bottled up anger from the past

[ButterflyChaser]

Someone please help me w/any advice or what your thoughts are on this............................when someone has alot of anger from there past relationships & takes it out on the one they are with now, & I'm no where anywhere like his past women, it's not fair to me & our relationship, he doesn't/won't open up to me! any advice here?? :tongue2: thanx

[Peter]

Hey BC I wont give any advice but I will share my thoughts.

If he will not open up to you but is allowing his unresolved anger to affect you then it all boils down to how much you are willing to put up with.

The same lack of communication in your relationship now was probably evident in his last relationship which is probably what led to the anger issues in the first place.

If you care enough about this person to want to try and help him then you can make the obvious suggestions that he talk to a counsellor.

You can support him by letting him knw you are willing to talk when he is ready but then you will have to be super vigilant because he may be trying to reach out to you but you are not aware of it.

My own anger issues in relationships stemmed from fear......fear of rejection and trusting, fear of getting hurt.....which led to controlling behaviour.....which caused friction and anger..... rarely can we overcome such issues without help from professionals or feedback from others who have found ways of dealing with the problem.......

[Paulie]

(((BC)))

Peter is a wise man sharing his thoughts and experience.

The only thing I will add is nothing changes if the person does not admit/be aware of what is going on. Both people involved in the relationship have to be willing to work on the communication.

I didnt' trust my H for a long time after we got together sober, and it was from my past experiences...the more work I did on me I came to understand it had nothing to do with him, it was as Peter said, my own fear and insecurity and no matter what my H did he could not change that. I had to work on it and change it myself. You cant' do anything to change him, he has to do that.

[ButterflyChaser]

thanks ya'll.....it hurts, cuz if I try to talk to him about anything, he NEVER wants to talk, starts putting me down, being cold, ya know? He trys to turn everything around it then it ends up just crazy. I feel like what he says to me when he's mad, he should be saying it to someone else who deserves it, NOT ME!
He did admit something last night though...he said, he was sorry for not being so understanding about my feelings & that he'll work on that. Then he says.."Gosh, why is that so hard for me to say?" He's not emotional, ya know?

Paulie, I know what ya mean about not trusting your H at 1st cuz of your pat, I'm in the same boat. When he tells me something where he is or whatever, I 1st 2nd guess it, (to myself in my mind) wondering if it's a lie or not, cuz of the past hurts.........you know.

Thanks Peter, youhelped me see (in a sense) a mans point of view

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by ButterflyChaser

When he tells me something where he is or whatever, I 1st 2nd guess it, (to myself in my mind) wondering if it's a lie or not, cuz of the past hurts.........you know.

But what I learned is my second quessing wasn't even about him it was about me. Just like you bf taking the past out on you, it isn;'t about you or even about his ex it is about him.

It always starts with us LOL, I used to think that was a bad thing, but now I understand that it is good cause I can learn from it.

I am proud of you for understanding and admitting that you don't deserve to be disrespected.

[JT]

He did admit something last night though...he said, he was sorry for not being so understanding about my feelings & that he'll work on that. Then he says.."Gosh, why is that so hard for me to say?"

What a nice thing to say.

Ward is not very emotional either and when he says something like the above I try to isolate it and appreciate it while all the while trying to not hold him to it. Changing is hard and it comes and goes. He also has to be able to trust me not to use it as a weapon.