Is this how it goes

[nena409]

My husband has been sober, for the third time, for about a month. During that time my husband has hardly payed any loving attention to me. Every time I go to hug him or touch him he withdraws as if it hurts him. He will not explain to me why. Our relationship, as a whole, is very good but I do not get any loving effection from him lately. It is like he is denighing me of his touch and loving attention. Is this how it goes with recovering alcoholics?? Will it get better or worse? I am emotionally drained.

[ggnewme]

Hi nena409 - welcome to Sober Recovery. No, that does not have to be how it goes, and thigs can and ideally will get a LOT better. 1) come to the Friends and Family forum - it is much more active.
2) more experienced people than I will tell you that sobriety in and of itself will not cure all marital/relationship problems. Counseling individually or as a couple might be necessary.
3) Are you seeking recovery for yourself? Are you reading and attending Al-anon? I have found those resources invaluable.
4) more experienced people will also tell you that early sobriety is a very difficult time for the recovering alcoholic, and they may not have a lot of time to dedicate to anyone or anything else for a while. Along those lines, is he in active recovery? Or did he just quit drinking on his own?

This can be a long and arduous process, but hopefully, we will all be better for coming out alive on the other side of it. Keep reading and posting.

Peace to you....

[journeygal]

Hi Nena and welcome.

Early recovery is hard. Right now your husband is trying to make it a day at a time without drinking. His primary focus is on not picking up that first drink. Eventually things do get better but it takes some time.

Hang in there,
JG

[abtchonamission]

Hi Nena,

I think journeygal has a good point. My A is in recovery too, just got 8 months, and honestly, the intimacy has still not reached the point it was at before recovery, and definitely not where it was before his active addiction. It HAS improved though...just not as much as I'd like. He still has struggles each day with his sobriety, he has more time-consuming committments now than he did before his recovery- he now has meetings to attend, a sponsor to talk to and get together with, he's become involved with cub scouts with our son, and that's another night each week that he has something to take his time, and all of this on top of the committments he already had, like working. He has physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted himself at times. But I've seen an effort in him to change the time he has with me, especially recently.

One of the things that helped me with this, and it may not be what will work for you, was to find little, non-physical ways to re-establish the intimacy...having a little time to ourselves that is not about errands, or kids, or work. Every now and again, I would do something simple like feed Timmy an early dinner, something simple, like mac-n-cheese, and hold off on our dinner until Tim was in bed. Then, I would simply turn on music so that the tv wouldn't get his attention, and we would actually start having conversation over meals again...I guess this isn't the intimacy you were talking about, but it helped us to bring that back. I still do it from time to time, because it's really been a big help for us to have that intimate connection without feeling like physical intimacy was a requirement. And as time passed, he started asking me to lie with him on the couch while he was watching tv so that we could 'snuggle' - and slowly, in his time, we began rebuilding the physical part. I hope that this helps out a little bit, at least.

Hugs,
Trisha

[nena409]

Thank you for all your support. ggnewme, I met my husband ten years ago and two years after he went though recovery for the first time. He started back drinking two years ago and has tried stopping once before now. He is trying to do it on his own without any meetings. I hope he can keep stopped this time. I asked him last night if he had a reason for not wanting to be close with me. He said he did not have a reason. I told him I was going to go to Alanon and he told me he thought I was looking in the wrong place for answers. I hope he get more effectionate. I miss the man I married.

[Chy]

Hi Nena,
As a recovering alcoholic, I can easily say finding intimacy in our relationships can be very difficult once sober. You see we first have to learn to walk in life sober all over again, we have to figure out who we are and find that self-love for ourselves too. Once we can get through a better understanding of our new goals and purposes in life we can then be more grounded to continue in our relationships. Unfortunatly, it's the sober spouse that has to sometimes suffer in feeling inadequate, not wanted. We were selfish when drinking and sometimes more selfish in early sobriety, and not purposefully I might add. Until we can piece together how we're going to function in life. Give it time, be patient, I'm sure with time he'll be able to come to you in a more intimate manner once he begins finding himself again.

[journeygal]

Nena,

What Chy said.

You husband may feel threatened by al-anon so try not to let his response keep you from getting support.

During one of my husband's recovery stints, several months went by before he felt ok enough about himself to start being affectionate and intimate with me again. For some people, intimacy is the first thing to go when they're dealing with a lot of internal struggles. He probably doesn't feel very comfortable discussing it with you either. Try not to take it personally. He's not rejecting you - it has nothing to do with you.

Keep seeking support for yourself so you don't have to deal with things alone.

Hugs,
JG

[nena409]

Thanks for all the info!! I really need it know. How long can I expect this to last. It kills me not to be able to hug or touch him. I am so depressed over this. I am keeping my distance to let him have room to sort it all out. I will not approach him because I am so afraid of rejection. What is the right thing to do???

[Zoey]

I do believe they are miserable and about to jump out of their skin. Sometimes depression sets in and they fear they cannot perform. so if we try to cuddle they feel we are insisting and they are afraid.

You prob do this, but from across the room , give him any light hearted truthful compliment you can, while you have a load of clothes and headed to the laundry. or something so he isn't threatened. Just a thought. You have to go with your gut.
More so when going thru withdrawal they need honest compliments. and nothing about the drinking or the sobriety, I myself would fear saying I am so proud of you not drinking. or proud that you are sober. We shouldn't have to be kind and loving. but they are incapable at times. Recovery is a tough tough road. I feel they so need the AA program. If they fear a HIGHER POWER they can use the group as HP.

Best for you both always clancy46

[Magichappens]

Hi Nena,
The best thing I could do before and after Mr Magic got back into recovery was to get busy with my own recovery and take the focus off the alcoholic. The longer I focussed on him, the worse things got. When I got the support and got active in my own recovery, I was able to allow things to happen in their own time.

There isn't a set time that things get better. I only have the ability to focus on getting better myself. The rest I leave up to God. As I got better, the relationships I had got better. That is how it works for me. Sitting and waiting and focussing on others to get better hasn't helped much in my case. When I got willing to work at recovery, recovery started working for me.

Intimacy is a two way street. I had to realize that my ability to have intimacy had been affected by alcoholism too. Focussing on my own issues was the key to finding intimacy in my life. Hugs, Magic