making love

[splendra]

I am wondering how can people make love to people they do not know or even love? How did the sexual act become something people use to say hello or as a means of escaping reality or, even a business transaction?

[abtchonamission]

You got me, Splendra. I hope someone has an answer for you - you've got me wondering now.

[Ann]

I don't have the answer except that to me "making love" and "the sexual act" are two often unrelated actions. Perhaps that does answer the question.

Hugs
Ann

[splendra]

I believe our sexuality is the core of who we are and that there is a spark of the divine and that an act of sexuality is meant to express the diviness of our being with someone that we know and love and who loves us.

I believe we need to be very aware of the messages we give to our children about their bodies and that it is the vechile of the soul which contains a spark of the divine and it is very very precious. The only bad things that come out of our body come out of our mouths and nowhere else. I wish more people would teach this to their children....

[osier59]

Splendra,

I agree with Ann. There is a HUGE difference between having sex and making love. It's sad that it has come to this, and it's sad that our society and the media have made it so blase and commonplace to our young people.

I could really get on my soap box here about what our youth are being taught about their bodies and sex and relationships and commitment and self respect and modesty...

YIKES

Good thread.

Barb

[splendra]

Barb bring it on.....

[best]

Originally Posted by Ann

I don't have the answer except that to me "making love" and "the sexual act" are two often unrelated actions.

and just as we can lie to ourself to a point of believing anything we want, we can lie to ourself and say we love this person or that person.
Lust is a powerful sin. As addictive as any drug or alcohol can be.
Perspective and understanding of what love truly is does change things.

[KelKel]

The word Carnal Knowledge come to mind....
I am too tired to search for any further thoughts on the matter for the moment... I will try again tommorow...

[Phinneas]

I think we get into trouble when we place value judgements on things like sex or money, for example. Neither is good nor bad, it just is. If I deem money bad, because it (like most anything else) can be abused... well, that's a judgement that I am creating. It has nothing to do with the money or, in this case, the act of sex itself.

That said, I definitely think sex in a loving, committed relationship is a beautiful, sublime, even spiritual thing. But I am also a conscenting adult and do not judge the other sex I've had as bad.

Sex is kinda like pizza... even when it's not very good, it's still pretty good.

hugs,

phinny

[minnie]

I believe that some people confuse sex with intimacy. I know that I had big problems with my ex about this. I saw sex as making love i.e. an expression of existing emotional intimacy. He saw sex as a way of achieving emotional intimacy.

No wonder we aren't together anymore......

[Ann]

I also think that many people mistake sexual attraction with love, or use sex as a way to find love. Sex is a wonderful part of love and sharing intimately, but is not necessarily an indication of love. Not knowing the difference can be one of the reasons so many relationships fail. Love is a 24 hour a day emotion with or without sex.

Hugs
Ann

[journeygal]

I think a lot of people feel as Phinny does, that having sex is just something to do, like playing basketball or going on a hike. Should it be sacred? Should it be something more than just a physical act? I guess it depends on your religious or spiritual beliefs.

Personally, I feel it should be an expression of love between two committed adults but I have been guilty (?) of using it as a way of getting closer to someone I didn't love or even know as well as I should. I'm older now and my beliefs have changed but as a teenager and young adult, I did not hold very much esteem to having sex/making love. I think it's something that needs to be taught to value, like anything else deemed important.

Very interesting topic.

[lafever chris]

Self centerness is the core of all our fantasies, illusions, and self indulgences.



chris


P.S. God bless you

[minnie]

JG

I'm still getting my head around whether sex should be sacred or not. I know for me, the problems have arisen when I didn't know the "real" reason why I was having sex with a particular person, or that the expectations of both of us were different and unacknowledged. Not that I have that much experience to base any research on!

[minnie]

(can someone else reply to this, please? It's a bit galling to see on the main page "making love" with my name under it, when I'm nowhere near being in a situation to do just that!)

[journeygal]

[CodeMaster]

Hahaa Minnie...

I used to be really religious, thought sex was sacrad. But as I'm growing up, I dont see any reason for that except to encourage you to sleep around less for a healthier life (stay away from accidental pregnancys, STD's, getting attached to non committed partners which causes trouble sometimes if they go psycho and kill you), etc...

But one thing I do know about sex is even if it was done just for fun with a stranger, during the intimate moment, you do become one and start feeling this sense of attachment or even love with that person. It then becomes easy to really start to get attached with that person if you continue to keep in touch even as friends...

But if you broke off the friendship after the first time like if it was a one night stand, it tends to be easier cause the deepness of the love was stopped at an early stage. Though even if you had a casual sex friendship for say a month or more (which I've done before) you cant help but one find or both partners being really attached to each other as a normal couple would be. Even if neither admits they are dating, if one sees another go with someone else, the jealousy is the same as if they were dating.

So sex can be a tricky matter, its definitly not really just something to do like playing basketball IMO. It has its intimacy factor even if intimacy was not the intention.

As far as if it should be kept sacred, I really dont know and currently as of today dont think so, maybe only for the sole reason of keeping out of trouble. Afterall, its probably more of a stable life if you find one committed partner then many as the many comes with many troubles of all kinds...

[Gabe]

I think sex is the most intimate thing you can do with another person.
That being said, I've never understood the term "casual sex".
(Cool, now my name will be on the front page under the title "making love" )

[splendra]

It seems like there is something in us that wants to feed ourselves to the wolves....

[StandingStrong]

Interesting reading so far. lol

Splendra, in answer to your original question, I think that it's impossible to just sum up the answer in one answer. Everyone is individual, therefore there reasons for being intimate with someone will be different.
As was mentioned already, I am a firm believer that there is a huge difference between the actual act of sex and the act of making love. But in all honesty, I believe that most women see it as different while a lot (if not most) men see it as the same thing.
My friends and I have talked pretty openly about things and to give you some examples of how a person can be with someone they didn't love or know....
1) they were just friends and it just happened. 2) They were having problems in life and someone made a pass at them and they had a "feel sorry for me" moment and gave in 3) they were looking to find closeness and/or connection with someone 4) no real reason other than the fact it was all about sex and had nothing to do with feelings....the list could go on and on. The point is that people have sex for different reasons and it can have a lot of different meanings and even have no meaning at all. Depends on the person and the circumstance.

[Evanna]

Nothing wrong with sex for sex's own sake i say.

[utopia]

amen.

well this is very relevant for me at the moment. i agree that sex is very personal interpretation. nothing IS anything. it just is. something is only perceived a certain way because so many people think so. in alanon i try to use "I" rather than the "you". it makes readers feel less defensive and more open to hear what im really saying and not some subconscious accusations, anyway.

sex without love? i respect what everyone has said on here because we are all individuals. for me> i really have the core dream of the committed and relationship lovemkaing but i dont know but think sex is different for men and women when gone withtou for a long while? i know that for me its trying at times!

sex was often linked to intimacy and because of childhood sexual abuse, i found sex without committment and trust was too painful. as ive dealth with abuse issues. im opening up to sex without love as an exchange in itself.

A relationship doesnt last forever, i think they come in and out of our lives to teach us things. what if a sexual encounter taught us pleasure. it can all be arugued. its very personal and unique.

i think its important to have a value system of sex but not to expect it of others. safety and consideration are important.
at 21, i have grown up with sexual media and porn and so on at my fingertips but its ultimately to love and be loved that i want.
its hard to relate to people deeply not in recovery, add to that find a gay male im my small city. but depsite loneliness i trust god will bring me a relationship when its time.

a balance of physical
emotional
mental
spiritual
CONNECTION

but im of flesh and blood and some desires long to be met, i dont think sex without love will fully satisfy me but it would sustain me somewhat, ill never really know til i try again. life is a mystery. each to their own and yet united.
peace

[splendra]

Those of us who have experienced sexual abuse in our childhoods have a particularly difficult time learning what the core of us is about. Our core is so delicate and easily breached like a baloon full of air and the abuse is like a hatpin peircing us and the core of who we are leaks out our energy. Even harsh words can damage us at our core causing a slow leak but, being used as an object for an adults sexual release when we are children is very difficult to overcome...

I personally found that I had to start thinking of that part of me as sacred for healing to take place. It may not be sacred to others and their willingness to get it on is proof in my mind that many people do not veiw their core as something that they honor and protect and something they give because love is real.

I personally was not able to develope any self esteem until I stopped giving of myself on a whim in sexual matters. I found that others started respecting me more to as a result of changing my sexual behaviors and viewing my sexuality as a part of me that has a spark of divinity. I was then also able to have an apperication of being a woman that I had never had before and i have also seen that my attitude about my sexuality has influenced others to think about their own behaviors. I especially want to influence my child and my step children to love themselves enough to understand that unless someone is touching them with real love not lust that it will breach the delicate core of who they are and perhaps drive them to seek to fill it back up with behaviors that are both impulsive and not in their best interst...

[knottedup]

Sex, hmmm....

I heard it quoted once:"I've loved every man I've ever had sex with--even if only for the moment."

[Kahlia]

I think "making love" is TOTALLY knowing you and who the other person is.....being one. Casual sex for me has no place in my life as it is an 'act". Anyone can "act" if they try hard enough..........Kahlia