Recovering AH thinks he might want a seperation...

[jordan1980]

Hi everyone I am really upset right now and I am just here looking for some advice on what to do now.
My AH has been sober 18 months, and for the past 8 months our marraige has been slowly slipping away and I don't know what to do. My ah has been crabby, unhappy and mean 24/7....for 8 FRIGGIN MONTHS
We talk about it, he tells me what is bothering him (98% of the time it is something that I am doing,) it gets better for about a week then, it's back to him being an a**. I knew that our relationship was in need of some help but.... this friday he came to me again with basically the same problems but this time he said maybe it would be best if we seperated for awhile!!!
I was really taken back by the whole situation. He was very calm(usually he is not,) told me that he was still in love with me but he sees me as a negative person.
AH says that I am not changing and growing!! He says that I am spoiled, immature, and that he just cannot understand the way that I think anymore!!
I know that I am not perfect, and I am trying to work on changing, but it just isin't quick enough for him.
I just don't understand....he used to love me soooo much, and now he can't stand me or anything that I do. He is constantly getting mad at me for the smallest things, and just generally seems to HATE ME!!
I don't know what to do?? Is this normal for people in recoevry or is it something more?
I just don't know what to do anymore???

[journeygal]

(((((Jordan)))))

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I know you feel betrayed, having put up with him at his worst, and now he can't or won't stick around for you. Your husband is not the same person he was before recovery. Being clean changes people and the way they relate to other people. It's probably very hard for him to live without a substance as a buffer and he may be blaming you and others for his own pain and unhappiness.

Separation might be a good thing for you to see if you want to remain in a relationship with someone who blames you for all of his problems. No matter what he says, don't take ownership of his unhappiness - it's not your fault and his problems have nothing to do with you. You're just a convenient target.

Hugs,
JG

[splendra]

((((Jordan))))

I hope you can stand back and let him do what he feels he needs to do cause I think he will learn something about living with himself. You can also take the oppertunity to learn about yourself. Sometimes the more you resist something the more it persist....

It does sound like he is blaming you for his $hit...

[lillian]

hang in there! my AH started disengaging from me last december/jan.- he stopped helping around the house, was sorta selfish- i reacted by being irritated-- then he decided he wanted a separation- in truth he was having an affair, and is now living with the woman up the street from me. so, this stinks- i thought he was in love with me, and up till he got sober (it's been since oct- he had a relapse in dec, and sober since jan) he'd been saying how grateful he was to be with me, and i was so willing to work with him- i love him still. it's all heartbreaking. all i can say is, keep talking to people- al-anon is good, too- stay busy if you can. let him go - you won't be able to stop him anyway. i want my AH to realize he made a mistake and come back, but i know that i have to let go of this kind of thinking for my own sake. i told him i didn't want to have any contact for 60 days-- this gives me some power, even though he is the one who wanted to go-- and a time limit gives me something to abide by, when i want to call him up pestering/crying/nagging-- i can hang in there, and so can you. good luck!

[jordan1980]

Hi again everyone,
I just wanted to pop back and thank you all for your support. We are going to get into counselling within the next week and I guess we will take it from there. Thanks again for everything I will keep posting and let you know how we are doing!!

[clyde]

Be sure to stand up for yourself in counseling. He sounds like a truth spinner. If you let him he might just redirect the sessions to be all about your problems. Give a lot of soul searching thought as to what you think the heart of the problems are so that you get the most for your time and effort. You do not want to waste your time and expectations on "She nags too much". And I do not know if someone else has said this or not but counceling can only work if both of you put in 100%. My husband spent 9 months lying to the councelor or putting in a half a**ed effort. I could not do enough work for both of us. Now that I am divorcing him he is going to our councelor on his own to work on his problems. Because in reality they were his problems. I have been very strong in the fact that we are getting divorced because he decided not to work on our marriage. I will take the blame for my part that brought us to this door but he pushed us through it.