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Old 04-28-2005, 11:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I think I've done lost my mind...

I am a love addict and I'm looking for my next hit. At least, that's how I felt last night. This morning is a little better... I think. Still looking for the hit, but not as feverishly as I did last night.

I went on a date last Saturday with a really nice guy. I thought it went really well but it's now Thursday and he hasn't called me. I'm going nuts. I want to call him to find out if he likes me, but I know that would just be counterproductive.

Just to outline my insanity, I got home and started looking for him on the internet on ussearch.com and other websites. I didn't get much information except his birthday. I've been searching on the internet for dating advice and instruction on what to do in these situations. I even did a search for him on match.com just to see if he was a member.

Why am I so wrapped up in this guy? I want a boyfriend who will eventually become my husband - the sooner the better. I want a child. I want a child to replace the baby I had terminated all those years ago and to prove to myself and my doctor that I won't need IVF - ok, THAT and I'm looking for the father of my children. I want to be part of my own family unit that will love me and cherish me the way my parents did not. I want to live happily ever after like they do in the movies. I want to fall asleep at night next to the one who loves me and not wake up alone anymore. I want to be coupled and therefore cool.. coz if you are desired by someone, you are a desirable/worthwhile human being. I don't want to be in my 30s and single anymore. I want a house, which I know I can't get on my own. I want someone to protect me coz goodness knows, my parents did not.

I am ashamed that I have not been able to hold on to a man for too long. I am ashamed that I can't even get to a second date. I am ashamed of the relationships I had in the past because they were destructive and dysfunctional - which means that I am a poor judge of character and weak because I stayed in them too long and bored my friends with endless stories of how these men abused me. I am ashamed that with all my good qualities I have not been able to land a man. I am ashamed that I will have difficulty having children, thus making me less of a woman.

I am afraid to end up alone, to die alone, to live my life alone. I am afraid that I won't hit the "life milestones" that people expect me to hit, particularly my family. I am afraid to be a loser because I can't sustain a healthy relationship - or ANY relationship for that matter. I am afraid that I will never have children to love and to have love me - and yet am terrified that I will botch that too.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

All that came out... and all I was looking for was a phone call to ask me out on a second date...

Thanks for listening.
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Old 04-28-2005, 12:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Q.

how do you feel about your self? You a positive person? Fun to be around? Dress nice stay well groomed.

I can relate. When, I was younger I thought, I had to have someone around. Getting older, it's not as important.
If you are happy with your self and comfortable being by your self, the right guy will come along.
We live in this couples society. Everything seems to revolve around a pair instead of one.


have you set goals? There's nothing wrong with wanting Mr. Right provided he is the man of your dreams. You start dating someone, make sure they don't have bad habits that really annoy you, they'll really bother you after you'd marry.

You keep your self friendly the be the type of person you yourself would want to be around the right guy will show up

You ever say anything to the Man upstairs about this? Pray for guidance.

Don't isolate your self go out with friends on weekends if, they don't have dates.
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Old 04-28-2005, 12:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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God bless you, when the right one comes along you`ll know it because you will get lost in each others eyes, time will stand still and everything else in the world won`t seem as important as the two of you together, you will know that your whole life had been waiting for that one special person, because you will have found each other, in that vast sea of life. Don`t give up, it`ll happen on gods time, when you least expect it to happen. God has to make the way for everything to coincide in each of your lives, which means the one is already out there waiting for you too. God has to plan it just right so the two of you will meet, against all the odds, and despite lifes obstacles, which is not an easy task, when you consider how many lives he must shuffle to make it happen. So be patient, he`s coming.


chris


P.S. God bless you
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Old 04-28-2005, 01:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teeenybubbles

.. coz if you are desired by someone, you are a desirable/worthwhile human being. .

Does that mean if you are not desired by someone you are not a desirable/worthwhile human being?

When someone desires you are you not the same person that you were before you met them? Did them desiring you change your worth? Are you not the same desirable/worthwhile person or not, regardless of who you do or do not meet?

If a man can find you desirable and worthwhile, then you were already that before you met him.

The question might be, 'why don't you see that?'

Thanks for your honest post.
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Old 04-28-2005, 02:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow teeenybubbles...you just described many of my own thoughts, give or take one or two points. Guess I'm sicker than I originally thought .

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 04-28-2005, 02:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
If a man can find you desirable and worthwhile, then you were already that before you met him.

The question might be, 'why don't you see that?'
I see it and on a good day, I even believe it. It's when the insecurities get a hold of me that I can't see clearly... which is probably when I should:

Quote:
You ever say anything to the Man upstairs about this? Pray for guidance.
And I did last night. Several times.

Thanks everyone. I really needed to get this out and see it on paper (so to speak). Call it my pre-pre-attempt at step 4.
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Old 04-28-2005, 04:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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all my life

not good enough

today:

the best mackat

in the WHOLE WORLD!

[took some work, mind you]
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Something that kept going through my head when I read your initial post....

Someone else won't make you happy...you'll make you happy. You are looking everywhere for happiness, instead of looking at yourself. I am sure you have alot of love to give, but you can't have a (lasting) loving relationships if you don't first love yourself.

Since this is "Anything But Your Name", and it will dissappear in 24 hours.....I think you should post this over in another forum to get more feedback. I am sure there is some great advice out there. Give your topic/thread a chance!

If you'd like, you can request that this thread get moved to another forum, and the mod in this forum can take of it for ya.

-pedagogue
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Since posting my first post of the first part... I have since learned that my ex bf of 2 years - gosh awful codie/abusive relationship that I couldn't bring myself to walk away from - asked his subsequent gf to marry him... I want to get this out to prevent myself from spiralling today...

My Thoughts:

1) There, but for the grace of God go I.
2) Wasn't I good enough??
3) Any port in a storm, I guess.
4) Why wasn't I good enough??
5) I'm grateful he let me go, otherwise I probably would've snapped.
6) WTF!
7) I'm safe today.

This is nuts. The man was abusive and I'm jealous?? I'm jealous that he picked someone else and not me to spend the rest of his life with? The man who helped drive me further into insanity?? I'm jealous of this girl because he loved her more than he loved me... and I'm jealous despite the fact that he hurt me again and again.

Mishelly... I think I'm sicker than I thought I was too lol
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You are jealous of the idea....not the reality. You might not see it now, but in an 'ideal' world you'd want your b/f to love you more than life itself...but in reality....if you were in her position, I'd feel sorry for you because of your future of abuse, etc.

You may not think it now...but you came out ahead in that deal.

-pedagogue
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Something that kept going through my head when I read your initial post....

Someone else won't make you happy...you'll make you happy. You are looking everywhere for happiness, instead of looking at yourself. I am sure you have alot of love to give, but you can't have a (lasting) loving relationships if you don't first love yourself.
You are absolutely right.

This is why I attend CoDA meetings once a week and am beginning to work the steps. I know I have to love myself first and best. I'm just having one of those moments when I need to let it all out.

Plus, I'm a little embarrassed about what I wrote.
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You may not think it now...but you came out ahead in that deal.
On a clear day, I know I did.

Today is a little hazy...
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Don't be embarassed! It is best to get it out....because those thoughts are toxic and shouldn't be kept inside. Consider this a cathartic experience.

-pedagogue
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Old 04-28-2005, 05:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks for the wise words Ped!
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Old 05-01-2005, 06:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Wow, teeenybubbles, do I have those moments.

I have a child (almost 18), and I've been married. Twice. Once to a good man. I'm thinking I'm too old to meet anyone now (45), and I'm scared.

I do better in my life with someone in it. I don't do very well alone.

I do like myself better than I ever have.

At least I'd just like to meet someone nice that I can go out with sometimes.

It's hard to meet decent men. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me.
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Old 05-01-2005, 07:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Update:

So I finally get up the courage to call this guy a week after our date. I was hoping to just get his voicemail, but no such luck. I asked him what was up. He said that he had fun on our date, but that he met someone else.

Right away I started spiralling downward... Nobody ever picks me... nobody wants me.. nobody will ever want me... like I'm just that pretty pretty pebble on the beach that everyone picks up but inevitably throw back in the sand... I'm not enough... I will never be enough... plus all of the stuff I wrote above... I've had disappointments before, but this one hit me harder than most. I guess this is the icing on an already emotionally tough weekend. I've been crying for the past 2 hours in addition to the 2 hours I cried yesterday.

I am a beautiful person... or so people keep telling me. I'm pretty, smart, well-rounded, educated... I am a dream-girl.. or so people keep telling me. The only people who can't see it are the guys that I date... and me. But I guess that's the point.

I sat crying on the floor and prayed. Not sure to whom or what for. I got an answer fairly quickly... My phone rang. It was the person who had turned me on to CoDA in the first place. I hadn't seen him or talked to him in a long time. I was a little frustrated with him today because we were supposed to hook up and he didn't answer my calls or emails. He's been in the program a while and managed to talk me off the ledge. He invited me to a SLAA meeting tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it.
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Old 05-04-2005, 04:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Unhappy I think I've lost my mind too

teeenybubbles -

In your original post, you started it by saying "I think I've done lost my mind...". Well, if you have, then so have I.

With the exception of a few minor points, you put to words what I have been feeling for quite some time. But I never knew that there was a name to it, or that there are others out there like me. So I thank you for helping me begin to help myself.

My problem has led me to almost ruining a couple of friendships that I have. It has gotten so bad that they stayed away for their own sanity. And of course, that didn't help me none. At least, not at first. But then I was able to let go.....but only for a little while. Because when I would get together with them, it was like I got another hit from them and the whole thing would start all over.

Luckily, my friends are such great friends that when I realized that I had a problem (but didn't know what it was at first), they helped me out. They made me realize that they are still my friends and will always be.....no matter what. And that has helped me a lot. :hoo

I just thank God for loved ones. They really are there when I need them. I just hope I can do the same.
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