In Love with a Re-covering alcoholic and CONFUSED!

[yankeegirl13]

Hi, I am new here and really could use some advice in understanding the recovery process a little better. My ex- fiancé is a recovering alcoholic. It’s a long story, but I will make it as short as possible. I met him about three years ago. Before I was with him he was into drinking, pills, coke (occasionally), pot, etc. Which is so funny, because I never experienced with any, except for drinking occasionally. When we got together he changed completely. The first year or so was great. . Every where we went he told people I was the best thing in his life and if it wasn’t for me he would be dead by now. He was no longer in the bars, doing pills or coke. He would however drink every night at home. I figured since he already cut back on the drinking, I would give him some time to quit all together. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

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We got engaged around a year after we started dating. Not to long after we got engaged he stopped working. From that moment, everything slowly started to fall apart. It was promise after promise with the drinking and everything else. I loved him and believed in him so much I really thought things were going to get better. Every time he would slow down, he would drink more the next time. He was up to drinking a pint of rum a night and some beers. Everywhere and anywhere we went he had to drink before, during, and after. He still wasn’t working either. Eventually we started arguing a lot. Him being bipolar didn’t help much either. We promised if we ever got into a fight we would never go below the belt…and we ended up doing exactly that. I felt mentally abused at times. I eventually started saying mean things back to him when he was drinking.<o:p></o:p>

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I would say the last three months of our relationship really got bad. My family and friends were telling me I looked miserable and I wasn’t the same person any more. I really wasn’t either. He started taking xanax daily and changed completely. Eventually we broke up three months (this past August) before the wedding and I called it off. I wasn’t happy that I called it off, because till this day I am still in love with him, but I just couldn’t see living my life the way I was living it. <o:p></o:p>

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Since the break-up we have been on/off up until New Years. That is when he finally hit rock bottom and stopped drinking. He entered the hospital for about a week. I was there everyday to see him. We told each other everyday that we loved each other very much. I told him I would stay by his side always. After he got out of the hospital and starting attending an outpatient program and AA meetings he totally changed!!!! He was not the same person I once new. He didn’t want anything to do with me. He would barely call me or want to see me. I was extremely hurt and confused. I know that you are not suppose to start a relationship until after a year of being sober, but we were practically back together. I wasn’t a bad influence on him at all. If anything I begged him not to drink. I was not an enabler. <o:p></o:p>

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We still talk several times a week, but it is very different. At times he is very mean to me on the phone and I end up crying and we hang up. Then he will call back and apologize and say that he just don’t know what to do. He still thinks that his drinking was not the cause of us braking up. He says I was too controlling. (It wasn’t that I was controlling, I just didn’t want him to be around people or places that would influence him to use drugs or drink more than he was. I didn’t want to be like that, I was just trying to keep him out of trouble. ) One minute he is nice to me, the next minute he is not. We both still love each other and miss each other. However, he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a relationship right now. I told him that is fine; just don’t push me out of his life. He insists that he is not doing that, but he really is. He never wants to see me any more or even let me drop him off/pick him up at AA meetings. If he still loves me and misses me, why is he doing this? Is this all part of the process? When will he realize that he was the cause of about 98% of our relationship problems? How do I know what step he is on? He has only been sober for about 3 ½ months. All I have been asking him is to let me be a part of his life, not a relationship though. I just want to let the past be the past and start over. I just want to be able to still talk to him and do things here or there. Am I asking too much? I still love him and care about him. I just can’t seem to let go as much as I try to. I don’t know what else to do. CONFUSED!!!!!!<o:p></o:p>

[CodeMaster]

Its funny because I can tell you since I am about a week or two past your experience. Your story is typical, as is mine and I thought mine was unique. If you read around this forum more, check out other threads, you can find stories that sound like they are talking about YOU.

My ex has done the same to me. The only times I've heard of this not happening was when the person recovered by other means then AA. I dont know what it is about AA but this is the typical story.

If you watch the movie, "When a man loves a woman", you will find your role as the man is very accurate, so accurate its scary.

My ex, after all the love and just other week saying she loves me with ALL HER HEART, even sending me text message saying the sweetest things in the world, has completly died.

I dont like to say this because it is the thing I do not like to do the most, which is take away peoples hope. But for your own protection, I have to say, you have to start protecting yourself and believe it or not let him go. Assume he died, because even though his body is here, his soul has been sucked dry and you will see this if you continue to pursue him. He is not the man you loved, that man has already gone, the new person is worst.

You'd think, go to hospital (AA), get fixed and live happily ever after. I certainly did, but what nobody told or warned me about was its actually go to AA and prepare for the worst crash in your relationship.

I can only try to guess what goes through the mind of the addict, possibly after say 10 years of drinking (my ex), to stop and become sober has started a process of a few years of "hang over" and they will not be the same for years. Not to mention the "13th step" (in case you dont know, they lose all sexual drive for an variable extended period of time, sometimes for years.) But you wont need to worry about that, because the person you loved is gone, the new person, no matter how much love or ration you try to give, will not be able to hear you.

Soon enough, this person will not even know who you are.

I dont know what happened, I dont think its right, I've been burned pretty badly but out of ALLLLLLLLLL of my research and studying the research of those who have been intensely trying to understand this for a much longer period then myself, the only conclusion you will find is to start to protect yourself and leave.

Dont take this lost of love personally, something is very wrong with either AA or the addicts mind itself. In my opinion, I think its AA.

Learn much more about this entire ordeal, learn much more about yourself, learn from your mistakes, and in the future, learn to avoid meeting anyone that shows the signs of an addict (you will be able to learn the signs if you continue to study everything that just happened to you).

I hate to say this, and just last night I was still in tears. The person who I knew has died, and just left me in pieces. I can only be grateful I did not marry this person or have their kids, as they wouldve blindly left the entire family, almost gladly.

[Gabe]

Yankee, no one's story is "typical". We all live through recovery with our loved ones in different ways. And yes, sometimes the total focus on drugs and/or alcohol shifts to a total focus on recovery. And we get left feeling as unimportant in recovery as we did while they were active.
This isn't the way all addicts approach recovery, it's the way some addicts approach recovery.
As for those of us who love them, we need to focus on what will make our lives better.
As long as the focus stays on them, whether they are active, or in recovery, we are not on our own roads to healing.
AA is not something set up to steal our loved ones from us.
AA does not promote infidelity, or total detachment from loved ones.
AA is a program of recovery.
If people abuse it, and do things with it that were not intended by AA, that should not be a reflection on AA itself.

[CodeMaster]

Originally Posted by Gabe

Yankee, no one's story is "typical". We all live through recovery with our loved ones in different ways. And yes, sometimes the total focus on drugs and/or alcohol shifts to a total focus on recovery. And we get left feeling as unimportant in recovery as we did while they were active.
This isn't the way all addicts approach recovery, it's the way some addicts approach recovery.
As for those of us who love them, we need to focus on what will make our lives better.
As long as the focus stays on them, whether they are active, or in recovery, we are not on our own roads to healing.
AA is not something set up to steal our loved ones from us.
AA does not promote infidelity, or total detachment from loved ones.
AA is a program of recovery.
If people abuse it, and do things with it that were not intended by AA, that should not be a reflection on AA itself.

Please know, I did not say her story was "typical" to insult, but to express many are going through her exact situation so she should not feel alone and also to express many are trying to figure out exactly what she is seeking.

I dont care if my stories typical, it actually makes me feel better, I'm not the only one who has gone through it and wonder what happened.

I felt the same way when I came here CodeMaster. There were so many similar stories. Many people come here and their first experience is the feeling that they are not alone any longer.

Welcome yankeegirl13,

I think acceptance is more important than understanding. It sounds like you are working on acceptance. We do go through a period of grief when we start coming out of the denial of our situation. I'm sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now.

Hugs,
MG

[CodeMaster]

I'd like to take back my advice.... I am too inexperienced to give such advice, and I'm realizing each instance, even though the story may seem similar, is actually very unique. Please keep hope, and seek your answer a lot more...

[journeygal]

Hi Codemaster,

I understand the frustration you feel. While there may be similarities to our stories, no one will respond or react to each situation in the same exact way. Your feeling is that AA was not good for your relationship and you are entitled to those feelings. I personally think AA is a good program.

Sometimes when we enter into a relationship with an active drinker or addict and that person stops drinking or using, the dynamics of the relationship change completely, and it generally has nothing to do with the recovery program and everything to do with the person trying to live a completely new life, clean and sober, one that may not gel well with old people, places, and things. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or us, it's just that things change when people change and substances are removed from the equation.

Yankeegirl, you remind me a lot of myself when I first found recovery. I never thought I was controlling either, I just wanted to keep my husband safe and thought I knew which friends he should keep and where he should hang out. When he went into recovery, I wanted to be included in on every little aspect - meetings, working the steps, his sponsor, etc. But eventually, I realized I was being controlling. I wanted too much and was asking for too much. I thought by being a part of his recovery, I could help him stay clean. But his recovery is his responsibility, his life to live, not mine.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. You may want to check out some al-anon meetings. It's good to be around people who have been where you are.

Take care,
JG

[Kahlia]

I have found in my own recovery that most people "do not know me anymore". That is the BIG response I get....I totally agree-they do not. I am a completely different person, I had NO idea who I was when I was using. After going through extensive treatment-93 days....I realized just how sick I was. I have been recovering from it for 4 years and have just now learned that NO program made me change, it was me that used the program.....I utilized the tools they gave me and changed me. I am a much happeir, well adjusted perosn but all the people that tried to fix me were barking up the wrong tree.....nobody can fix anybody else. I would suggest you work on you......you do have a life, too. I really, FIRMLY believe that we attach ourselves to addicts and alsoholics as a means of making ourselves feel like we are doing something important. We are THERE for them when they cannot be there for themselves.....NOPE. We are being co-dependant....I have come to love that word. We try and control when they drink, how much they use...it is a worthless endeavor. I really do know from experience that my ex was like "What happened to you?" I happened to me...I found out who I really was and it was not the person he thought...I did him a FAVOR by getting away from him. He still will call and ask me if I am 'better' yet???? He does not get it....never will. I explained to him that it has NOTHING to do with him...a light bulb came on for me and I changed the light...I hope you get youself some help...sorry for rambling...this is a very touchy subject of mine.... Blessings to you.....Kahlia

[CodeMaster]

Originally Posted by Kahlia

I have found in my own recovery that most people "do not know me anymore". That is the BIG response I get....I totally agree-they do not. I am a completely different person, I had NO idea who I was when I was using. After going through extensive treatment-93 days....I realized just how sick I was. I have been recovering from it for 4 years and have just now learned that NO program made me change, it was me that used the program.....I utilized the tools they gave me and changed me. I am a much happeir, well adjusted perosn but all the people that tried to fix me were barking up the wrong tree.....nobody can fix anybody else. I would suggest you work on you......you do have a life, too. I really, FIRMLY believe that we attach ourselves to addicts and alsoholics as a means of making ourselves feel like we are doing something important. We are THERE for them when they cannot be there for themselves.....NOPE. We are being co-dependant....I have come to love that word. We try and control when they drink, how much they use...it is a worthless endeavor. I really do know from experience that my ex was like "What happened to you?" I happened to me...I found out who I really was and it was not the person he thought...I did him a FAVOR by getting away from him. He still will call and ask me if I am 'better' yet???? He does not get it....never will. I explained to him that it has NOTHING to do with him...a light bulb came on for me and I changed the light...I hope you get youself some help...sorry for rambling...this is a very touchy subject of mine.... Blessings to
you.....Kahlia

Those people "barking up the wrong tree" were people whom you expressed you love and in return loved you too, when someone is sick, a loving response is to help in anyway possible. If you feel insulted by this, you dont understand love.

You said you firmly believe we attach ourselves to an addict to make ourselves feel important. Well, I will tell you I had NO CLUE my ex was an addict from the very first day I met her. Its not like I went around saying to myself, I wish to find an addict or a person in need. I simply fell in love with her, I only recently discovered she had this disease.

The person asking if your better may not get it, as I will probably never understand the mind of an addict, but what you dont get is these people who were around you were only trying to help to their best abilities. If they helped wrong, then maybe you just get that they were doing this all for love, and you dont want it, you throw it to the floor by "changing your light bulb" and without regards to their feelings, you saying your doing them a "FAVOR" by leaving.

Well, I will say I still dont understand an addicts mind based on your reply, but I will agree with you on one thing. You did do him a "FAVOR" whether he realizes it or not. Imagine having childrein with an addict like yourself, you'd do him a favor in the long run when your mind decides to flip bulbs and abondon the entire family and kids. Not to mention the kids may suffer this disease as well and bring a long lasting hardship for the person whom just wanted to care for you.

If you've forgotten, caring for someone is a loving thing to do, and there are still good loving people out there.

I am glad your happy now, thats all that matters to you I know. Cheers

[CodeMaster]

Originally Posted by journeygal

Hi Codemaster,

I understand the frustration you feel. While there may be similarities to our stories, no one will respond or react to each situation in the same exact way. Your feeling is that AA was not good for your relationship and you are entitled to those feelings. I personally think AA is a good program.

Sometimes when we enter into a relationship with an active drinker or addict and that person stops drinking or using, the dynamics of the relationship change completely, and it generally has nothing to do with the recovery program and everything to do with the person trying to live a completely new life, clean and sober, one that may not gel well with old people, places, and things. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or us, it's just that things change when people change and substances are removed from the equation.

Yankeegirl, you remind me a lot of myself when I first found recovery. I never thought I was controlling either, I just wanted to keep my husband safe and thought I knew which friends he should keep and where he should hang out. When he went into recovery, I wanted to be included in on every little aspect - meetings, working the steps, his sponsor, etc. But eventually, I realized I was being controlling. I wanted too much and was asking for too much. I thought by being a part of his recovery, I could help him stay clean. But his recovery is his responsibility, his life to live, not mine.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. You may want to check out some al-anon meetings. It's good to be around people who have been where you are.

Take care,
JG

My initial expression against AA was really just an expression out of anger / bitterness. As I'm understanding everything more, I am no longer really standing by my comments on AA. I am seeing it is the very individuals themselves, not so much AA, but whether its AA or the individual is becoming more and more irrelavant. What really matters is for those affected, both the addicts and those around, to learn more about this disease and more about themselves to become even more self aware of who they are. Knowing yourself is truly the key to growing and I believe helps each individual find their destiny and purpose on this Earth.

[yankeegirl13]

Originally Posted by CodeMaster

My initial expression against AA was really just an expression out of anger / bitterness. As I'm understanding everything more, I am no longer really standing by my comments on AA. I am seeing it is the very individuals themselves, not so much AA, but whether its AA or the individual is becoming more and more irrelavant. What really matters is for those affected, both the addicts and those around, to learn more about this disease and more about themselves to become even more self aware of who they are. Knowing yourself is truly the key to growing and I believe helps each individual find their destiny and purpose on this Earth.

CodeMaster,

I think I would have to agree with you initial expression of AA. I know this is all new to me, but almost every person I know who has gone through the program or has known someone who has gone through the program has chganed completely. I know some feel it was for the better, but others feel it was for the worse.

Like I said, I still talk to my ex a few times a week, but he is VERY different. Half the time he is mean and very arrogant. He is not the same fun, caring, sweet, sympathetic person that he once was. He doesn't smile or even laugh any more. At times I still wish he was drinking, just so I could have the person I fell in love with back. I know that he is going through a difficult time right now. It is a big change for him and I am accepting that. The thing that I am having a hard time accepting is him pushing me away. He insist that he is not but he really is. Still not sure why. When he was in the hospital back in late December he told someone there right in front of me that he had to get help and stop drinking because he didn't want to loose me again, and that he loved me too much. Then a week later, as soon as he started AA he didn't want nothing to do with me. Like I said before, I wasn't an enabler at all. If anything I begged him not to drink. Anytime I ask him to hang out or let me take him to a meeting he always makes up some excuse. He constanly says that he is very busy. Not sure how that is possible because he still is not working. All he does is go to a couple of meetings a day. He told me that he thinks of me all day and doesn't know what to do. SO why not let me be a part of his life? The problems that we once had are no longer there. but he doesn't realize that. He still believes that his drinking had nothing to do with us breaking up. At times I feel he has a lot of hositilty against me because I ended things. Even though I ended things, we never really left each others lives, I just had to call off the wedding because it was getting close. But I think if I didn't end things he wouldn't be where he is today...in AA. All I know is I stood be his side for two years when he had nothing and I did so because I believed in him and loved him. You'd think that him being ten years older than me, he would have his act together. I guess this whole thing bothers me so much becasue all I ever wanted was for him to stop drinking. And now that he did, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life. He went to an AA retreat (not sure what they do there) this weekend. he said to me, "Maybe this retreat willbe good for me. Maybe when I come back I will want to see you and talk to you more". However, I think when he gets back his attitude will be worse than what it was. I just have that feeling when he gets home tomorrow he won't even call like he said he was going to and that is going to HURT.
It's quite funny, because deep down I know that I do NOT want to live this kind of life. So many people tell me that I am still young and need to move on with my life because he is not for me. Part of me knows this, but at the same time, I just can't let go. I love him too much!

Thanks for sharing your story with me CodeMaster. Good to know that there are others out there that experience some of the same things.

[journeygal]

Yankeegirl,

AA is not the problem. AA has not changed your ex into this angry, mean, arrogant person. The person you know and love was tainted by alcohol abuse. Now, he no longer has alcohol in his life. He is probably experiencing a lot of anger, guilt, shame, remorse, etc - feelings he used liquor to numb and try to hide for years. He is still very early in recovery and it will take a while for him to feel normal and to be able to relate to those around him without using alcohol as a buffer.

You said that all the problems you had are now gone b/c he stopped drinking. My guess is that those problems are still there. Alcohol is not the cause, but a symptom of the real underlying issues. My husband and I couldn't begin to deal with our real issues until he stopped using. His using was his way of trying to escape the realities of life. Once the drug was gone, we had no choice but to start facing the real problems in our relationship.

The hostility and anger he has has nothing to do with you. As I said, early recovery is hard and it will take an extensive period of recovery before he will start to feel "normal". In the meantime, try not to take his behavior personally.

Take care,
JG

[CodeMaster]

Originally Posted by journeygal

Yankeegirl,

The hostility and anger he has has nothing to do with you. As I said, early recovery is hard and it will take an extensive period of recovery before he will start to feel "normal". In the meantime, try not to take his behavior personally.

Take care,
JG

This is true, but lets be clear and not get a false sense of hope because its hope like this leads those around the A's to get burned even more when they should really stop getting hurt.

Lets also be clear what extensive period of time really probably is, from my research from reputable articles, its a big IF they get back to normal, not an absolute WHEN.

If your willing to accept this life style of throwing away years to deal with a person who will claim they HAVE TO BE SELFISH (even if it means cheating on you) to "RECOVER" then you can stay with the A. Else its time to really wake up, smell the coffee and find someone who isnt so damaged by drugs. The damages are real, brain damage, lack of maturity growth since using, body damages, the time it takes to heal, IF they can heal, maybe a life time.

[CodeMaster]

Originally Posted by yankeegirl13

CodeMaster,

I think I would have to agree with you initial expression of AA. I know this is all new to me, but almost every person I know who has gone through the program or has known someone who has gone through the program has chganed completely. I know some feel it was for the better, but others feel it was for the worse.

Like I said, I still talk to my ex a few times a week, but he is VERY different. Half the time he is mean and very arrogant. He is not the same fun, caring, sweet, sympathetic person that he once was. He doesn't smile or even laugh any more. At times I still wish he was drinking, just so I could have the person I fell in love with back. I know that he is going through a difficult time right now. It is a big change for him and I am accepting that. The thing that I am having a hard time accepting is him pushing me away. He insist that he is not but he really is. Still not sure why. When he was in the hospital back in late December he told someone there right in front of me that he had to get help and stop drinking because he didn't want to loose me again, and that he loved me too much. Then a week later, as soon as he started AA he didn't want nothing to do with me. Like I said before, I wasn't an enabler at all. If anything I begged him not to drink. Anytime I ask him to hang out or let me take him to a meeting he always makes up some excuse. He constanly says that he is very busy. Not sure how that is possible because he still is not working. All he does is go to a couple of meetings a day. He told me that he thinks of me all day and doesn't know what to do. SO why not let me be a part of his life? The problems that we once had are no longer there. but he doesn't realize that. He still believes that his drinking had nothing to do with us breaking up. At times I feel he has a lot of hositilty against me because I ended things. Even though I ended things, we never really left each others lives, I just had to call off the wedding because it was getting close. But I think if I didn't end things he wouldn't be where he is today...in AA. All I know is I stood be his side for two years when he had nothing and I did so because I believed in him and loved him. You'd think that him being ten years older than me, he would have his act together. I guess this whole thing bothers me so much becasue all I ever wanted was for him to stop drinking. And now that he did, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life. He went to an AA retreat (not sure what they do there) this weekend. he said to me, "Maybe this retreat willbe good for me. Maybe when I come back I will want to see you and talk to you more". However, I think when he gets back his attitude will be worse than what it was. I just have that feeling when he gets home tomorrow he won't even call like he said he was going to and that is going to HURT.
It's quite funny, because deep down I know that I do NOT want to live this kind of life. So many people tell me that I am still young and need to move on with my life because he is not for me. Part of me knows this, but at the same time, I just can't let go. I love him too much!

Thanks for sharing your story with me CodeMaster. Good to know that there are others out there that experience some of the same things.

WOW, your story is the same as mine. Thank you for sharing. I've actually thought long and hard about this, and I know you love and miss him but thats probably because you guys are distance. So all the negatives of him are forgotten, and you see the love bright and clear. When the negatives cover up the love, that is what can drive you away.

In any case, long story short, as you may already know, I find the A's lack of ability to keep her word, keep a decision, or careless to constantly hurt those around, quite disgusting. Not to mention, the 13th step has hit. The mentality is often times childish because their emotional maturity stops developing when they start using, so if they started when they were 16 (like mine), they are still 16 in the head and that explains a lot. Their whole body and mind has been damaged, and its going to be a long way to go for them.

Anyhow, I've been disgusted by this person. When I went out last night I saw so many beautiful people and I felt attractive and people flirted with me. I started to wonder WTF am I doing all this for a girl who isnt even that good looking anymore.

Your young, you have to really ask yourself if this "new person" who gets arrogant and boastful (mine does too) is actually a disgusting person or not? You have to decide if you can close your book with the person and move forward to a sane, healthier, happier (at least happier without drugs to add on top of normal relationship problems) and free and bright future.

My feelings for my ex has converted from broken heart to longing this fantasy ideal of her to disgust after seeing her in person and seeing her character.

I went out this weekend a lot, it was quite an eye opener. I'm making new friends, initiating to contacting old ones or even initiating to make new friends period. I see each person I talk to as an opportunity for friendship, and I try to reach out to them instead of waiting around for people to make friends with you cause that usually doesnt happen. I call to talk to people, and soon enough, your being invited to places, your seeing THEIR network of friends, and your going out to seeing the large world it really is and there are wonderful people out there who's souls havent been taken by their disease.

One admirable strong mother on craigslist describe this disease as a life taker, sucking dry their very souls from them.

If you stop to think clearly as much as possible, and look, you'll see, the new person, if this is suppose to be the new person, isnt a better person then before. Matter fact, this new person is disgusting on all fronts. But what you really need to see is their souls and the very person you loved is already gone from this Earth.

The person that just woke up is likly a very immature person in every way, sometimes probably thinking your the enemy as a teenage kid may think of their loving parents. Its only later when they grow up they understand... your husbands mentality state is way underdeveloped you see... and his soul has already been killed by this very disease. Its a LIFE TAKER.

Would you like to have kids with this man who may make your children suffer this disease? Not to mention, what happens when this man's as one A here said "light bulb swtiches" and he decides to leave you? He'll even say he's doing you a favor...

You'd never be able to forgive yourself for staying with an addict.

I wish you the best.

CodeMaster,

You have a better take on this then you did when you first got here, but you still have blinders on.

I don't think you know enough yet to be making those claims about A's. I hang out with recovering addicts every day here and they are the most wonderful people I have ever met. You've only been hanging out with one and you are basing your opinions on one experience.

There are recovering addicts who I think are wonderful and recovering addicts I don't care for. Just like the rest of life and the people in it.

You wouldn't even be posting here if one wonderful recovering addict didn't decide to open a message forum to help others.

It's always dangerous to make generalizations. That's what creates discrimination and prejudice.

[mittmet33]

Originally Posted by journeygal

Hi Codemaster,

I understand the frustration you feel. While there may be similarities to our stories, no one will respond or react to each situation in the same exact way. Your feeling is that AA was not good for your relationship and you are entitled to those feelings. I personally think AA is a good program.

Sometimes when we enter into a relationship with an active drinker or addict and that person stops drinking or using, the dynamics of the relationship change completely, and it generally has nothing to do with the recovery program and everything to do with the person trying to live a completely new life, clean and sober, one that may not gel well with old people, places, and things. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or us, it's just that things change when people change and substances are removed from the equation.

Yankeegirl, you remind me a lot of myself when I first found recovery. I never thought I was controlling either, I just wanted to keep my husband safe and thought I knew which friends he should keep and where he should hang out. When he went into recovery, I wanted to be included in on every little aspect - meetings, working the steps, his sponsor, etc. But eventually, I realized I was being controlling. I wanted too much and was asking for too much. I thought by being a part of his recovery, I could help him stay clean. But his recovery is his responsibility, his life to live, not mine.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. You may want to check out some al-anon meetings. It's good to be around people who have been where you are.

Take care,
JG

While I agree that recovery is his responsibility and his life to live, I don't agree that someone who loves someone shouldn't be involved in the meetings and in the recovery process. I don't think that is being controlling. I think it is being supportive. Of course, you can't be involved in every aspect of their recovery - but you can't be involved in every aspect of anyone's life. It is humanly impossible. I agree you can't enable them, but you sure can be there for them.

[journeygal]

Hi Mittmet and welcome.

I agree that being supportive is very important and that we need to be there for our addicts and alcoholics during the recovery process. But there is a fine line between being supportive and being controlling. If Jack says to me, "I'm going to a meeting, can you give me a ride?" I would drive him in a second and I often have. However, if Jack is laying around the house and I go up to him and say, "Honey, you haven't been to a meeting in a few days - can I drive you to one", then I'm being controlling. That's mainly the point I was trying to make. They have to want recovery for themselves. They have to take the initiative, work the steps, call their sponsors, etc. Once they do, we can help them along the way, as long as we aren't doing something for them that they should be doing for themselves.

Orginally posted by CodeMaster
You'd never be able to forgive yourself for staying with an addict

Wow, I'm sure glad I've forgiven myself for staying with Jack and my mom forgave herself for staying with my dad. They've been married 38 years. My dad has been sober for the past 14. They have a very peaceful marriage. My dad went to AA and my mom went to al-anon.

Jack and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have had our struggles and he's been in and out of recovery. He's been clean now for over two months. We have a beautiful 3-week old son and we are both in the recovery and healing process. Sometimes relationships work, sometimes they don't. But no matter what happens with us, I will never regret loving or staying with him.