Venting?

[jessiebug]

You know what's hard? Realizing that you were just a tool for the addict. I am coming to terms with the fact that my xabf was never really a boyfriend to me. He used me because I allowed myself to be used. He took my money and my loyalty and used them only to advance himself. Spending a year with someone that I thought I was building a life with, only to find out, he was building a life with others and just advancing in his spiral downward. I know there was no love for me in his heart. I look back and remember how he was so "in love" with me only at his neediest times...bailing him out of jail, "borrowing" money for bills/tickets/court fees, or just plain old wanting sex. I've been happy and strong in my decision to cut ties with him, but every now and then, I just beat myself up thinking about what a sucker I was. How I loved with everything I had...deeper than at any other time in my life...and it was for nothing. He didn't care. I feel so stupid. I know I'm not, but I feel disgusted with myself at times. How could I have such a low level of self-respect that I never saw enough of this to act sooner.

I'm envious of those that have the love of their addict. I'm envious of those that at least had/have the foundation. I was building our relationship on quick sand. Sorry...didn't mean to turn this into a pitty party. Just annoyed with everything and, especially, him. I just pray for sweet justice someday.

Thanks for letting me share...

[splendra]

((((Jessie)))))


I know it does not seem like it but, our As are suffering. Everything we do comes back to us always one way or another. Unfortuanatly many of their actions hurt others and they will pay a big price too. Hoping they get theirs is not a good way to think for us. I know how it hurts I really do.

I can tell you that one of the ways I have come out of my pain is to pray for them and ask God to have mercy and to bestowe grace on them. Our words have power and I know ((((jessie))) you would rather be contributing to your AB/F's finding his way out than projecting negativity on to him and it will affect you too to want negativity for him....Think good thoughts always...

[Ann]

Jessie, there is nothing wrong with you, it's just that an active addict is incapable of loving anyone in a healthy way, including themselves.

What you gave him you gave out of love. There is no greater gift. One day you will meet someone who will be capable of offering his own gifts to you, and life will be beautiful again.

Hugs
Ann

[jessiebug]

Thanks Ladies. I know I shouldn't wish wrong on people. I was always the first one to say, "I hate no one. It requires too much energy and I'd rather spend my time doing something else." Not only that...I'm a huge believer in karma. I think it was just the waves of anger...coming to terms. Things get better and better everyday for me now. I'm happy. I smile. I have so many friends out there keeping me company and entertain me, I may have to increase my cell phone package!

Life is better now. I do hope my axbf finds recovery. I see (from the outside this time) that he's not currently on the right path. I will pray for him.

[2nd2drugs]

jesse