fear in relationships

[journeygal]

This thread could potentially open a whole can of worms, which is my intent.

There have been many different threads all over this site pertaining to the fear of 13th stepping - AA or NA recoverees who end up in new relationships with a member of the opposite sex who's also in AA or NA.

It happens. People share intimate parts of themselves with others who understand and some people use that perceived intimacy to start a new relationship. This often leaves the spouse or significant other feeling betrayed, used, abandoned, etc.

But this doesn't just happen in 12 step programs. People have affairs with co-workers - someone they spend 8 hours a day with and have bonded with over their jobs. People have affairs with church members after forming a religious bond. People begin relationships with their personal trainers after bonding over the weight machines or aerobics class.

Get my drift? It can happen anywhere. But is the answer to have single sex AA/NA meetings, single sex places of employment, single sex churches, single sex gyms? I don't think so. If a person is going to cheat, they will cheat, period.

But that's not really the point of this thread.

The point is to discuss the fear and insecurity behind all of this. Is this fear a legitimate concern? Maybe. But when we spend hours and days worrying and obsessing over whether or not our SO is going to cheat, it's a huge problem for us. Obsessing over this is no different from an alcoholic obsessing over his next drink. We are just as powerless over a person's infidelity as we are over their addiction.

I am powerless over whether or not my husband decides to use again. I am powerless over whether or not my husband decides to cheat again. The same behaviors I engaged in when trying to figure out if Jack was using or not are the same behaviors I engaged in trying to figure out if he was cheating or not. It's all nuts and I need to let go of it.

It all boils down to our fear of the unknown, those what-ifs. What if he drinks or uses again? What if he cheats? OMG, my life will be over!!! Well, no, it won't. If we continue taking care of ourselves in all instances, we will be fine, regardless of what the other person does. It's up to us to decide what we're willing to live with, not obsess over what the other person may or may not do in a given situation.

[journeygal]

The following excerpt was taken from the joy2meU website.

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Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I would focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I would obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.

The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy and whole - that would fix me.

All codependents have some obsessive tendencies. Some of the flavors of obsessive thinking are: the alcoholic who starts thinking about where he/she is going for a drink after work, while eating breakfast; the drug addict who starts feeling some panic when the prescription bottle or the baggy is almost empty and starts urgently focusing on replenishing the supply; the person whose relationship has ended who focuses on the good times and ignores the bad, or who focuses on what an awful villain the other person is - and keeps trying to find allies to support that view by telling horror stories to friends (who will then be baffled and confused when the person jumps at the chance to go back into the relationship); the person who is always focused on eating, or dieting; the person who is constantly thinking about money, or the lack of it, and projecting fantasies of grandiose jackpots or homeless ruination; the person who obsessively cleans house because their fear of the unknown drives them to focus on that which they can control; etc., etc.

Someone told me as some point in my recovery, that what I focused my mind on was what I was worshiping. I didn't want to hear that, but I came to see that there was Truth in it.

Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear and shame we feel at the core of our being. When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that is going to get us to "happily ever after," we are making that external source our higher power, our god. The opposite extreme is, of course, when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives.

To paraphrase something I said in my March article here - Letting Go of Unavailable People - what is so important, is to stop focusing on an external source as the cause of, or solution to, our problems. It is vital to start focusing on what we do have some control over instead of things which we cannot control.

One of the most powerful tools in my recovery from the beginning has been The Serenity Prayer. The Serenity Prayer is a very simple formula, a template, for how to live life in a way that works. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can.

Focusing my time and energy on trying to change another person, or on controlling the outcome of a situation is a dysfunctional way to live life because it is not really living. Living happens in the moment - not in the future or the past.

One of the most important things I learned to do to counteract obsessive thinking was to pull myself back into the moment. Take some deep breaths and get into my body in the moment. Look around me and see where I am and what is happening now. And then take some action.

I cannot force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession.

It was very valuable for me in recovery to realize that I cannot force myself out of an emotional place - I can't force my process. I learned that I needed to accept where ever I was emotionally - no matter how uncomfortable. Once I accept where I am at, then I can take some action that will be helpful in moving me to a different emotional place.

One of the things I have control over, that I have the power to change, is what I am doing in the moment. I have the power to force myself to take an action. Not because I "should" - because it is the kind thing to do for me.

Allowing myself to be in my head wallowing in the agony of the trauma drama that is obsession is not a kind thing to do for myself. Getting up and getting in motion is a good thing.

I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around and see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I am drying my hands I look around and notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out and take a walk.

It was vital for me to learn to take action in alignment with my recovery. Working the third step in the twelve step program - "Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care" of a Higher Power as I understand him/her/it - is a step of action. It is not enough to have faith - we need to take action based upon that belief.

Love, like faith, is not just a theoretical concept. Love requires action. Loving ourselves means taking actions that are good for us, that are kind and Loving.
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[Ann]

Very powerful post, JG.

I'll be reading this several times today, because something, I'm not sure just what, is jolting me as I read it. I'll be back later.

Hugs
Ann

[A Screw Loose]

I have known since I started this program that just about all addicts have obsessive tendencies, I am not excluded. I have spent the last 21 1/2 months working on my co-dependency also. I tend to slid into wanting to know what he is up to, if he is or has used, where he goes, who he's with (male or female), that I loose sight of myself and my work on my steps seems to slip. Thank you for putting more light on it. Whatever happens happens, it is out of my control, because if I ever had any control I wouldn't have been where I was or where I'm at now.

Thanks again.
A Screw Loose

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by journeygal

If we continue taking care of ourselves in all instances, we will be fine, regardless of what the other person does.

Good point JG, this is a very interesting thread.
Fear and relationships.
Relationships involve risk.
Risk involves being vulnerable.
When you open your heart to someone, there is always the chance that your heart could get hurt.
That's the way it goes when we emotionally invest in someone.
It's a chance we take, and a hope that our faith will outshine the fear.
There are no guarantees in life and there are no guarantees in love.
The fact that we continue to take the chance, is a tribute to our belief in love.
As in all situations, it is our choice whether to live in faith, or to live in fear.
I'm always better off on the faith side of the fence.

[Magichappens]

Great post, JG. One day at a time, may the obsession be removed from us all. In it's place, serenity and wholeness. Hugs, Magic

[DesertEyes]

My sponsor taught me that emotions flow downward. Whatever thoughts and feelings I have in my head will flow downard and fill my soul. If I fill my head with thoughts of other's shortcomings, as I do when I obsess, those shortcomings will flow downward and fill my soul.

A soul filled with shortcomings is a very painful place to be.

If I fill my head with positive thoughts and actions, from whatever program or religion I choose to follow, then my soul will be filled with that positive energy, and there will be no room for fear, insecurity, or low self-esteem.

My obsessions are the result of my head trying to fill my soul with the easier, softer thoughts of other's shortcomings. Taking positive actions and thinking positive thoughts takes a lot more effort. The result, like excercise, is worth the effort.

Mike :-)

That's great Mike.

It is like excercise. That makes is so much clearer for me.

I think I'll try it.

Hugs

[Tiro]

"We are just as powerless over a person's infidelity as we are over their addiction."

So true.

[stilltrying]

Wow...I'm sure that my higher power lead me to this sight today. Just a few weeks ago I found out that my husband, who has been in recovery for two years, was having an affair with a woman who he attends AA meetings with. I just don't even know how I feel at this point. I can feel myself losing track of my own emotions and feeling and putting way too much control over who I am into him and what happened. I really need to ES&H to get through this. I am REALLY OBSESSING! I don't think that our marriage is a healthy one...but I'm afraid to let go.

[journeygal]

Hi Stilltrying and welcome,

Your husband's affair was not about you. He made the choice to have a relationship with someone else. This is not a reflection on you. There is nothing wrong with you. No matter what problems you may have in your marriage, they did not cause him to cheat.

Do you attend al-anon meetings or counseling? You need to keep the focus on yourself and work your own recovery program. Your self-worth is not tied to him and his choices. I have been in al-anon for 2 1/2 years and the 12-steps have helped me let go of my husband's addiction and are helping me deal with his infidelity. Is my marriage a healthy one? Well, it's better than it used to be b/c I'm healthier than I used to be. Focus on working on and taking care of yourself. I know it hurts but you will get through it and eventually you will be able to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. Whatever you choose, you will be ok.

Take care,
JG

[stilltrying]

Thanks, JC. I am attending both al-anon and am in counceling. I have been in al-anon on and off since 05/00. The problem is that when things seem to be getting better I quit going to meetings and then I end up right back where I was. My self-esteem has really suffered over this one. He does not want an intimate relationship with me, however, says that he still loves me and wants our marraige to work. It's so hard for me to accept know that he had a physical relationship with someone that he barely knew and he has not interest in that for me. You mentioned that you had experienced infidelities from your spouse. How did you move past the insecurities???

[Pony]

Great post JG. I have read it a couple of times already. I just had to tell you.... Superb!

It's got me thinking and I may be back later after thinking on it awhile.

[utopia]

single sex groups? both them and mixed should be available, we all have specific needs? but sometimes personal progress depends on unity of a group. look at the traditions

mixed groups for me, helped me to open my heart in front of the gender i feared and hated, mixed groups allowed me the comfort of females that i didnt fear and to trust men again , i could never have grown out of my past fears of males if females werent in the room to balance things out. both should be available.

i think alanoners, myself anyway arent very aware at first, as i grew i made people aware that the issues of gender in meetings were never put into the context of sexuality. i couldnt have a female sponsor cos i was male, yet as a a gay male i didnt want a male sponsor and i also had been raped by my father, so i felt even more uncomfortable. all i ask is that people be aware of all people in recovery. as for my sponsor, god is answering my prayers with a gay woman so theres no chance of intimacy or imaginary rape fears emerging and i can start on a foundation of comfort and calm b4 i grow in trust and grace, amen

[Gooch]

what I focused my mind on was what I was worshiping.

Thanks JG

wow ...

exact nature stuff ... the temporary reliefs that never fill the void.

How hard it is for this addict to keep his focus on the one thing that never fails me.

[osier59]

Great Post JG. As we approach Valentines Day, all the magazines seem to be having articles about LOVE - finding it, keeping it, wanting it or not wanting it. The common theme seems to be that you have to love yourself first, find yourself WORTHY and then love will happen. I think in a relationship where one or both has addictive tendencies (the A with the alcohol or drugs, and the codie with the A) there is definitely a lack of self love and self worth on one or both parts. If that's the case, then the person lacking in self love will go wherever is necessary to fill the void and ease the pain, be it to a bottle, a pill or another person.

Thanks for the post. I'll have to print it out, read it over and over and ponder it for awhile.

Hugs and love
Barb

[Dunitall]

JG

This is a great thread, with loads of good stuff already.

As a recovering alcoholic and codependent I'm gonna have to read it over again before chipping in properly.

I'll be back.

Rich

[tasmin]

focusing my time and enegry on trying to change another person, or controling the outcome of a situation is a dysfuntional way to live life, because its not really living. living happends in the moment - not in the future or the past

these words have hit me like a slap in the head.....think i'll write that out and put it on my fridge in very large letters as a reminder.

i'm so glad i came into this forum, cause this is one of the biggest problems in my life...

all the best,
tasmin