in recovery, no sex, it matters because??

[utopia]

how do i feel lately?

things are quiet and fine but i feel somethings amiss.
i want a healthy committed relationship
i want a sexual exchange with another man i desire, whom desires me.
i want to open my mind with someone intimately. experience new things.

it used to be a desperate craving until recovery and then it became a dull ache, and now its a distorted hum that fades away. as refreshing as it was to have that insatiable yearning curbed and to feel a real sense of self, an independent me, my body and mind still want love. intimate love.

it is solace to have gods love, and friends and family, what a blessing. but i believe in balance in my relationships, i want as much give and receive, as much focus with all relationships as well as my times of play, work, spirituality, exercise and so on.

i feel that a part of me has lost its spirit and is dying. that without that sexual instigation, parts of my body are dead. that without romance of any level ive become distant and unaware.

its been sooo long, that i cant be sure of what i really desire, how id really act, what id really do, how long its actually been since. life is plodding along smoothly and this isnt a search for chaos but life does seem rather oatmeal-porridge flavoutat the moment... i once heard and believed that the key to happy life was a healthy mind and lots of spice.

i rarely hear much about sex in meetings. i feel that im just not interested in anoyone who desires me but always lust after unattainable men or consider those that are obviously not right for me.

all in gods time i suppose
amen

[journeygal]

Yes Utopia, all in God's time.

You mention being comforted by having God's love and friends and family but what about self-love? (and I don't mean, uh, the physical kind. ) Are you comfortable with just being you? Do you have enough spice in your life by pursuing goals and dreams that bring you happiness? I think passion and excitement, like so many other emotions, need to come from within. While sex with someone you care about can be a wondrous and amazing thing, so can so many other things in life. A happy life, a healthy mind, and lots of spice is so much more than just sex.

Just my $.02.

[liveweyerd]

I stayed celibate for a long time, but never intended to live my life that way. I also followed the advice of staying in the women's only recovery groups/sections.

I wanted to wait until I became healthy enough to make healthier choices so that when I did re-enter the world of a relationship I would have a happier, healthier experience and a better chance at success with it.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

I wanted to wait until I became healthy enough to make healthier choices so that when I did re-enter the world of a relationship I would have a happier, healthier experience and a better chance at success with it.

This is EXACTLY why.

Very well put.

-pedagogue

ps. btw...liveweyerd, how's it going?

[utopia]

i do have self love, and i think the physicalkindis important, im not ashamed to admit it, how else do u get thru the secret struggles of chastity!

i like my appearance, i have some days where i wane but overall i do love me.

i just pray god grants me patience to wait when he knows that it is right time then enter stage left mr ???

at least am blessed to sometimes feel good without too

[ggnewme]

I'm sorry, I am kind of new to all this, and haven't heard any kind of no-sex rule in recovery before here or in Al-Anon.... is there some kind of guideline for this? Where are you getting this, or is it a collective/personal choice? And how long into recovery? Surely the point isn't to withold sex as some kind of ultimatum - I have never done that before, although I'm sure that plenty of women believe this is a good tool and "works" to get their agendas met.

I'm assuming it's about giving yourself time and space to figure out what's really true in the relationship without the "cloud" of sex, but, just curious.... thanks all in advance for your openess on this topic.

[alyssamichelle]

Originally Posted by ggnewme

I'm assuming it's about giving yourself time and space to figure out what's really true in the relationship without the "cloud" of sex, but, just curious.... thanks all in advance for your openess on this topic.

Yes, that is precisely it. We are so good at getting out of ourselves when we want/need to and I think that the word "Cloud" of sex fits it appropriately. Although, in the beginning stages of my recovery, I did not abstain from sex and I learned why they suggest we do. I fell into a "I only feel normal when I'm having sex" mode and that is old behavior for me. I am an addict and I can get addicted to anything that makes me feel good.

[pedagogue]

Withholding sex (or having sex) really isn't about the other person...it is about yourself. You need to be in control of yourself, before you can introduce someone else into your life. If you can control yourself, then you might be able to start a relationship. It is just like the: get a plant, get a fish/animal, get a date, etc. You need to ease into it.

-pedagogue

[Evanna]

I would say that it is normal to miss sex and physical intimacy. I know that feeling of feeling disassociated from ones self as a sexual being too. In the past i have found gym work really helps me feel connected with my physical self. Working out can help you reconnect with your own body and its power.

[Beautiful]

I'm married to an alcoholic. While sex was magical before he fell off of the wagon, it doesn't exist anymore. It used to bother me, but I found that it was control on his part that made him withhold emotions, sex, working.......

That old saying: Men give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love.

Until you're empowered, sex for any reason clouds judgments.

[Scorpio007]

Utopia, I understand and felt all of your feelings involving sex. I was celibate for 3 yrs. During those three years I was wounded from the separation of a marriage. I had no desire to be with anyone. I don't no, maybe cause of fear or whatever the case may be I wanted no contact. Before going into celibacy I had sex with my husband while we were separated, I was so pained up I couldn't feel a thing no enjoyment what so ever.

I also agree with, when you are ready when you worked on issue in your life you will be blessed.I did some work while being celibate only how to relate in a relationship. I did no work on healing the woulded women or child within. I eventually repeated the same thing that got me in the mess in the begining. Now I find myself using sex as a band aide, I find myself wanting to medicate my feelings through sex something I haven't done in a while.

If you done the work you are going to be OK a healthy person is coming your way you will be able to enjoy a harmonious relationship emotionally physically and spiritually just wait and see. Those are your true feelings Utopia you feel what you feel nothing is wrong with what you are feeling.

[Scorpio007]

Utopia, I understand and felt all of your feelings involving sex. I was celibate for 3 yrs. During those three years I was wounded from the separation of my marriage. I had no desire to be with anyone. I don't no, maybe cause of fear or whatever the case may be I wanted no contact. Before going into celibacy I had sex with my husband while we were separated, I was so pained up I couldn't feel a thing no enjoyment what so ever.

I also agree with, when you are ready when you worked on issue in your life you will attract what you are.I did some work while being celibate only how to relate in a relationship. I did no work on healing the wounded women or child within. I eventually repeated the same thing that got me in the mess in the begining. Now I find myself using sex as a band aide, I find myself wanting to medicate my feelings through sex something I haven't done in a while.

If you done the work you are going to be OK a healthy person is coming your way you will be able to enjoy a harmonious relationship, emotionally, physically and spiritually just wait and see. Those are your true feelings Utopia you feel what you feel nothing is wrong with what you are feeling.

[utopia]

well, thank you al so much for sharing. ithe sex in meetings thing, i mean the talk of sexuality, because its so personal and intmate i guess people arent comfortable talking about it in meetings that much. there is a book on sexual intimacy that is always gathering dust despite frequent mention. maybe gods guiding me to chair a meeting themed on sex and/or sexual intimacy. ive been in recovery for well over a year, and my growth has astounded me but here is always another mountain to climb, another sunset to adore, and more lessons to learn.

ive often feared talking about sex myself in and out of meetings. because sex has bascially no control over how you react to it, i mean the sounds you make and the faces you pull. ive often been having sex and been thinking the whole time, ok so you groan like this here and pull this sort of face there and i dont feel that freedom that i think sex should bring, the needing to worry about how im perceived is magnified when im naked and engaged in such an intimate physical act where i have bestowed my physical self at least if not other aspects to another human being. ive often wanted to throw alanon books about sex into the flames and say no i dont think well be dealing with that today but now im ready to look.

ok so i think the message is maybe that i should chair a meeting on sexual intercourse itself. i think it is recovery related because even though it was years ago anow, the last time i did it i played the role too much of someone who was just not me, i couldnt go to the other extreme either and have complete sexual abandon. what is sex like for people here? have they had similar experiences of strike-apose moments in the bedroom? is this people pleasing or high uncomfortability with m physical appearance or post sex abuse flashings. physical and mental/emotional seem to be crying out for different things sometimes.

[Evanna]

Utopia, all i can say about sex in our house is that it is nothing like the movies.

[Kahlia]

I feel you also have to be in a space with yourself to be comfortable with sex. I stayed away from it for a year and it made me realize just how much I was alienated from everyone.....that was just me. I now am very happy with me and reeally do not need sex to prove anything....it is a physical emotion and a good one. It is good if two people really get each other...so far, I have not found that and am not looking, it will just happen....Kahlia.......Movies are also good at my house.....I have popcorn, too.....

[Tom M]

Utopia and everyone thanks for the posts on this topic.!
I don't think there ia right or wrong answer as to how sex will affect your recovery.
I know in AA it's suggested that you don't get into a relationship for at least a year.
I personally haven't had much sex since I have been in recovery. I haven't met the right person yet and I seem to be more selective and maybe even cautious now.
There was a time when I had sex on a regular basis with many girls. I was actually addicted to sex.
Now here I am with almost 2 1/2 years of sobriety and I don't have a million girls around me.
I just want to make one point here and that is, I am not posting this info to try and pick up any girls out there.
I think what is really happening with a lot of us is that we are trying to make positive changes in our life. That might just mean stepping back for a while and concentrating on our recovery. I believe the only person holding me back from anything is myself.
When the time is right, I will meet the person I can start a relationship with.
Hopeful, that will be soon.!