforcer, but then when the effects wear off the discomfort is greater than before. We are all in a sense addicted to food but most of us don't find the discomfort of hunger increases after each time we eat - therefore it doesn't escalate. The discomfort of withdrawal from chemical addiction does increase along with the addiction - therefore chemical addiction often DOES escalate.

So.....

Really all you have to do is know whether something adds a positive to your life - something you enjoy in it's own right, or whether it's enjoyed as a means to remove discomfort AND (unlike normal eating and drinking) the discomfort increases over time.

If you've always enjoyed sex - it seems likely that it just adds something good to your life, in which case bloody go for it!!

[DryBiker]

For me, all that got so much better. Maybe it's just because my wife is so happy that I'm sober. The quality of sex is better, and I don't need that little blue pill anymore.

Happy 49 days; my sobriety date is the same as yours.....

[splendra]

I find that if I am truely satisfied with eating or sex that I do not want more and more. If I eat because I am lonely or sad I tend to eat in a way that is not very nourishing if I have sex to try and fill a void or to "get off" it is not very satisfying.

Either one one these behaviors can lead me to unhealthy obsessive thoughts and behaviors which would lead me right back to my addiction. Because addiction is progressive even if I am not actively practicing it any behavior that leads me to obsessive thoughts will throw me back into active addiction even if I choose something other than my drug of choice which is tequilia....

I made the Is bold to empathsize that it is how I react and not to imply that it is written in stone...

[Andygirl]

Originally Posted by DryBiker

For me, all that got so much better. Maybe it's just because my wife is so happy that I'm sober. The quality of sex is better, and I don't need that little blue pill anymore.

Happy 49 days; my sobriety date is the same as yours.....

Hell yes DryBiker! Happy day to you too.

Sex itself is a lot better. Opiates do a number on your sex life. You can do it and do it and never get the desired results. Now that those are out of the picture, I'm having a much more satisfying experience with sex.

I think I was going through a mental block before. Once I made up my mind not to complicate the issue, things got easier. Now we're back to normal. It's definitely one of the great bonuses of sobriety.

[lightseeker]

My abf has been sober now for almost 3 months. I would say that our sex life has improved immensely. It was good before but now it is beyond beyond. I was surprised because I expected it to drop a notch. We found out that actually sensation has increased when we are sober - maybe that is what made the difference. I think that he had always used (coke and alcohol) in the past to decrease his inhibitions. We feel comfortable together and that has not been an issue at all. Hope that things continue to improve. Just give it time!

[Millwallj]

Originally Posted by splendra

I find that if I am truely satisfied with eating or sex that I do not want more and more. If I eat because I am lonely or sad I tend to eat in a way that is not very nourishing if I have sex to try and fill a void or to "get off" it is not very satisfying.

Either one one these behaviors can lead me to unhealthy obsessive thoughts and behaviors which would lead me right back to my addiction. Because addiction is progressive even if I am not actively practicing it any behavior that leads me to obsessive thoughts will throw me back into active addiction even if I choose something other than my drug of choice which is tequilia....

I made the Is bold to empathsize that it is how I react and not to imply that it is written in stone...

spledra - how do you know that its progressive? how do you know that your addictive beahviours will lead to a drink?