Things I've learned - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

abtchonamission · 03-20-2005, 09:12 AM

I thought that this would be the best place to put this. It's a bit of an update of what I've learned about making things in my relationship (me codie/him recovering addict) and a thank you to everyone at SR, because without all of you, I don't think I'd have learned any of the things that make this work for me.

When I found out that Mike was in active addiction I thought I'd be able to fix everything, and as we all know, I couldn't have been more wrong. I did ALL the things that don't work. He went to jail in January 2004, and the enforced clean time gave him time to think about what he was doing with his life, and he made a lot of tough changes. He came home on bond March 2004. I had made no changes. I still did all the things I'd been doing, but things got worse because there was really no reason at that time other than my lack of trust.

Then I found SR. I learned that I had to make some changes too. I learned that I needed people here, and that I needed to go to face to face meetings. I learned about detaching, boundaries, acceptance, denial, enabling, empowerment, enmeshment, validation, and countless other things. More importantly, I learned how to use them in my life.

I learned that when Mike does something that I feel upset about, that I need to take a closer look at it to find my part in it. I learned that when someone else does something that Mike and I are on differing side about, I need to take a look at what is truly important to me, what is truly important to him, and where we can find a place that we agree upon. I've learned that no matter how much I want to blame so many, many things on him 200% - that I have a part in it too, and need to own it. I've learned that when I can't seem to figure out my part in it, I can come here, share about what I can't figure out, and there will be all kinds of different views on it to help me figure out what I can't see by myself. I've learned that when I forget all the things that my recovery has taught me, and revert to that old behavior, that I can come here and confess to it and no one is going to tell me I'm as horrible a person as I already feel like I am. Instead I am going to find support, encouragement, love, and strength to help me find my way again.

I'm still in a weird place today. But because of everyone here, I will find my way out of it. I'm grateful today for everyone who has been here every single time I've needed someone - even if it was only to give me a hug. I find that one minute I'm crying because I just don't like me today, and the next I'm crying because someone here has been so nice to me, so understanding of what I'm dealing with (even when it's something small) that I feel good inside for a while. Because of all of you, I know I can get through anything - I don't have to go around it, under it, stop before it, or ignore it - I CAN get THROUGH it. I'm never alone anymore. And I can't thank you all enough.

Love & Hugs,
trisha

journeygal · 03-20-2005, 11:32 AM

(((((Trisha)))))

I think it's great when we can take a step back, acknowledge, and appreciate how far we've come. For me, learning about codependency and ACOA opened up a whole new world of understanding and a way of living I knew nothing about. It took us a long time to get to this point and it will take us even longer to get to where we're trying to go, but knowing our destination and taking the right steps to get there makes the journey worthwhile.

Isn't it wonderful to be part of such a place of healing?

Hugs,
JG

abtchonamission · 03-20-2005, 01:07 PM

Yup, I love being a part of SR. Especially after my f2f meetings. I am very limited here with them...there is an amazing amount of AA and NA support groups in Asheville, but family related support is not very available here. There is no nar-anon, 2 al-anon that are held while I HAVE to be at work, and 1 CoDA, which I attend, but is really not the right group for me, I haven't gotten a lot of what I need there. I go because of the stuff I do get, but I find what I really need, I get here much more often than there. I am trying to get some input from memebers of the NA groups Mike attends to see if they have family or friends that might be interested in a nar-anon group being started. If so, that may be my next goal.

Paulie · 03-20-2005, 06:06 PM

Quote:

I learned that when Mike does something that I feel upset about, that I need to take a closer look at it to find my part in it. I learned that when someone else does something that Mike and I are on differing side about, I need to take a look at what is truly important to me, what is truly important to him, and where we can find a place that we agree upon. I've learned that no matter how much I want to blame so many, many things on him 200% - that I have a part in it too, and need to own it. I've learned that when I can't seem to figure out my part in it, I can come here, share about what I can't figure out, and there will be all kinds of different views on it to help me figure out what I can't see by myself. I've learned that when I forget all the things that my recovery has taught me, and revert to that old behavior, that I can come here and confess to it and no one is going to tell me I'm as horrible a person as I already feel like I am. Instead I am going to find support, encouragement, love, and strength to help me find my way again.

Yep...I have learned that to, not with Mike

, you know what I mean.

My part....sometimes I am a little to quick to look at my part trying to take responsbility for the enitre thing. It is the 'part' part that I need to keep aware of.

Thank you for sharing this, when others share what they learn, it helps me realize and be grateful for all I have learned also.

abtchonamission · 03-20-2005, 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paulie

Yep...I have learned that to, not with Mike , you know what I mean.

I'll give you Mike too, at the low, low, LOW price of $0.00. Since you're a friend and all. He is handy around the house, so long as it isn't MY house.

Paulie · 03-21-2005, 08:33 AM

, I think we just had the same kind of conversation somewhere else

.

Got my own thank you very much.

abtchonamission · 03-21-2005, 08:48 AM

Can't blame me for continuing to try, can you? (It's one of the other personalities, I can't keep track of who I've offered him to!)

Paulie · 03-21-2005, 08:52 AM

abtchonamission · 03-21-2005, 04:16 PM

Okay, okay...how about if I throw in a home-made cheesecake? Lasagna? BOTH???

Paulie · 03-21-2005, 04:32 PM

Sorry....doin the low car thing right now.

good try though

abtchonamission · 03-21-2005, 07:14 PM

I'm runnin' out of bribery here. By they way, I got my cheesecake recipe out of a low-carb cookbook - NO lie!

Paulie · 03-21-2005, 07:55 PM

HMMM, okay, lets see the recipe and then we will talk. LOL

abtchonamission · 03-23-2005, 08:14 AM

Paulie - I'm still figuring out where I PUT the recipe when I moved! As soon as I do, I'll post it.

Paulie · 03-23-2005, 08:29 AM

, you might want to post it on the ED board, others might be interested too.

Thanks.

(but I just want the recipe LOL)

abtchonamission · 03-23-2005, 10:27 AM

It's driving me crazy - it was a little cookbook magazine thing, all low carb recipes - and it had at LEAST 10 different cheesecake recipes...and I can't find it. I'm gonna check a few more places tonight, it's gotta be somewhere.

Paulie · 03-23-2005, 10:36 AM

No biggie, I am sure I can find it out there on the net somewhere. I will look, no biggie. Thanks.

Paulie · 03-23-2005, 10:40 AM

Psst. BOM follow me to ED - I found one.

03-20-2005, 09:12 AM	#1 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	Things I've learned I thought that this would be the best place to put this. It's a bit of an update of what I've learned about making things in my relationship (me codie/him recovering addict) and a thank you to everyone at SR, because without all of you, I don't think I'd have learned any of the things that make this work for me. When I found out that Mike was in active addiction I thought I'd be able to fix everything, and as we all know, I couldn't have been more wrong. I did ALL the things that don't work. He went to jail in January 2004, and the enforced clean time gave him time to think about what he was doing with his life, and he made a lot of tough changes. He came home on bond March 2004. I had made no changes. I still did all the things I'd been doing, but things got worse because there was really no reason at that time other than my lack of trust. Then I found SR. I learned that I had to make some changes too. I learned that I needed people here, and that I needed to go to face to face meetings. I learned about detaching, boundaries, acceptance, denial, enabling, empowerment, enmeshment, validation, and countless other things. More importantly, I learned how to use them in my life. I learned that when Mike does something that I feel upset about, that I need to take a closer look at it to find my part in it. I learned that when someone else does something that Mike and I are on differing side about, I need to take a look at what is truly important to me, what is truly important to him, and where we can find a place that we agree upon. I've learned that no matter how much I want to blame so many, many things on him 200% - that I have a part in it too, and need to own it. I've learned that when I can't seem to figure out my part in it, I can come here, share about what I can't figure out, and there will be all kinds of different views on it to help me figure out what I can't see by myself. I've learned that when I forget all the things that my recovery has taught me, and revert to that old behavior, that I can come here and confess to it and no one is going to tell me I'm as horrible a person as I already feel like I am. Instead I am going to find support, encouragement, love, and strength to help me find my way again. I'm still in a weird place today. But because of everyone here, I will find my way out of it. I'm grateful today for everyone who has been here every single time I've needed someone - even if it was only to give me a hug. I find that one minute I'm crying because I just don't like me today, and the next I'm crying because someone here has been so nice to me, so understanding of what I'm dealing with (even when it's something small) that I feel good inside for a while. Because of all of you, I know I can get through anything - I don't have to go around it, under it, stop before it, or ignore it - I CAN get THROUGH it. I'm never alone anymore. And I can't thank you all enough. Love & Hugs, trisha __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-20-2005, 11:32 AM	#2 (permalink)
journeygal believer Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: walking in faith Posts: 1,030	(((((Trisha))))) I think it's great when we can take a step back, acknowledge, and appreciate how far we've come. For me, learning about codependency and ACOA opened up a whole new world of understanding and a way of living I knew nothing about. It took us a long time to get to this point and it will take us even longer to get to where we're trying to go, but knowing our destination and taking the right steps to get there makes the journey worthwhile. Isn't it wonderful to be part of such a place of healing? Hugs, JG __________________ Whether they find recovery or not, we survive...and then we thrive. ~Gabe

03-20-2005, 01:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	Yup, I love being a part of SR. Especially after my f2f meetings. I am very limited here with them...there is an amazing amount of AA and NA support groups in Asheville, but family related support is not very available here. There is no nar-anon, 2 al-anon that are held while I HAVE to be at work, and 1 CoDA, which I attend, but is really not the right group for me, I haven't gotten a lot of what I need there. I go because of the stuff I do get, but I find what I really need, I get here much more often than there. I am trying to get some input from memebers of the NA groups Mike attends to see if they have family or friends that might be interested in a nar-anon group being started. If so, that may be my next goal. __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-21-2005, 08:33 AM	#6 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	, I think we just had the same kind of conversation somewhere else . Got my own thank you very much. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-21-2005, 08:48 AM	#7 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	Can't blame me for continuing to try, can you? (It's one of the other personalities, I can't keep track of who I've offered him to!) __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-21-2005, 08:52 AM	#8 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	__________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-21-2005, 04:16 PM	#9 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	Okay, okay...how about if I throw in a home-made cheesecake? Lasagna? BOTH??? __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-21-2005, 04:32 PM	#10 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	Sorry....doin the low car thing right now. good try though __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-21-2005, 07:14 PM	#11 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	I'm runnin' out of bribery here. By they way, I got my cheesecake recipe out of a low-carb cookbook - NO lie! __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-21-2005, 07:55 PM	#12 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	HMMM, okay, lets see the recipe and then we will talk. LOL __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-23-2005, 08:14 AM	#13 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	Paulie - I'm still figuring out where I PUT the recipe when I moved! As soon as I do, I'll post it. __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-23-2005, 08:29 AM	#14 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	, you might want to post it on the ED board, others might be interested too. Thanks. (but I just want the recipe LOL) __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-23-2005, 10:27 AM	#15 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,349	It's driving me crazy - it was a little cookbook magazine thing, all low carb recipes - and it had at LEAST 10 different cheesecake recipes...and I can't find it. I'm gonna check a few more places tonight, it's gotta be somewhere. __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-23-2005, 10:36 AM	#16 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	No biggie, I am sure I can find it out there on the net somewhere. I will look, no biggie. Thanks. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-23-2005, 10:40 AM	#17 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,519	Psst. BOM follow me to ED - I found one. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

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