Where's the connection?

[Veronica]

BACKGROUND - My AH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I did not know that he was an A when we got married, so you can imagine how tumultuous it's been. He's now been sober for almost 3 months. He's working his recovery and doing great.

PROBLEM - I feel completely disconnected from my AH. I was out of town for almost a week and when I got home on Monday night, he barely acted as though he was excited to see me. He showed up late to the airport and I felt I was more of a burden to be picked up than his wife coming home! (and this after he called me several times a day b/c he was thinking of me). His side? He had a bad bought of insomnia while I was gone and wasn't feeling well when he picked me up. Okay, fair enough. But, I still feel as though I'm an inconvenience to him - an obligation to be satisfied. We've had a really busy week and haven't spent any quality time alone (we had small group last night, but then he had work to do afterwards and I went to bed alone). I realize I am being selfish. I'm just so frustrated!

I'm excited that he is sober, but I feel more alone than ever. I know the answer is to work on me - got that down, but I am still sad that I don't get to be a part of his new world. He goes to meetings twice a week, calls people in AA all the time and spends the rest of the time working. He stays up at night to play a board game or two with me, but if feels like he is playing out of obligation & not because he wants to. I am just so sad that we don't have much quality time together...and even sadder that he doesn't seem to care. Tonight he's off with his buddies playing poker (no alcohol involved). He plays every week - it would have been nice if just tonight he would have wanted to stay home and spend time with me.

Thanks for letting me vent! If you have any advice, PLEASE pass it on!!

[Gabe]

Veronica,
The only advice I can give you is to tell him everything you just put in that post.
He needs to know that you don't feel like you matter in his life.
Sometimes that is hard to tell someone.
But sometimes, they need to hear it.
What he does from there is up to him.
But at least you will know that your feelings are out there for him to consider.
It sounds like you understand that there are other important things in his life.
You just want to feel like you are important too.
Nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Hugs,
Gabe

[Freewolfman]

From my own experience & my observations of others in AA , a person that`s 3 months sober has just made the barest beginnings of getting sober & changing their life . Things take time & [ time takes time ] . I`ve been sober 23 1/2 years & it`s common to feel like a fish out of water for the first couple of years atleast . That`s how I felt at first . Hang in there . IF....he sticks with it & starts to work the program [ The 12 Steps ] he`ll change & grow. I`m a firm believer that everyone needs to work the 12 steps thru atleast one time just like they are written , 1 - 12 [ that`s why they are numbered ] to achieve a spiritual awakening & stay sober . I support you in finding local Alanon meetings to support you in your recovery . You`ll get help & understanding there to help you change & grow. I grew up in an alcoholic home & have attended Adult Children of Alcoholic`s meetings for 8 years as well as Alanon for the past 18 years . With love ; Mark .

[jordan1980]

Veronica,
Everything that you just wrote is everything that I am feeling right now. My AH has been sober 18months now, working AA. Since day one I have felt lost and alone. My ah has no time for me or our children. Either working or meetings, or on the pphone with a fellow AAer. Just in the past couple of months my AH never seems happy, he is always crabby, complaing,ect...ect... I just keep telling my self that is going to get better. I know that the man i married(an active drinker,) is no longer the same person. We both have to work togther, grow together or we are going to grow apart. My ah is a new man trying every single day to get to know himself, so sometimes that leaves his family in the background. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I guess I haven't really given you any advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone here. I am going through the same thing.

Best wishes to you and yours.