My dad.

[Evanna]

I am really struggling with the relationship with my dad (actually he's my step-dad) right now.

I am feeling somewhat victim-ish and a martyr and it is entirely horrid. Three years ago my mum died and after her death my dad started to spend practically every day at our house. This put tremendous strain on my own family life, especially as my husband is a person who likes lots of space and i was coming off methadone/then in early recovery at the time. But i felt that sometimes one has to be responsible for struggling family members however you feel. In other words, even when i thought i was suffocating or my head was going to explode i thought it was a case of getting over myself. The situation was complicated by the fact that my dad could not read or write and my mum unbeknownst to any of us had fallen into a lot of debt. At the time of my mums death, their house was about to be repossessed. So not only did i look after my dad emotionally i also worked hard on sorting out all the mess left behind. This didnt just include contacting debtors and managing his finances it involved me using an inheritance i later got from my gran to pay off his mortgage.

Nine months ago my dad met a women and started dating. I was really pleased for him and relieved for me...finally i could get my life back. But as time has gone on i have felt more and more hurt + angry. To start with my dad stopped spending time with us and the bit that hurts is that he stopped spending time with my 12yr old son. Everytime my son wanted to spend time with his grandad he had to ask for it and much of the time my dad would say he had other plans. In the beginning i could understand this...doesnt matter that my dad is nearly 60 he was in a new relationship and we all know what that can be like. But as time has gone on the situation has not changed despite me trying to talk to my dad about it.

Three months ago my dad's new girlfriend moved in with him and it was really painful for me watching all my mum's stuff being cleared out of the family home and everything changing. But i could understand why they would want a fresh start so fair enough but what really hurt was that my dad also delivered everything that was mine and my son's previously in his house back to us. He even took my degree certificate and graduation photograph down and gave them back to me! Then he upset me further by taking my house key back that i have had for the last thirty years. I rarely used the key but it was like a symbol of security to me.

Then over Xmas my son asked my dad if he was still leaving his house to him an my dad told him that he was re-marrying soon and would be leaving it to his new wife. I am upset by this for two reasons; firstly, my dad has always told my son that the reason he bought the house was for his future so my son was really hurt, and secondly, when i gave my dad the money to pay off the mortgage i discussed it with my dad in terms as an investment in my boys future. We have no savings and i gave my dad every penny of the money i had. At the end of the day, my dad could live for another 30yrs+ yet so the issue of who he leaves his house to is unimportant. What is important is that in telling my son that he had changed his will to leave his house to someone he has only met 9mths ago gave my son the message that he is not valued anymore. My son was hurt by the revelation that everything was being left to my dad's new girlfriend and by proxy her grown up children with no provision for him. Why didnt my dad just say he wasnt planning to die yet or something similar!

My dad and his new girlfriend even acted all surprised that my son had asked such a question and implied that i had put him up to it. But i would never have encouraged my son to ask a question that might set him up for hurt.When my son was just 9yrs old my dad called around our house to show him that he had been to a solicitor and got a will drawn up leaving everything to him. So it is something he has always been told. I always told my dad that he shouldnt keep telling my son that everything was him espeically as there was a time when it looked like he was going to lose the house anyway.

It was my sons birthday two weeks ago and the latest in a line of upsets was that my dad didnt get in touch. I tried to remind him but couldnt get hold of him. I got a phone call this morning and it transpired my dad went on holiday to Australia without letting any of us know. I was upset that my dad forgot my sons birthday but could have lived with it, people forget things...it happens. But it transpired on the phone that my dad hadnt forgotten...he had simply taken off to Australia and thought he could deal with it when he got back. When i said that my son had been really hurt not to hear from him on his birthday he said, oh well i will give him some money! It would have only taken a phone call from Australia on my lads birthday to stop him being hurt but my dad thought it was ok just not to bother. I am wishing now that he had stayed in Australia.


I think a large part of the problem here is that i am just plain over-responsible. When my mum died i took on too much as i had high expectations of myself. I looked after my dad even though it nearly killed me at the time and now feel martyrish about being let down. Also i think i should have made some legal provision for making sure the large sum of money i gave my dad came back to my son at a later date. Instead of simply trusting that my dad would do the right thing. I have tried bringing it up with my dad that i have given him this large amount of money expecting that it would come back to my boy some day. He simply mumbles that he plans to start putting some money away for my boy sometime. It is obvious that wont happen. I try not to get uptight about the money thing and write it off as a gift to my dad but i am struggling with it. It annoys me that he is tripping off from the UK to Australia while we are completely skint. It annoys me knowing that if he gets knocked down by a bus tomorrow my son wouldnt be entitled to a penny. I dont think the money would have mattered if my dad hadnt seemingly dropped us in a big way anyway.

Thing is i have tried to discuss my feelings with my dad. Somehow though it always seems to come back on me. Him and his new girlfriend say stuff like i ought to be happy that he has found someone. This hurts even more because it is not the issue that he has found someone, i support this, it is that he seems to have dropped us. It hurts so fooking much. Everytime i come into contact with my dad recently i seem to end up feeling angry, hurt and tearful. To be honest i have got to a point where i could step out of the relationship entirely but we are a small family so i dont want my son to lose out on a relationship that is important to him. Yet at the same time i watch him close off a little to his grampy a little everytime grampy hurts him by plain thoughtlessness.

Sorry for the long woffly post i was needing to let this out. I can see written down that it looks like i am making a lot of fuss about nothing and maybe i am, i dont know anymore. Maybe writing it down will help me sort it out in my mind. I would really appreciate anyone elses thoughts on this, whatever they are.

Thank-you
Evanna.

[splendra]

((((Evanna)))))

I don't think you are making a big deal out of nothing! The only idea that comes to my mind is maybe you need to see a lawyer. I truely hope you can get it sorted out....

[Time2Surrender]

Evanna,you have a right to be upset.Sorry to hear about this.My mother went through the same thing with my Grandfather.At one time he even owned 6 gas stations.The step mother ended up with everything.

[Scorpio007]

Hi Evanna what you are feeling is valid, You have every right to feel the way you do. I would take (Splen) suggestion and get a lawyer. Maybe everyone in your family can have a meeting w/your dad letting him know how you all feel.
Watch the new girlfriend she may have some skeletons in her closet. I believe the house should stay in your family. I would definitely get a lawyer. I would also investigate the new girlfriend.

[Evanna]

Thank-you all for the validation. I was struggling with thinking that i must be a real petty, bad person to be feeling so upset and angry about all of this. I will take that much at least off of myself now. So thanks again.

Scorpio, everyone in my family amounts to my husband and myself, my 12yr old son, a grandmother with alchzeimers and my dad. So only 3 functioning adults including myself. I think this is a large part of why i have been so upset about my relationship with my dad breaking down. It has left me feeling somewhat all alone in the world. I have been projecting madly about who my son will have in his world when my husband and myself die. I have been thinking that he will truly be all alone. Of course, that is nonsense...how can i know what the future brings....my boy could be married with 6 kids by time i die. I know it is all craziness in my mind but this is all the stuff that has been floating around my brain since this has been happening with my dad. Somehow the whole thing has touched in some fundamental way on my grief for my mother too. I could howl with grief about my mother right now.

I know this is all a bit OTT and out of my control. What i do have control over is making sure i take steps to look after myself so i can be around for my son as long as possible. Staying clean from drugs and nicotine free being primary here.

[dave]

Please go and get a lawyer.The gorlfriend seems like a gold digger.That was your inher,that you give your dad.Time for the idoit to get a wake up call.I hope i was,nt to forward...good luck.

[Evanna]

No Dave, you werent too forward. Thanks for the response. I appreciate it.