Step kids being played...

[Paulie]

It has just come to my atention (I guess I was being nieve (sp?) or something) that my step kids mom makes them feel bad for wanting to be with us.

I guess I knew that last summer with the older one when she wanted to stay during a summer weekend and her mom made her feel bad. But I didn't realize until yesterday that she was not doing it to the younger boy about wanting to be here more than just weekends during the summer.

It broke my heart. I asked him if he is afraid to tell him mom that he likes being here because he is afraid it wil hurt her feelings. I got the "I don't know" answer. So I left it at that.

They go home tomorrow for a week, back for a camping weekend, then back to the moms for 2 weeks before he comes by himself for a few weeks. I am afraid she is gonna lay guillt on him not to come back alone and spend time with us and that makes me sad.

I dont' know why I am posting this I guess I was just looking for suggestions maybe on how to reassure him at 10 years old that it is okay to want to come and see his dad and me.

[Ann]

Paulie, can you tell him that people can have enough love in their hearts for many people in their life, that it's okay to love you and his dad without taking away from the love he has for his mom?

Can you explain how each relationship is unique in it's own way and that it's okay to like one thing better in one person, and another thing better in somebody else? And maybe that each relationship has things you like and don't like with the same person?

I think it can be hard when one parent is responsible for the day to day responsibility with a child, which includes discipline, tediuim sometimes, and all that goes with sharing a household, and the other parent is seen more as a "fun vacation", then it's hard for both parents to find a balance with the child.

I know you, and I know you share responsibilities, but I also know you well enough that you will get past this and handle the childs emotional conflicts with grace.

Hugs
Ann

[jcw1964]

I have had to deal with my ex laying the guilt trip on our kids. Reassure them that they need to do what THEY want to do. Maybe help them explain how they feel and what they want to their mom. Maybe with your help and help from their dad, their mom can understand that it isnt a competition.
Good luck
Jeff

[Paulie]

Thanks Ann. I did try and explain that to him and my H and I talked and he reminded me that I need to separate my emotions from my thoughts and keep the kids best interest at heart. It isnt' about the ex.

My SS is a kid, all I can do is show him that we love him when he is here.

The mom is gonna do what she is gonna do. She pulled some other stuff on Thursday night and for the first time, I just let it go. Normally I would jump and run and take care of it for her, but nope. I am an adult treat me like one. And if you can't that is not my problem. I will not allow her to steal my joy any more, I have given her too much power.

We told my SS that it is okay to want to spend time with us that is all we can do. I will be 100% surprised if he comes for those few weeks by himself without his sister, I think the mom will have to much influence on him and that will be sad for everyone involved. But again, out of my control. I can only control me and what I do and I have really been praying for her alot lately.

I guess I just thought that it had been so many years already that the games were over with, but I was wrong.

Yes you know me and you have spent hours reading about my H, you know him too . We love the kids that is all we can do.

They come back next friday for our first RV camping trip with them...they are both very excited. That is what is important, sharing times like next weekend with them.

Thanks Ann. I didnt' expect anyone to respond...you know me I just gotta type away sometimes.

[Ann]

Originally Posted by Paulie

Yes you know me and you have spent hours reading about my H, you know him too . We love the kids that is all we can do.

I know you both well, and loving your kids is the only thing that matters. Everything else is just "stuff".

Have a wonderful time next weekend.

Hugs
Ann

[splendra]

My H's ex/w tries all kinds of stuff to make the kids feel bad about being with us. There all kinds of things that we cannot say because she may hurt the kids over it.

She always makes it difficult to have a visit she calls all the time when the kids are here yet my H has to make an appopintment to talk to the kids on the phone and most of the time she won't answer the phone or allow the kids to either.

She is very controling and I think violent with the kids. I won't talk to her at all when she calls or answer the phone if I see the caller ID and know it is her...

The son wants to live with us and he is at the age of choice but I know he is afraid to say anything to her. I hope I see the day when he lives with us permanatly...

[Paulie]

The son wants to live with us and he is at the age of choice but I know he is afraid to say anything to her.

that is what happened with my step daughter last year. She wanted to live here and go to high school here but was afraid to tell her mom. And now after a year in high school there of course she doesn't want to leave her friends.

Like I said, I have been praying for her the last few days that is all I can do. And show the kids we love them.

[journeygal]

Yup, love always wins out. It's hard when the kids are young though because they don't really understand what's going on when a parent is acting in the wrong, it's something they can't recognize until they're older.

Just love them as best as you can and pray for the other stuff.

[Pony]

Well, you know that I had to reply to this...Paulie. I know exactly what you are saying having been there myself, first with their mother when they were younger (boy the stories I have there) and again when I divorced their dad and they stayed with me.....he did it to them (You'd think that he would have learned not to with what his ex-w did).

Anyway, the short of it is that all you can do is love them, talked with them when they express their feelings/fear about it.....and help them realize that it's OK to want to be with you guys and that their mom just has insecurities about herself and has issues that she needs to someday work out. They will in time come to understand that. Mine did.

I know that you will find a way and they know you both love them. You both are great parents who have lots of influence with them....maybe more than shows now, but in time.

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((Paulie)))))))))))))))))))))):hug :