Quick question...needs answers

[jordan1980]

Hi all,
I was just wondering if anyone here knew the statistics on marriage survival after sobriety? Anyone here that went into a marriage with an active alcoholic that is now sober? And how many marriages survive the alcoholic getting sober? Cause right now I feel as if my Ah and I don't even know each other and we are not going to survive.


Thanks all
Erin

[best]

Don't know the numbers.
Just know that this will be year 30 for my marriage.
Separated for just over 2 years. Even filed for a divorce in that time.
Stopped the divorce before it became final and have gotten back together.

No matter what the numbers say or don't say... there is always hope.

[Evanna]

Hi Erin,
Not quite the same as your situation but similar result i suspect; both myself and my husband are in recovery having used together for many years. When we first came into recovery it did feel like we were strangers. I was very angry with him and he was very distant/shut off to me. Even though we had been very close in addiction we didnt have any kind of physical or emotional intimacy for some time after cleaning up. It seemed the minute we put down the drugs we didnt have a clue how to relate to each other.

Our paths in getting well took us to quite different places too. Different people, different interests, different beliefs. For me this was all pretty scary. For at least 18 months i believed that i was simply waiting until one or the other of us had the strength to exit the relationship. It is nearly 2 and half years now since we stopped using and it is much better. These days it feels as though our marriage is going from strength to strength. It is still a learning curve but i feel certain that we are getting there. I feel certain of my love for my husband now and usually secure in his love for me. We laugh together now which is the best thing.

It is a huge transition for the whole family when one person enters recovery and i know it is hard. My thoughts are with you.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

[Beautiful]

I went into a marriage with a man who was sober and then fell off the wagon when we got home from our honeymoon only he was a dry drunk. We are at the same point now as you are, and I'm not sure that our marriage will survive -- only that he has accepted that there needs to be help and that his only other option is divorce.

Stay strong -- and keep up the good work!

[Chuckles101301]

Hello!

I am a person who entered a marriage with an active A. We were married 3.5 years ago and have been together for 5.5 years. He has been sober for 6 months. At first when he got sober, I had absolutely no hope of our marriage making it....I mentioned divorce all the time and so did he. Up until 2 months ago we were considering legal separation. 2 months later we are very happy and both a lot healthier than a year ago. My sister even commented that we were a completely different couple than a year ago. Nice to hear because we were definitely crazy a year ago! I don't know what it took for both of us to make a change....we were sick of being sick I guess. I worked hard on my recovery and really changed a lot about who I was and I started to feel better about myself. I found things to do that I really enjoy, started working out regularly again, started developing a more meaningful relationship with God. My AH started to become a more faithful person as well, something that I had never seen in him. We liked the changes. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments, but I have found that diagreements/arguments are a lot shorter and less stressful. If I am angry, I simply state I am angry and this is why.....he doesn't say anything anymore about me not being able to be angry about what I am angry about. I stopped controlling most things. Like I said we still have issues, but now we are more able to deal with them in a healthy manner and we want it this way. I just find that it is a lot easier to make the changes now then when we have been married unhappily for 30 years, or when we get divorced. I believe that our separate recovery stories are the best gift we can give to each other. I want it for me, my kids and my marriage. What is a few weeks, months, or even years in the grand scheme of things and in the mean time you are working on yourself. After time, things seem to work themselves out when you have the goal of becoming the best person that you can be, when you stop focusing on another persons behavior. I just felt better about myself. I think it helped that we have both chosen to work programs. I think it helped that we were both ready for this change. I also think it helped that I started to feel proud of my AH for doing something that is very difficult...getting and staying sober....and I started showing that pride to him. I felt that he was willing to work so hard to save our marriage and our lives together....that led to a return of loving feelings that had been lost or buried for some time. It can happen and you can come out better for it. One of the gals in my al-anon group was in the same situation as me and she has been married for 40 years...I think that inspired me to work it out.

My AH was a terrible drunk...mean...hateful....violent....abusive...he drank every day...he drove drunk...he lost his job due to drinking...he lost friends due to drinking....he almost lost his family due to drinking.....I don't know where that person went, but he can stay there....

[jordan1980]

Thanks to all who replied,
Since I posted, I have got off my butt and went to an al-anon meeting. Only one and that was 3 days ago. Meet some really nice ladies there who inspired me to go to more meetings aswell as come back next tuesday. I am going to give my own recovery all I got, because I do love my husband. Up until a week ago I was reluctant to my own recovery, why do I need a recovery program...I am not an Alcoholic?? (that was what I thought) Now I still don't really know why I need to work a recovery program...but I am willing to go and learn. I guess I will find out along the way. I just figure If I made it throught all those years of dating, living then marrying an active alcoholic, I can make it through recovery. I will keep everyone posted on how al-anon goes for me.

[Chuckles101301]

Good for you Jordan. Definitely give al-anon a try....at least 6 weeks. Things become a lot more clear. Believe me, when I went for the first time I was angry that I was doing one more thing for my AH....I didn't need help...I didn't need to change....I was going for HIM...to get HIM sober....funny now. I found out that I really wasn't the person that I wanted to be and that I was this person before I met my AH and if I didn't do something to change that person, I would be lonely and miserable the rest of my life. I go to al-anon once a week and I read al-anon literature at home. I attend open meetings with my AH and we attend a ton of AA functions....we have a good time and I think that helps. If you look at the 12 steps, they can apply to every area of your life...I think it is a really good program for people who aren't A's or who don't have A's in their lives, as it is more about self-actualization and becomeing the best person you can be. Good luck and yes, keep us posted. I truly hope you and your AH can make it, it is wonderful on the other side.

[knottedup]

I married an active alcoholic who is now sober and would post my experiences but the are so similar to the others. It takes time--lots of it. Try to remember his life has changed drastically since sobering up and patience is the key. Communication needs to be open and honest--on both sides. Some days will be better than others. Be proud that you're making the effort--and that he is too.