Post-AH, Pre-Recovered

[Lorelai]

I asked my ex-AH to leave about six months ago. I was happy. I had worked on my recovery with zeal. I felt free. The choice I made was the right one. I had figured it out.

I've recently started talking to men - not dating, just talking. Stepping my toes into the world of singledom. Taking it slow. I hooked up with my AH when I was 14. That's all the experience I have.

I can see the signs. Even when talking to guys, my "pleasing" mechanism kicks in. What do they want? How can I stroke their ego? What do I say and do to make them think I'm the perfect woman? Dangerous territory.

It's not that I'm pretending to be something I'm not. That's what I am. The one who gives in, gives up, puts my needs and wants to the side. Concentrating on what I can do to make him like me. Assuming that he has no reason to like me unless I can figure out what he wants and give it to him.

I'm not going there again. I want to date. I want to meet people and have a good time. But I want to do it differently this time.

I've figured so much out. I've worked so hard. I don't want to be this woman. I need some help to figure out where to go from here. In other situations, I am so much stronger and so much more empowered. But I've found, when it comes to the opposite sex, I have a long way to go. Help?
L

[journeygal]

Hi L,

I apologize for being so late in responding to this post!

I think you are doing the right thing by taking it slow. How else are you supposed to see the warning signs, from him and from you, and make the appropriate adjustments? There's nothing wrong with who you are. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please someone and make them feel good about themselves. The problem comes in when we lose ourselves in the process. It's all about finding that balance, and I think when we take the time to really get to know a person and see how we are with that person, then we can determine if we like who they really are and if we like who we are when we're with them.

It's ok that you have a ways to go. A lot of codies jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Keep your eyes open and try not to pick up any rose-colored glasses along the way.

Hugs,
JG

[Magichappens]

Hey Lorelai,
I missed you.

Some of the most important lessons I have learned about relationships hasn't come from relationships with the opposite sex. It has come from relationships with people in Al-Anon, especially my sponsor. Learning to seperate intimacy, caring, and friendship from infatuation, sexual attraction, and the security of a man has helped me to learn to be ok in any relationship. It's hard to let someone else know me when I am not able to let them know the REAL me, warts and all. Having a sponsor that knew everything about me, and still loved me ( even more) gave me a security that I was loveable just as I am.

I still have those fears, that I need to impress, offer things to get people to like me, and pretend that things are ok when they're not. But I have gotten a lot better at being me. Those who don't like me are not people I want to be with anyway. Hugs, Magic

[Lorelai]

Thanks JG & Magic.
I'm learning more and more that getting to the point where I can get away from AH and the mental abuse is not the end of this. I have so much more growing to do. I don't know whether my issues are a result of living with an alcoholic or not but I realize that the issues are still there. I've reached one milestone - I've learned to deal with my AH in a way that allows me to maintain my self-respect but that is not enough. I need to continue to learn to deal with myself in a way that allows me to maintain my self-respect.

More lessons to learn. Thanks for the insight.
Hugs - L