We grow and we learn....

[StandingStrong]

So, I came here to SR after I'd hit my rock bottom with AH. He'd moved out and I was on a mission. My mission: To rediscover myself, to take some time to just "breathe" and get my life together, to prove to myself (and AH) that I could have a good life without him - maybe even a better one. I was determined.
I have grown a lot. My mission changed during my growth. It no longer was about proving to AH (or anyone) that I could have a good life or better life. It simply became about having a good life.
While I continued to grow, I hit some brick walls along the way, places that kept me feeling stuck. There were a few times I felt I'd take 3 steps forward only to fall back a few as well. But always, I was still learning. Still growing.
And while Ah continued to try to prove to me that he'd really changed this time, I still couldn't see what I had hoped to see. Sometimes I was saddened, sometimes I was disappointed, sometimes I was frustrated, and sometimes I really just didn't care! All probably a normal phase of grief, as I came to terms with the realization that my marriage wasn't ever going to be as I'd hoped. I grieved for that dream and I greived through the process of that loss. And still....I continued to grow. And learn.
Today I sit here with more wisdom than I did the day I joined. My "mission" and "determination" are not so strong in the sense that they began. I have more knowledge, understanding, and peace of mind, spirit, and self than when I started this journey.

My AH recently (last week) moved into a house he's renting. He and my oldest son live together now (they were staying with the in laws). My youngest children went to spend the night this past Saturday wanting to see Dad's new house. The next day after watching a show where the parents argued all the time, my daughter informed me that "Dad has beer in his fridge". I wonder if that show reminded her of how our life used to be when we were together? Hmm...... I asked her if she was angry. She asked me "why?" and I said, "Well, if it makes you angry and you want to talk about it, you can." And she replied that she didn't want to talk about it.
My first thought was something negative, of course. However, I did not react in a negative way. I have actually come to realize that I cannot control him, I cannot control his drinking, I am powerless!!!!! Yes, we read that here alot - but I've finally come to accept it! (Yeah, me!)

And I sit here now and I am being honest with myself. I have grown and I have learned. I believe that Ah has also grown and he has learned. However, maybe we've just chosen to do differently with what we've learned. But regardless of it all, I know that I'm a different person. I am better. I am healing and my journey continues. And I know that if AH spirals out of control with his drinking, I will survive. And I will protect my children. I will no longer be the quiet victim, I will no longer accept the unacceptable. I will not do it! I will continue to be StandingStrong!

Why did I post this here? Because this is about Relationships & Parenting in relationships. And I know that I am sober! I am no longer under the influence of AH's drinking, I am no longer in the blackout of denial, I am no longer drunk on the chaos that once was my life. I am sober and I'm in recovery! And AH has his own choices to make now.

Thanks for listening!

[journeygal]

Thanks for sharing your journey with us SS. Isn't it nice when we can look back and realize we have made progress? You sound like you're doing very well in your recovery.

Hugs,
JG

[Lorelai]

GOOD FOR YOU STANDING !!!

Your light is definitely on. Once you let that little sliver of light in, little by little, your whole life becomes illuminated. I practically had to put my sunglasses on to read your post. :-)

I'm proud of your accomplishments and your growth. More importantly though, you are proud. And you have every right to be. The best part is that we can keep growing and keep learning. I'm looking forward to that.
Hugs -
L