Resentment Growing- Even though he's doing what I told him to

[Eeyore49]

Hi Everyone!

I recently forced a separation with my soberA because of his treatment of the children. This has been extremely difficult because I am so ill. I have survived, somehow each day. Sometimes taking it just an hour at a time. Three young children are a lot to handle with a fever of 102, pain, etc....

I was hoping he'd use this time to work harder on his program. Well, to be honest he is. He is going to more meetings. Claims he's getting a sponsor (finally after 6 years clean). And attended his first counceling session Wed. So what is it with me??? He is playing golf tomorrow while I'll struggle to get through the day. Not fair, never has been. Reminds me of his using days. When all he did was play and all I did was work. Since I've been sick, that had to change. He has built up such resentment though over having to be responsible. Imagine such a thing!! An A having to be partly responsible for his kids! So he started taking it out on the kids more and more. So to protect them, I send him away for awhile until he gets help. So, it's up to me once again to do all the work, now while sick even.

Ok, I'm just ranting. He is trying harder. He is not here because I insisted. I wanted him to get help first. Now I have to live with it and hope I live through it. My drs keeps saying I've got to stop forcing my body to do so much while I'm so sick. What's a person to do though??? I guess just trust that my HP has a plan to see me through! Thanks for listening!

Take care,
Beth

[Sunnie37]

Hi Beth and boy do I relate to your post.

And this is what I have come to the conclusion of. I am STILL trying to control everything. I can't stand not being in control of all outcomes. So what I had to do was take care of myself. Work my own program, get counseling if I needed to, and not worry about what HE was or wasn't doing. Either accept him for who and what he is and what he is capable of, which is not a whole lot and my expectations does not make it any easier. Let him do what he has to do for his recovery. I know it's hard when you have all the responsibility of everything, I can so relate, but there's nothing you can do about what he does. Find a way to eleviate the load and LISTEN to what the doctor tells you. I ran myself right into the ground. and it turned into pneumonia. Trust is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. Trusting that I am going to be taken care of. Work on your relationship with your HP give it to him. He can handle it, we sure as heck can't.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Eeyore49]

Hi Sunnie,
Thanks for your reply. You are so right. It is about control. I have to let it go.

As far as....Find a way to eleviate the load and LISTEN to what the doctor tells you. I ran myself right into the ground. and it turned into pneumonia. There just isn't any way to eleviate the load any. I have begged for help to no avail. Even the sitters I PAY for help totally disrespect me and don't show up when they are scheduled. I have been through countless sitters in the past year. I have learned to let go what can. However I have to take care of the kids. It has to be done! I have ran myself down to and end up in the hospital sometimes because of it. I rest when I can, but do what I have to.

I do need to trust my HP more. I wish I were better at it lately. I just have so much trouble accepting that this is all for a reason. I feel so trapped and uncared for!!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and write to me!
Take care,
Beth

[Evanna]

Hey Beth,
Much identification here too. That control thing gets me everytime.

I have high expectations of myself and expect the same high standards from others. I get real annoyed when other people dont keep to what i see as their responsibilities. It feels to me that everytime someone else fails to meet their responsibilities (as designated by me) then i am left having to take up the slack. Often i think that my anger is really not so much about other people as about the overwhelming responsibility and guilt i feel about absolutely everything. I get real martyr-ish about it sometimes too.

When i was only 3mths clean, my partner went into residential treatment and left me to deal with a new born baby. I ordered him to go (even arranged it for him) as i didnt want him putting my recovery in jeopardy. Yet at the same time i was furious. I was in the real world dealing with a baby and he was poncing about dealing with feelings! I grew to see him as unbelievably weak and lost all respect for him. It took a long time for me to come round to realising that my anger was more about me than him. I was struggling, scared and lonely. I was overwhelmed with being a parent and life in general. Mostly i was angry because i felt that i didnt have any choices. I couldnt just walk out on my life. As a mother i felt that i didnt even have the luxury of killing myself!

I slip into the whole anger and control thing real easily still. Like you i struggle with faith. What does help me though is bringing it back to me. Constantly i have to ask myself what is really going on for me and why i am so angry.

When i really examine it much of my trapped feelings actually come down to choice. Of course i can walk away from parenting but i choose not too. Recognising this as a choice i make helps me feel a little better about me. I also have to constantly check myself for over-responsibility. I am forever realising i have taken on things that arent truly my responsibility. I have to take time out to do things for me. Small things like soaking in the bath with a book or watching a movie in bed help me feel like i am taking care of myself; that i am worth taking care of.

For me, these recurring emotional themes are pointing very clearly to me having some serious self-work to do. I feel that i am finally recognising a pattern that has been there all my life and about to embark on a journey. If i have trust, it is that tiny baby steps along this path will result in my emotional growth. The person i need to start caring for me is me.

[Eeyore49]

Thanks for your insight Evanna. I'm glad you are taking care of you!