Struggling parent

[Giff]

edited due to feeling uncomfortable.

[Roxann]

Giff,
It's okay to not want to be a parent sometimes. I have a very active 3.5 year old, and a very moody 6.5 year old. I have been a die hard pillhead for the last 3 years and one of the reasons that I started taking more pills than prescribed is because with the euphoria came the "ability to parent". If I weren't high, I had to fake it. I hated myself for it. I wouldn't even play or feed them. I was the "lump" sitting in a chair telling them to get it, or do it themselves. I am only just learning how to enjoy them. It's rough. Today was hard, but I keep on keeping on. We made Valentines day crafts tonight, and I really didn't want to at first. But I did it. And we all really got into it.

I wish I could tell you a magic "cure", but I can't. All I can do is offer you a and say a prayer for you and yours.

Keep talking. Maybe getting it all out will help you begin to heal these feelings. ((HUGS))

[Giff]

Originally Posted by PASteelerfan

Giff,
It's okay to not want to be a parent sometimes.

I choked up all over again reading that. It was exactly what i needed to hear.

Liked what you said about 'learning to enjoy' your kids too. I found some hope in that.

Thank-you so much Roxann
Giff.

[bobbielee]

Terrible person? You are being open, honest, truthful, and saying what is in your heart. You are not covering up your feelings, it takes guts to speak about feeling this way. Reading this post spoke volumes for me, and I am proud of anyone that can be this honest....

bobbie

[Giff]

edit

[Paulie]

Just like with using, admiting our feelings and emotions is what we have to do to start the work we need to do to change them.

I commend you for your recovery time that is awesome. I would suggest that you do the steps around this issue that you have. Talk to your sponsor,that is what she is there for. You dont' have to discuss this at meeting level, although if you did I am sure you would find that you are not alone at all. I am sure you would find other women in the rooms that have these same feelings.

Working the steps helps us with so much more than not using, I am sure you know that. Talk with your sponsor and work the steps focusing on this issue.

I have a friend who has twin 13 yr old boys, she never wanted to be a mom either, quit when she was pregnant like you then started again, she has almost 9 years now I think. She has used the steps to work around these parenting issues.

I truly don't believe it is not because you don't love your son, it is just addict self centered thinking that is blocking your from showing it.

You can do this, but you have to work at it. Ask your HP to help too.

I don't think your son or parenting is the real issue here. I think it's the guilt. Every time you look at your son you are faced with the guilt and the feelings of shame. There are a lot of us here who feel that way. Talking about it is very important.

I think we hold onto guilt sometimes because we can't fix our past. Guilt is the only thing that helps us make sense of it. If you didn't love your son you wouldn't be worried about any of this.

Our past is in cement. We can't change it. Guilt and shame can't change it. With that knowledge we can work at letting go of those two emotions. When you learn to love and forgive yourself you'll be able to look at your son again and still be able to love yourself. Then you will be able to love him.

Hugs,
MG

[Giff]

This post was eating away at me. I dont regret making it because i have had some real useful responses. It is simply removed as i cant bear to leave it there. Thank-you to everyone for your kindness.

Morning Glory, what you had to say has helped me enormously. Made a lot of sense to me. Put in terms of guilt it will be much easier to talk about in future too. Thank-you.

[Roxann]

I just wanted to give you a Giff. I understand completely.

[Giff]

Thank-you Roxann. Really appreciate the hug and understanding.