Need some encouragement tonight

[jordan1980]

I am really down and depressed lately, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I am always just so unhappy. I meet and married my husband when he was an active drinker. He has since got into AA, and has been sober for 16 months now Our marriage just seems to be falling apart, he is never happy,always complaining, and it makes me feel like a piece of crap!! I have talked to him about this but I just dosen't help. He is so DAMN SELFISH. To add to everything our youngest son(20months old) is in the process of being diagnosed with some sort of disorder. I have gone into a depression where I just don't care about anything, I am losing faith in everything. I am worried that my husband disease and recovery, and now my son's illness is going to rip us apart. I feel helpless. Is it possible that since my AH married me an active drinker that now that he is sober and growing spiritually, he has changed so much that we are no longer compatable?What are the odds that we will make it through this? I am so sorry that this post may not even make sense, I am lost, and don't know what to do?

[jessiebug]

Forgive me, as I'm relatively new here, but have you done any work on yourself? Meaning, have you read literature on codependency to see if this applies to you? If so, it would do you a ton of good to pick up "Codependent No More". When we get to entrenched with another life and forget about our own it does so many things to us.
1. It drives us crazy.
2. Our lives become chaotic.
3. We can drive the other person away, because our actions become insane.
4. more, more, more...

I didn't think I had the problem when all of my drama started. It wasn't until my xabf was in recovery that I even heard about codependency. I thought, "What? I don't need anyone else. That's not me!" Boy, was I wrong. Just read up on it a little and see if it fits for you.

I may be way off here, but it couldn't hurt.

[journeygal]

Hi Jordan,

Your husband is not the same person you married. Often when one person goes into recovery, a relationship can fall apart. As Jessie suggests, you might start focusing on yourself and your own recovery. As the spouse of an alcoholic, you have been affected by his drinking and there is some recovering needed for you as well.

Take care,
JG

[jordan1980]

jessie, where can I get this co-dependant no more???

[minnie]

Jordan

Sorry to hear that things aren't so good at the moment. Why not join us on the Friends and Family board as well?

"Codependent no more" is a book by Melody Beattie. You can get a copy in most bookstores, I would imagine or from the Sober Recovery bookstore.

Have you been to al-anon meetings? I would highly recommend them as a way to focus on you, whilst your husband works on himself.

Take care

Minnie
xxx

[Evanna]

Originally Posted by jordan1980

. Is it possible that since my AH married me an active drinker that now that he is sober and growing spiritually, he has changed so much that we are no longer compatable?

Hey Jordon,
It is possible but it is also possible that there are a lot of other things going on here. 16 months although brilliant is really not that long. Recovery is a process and many alcoholics are still struggling to find themselves, to take responsibility and with their own depression at this stage. It has taken me well over 2yrs to start finding my feet in recovery. I am not making excuses for anyone here because i am guessing that you may have made excuses for other peoples behaviour for a long time now. I am simply pointing out that the struggles you are having in your relationship may not have anything to do with lack of compatibility.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate now and need lots of support yourself. I am glad you are here. I hope your little son is okay. My prayers go out to you and your family.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

ps., i replied on your other thread also as i hadnt spotted this one.

[ihelpkids]

Jordan,

Is your husband working a recovery program. From the things you describe he sounds more like a dry drunk than a recovering alcoholic. I know that when I am not working my program I am irritable, depressed, selfish, angry.